Platonic Friendship or Actually FWB?

[hotpotato]

Not me, never. I can do it, but it's been the guys who become unsatisfied.

 

My rule for guy friends is gay or far away only.

[hotpotato]

I don't get this. If everything is above board, why would anyone feel uncertain?

 

The only people I know who can't handle a friendship with the opposite (hetetosexual) sex either think they are that irresistible that everyone is bound to fall for them (so a bit delusional) or have boundaries issues.

 

If I can manage a friendship with a woman, I can manage a friendship with a man too.

 

Not necessarily that, theres this thing called projection. Sometimes people see what they want to see. One guy friend thought I was wearing athletic shorts in 90° weather while exercising to sexually entice him. Ice had male acquaintances ignore 40, 50 year age gaps and develop fantasies that I wanted them.

 

I guess men and women can be friends, but it take special circumstances, maybe if the guy is 20 and the woman is 60, but I've never known a male to spend a lot of time with mature female friends.

[guest569]

I can usually tell if it's a genuine friendship or if he wants more. If he wants more then I don't bother with friendship and they don't take no for an answer.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Only with gay men.

 

 

I do have few platonic male acquaintances at work..

[littleblackheart]

Not necessarily that, theres this thing called projection. Sometimes people see what they want to see. One guy friend thought I was wearing athletic shorts in 90° weather while exercising to sexually entice him. Ice had male acquaintances ignore 40, 50 year age gaps and develop fantasies that I wanted them.

 

I guess men and women can be friends, but it take special circumstances, maybe if the guy is 20 and the woman is 60, but I've never known a male to spend a lot of time with mature female friends.

 

You don't know any man who has the moral or mental strength to not act on his primal sexual instincts around you? That's peculiar.

 

Most people I know manage to build friendships with their preferred sex just fine; it's normal around my parts. There are plenty of decent, cerebral men who can keep it in their pants and not look at women like sexual objects.

[hotpotato]

You don't know any man who has the moral or mental strength to not act on his primal sexual instincts around you? That's peculiar.

 

Most people I know manage to build friendships with their preferred sex just fine; it's normal around my parts. There are plenty of decent, cerebral men who can keep it in their pants and not look at women like sexual objects.

 

Maybe it would be different if I had male childhood friends. The male friends I get are the ones who cold approach me. I learned the hard way if a man comes up to a woman, he's probably trying to holla. Many men choose female friends based in sexual attraction.

 

Men have told me their guy friends see sex as one of the benefits of having female friends. If a man wants to just hang out, he can do that with another man.

 

I think many women are in the dark about how their male friends feel about them, but that's something that's been discussed on is ad nauseam.

[littleblackheart]

Maybe it would be different if I had male childhood friends. The male friends I get are the ones who cold approach me. I learned the hard way if a man comes up to a woman, he's probably trying to holla. Many men choose female friends based in sexual attraction.

 

Men have told me their guy friends see sex as one of the benefits of having female friends. If a man wants to just hang out, he can do that with another man.

 

I think many women are in the dark about how their male friends feel about them, but that's something that's been discussed on is ad nauseam.

 

They can think it and not act on it? I don't think we women give men enough credit by pigeonholding them into sex beasts.

 

Same for women. We can keep it check, imo.

 

Anyway. It all comes down to personal experiences I guess. Not knowing what the specific context is for OP's question, it's difficult to reply with anything that isn't based on personal history.

 

Mine says yes, men and women can be friends. Maybe my male friend has another insight to this, but he never shared it with me. We've known each other 20 years, nothing ontowards.

[hotpotato]

They can think it and not act on it? I don't think we women give men enough credit by pigeonholding them into sex beasts.

 

Same for women. We can keep it check, imo.

 

Anyway. It all comes down to personal experiences I guess. Not knowing what the specific context is for OP's question, it's difficult to reply with anything that isn't based on personal history.

 

Mine says yes, men and women can be friends. Maybe my male friend has another insight to this, but he never shared it with me. We've known each other 20 years, nothing ontowards.

