FWB is not very good at keeping things casual...

[snowboy91]

So after my breakup I detailed in another thread, I ended up hooking up with a friend who had been through a similarly rough breakup under similar circumstances (ie. drifted apart gradually). At the time I think we were as shocked as each other that things progressed in this way, but we were having a lot of fun and agreed to make this a bit of fun between friends, since both our breakups were fairly fresh and neither of us want to get into anything serious anytime soon.

 

However, she is messaging me every day even though we see each other every day (we are both postgraduate students in the same department). We went out for dinner on Saturday night, go on walks during breaks and she even invited me to meet some family members next weekend as well as go on a day trip. When we talk to each other directly about this, she is adamant that this is casual and she even still refers to herself as "single" in conversation. But from an outside perspective, this feels a lot like a more serious relationship since we go out together (they really feel like "dates"), message all the time and I stay at her place about 2 times a week.

 

What I'm really wondering is whether she is expecting more from this arrangement (or "relationship") and not telling me explicitly, or if I'm just the one overthinking things and reading into her actions a bit too much. Which I've already tended to do a lot so far (I already get nervous about saying no to coffee/walks when I'm busy, but I can manage that).

 

Any advice?

[WhatYouWantToHear]

Any advice?

 

Quit leading her on...Or quit lying to yourself.

 

this feels a lot like a more serious relationship since we go out together

 

It takes two to tango. You are contributing to this relationship seeming like a serious relationship. If you don't want that, then stop doing things that make it seem like it is a serious relationship.

 

However, if you enjoy all the things that make it seem like serious relationship, then stop lying to yourself and get in a serious relationship with her. This is 100% on you. You need to decide what type of relationship this is going to be and then act accordingly.

[central]

Just talk to her and ask if she is thinking there is more to this than FWB. Clarify what you expect and want - and if you are okay with more, tell her that. If not, be clear on your limits. Don't play games!

[anika99]

I see your dilemma. Sounds like you have already had talks with her about this where she assures you that she is not romantically attached to you and she is fine with a FWB arrangement. However based on her actions you get the feeling that she is not being honest.

 

In this case I would say the best thing to do dial back on the amount of time you spend with her and cut out the sex entirely. Tell her that you value your friendship with her and you don't want the sex to threaten it. Only tell her that if you truly do value her friendship and wish to keep her as a friend. If she was just a casual friend and you don't much care about her then you should end everything. In the future don't have sex with your true friends, it cheapens the friendship.

[Versacehottie]

Quit leading her on...Or quit lying to yourself.

 

 

 

It takes two to tango. You are contributing to this relationship seeming like a serious relationship. If you don't want that, then stop doing things that make it seem like it is a serious relationship.

 

However, if you enjoy all the things that make it seem like serious relationship, then stop lying to yourself and get in a serious relationship with her. This is 100% on you. You need to decide what type of relationship this is going to be and then act accordingly.

 

This^^^^ 100%. What you are doing is like a de-facto relationship. So no matter what you call it or don't call it, it is for amount of time you spend together and what you each expect of each other in terms of seeing each other, staying in contact and spending time together IS like a relationship. Maybe you just aren't letting your feelings into it. Have a feeling this will get messy & you will lose a friendship with her because yes her actions don't line up with her words--but neither do yours.

 

Since you are the one who doesn't want a relationship, you need to take charge and do what is necessary to make sure you are not in one, not act like you have no free will (or personal responsibility). Sure it's not too much of a time drain for you but there's more at stake than just that. I think you are at the point where if you feel that there is more there and you want that, it's time to ante up & decide that & move forward. Do you think you might want more? I can't see why someone who is emotionally raw from your breakup truly would be ok with being in this position with her. I would think it would make you uncomfortable if she wants something you don't want to give. Ego boost, companionship and spending time together are all good but you are at the tipping point. So maybe you actually like her and are open but just a little gun-shy?

