How do I know if I have moved on?

[HiCrunchy]

I just want to know how I should know if I have moved on from him? Because at this point, I am not sure if I ever will or if I have I just didn't notice it...

Edited July 11, 2018 by HiCrunchy

[Beachead]

I just want to know how I should know if I have moved on from him? Because at this point, I am not sure if I ever will or if I have I just didn't notice it...

 

Some good signs you are moving forward from my personal experiences are:

 

1. if you pass by old landmarks where you two spent time together and it doesn't cross your mind or you catch yourself realizing that you passed by them and didn't notice.

 

2. Noticing other men or feeling a desire to begin something new.

 

3. Catching yourself smiling, excited, feeling happy or feeling other bright emotions more than sadness or relative emotions.

 

4. When you can look back at your relationship and feel genuinely at peace with what happened. You've come to a point where you've accepted what transpired and why it didn't work out and you don't long for it or miss it.

 

These things don't happen in order or one at a time, sometimes all of them happen at once to some degree or another. Somtimes only 2 might happen at once. Generally speaking, the more indicators you agree with, the further down the road of healing you've gone.

 

Personally, I think we can only heal about 80-90% of the way on our own. The remaining 10-20% are wounds and damage that will only be healed by a new experience with a new love. Even then, we can never truly reach 100% because we'll never be who we were again. Immense pain triggered from death, heartbreak and loss will change us tremendously. We grieve, we reflect, we transform, adjust and recover, we adopt a new perspective, we grow, we mature. So that measure of can we ever be 100% again is based off of can we fully return to who we used to be, which is impossible. We're new people.

 

- Beach

Edited July 11, 2018 by Beachead

[Ralph79]

When the time you spend mourning and regretting what you've lost is outweighed by the time you are genuinely happy and grateful for what you have.

 

As Beachead said, part of us will always will always miss who we were, what we had, it's human nature and IMO healthy even. But while we are still breathing there should always be hope for the future, expectations to be met of ourselves and gratefulness for those that are part of our daily lives in a positive way.

[cooldude123]

This is my first post in this forum. So please bear with me

 

I am posting this based on my experience after being the dumpee in the relationship.

The human mind is very weird. A relationship is like addiction. As soon as your partner detatches from you, its like drugs taken away from a long time drug addict. You will go through the mourning phase / sadness phase for a longgggg time. Now that longggg time is subjective and it goes person to person. The withdrawal symptoms (Love) are severe and it reduces with Time. TIME IS THE ONLY HEALING FACTOR HERE! The only way you can come out of it is be making each day a better day. You always need to take every step forward. No question stepping back (Although that unexpectedly happens even in best circumstances).

I whole heartdedly agree with Beachhead post above. That is one way by means of which you can gauge how far you have let go off your past. The issue is if you keep pondering around the same memories all the time, then you will definitely cause the past memories to return and make things worse for you.

I keep this as a general rule of thumb. It is definitely not accurate. but something you can take as a starting point, give 1 month for every year of the relationship. Lets say you had a sex year relationship, give at least 6 months of progressive period. I am not saying this is something you need to adhere strictly as there are too many dynamics to play and depends on person to person. I am a guy and you are a woman. So things that you may feel difficult to let go may be easier for me and vice versa.

 

So just don't look back. Simply move forward and never turn to see what happens! All the best!

[SevenCity]

When you finally move on, you’ll hardly notice. It’s never been my experience that I wake up one day and feel an epiphany. Rather, it slowly creeps up on you.

 

You’re over someone when the thought of them sleeping with someone else, dating, or getting married has as much impact if it were a complete stranger.

 

Indifference is the key. Not mad, not happy, just don’t care.

 

Everyone has their own timing but with me it has been half to the length I was with them when I was really in love.

 

Don’t try to rush it, but you need to create new memories to get rid of the old.

 

I just passed 2 years since my 7 year ex left me and have gotten to the point where l fell in love with someone else. But I’m not indifferent yet.