Well, they do keep it in for awhile...

 

As far as keeping it in check, it's not my job as a woman to try to control how a man feels. No one can control another person's feelings or desires.

 

I've found the best way to be friends with a man is for him to be gay or for there to be mutual sexual attraction.

[littleblackheart]

Well, they do keep it in for awhile...

 

As far as keeping it in check, it's not my job as a woman to try to control how a man feels. No one can control another person's feelings or desires.

 

I've found the best way to be friends with a man is for him to be gay or for there to be mutual sexual attraction.

 

I meant we as women can keep our own instincts in check.

 

Look, maybe you're so irrestible that no red blooded male can resist your charms, in which case sure, it must be a dilemma for you.

 

For us mere mortals who don't have that problem, friendship and wasting time second guessing each other's intentions isn't an issue. You can be physically attracted to someone for 2 mins then the attraction drops dead because the rest doesn't follow. You can already be in a secure couple and have strong morals, you can have known the person for ever,...

 

There are plenty of cases where a friendship is perfectly viable. Not for you admittedly, but for others, yes.

 

If a man tells me he can't be friends with the opposite sex, it's an immediate deal breaker to me but again, we don't know the specifics of OP's situation.

Edited July 15, 2018 by littleblackheart

[hotpotato]

I meant we as women can keep our own instincts in check.

 

Look, maybe you're so irrestible that no red blooded male can resist your charms, in which case sure, it must be a dilemma for you.

 

For us mere mortals who don't have that problem, friendship and wasting time second guessing each other's intentions isn't an issue. You can be physically attracted to someone for 2 mins then the attraction drops dead because the rest doesn't follow. You can already be in a secure couple and have strong morals, you can have known the person for ever,...

 

There are plenty of cases where a friendship is perfectly viable. Not for you admittedly, but for others, yes.

 

If a man tells me he can't be friends with the opposite sex, it's an immediate deal breaker to me but again, we don't know the specifics of OP's situation.

I've kept mine in check just fine, it's the guy who starts getting the fantasies, and they're usually just that, fantasies.

 

I figured you'd say something like that as you don't understand men. Many men out there can be sexually attracted to most women of child bearing age who aren't utterly disgusting. Heck, I had a man say we should have sex because he's a man and I'm a woman. A woman can be sexually attractive to a man and be quite far from being "irresistible."

 

We don't have 7.5 billion people on earth because men and women are so great at being friends.

[HiCrunchy]

I do.

 

Tho, usually they r gay or in the friendzone. On my end they are purely platonic.

[littleblackheart]

I've kept mine in check just fine, it's the guy who starts getting the fantasies, and they're usually just that, fantasies.

 

I figured you'd say something like that as you don't understand men. Many men out there can be sexually attracted to most women of child bearing age who aren't utterly disgusting. Heck, I had a man say we should have sex because he's a man and I'm a woman. A woman can be sexually attractive to a man and be quite far from being "irresistible."

 

We don't have 7.5 billion people on earth because men and women are so great at being friends.

 

Ok.

 

 

@ OP, what is the backdrop to your question?

[Els]

I never really knew before LS that there were so many people with no opposite gender friends! Honestly, what did you people do in college and school, did you only hang out in groups of the same sex and not have anything to do with the opposite gender besides dating and sex?

 

I don't see why I should exclude 50% of the world's population as friends simply based on their genitalia. I see people as people... and yes, that includes both men and women. If you're fun to talk to and we share a couple of interests/ similarities, we can be friends. Doesn't matter if you have a penis, a vagina, both, or none.

[thefooloftheyear]

Honestly, what did you people do in college and school, did you only hang out in groups of the same sex and not have anything to do with the opposite gender besides dating and sex?

 

.

 

 

Yep....I don't know how we managed to survive.....

 

 

 

TFY

[Els]

Yep....I don't know how we managed to survive.....