[stillafool]

So after my breakup I detailed in another thread, I ended up hooking up with a friend who had been through a similarly rough breakup under similar circumstances (ie. drifted apart gradually). At the time I think we were as shocked as each other that things progressed in this way, but we were having a lot of fun and agreed to make this a bit of fun between friends, since both our breakups were fairly fresh and neither of us want to get into anything serious anytime soon.

 

However, she is messaging me every day even though we see each other every day (we are both postgraduate students in the same department). We went out for dinner on Saturday night, go on walks during breaks and she even invited me to meet some family members next weekend as well as go on a day trip. When we talk to each other directly about this, she is adamant that this is casual and she even still refers to herself as "single" in conversation. But from an outside perspective, this feels a lot like a more serious relationship since we go out together (they really feel like "dates"), message all the time and I stay at her place about 2 times a week.

 

What I'm really wondering is whether she is expecting more from this arrangement (or "relationship") and not telling me explicitly, or if I'm just the one overthinking things and reading into her actions a bit too much. Which I've already tended to do a lot so far (I already get nervous about saying no to coffee/walks when I'm busy, but I can manage that).

 

Any advice?

 

No, she is trying to put you in place for a relationship. I notice a lot of young women claim to want a FWB but expect the guy to text them every day, not see others, monitor his SM, get anxious if they don't hear from him; etc. So if I were you I would make it clear to her that you will date others and dial back on going places with her. If you want to be a FWB then act like one.

[preraph]

She's BS'ing you. Don't go meet her parents. That's not casual. She basically is now saying what you want to hear but doing the opposite. You need to keep boundaries. Tell her, "Meet your parents? Nah, I don't think your parents want to meet the guy who's just having casual sex with their daughter." I've seen very few women in FWB relationships on this forum who were actually not wanting more. There are a few, but mostly it's women just going for that arrangement rather than nothing at all and then trying to turn it into something more. It's probably time to bail before she gets pregnant. You be sure to do your own birth control if you keep it going.

[basil67]

I see your dilemma. Sounds like you have already had talks with her about this where she assures you that she is not romantically attached to you and she is fine with a FWB arrangement. However based on her actions you get the feeling that she is not being honest.

 

In this case I would say the best thing to do dial back on the amount of time you spend with her and cut out the sex entirely. Tell her that you value your friendship with her and you don't want the sex to threaten it. Only tell her that if you truly do value her friendship and wish to keep her as a friend. If she was just a casual friend and you don't much care about her then you should end everything. In the future don't have sex with your true friends, it cheapens the friendship.

 

Snowboy, I see where Anika's going with this and yes, you need to dial back the amount of time with her if you're to keep it how you want it.

 

But let's not pretend that a friendship is possible after you pull back - that horse has well and truly bolted. When you dial it back and she gets the message, she's going to feel stupid, disappointed and used and need to move on with you out of her life. If you're lucky, she won't hate you.

 

Yes, I know you've both been talking the talk but she's got feels for you which she hasn't been able to rationalise away. When the truth hits her, those feels are going to come out like Vesuvius.

 

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

[snowboy91]

No, she is trying to put you in place for a relationship. I notice a lot of young women claim to want a FWB but expect the guy to text them every day, not see others, monitor his SM, get anxious if they don't hear from him; etc. So if I were you I would make it clear to her that you will date others and dial back on going places with her. If you want to be a FWB then act like one.

 

To clarify on this front: I've set my boundaries for this arrangement very clearly - that I may end up hooking up with others and she is free to do so. I've had no indication that she wants these boundaries changed, even when I ask her about it. And she initates most of the messaging and doesn't get worked up if I don't respond immediately.

 

 

Snowboy, I see where Anika's going with this and yes, you need to dial back the amount of time with her if you're to keep it how you want it.

 

But let's not pretend that a friendship is possible after you pull back - that horse has well and truly bolted. When you dial it back and she gets the message, she's going to feel stupid, disappointed and used and need to move on with you out of her life. If you're lucky, she won't hate you.

 

Yes, I know you've both been talking the talk but she's got feels for you which she hasn't been able to rationalise away. When the truth hits her, those feels are going to come out like Vesuvius.