 

It will happen, but it takes longer than you think it should.

[HiCrunchy]

I keep this as a general rule of thumb. It is definitely not accurate. but something you can take as a starting point, give 1 month for every year of the relationship. Lets say you had a sex year relationship, give at least 6 months of progressive period. I am not saying this is something you need to adhere strictly as there are too many dynamics to play and depends on person to person. I am a guy and you are a woman. So things that you may feel difficult to let go may be easier for me and vice versa.

 

So just don't look back. Simply move forward and never turn to see what happens! All the best!

 

Thank you tho my situation is more uncommon most. I dated him for 6 months, have been apart 2 years now and have been in complete NC for more than 1 year. I dont think ur timeline works for special cases like mine. I will try and keep taking it one day at a time tho, there is nothing I can do besides that.

[HiCrunchy]

Beach I dont feel any of the things u listed.

And seven, I dont think I can ever feel indifference.

 

Am I just broken?

[carhill]

I just want to know how I should know if I have moved on from him?

 

IMO, that's individual but a good test for myself was meeting exW's boyfriend, the guy who'd been living with her since before we divorced, and not wanting to blow them away and put them in two shallow graves.

 

In other words, no big deal. Done, over, next. IIRC, that meeting occurred about two years after we divorced. I even offered the guy a job. ExW politely declined

[HiCrunchy]

IMO, that's individual but a good test for myself was meeting exW's boyfriend, the guy who'd been living with her since before we divorced, and not wanting to blow them away and put them in two shallow graves.

 

In other words, no big deal. Done, over, next. IIRC, that meeting occurred about two years after we divorced. I even offered the guy a job. ExW politely declined

 

i don't think i could ever do that. I rather not know about his dating life. ever.

[Ralph79]

Beach I dont feel any of the things u listed.

And seven, I dont think I can ever feel indifference.

 

Am I just broken?

 

Every case is special. Everyone has to walk their own path towards their destiny. Believe me, almost everyone here on these forums that relates to your situation knows exactly how you feel. Myself included.

 

It will sound cliche, but it is and undeniable truth: Time heals all emotional wounds, but the scars will always remain. The pain, the sadness, the sense of despair all become mitigated over time, until these traumatic events that feel so intense to bear today become mere anecdotes of our past eventually.

 

I will guarantee you one thing: You will feel indifferent towards this.

 

You may or may not have realize yet that you empower these feelings. You empower these memories of your ex. Thankfully this is something that is completely under your control.

 

One positive you can take out of this,is that it will not empower anyone else and allow yourself to be put in this situation as easily in the future.

[cooldude123]

Thank you tho my situation is more uncommon most. I dated him for 6 months, have been apart 2 years now and have been in complete NC for more than 1 year. I dont think ur timeline works for special cases like mine. I will try and keep taking it one day at a time tho, there is nothing I can do besides that.

 

 

I understand! Like i pointed in my post, it is not a standard measurement. May be in your case you gave a lot more emotional commitment than your partner (You want all in with all your chips) which is the reason it is difficult for you to come out of it. You need to pre-occupy your mind daily with good activities. And also this is very important (I will insist this a million times) - Diet & Excercise. Keep your mind also calm using meditation, mindfulness, yoga etc. They definitely help you to come out faster and quicker. In short, do things that you like the most! And leave very little time to mourn for the past relationship. Time is the healing factor!

[Beachead]

Beach I dont feel any of the things u listed.

And seven, I dont think I can ever feel indifference.

 

Am I just broken?

 

Compared to day 1 after the breakup and maybe even after the last contact with this guy..would you say that you feel better?

[HiCrunchy]

Compared to day 1 after the breakup and maybe even after the last contact with this guy..would you say that you feel better?

 

No not like day one. Which I suppose is progress.

 

But if u asked if I still loved him, yes. I would say that I still miss him. And if he randomly decided to be with me, I would still consider it. If he wanted to contact me, I would be so happy.

