Update- Two Married People Divorced Their Spouses to be Together

[Pretty Dahlia]

Hello LS,

I used to lurk a lot on this site, and then I finally posted my story about 1.5 years ago. The thread is here: https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/618342-my-story-so-far-s-1-5-years-long

 

 

My story generated a lot of interest because it had the surprising outcome of both AP's getting out of their marriages to be together.

 

 

I'm returning to post now as a follow up.

 

 

Condensed version: We were both married and not looking to have an affair when we connected. But neither of us was happy in our respective marriages and it was only a few weeks before I mentally jumped the boundary and decided I was not going to turn him down if he wanted to pursue.

 

 

Once we were in an affair, it was very intense.

 

 

After we hit our 1 year anniversary- I initiated a divorce. I did not have faith that he would do the same, but I knew my marriage was ruined and destroyed and I did not want to even try to put it back together.

 

 

Pleasantly surprisingly- he initiated a divorce a few weeks after I did.

 

 

Our divorces finished within a few months of each other. A few months after it was final, he rented out his house and moved in with me.

 

 

That all happened about 1.5 years ago.

 

 

Since then:

My ex-husband initially moved to a place down the street from me which made the exchanges of our daughter pretty easy. But a few months after his move, he got a girlfriend in the next town over. Within six months, he decided to move to her town (into his own apartment) to make it a shorter commute to see her. So my commute to do daughter exchanges became about 40 minutes each way. We each drive one of the legs, and I see her everyday around my work schedule. I'm not complaining at all, I'm so glad he found love and moved on from me. I even accompanied them on a trip to Disney last Summer, and stayed overnight in their air B & B that they rented in Orlando. A few weeks ago, he proposed to his girlfriend and now they are engaged. They have bought a house and they'll be moving in together next week.

 

 

Our daughter has adjusted exceptionally well. She was 2 at the time of the divorce, she is nearly 5 now, and has no memories of it. She is used to the routine and luckily there have been no problems with her.

 

 

Me and my man are still together. We are still living in my house and we are wonderful. My boyfriend has bonded with my daughter and she considers him part of her "big family". My boyfriend and I go on dates several nights a week and we still have a ton of fun together. He still has his rented out house 2 hrs from where I live. And actually...he never found a job in my town. He went on several interviews, but nothing materialized. Eventually he became so used to commuting 2 hrs each way he stopped looking. Luckily- his employer is only making him come to the office 2 days a week- so he overnights at his ex-stepdaughters house and catches up with everyone.

 

 

I'm much more careful with this relationship than I was with my ex. I'm so much more aware of how subtly a relationship can decline. I put in a big effort to stay at my best, and treat him like he is the best. And so far, he is putting in a huge effort for me. I can see it every day, that we prioritize each other.

 

 

Oh yeah- and his ex has recently moved in with a man as well. She jumped around in a few relationships, but this one has been steady. She and I are ok around each other, we are friends on social media, and exchanged pleasantries at a rock concert when we discovered we were all about 1 row away from each other!

 

 

Anyways, getting the divorce was the best, best thing- I have zero regrets. I only wish I had the guts to do it a long time ago. But it took the affair to push me into action. My ex and I see each other every day (during the exchange), we text a few times a day (about the exchange), and we sit together for our daughters weekly sports lessons. We stay away from triggery conversation topics, but we have remained ok around each other to talk about most things.

 

 

I got lucky all the way around. In every single capacity. I'm not saying an affair is a win-win (I hope to never ever go down that route again!), but a verrrrryyyy small percent of the time it might work out.

Edited July 11, 2018 by Pretty Dahlia

[carhill]

Thanks for the update and best wishes for a long and healthy relationship.

[whichwayisup]

I'm much more careful with this relationship than I was with my ex. I'm so much more aware of how subtly a relationship can decline. I put in a big effort to stay at my best, and treat him like he is the best. And so far, he is putting in a huge effort for me. I can see it every day, that we prioritize each other.

He's not seen you at your worst? You're happy go lucky and always on best behavior around him?

 

I like that you put him first, as a partner should with their spouse but it's also good to be able to be however you're feeling at times. Don't try to minimize or hide crappy feelings or moods from him. Or have I misunderstood what you meant here?

 

Great that things have worked out for everybody, especially for your daughter. She sounds happy and well adjusted, kudos to you all for putting her first and making the transition easier (no bad energy and fighting around here).

[HiCrunchy]

How long have you and ur ap been together since the beginning of the affair?

[Adotta]

Your lucky. And honestly this would be such a beautiful story of love conquering all if you had only divorced before starting anything serious with your AP turned husband, but to get where you are now you two had to drag two people in the mud behind you until you eventually cut them loose.

 

I'm happy it worked out. I'm happy there seems to be no hard feeling and the destruction wasn't all encompassing.

 

BUT... It rarely works out this way for most OW. I cringe that some young girl might come on here and think this post is a sign that she should continue chasing a manipulative using ap. Not every ow/OM story will have the same outcome that yours has so far. Actually the vast majority won't. The statistics simply don't lie.