 

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

 

I'm certainly becoming aware that I am going to have to dial things back a bit. In this group there have been a lot of brief relationships/FWBs that didn't last, and friendships have remained, albeit with a little tension at times. I see your point but I suppose with lack of experience it's hard to work out how something lasting about a month could blow up worse than ending a 6 year relationship, especially given I've been open with my intentions since day one. I guess I'll find out sooner or later.

 

I had a chat to her last night about this, and she was aware that the invite to see her family (an aunt, not her parents) was a bit too soon, but her aunt is the sort of person who wants to get to know everyone, so all her friends have met her at least once. We checked again to make sure we were on the same page, and from her words it seems like we are, but from what everyone is saying here I'm getting the feeling she's not saying how she really feels for fear of pushing me away. I feel like I've really put her in an awkward position because I (we?) jumped into this too quickly.

[preraph]

A lot of women never give up hoping and believing that love will change your mind. It's hard for women to conceive that a man is truly only looking for sex and that he won't catch the love bug and morph into their prince. A lot of women just don't understand that love isn't the same priority with some men as it is with them. They just think you'll change your mind after they soften you up. And if you don't, some of them will trap you with getting pregnant, whether intentional or not, so once you know someone isn't being straight with you, you better cut it off or be super careful.

[40somethingGuy]

So after my breakup I detailed in another thread, I ended up hooking up with a friend who had been through a similarly rough breakup under similar circumstances (ie. drifted apart gradually). At the time I think we were as shocked as each other that things progressed in this way, but we were having a lot of fun and agreed to make this a bit of fun between friends, since both our breakups were fairly fresh and neither of us want to get into anything serious anytime soon.

 

However, she is messaging me every day even though we see each other every day (we are both postgraduate students in the same department). We went out for dinner on Saturday night, go on walks during breaks and she even invited me to meet some family members next weekend as well as go on a day trip. When we talk to each other directly about this, she is adamant that this is casual and she even still refers to herself as "single" in conversation. But from an outside perspective, this feels a lot like a more serious relationship since we go out together (they really feel like "dates"), message all the time and I stay at her place about 2 times a week.

 

What I'm really wondering is whether she is expecting more from this arrangement (or "relationship") and not telling me explicitly, or if I'm just the one overthinking things and reading into her actions a bit too much. Which I've already tended to do a lot so far (I already get nervous about saying no to coffee/walks when I'm busy, but I can manage that).

 

Any advice?

 

Do you find her attractive? Do you enjoy the sex? Do you get her off as well? Do you enjoy the non-sexual part of hanging out with her? She may have an emotional connection to you but she sounds like she could be a cool gal. You obviously make time with her so maybe keep an open mind to see what happens. I'm not saying go exclusive at this point but see what happens. I think its great you have someone to hang out with while enjoying the benefits.

[snowboy91]

Slow with the update... anyway I'm finally feeling a little more settled emotionally on the breakup front, and I'm a little more ready to consider casual dates at the moment. Which is exactly what this seems to be. Neither of us seem to want the restriction of a serious relationship or exclusivity at the moment, but we have a lot of similar interests, always thinking of things to do together which definitely interest us both, and our personalities match incredibly well. We're still at the point of seeing where this is headed, and I think we've settled into a rhythm that works for us at the moment.

 

The best part is that we've been very open on what we're expecting and how we're feeling about it. I wasn't good at that in my last relationship, so it's quite scary but at the same time really fulfilling.

[Imajerk17]

Lots of long good posts here. There is just no way you can spend that much time and energy together (or communicating w each other) and have it just be 'casual'. Whatever either or both of you are saying notwithstanding. The oxytocin is being released and is doing its work whether either of you is conscious of it or not.

 

I'd pull the breaks on this fast lest things will get really confusing really soon.

[LilySun]

Never had FWB that wanted me to meet his parents... Ever. A thing has to be pretty serious for most people to even think about that... Her words and actions aren't matching up. I say just ask or tell her your bit confused and see what the answers are.