 

Indifference isnt something I feel at all.

Edited July 12, 2018 by HiCrunchy

[cooldude123]

You cannot completely forget yoyr ex. Take it from me. There will always be some memories. It may be fond or bad depending on your mood. Initial days of the breakup is the toughest. As days go by, it will settle down somewhere easy and bearable but definitely not completely eliminated.

[Beachead]

No not like day one. Which I suppose is progress.

 

But if u asked if I still loved him, yes. I would say that I still miss him. And if he randomly decided to be with me, I would still consider it. If he wanted to contact me, I would be so happy.

 

Indifference isnt something I feel at all.

 

That's good. That shows some progress. But there is a plateau there..something is holding you back.

 

I read your sept 2017 post on this guy. Sounds like it could be one or a combination of things:

 

1. Either a low libido.

2. Avoidance or burying pain from the breakup. (Are you able to go to places or do things that you did in your relationship and feel decently okay or does it still make your heart ache? If it's the latter, that is a sign of not letting go).

3. Residual hope because perhaps some things were left up in the air. Left you in limbo. The fact that you say that you still love him and would take him back suggests this very likely. Do you fantasize or imagine him coming back?

 

Sometimes we paint these beautiful pictures in our head of how we wanted our exes to be and as time goes by and they continue to remain out of sight, our minds tend to conveniently omit the bad that happened in the relationship and we glorify them and put them on a pedestal making them seem like this light..when it fact they weren't all that great. Given the length of time it's been, an alternative solution may be needed besides the standard. Maybe what you need is to contact this guy to kill the idea of him being THE guy. I say this because I know he will will likely respond in some dry way that will hurt you or he may not respond at all which will hurt worse. But perhaps that is what you need. You've seen my advice around LS and know I am always cautioning people not to do this but, advice is never absolute. It depends on the case. In your case, you might need that reminder.

 

It took me 2 years to get over my ex from 2015. She broke up with me, left things up in the air in summary. She'd vanish for a few months and pop back in, break NC and reopen my wounds. I'd respond because i was weak and wanted to be with her. Everytime, the interaction lead to a fight. She'd disappear again leaving things in a big mess. Went on for 2 years. I allowed it because of hope. Towards the end, I knew I couldn't keep doing this pattern with her because I had broken myself into pieces sticking it out. I was emotionally exhausted, depressed, broken, felt hopeless. So, towards the end, I ended up breaking NC knowing deep down inside what would happen and what she wanted and that nothing would change. It was the first time since around the first few months we broke that I had actually reached out. I think I did it to prove to myself this was done. We fought again and it just so happened by this point in time, I was finally ready to let go and let go I did. I said my peace and blocked her off of the last channel of communication we had. Never looked back. It's been over a year now and I think about her sometimes but I'm okay now because I reached that point of knowing I did everything I could. I left it all on the table. The whole story is tainted with many mistakes I made but in all honesty..there was no way I could ahve gotten through that situation without burning myself 10 times over. It was something I needed to go through to get through it and so I subjected myself to it and in the end I got passed it because of it. Sometimes, you just need to do it your way.

 

Many would have advised against this but it would have been terrible advice for me. Would have kept me holding on for who knows how long.

 

Take my advice into consideration and see if it agrees with the heart and soul.

 

- Beach

Edited July 13, 2018 by Beachead

[HiCrunchy]

That's good. That shows some progress. But there is a plateau there..something is holding you back.

 

I read your sept 2017 post on this guy. Sounds like it could be one or a combination of things:

 

<SNIP>

 

 

 

In terms of libido, are you referring to me or him?

 

I don't live where we dated anymore, but I went back to visit my college campus again. Seeing the places he and I used to spend time together didn't hurt, but brought back feelings of missing him. How we used to be.

Part of me hopes, even though I have no reason to. I think that is my nature, I have always had trouble letting go of the things that I really want and normally pursue those things.