 

 

 

TFY

 

 

But... gosh. Seriously, I rarely saw such groups when I was in college. Some are male dominated (like football fans, or the gaming group that I was in), but there were almost always at least a few girls. Ditto with the predominantly girl groups. And even then, most people in those gender- specific groups had other groups of friends that were much more gender balanced (e.g. hiking groups, foodies, movie buffs, etc).

[carhill]

Generation and demographics have play too. I note it because of getting grief from the men when I break with the group to clean up or head in to talk with some of the wives, as the men are either in the garage or on the patio and the women are in the house. The operative phrase as I carry some pots and pans in is 'you'll make someone a good wife someday'. That's their way of saying men and women are different, respect it. I'm stubborn and don't care but it has limited male friendships over the decades.

[Els]

I have a platonic friendship with a guy, but he’s gay. There’s always an underlying sexual tension, however minuscule, between men and women.

 

 

Not in my experience. Sure, I've had a few of those ambiguous cases where there was indeed a bit of sexual tension, if I find them attractive (and I faded out with those few people when my current LTR started becoming serious). With the vast majority of my male friends whom I'm NOT attracted to, there is nothing. The thought of having sex with them, or even dating them or flirting with them, just squicks me out completely, like it would if they were a sibling or a woman. Heck, they could get a full transgender change and it wouldn't really alter anything between us, unless their personality or interests changed along with it.

[thefooloftheyear]

Generation and demographics have play too. I note it because of getting grief from the men when I break with the group to clean up or head in to talk with some of the wives, as the men are either in the garage or on the patio and the women are in the house. The operative phrase as I carry some pots and pans in is 'you'll make someone a good wife someday'. That's their way of saying men and women are different, respect it. I'm stubborn and don't care but it has limited male friendships over the decades.

 

 

Speaking of generational...

 

Where I grew up, there were social clubs that were male only....I mean there was never a sign on the door or anything, but you would NEVER see a woman in there...They'd talk business, play cards, gamble, watch ball games or boxing fights, etc...

 

When I was a kid, even the family functions, there was never an intermingling of men and women...The guys sat around smoking cigars and talking among themselves,...The only time a woman would get near them was to serve food, or clear the plates out of there...If a woman sat down next to them, they'd probably be like "what the hell do you want"....

 

It's not like that now....we all get together and there is a good mix among genders...

 

TFY

[lana-banana]

I have plenty of male friends with whom I've had no romantic or sexual connection. We have plenty of shared interests---food, wine, home renovations, military history, literature, politics, etc---and we recognize that for whatever reason we aren't compatible romantically. One of my best male friends is a fantastic guy but he is condescending about some things in a way that drives me absolutely crazy. I would never be able to tolerate it in a partner. Likewise, my male friends have no problem calling me out when I am too neurotic or anxious or weird, in a way they don't find attractive. My best male friend is seventeen years older than me and told me I reminded him of his sister. When I met her I realized we were practically identical.

 

There are other reasons platonic friendships can develop. Some people are married or taken. Others are coworkers. Some could even be relatives! You can look at someone interesting and compartmentalize them into a slot where you don't even really consider them in a sexual or romantic way.

 

I think part of getting older is learning about your deal breakers and knowing yourself as a partner. You might find someone hot on some level, but you know it would never be worth the mental or emotional effort.

[nospam99]

Male here. I'll share two contrasting situations that I hope contribute to the discussion ...

 

Years ago my ex-wife was an office mate with a man. He was married to a lovely woman. They had four kids, we had three. The two families were friends and sometimes socialized. The other couple are the godparents of my twins. Both couples are now divorced. The other ex-wife is a beautiful, sexy woman. If it was just about her body, I'd bang her in a heartbeat. But because of the history, I see her as a sister (and I don't do incest). To me, her friendship is totally platonic. She'd have to send me a VERY strong signal of romantic interest to change that.

 

About once a month, I meet a woman through OLD. These women are all new 'friends' and I am meeting them with specifically romantic intentions. I have yet to form a platonic friendship with any of them and have no intention to do so.