 

I think when I reached out to him that night, I got all I needed to know. But my heart still misses and loves him even knowing this. I wish I could forget him. Breaking NC again, wouldn't help me move on because I know what it will entail.

 

Beached, thanks for answering my thread. I think most people are tired of trying to help me, because I think at this point there is no helping me. I am meant to suffer with this for some reason I suppose. I can't be helped, because I am not normal. I wish I was normal.

Edited July 14, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Beachead]

In terms of libido, are you referring to me or him?

 

I don't live where we dated anymore, but I went back to visit my college campus again. Seeing the places he and I used to spend time together didn't hurt, but brought back feelings of missing him. How we used to be.

Part of me hopes, even though I have no reason to. I think that is my nature, I have always had trouble letting go of the things that I really want and normally pursue those things.

 

I think when I reached out to him that night, I got all I needed to know. But my heart still misses and loves him even knowing this. I wish I could forget him. Breaking NC again, wouldn't help me move on because I know what it will entail.

 

Beached, thanks for answering my thread. I think most people are tired of trying to help me, because I think at this point there is no helping me. I am meant to suffer with this for some reason I suppose. I can't be helped, because I am not normal. I wish I was normal.

 

I was referring to yours.

 

I know what you mean though. I'm the same way. It's been 11 months for me and I still feel my heart skip a beat everytime I pass by familiar areas. I miss her and what could have been. Sometimes I wish I could just sit with her and have one more conversation. See her smile again as she was before she revealed her true self and left me. Even my ex previous to her. I feel these things still. But like you, I won't contact either.

 

When I compare myself to day 1, I am considerably better and I've returned to a place where I can focus on my life again but, there will always be scars. Those questions of why I can't have what I see others have. Why it never works out? Why do I always have to move on? Why can't the person I meet be the person I end up with. I blame myself, try to figure it out. Try to correct what I think is wrong about me, and then get back out there and go at it again only to wind up right back in the dump. For the last 17 years of my life, all my relationships ended before it got too serious. Never got to move in with someone. Never met their parents formally. All the things that may people seem to think are a normal part of relationships..I never had. But I wanted it and I was ready for it.

 

Well, things changed. I quit blaming myself. I quit searching. I quit trying. Evidently, I was not relationship material and I made my peace with it. I can't be anyone else but me and that's all I can be.

 

One thing that really helped me deal was restructuring my life and developing a new routine with a new schedule. Meeting new people in new places and interacting with those different personalities helped me to rediscover that there are people out there that do mix with my personality and do want to spend time with me. Being around people who enjoy being around me makes me feel good. Appreciated. Needed. I study with people for my classes since I'm currently in school. Sometimes I am able to even help them with the work which shows me I can contribute and lead and make a difference. All these discoveries I've made has not only helped me cope...but made me better person than yesterday.

 

If you haven't done this already, I think for you, meeting a lot of different people may help dilute the effect this man had on you. You don't have to date or search for a lifelong partner when socializing. Just keep it light and enjoy discovering new people and what they have to share.

 

Lastly, did you know wishing to be normal is normal? And not measuring up is normal as well? It's okay if you aren't normal. Don't try to be. It's a waste of your time and your life and I'll tell you why. You can spend your entire life trying to be something your not but in the end, all you'll ever be is a cheap imitation of someone else. But if you get comfortable in your skin and work on being the best Hicrunchy you can be for YOU and not for anyone else..you will be able to give something special and unique that nobody else can give which will be live in everything that you are.

 

- Beach

Edited July 14, 2018 by Beachead

[HiCrunchy]

I was referring to yours.

 

I know what you mean though. I'm the same way. It's been 11 months for me and I still feel my heart skip a beat everytime I pass by familiar areas. I miss her and what could have been. Sometimes I wish I could just sit with her and have one more conversation. See her smile again as she was before she revealed her true self and left me. Even my ex previous to her. I feel these things still. But like you, I won't contact either.

 

When I compare myself to day 1, I am considerably better and I've returned to a place where I can focus on my life again but, there will always be scars. Those questions of why I can't have what I see others have. Why it never works out? Why do I always have to move on? Why can't the person I meet be the person I end up with. I blame myself, try to figure it out. Try to correct what I think is wrong about me, and then get back out there and go at it again only to wind up right back in the dump. For the last 17 years of my life, all my relationships ended before it got too serious. Never got to move in with someone. Never met their parents formally. All the things that may people seem to think are a normal part of relationships..I never had. But I wanted it and I was ready for it.

 

Well, things changed. I quit blaming myself. I quit searching. I quit trying. Evidently, I was not relationship material and I made my peace with it. I can't be anyone else but me and that's all I can be.

 

One thing that really helped me deal was restructuring my life and developing a new routine with a new schedule. Meeting new people in new places and interacting with those different personalities helped me to rediscover that there are people out there that do mix with my personality and do want to spend time with me. Being around people who enjoy being around me makes me feel good. Appreciated. Needed. I study with people for my classes since I'm currently in school. Sometimes I am able to even help them with the work which shows me I can contribute and lead and make a difference. All these discoveries I've made has not only helped me cope...but made me better person than yesterday.

 

If you haven't done this already, I think for you, meeting a lot of different people may help dilute the effect this man had on you. You don't have to date or search for a lifelong partner when socializing. Just keep it light and enjoy discovering new people and what they have to share.

 

Lastly, did you know wishing to be normal is normal? And not measuring up is normal as well? It's okay if you aren't normal. Don't try to be. It's a waste of your time and your life and I'll tell you why. You can spend your entire life trying to be something your not but in the end, all you'll ever be is a cheap imitation of someone else. But if you get comfortable in your skin and work on being the best Hicrunchy you can be for YOU and not for anyone else..you will be able to give something special and unique that nobody else can give which will be live in everything that you are.

 

- Beach

 

Funny thing is relative to his, my libido was very high. But that is sort of another conversation for another day I suppose.

 

I will try meeting new people, although I find myself being tired of chitchat and crave strong friendships and relationships. These things I no longer have especially since leaving college and moving back home. I am having trouble following through with things and am feeling lost a lot of the time. I will try and take your advice to heart. Thank you. Maybe I will get off the forum for a little while. My sister told me it isn't healthy to spend so much time here. Maybe she is right.

Edited July 16, 2018 by HiCrunchy

[Beachead]

Funny thing is relative to his, my libido was very high. But that is sort of another conversation for another day I suppose.

 

I will try meeting new people, although I find myself being tired of chitchat and crave strong friendships and relationships. These things I no longer have especially since leaving college and moving back home. I am having trouble following through with things and am feeling lost a lot of the time. I will try and take your advice to heart. Thank you. Maybe I will get off the forum for a little while. My sister told me it isn't healthy to spend so much time here. Maybe she is right.

 

You can have that too meeting more people. The goal is you want some connection. The action to take is to join things that you like and that you're passionate about that are group oriented. What are you passionate about? What makes you excited? What scares you? Things to think about it as you figure it out. The people you meet will share in your goals and interests which means you'll likely discover new friends because you have a common reason for being there. That's a good foundation to start from. Additionally, I've found joining things that are challenging and that scare you can actually end up being what you needed all along.

 

As far as feeling lost and not being able to focus because of it, journal out your thoughts. Just freewrite. See what's in the mind. And maybe start writing down some things to help you focus. What do you hope to achieve in your life? Where do you want to be 10 years from now? How will you get there? What makes you happy? What makes you want to get out of that bed in the morning? Getting those wheels turning will be a slow process because your mind may not want to cooperate with you. But sit there and really think about it. Some proper alone time will help you see things.

 

I think I need to take some time off from here as well. Concentrate on my life and advance a bit more, gain some life experience, win at a few things and fail at some others and maybe come back with a fresh perspective.

 

Best of luck to you. If you need an ear at any point, just pm me and I'll check it.

 

- Beach

Edited July 16, 2018 by Beachead

[CrazyKatLady]

I used to move on when I had met someone new...but going to counseling now to get a better perspective on those types of situations...sometimes you just need closure, ya know? maybe you feel a lack of closure.

[KatCha]

I've thought about suicide once before, I'm ashamed to say, but it was thru my own failure in life, not because of some unrequited romance-although those are not fun either. I hope this is the right subject for this posting, I got side tracked and can't remember which topic I read last! My bad!

[KatCha]

Trump-Et. Et is the most used word in the Hebrew bible. It means the first and the last letter of the Hebrew alphabet.

The first and the last trump-et? Is this our sign of the end of times?

Their bodies will fill the bowl of the bottom half of the earth with numbers greater than the fish in the sea. This will be the lake of fire from which God's enemies have no escape. I feel the hoof beats faintly under my feet Lord and I rejoice in Your coming. The King lives forever and His majesty reigns over all!

[Logo]

This is my first post in this forum. So please bear with me

 

I am posting this based on my experience after being the dumpee in the relationship.

The human mind is very weird. A relationship is like addiction. As soon as your partner detatches from you, its like drugs taken away from a long time drug addict. You will go through the mourning phase / sadness phase for a longgggg time. Now that longggg time is subjective and it goes person to person. The withdrawal symptoms (Love) are severe and it reduces with Time. TIME IS THE ONLY HEALING FACTOR HERE! The only way you can come out of it is be making each day a better day. You always need to take every step forward. No question stepping back (Although that unexpectedly happens even in best circumstances).

I whole heartdedly agree with Beachhead post above. That is one way by means of which you can gauge how far you have let go off your past. The issue is if you keep pondering around the same memories all the time, then you will definitely cause the past memories to return and make things worse for you.

I keep this as a general rule of thumb. It is definitely not accurate. but something you can take as a starting point, give 1 month for every year of the relationship. Lets say you had a sex year relationship, give at least 6 months of progressive period. I am not saying this is something you need to adhere strictly as there are too many dynamics to play and depends on person to person. I am a guy and you are a woman. So things that you may feel difficult to let go may be easier for me and vice versa.

 

So just don't look back. Simply move forward and never turn to see what happens! All the best!

 

 

I think time smooths over the emotional bumps, but I don't feel that it truly heals. We can't be "as good as new" after each relationship.

[KatCha]

What is a girl to do?!

1). Cry

2). Feel crappy

3). Do stupid stuff

4). Get angry

5). Try to move on even though you feel crazy now

6). Not tell him all this stuff, suffer in silence

7). Major depression, untreated though

8). Ruin life, after a decade has passed

9). Talk about him to ex's

10). Try to make sense of it all

11). Become obsessed with fixing life and moving on

12). Messenger him talking mad crap about how mean he was before, for therapeutic purposes, of course.

13). Have it backfire

14). Think he shows up in life as different people

15). Repeat many of these steps, but crazier than ever

16). Post craziness online for ALL to experience, best IDEA yet! (Not!)

17). Think he is talking about it online, responding back

18). Wondering if schizophrenia is part of my condition now?

19). Still waiting (What is WRONG with me, embarrassed by myself, but know this is not ME! Going out of my dang mind even more, if that is possible!!).

20). Cheese and rice, I love this jerk! But why? Why? Why? If he would just say those few little words, I don't love you, then I could stop all this madness. But it wouldn't be proper and so I won't do it. I know he doesn't, but I need to hear it. Autism makes no assumptions, it has to hear it from the horses mouth. There is no room for error here people. It is not an option for autistics, and that is how it affects me. Everyone is different.

[KatCha]

As soon as I can find myself again through all this rubble. What a mess you have made! Crykey!