 

You are very lucky. Treasure it. Keep us updated on any big changes if you don't mind. I'm curious how this works out in the long run as currently you are still in the early stages of your relationship. I wonder if one or both of you will end up repeating history at a later point when the newness begins to wear off.

 

Not that I'm hoping for it. I would never wish unhappiness on another just to have a little more anecdotal evidence to throw around here. I truly wish you the best.

[carhill]

How long have you and ur ap been together since the beginning of the affair?

Looks like about 33 months so far, so just short of three years.....

 

ETA, it just occurred to me, my time flies, that a past MW of mine who exit affaired has now been with her BF/affair partner for about 18 years. They were also both married when they met and she was a serial MW I'd met some 15 years prior to her exit affair and divorce.

 

I've seen other similar stories to that of the OP and most likely there are more lurking in my social circle that I don't know about. Those successes don't post on online forums rather are out living life.

Edited July 12, 2018 by carhill

[Pretty Dahlia]

To answer questions/respond to the comments:

 

 

We are almost at 3 years together since the start of the affair.

 

 

We currently have a beautiful story except the beginning was shameful. I've accepted that. I never try to hide how we met and got started, but the reaction from others ranges. And I understand. I'm not trying to change any minds or win anyone over. It is just our story.

 

 

I do try to be at my best for my boyfriend. That means I shave my legs nearly every day. I put on makeup before we go out of the house together. I keep the house very clean. This sounds very 1950's and I'm not at all trying to emulate that dynamic. But during my affair stage- I read a lot of forums. I was trying to understand what I was doing. Why I was cheating. Why he was cheating. What was happening?

 

 

I read about dead bedrooms (DB)- from the perspective of the spouse wanting sex. and how rejected they felt. How it crushed their self-esteem, how it kind of turned into a power dynamic, how it turned into a pattern of laziness. And down the road without any real "episode", the two spouses were totally adrift of each other. I read about DB from the perspective of the person withholding sex. How unappreciated they felt. How tired they were. How so many other commitments had risen to the top of the responsibility pile. Now...looking in hindsight...I could see how those same things had evolved in my first marriage. And I am committed to not getting into that pattern.

 

 

I read about why people are sucked into affairs. Reading from spouses that they feel taken for granted (by their spouse), that they feel undesired, that they feel useless, or like an ATM machine or a maid....and then they are vulnerable to someone who offers thrill and excitement. The ego boost to be complimented, admired and feel respected. It becomes addicting. I understand that- I LIVED THAT. If I can make my partner feel loved, feel like they are enough, that they are my world, that I put in effort for them, then maybe I can neutralize the effects when someone else pays compliments to my partner.

 

 

And this is not to say that an affair is the spouses fault- there are people that are driven to cheat. One fulfilling partnership is not enough. Its true that if you enter into a monogamous relationship- you are sacrificing things that a "single" lifestyle provides. And some people think they can enjoy the best of both lifestyles.

 

 

But there are people that don't want both lifestyles. They just want one fulfilling lifestyle. I fit into that category. There was no "reason" or "episode" in my marriage that justified my looking outward. It was a thousand tiny emotional resentments, or actions, or detachments that at some point, I looked at my then husband and thought "I would not marry him if I could do over. But I am stuck. I have to make the best of it." And that mentality made me vulnerable to another man. If not for my current partner, it would have been someone else at some other point. I felt starved for love. And I did not even know it, until I felt it from someone else.

 

 

So with my current partner- I'm aware that as we age, we will slow down. We will get sick. Bad things will happen. But today we are the youngest we will ever be, and lets keep building that foundation together. The memories of fun, prettiness, wittiness, pampering, and trying are all a foundation that you lean on in the harder times. The dark days when you say "why am I even here? Is this what I want?" and then you think back to a time when you came home from work and your partner ran down the stairs to hug and greet you. And you smile. So today- I am still capable of running to the front door to greet my partner- so why not? It makes them feel good, and it takes a minute for them to feel appreciated.

 

 

But there are days I mentally check out. I lay in bed and read on my phone and ignore my partner. Sometimes I snap and take out my stress on him. It's going to happen. So I try to outnumber those not so great days, and keep a balance.

 

 

Yes, my daughter is doing very well. I chose a very good father. He's not my type of husband, but I did choose well in picking out a dad. So he has been able to rise above what I did, and see that two parents are needed to be present in our daughters life. He didn't get a say in keeping the family together, and that is on me. But he does not want our daughter ruined as a result of my actions. So we have figured out a great co-parenting dynamic.

 

 

My ex and I are both in therapy. We both started individual therapy before I even broached divorce. I think having a neutral party to objectively mediate things has helped enormously to help emotions from harming actions.

Edited July 12, 2018 by Pretty Dahlia

[HiCrunchy]

Looks like about 33 months so far, so just short of three years.....

 

ETA, it just occurred to me, my time flies, that a past MW of mine who exit affaired has now been with her BF/affair partner for about 18 years. They were also both married when they met and she was a serial MW I'd met some 15 years prior to her exit affair and divorce.

 

I've seen other similar stories to that of the OP and most likely there are more lurking in my social circle that I don't know about. Those successes don't post on online forums rather are out living life.

 

Oh very true. Only the ones that are broken are going to seek out some help.

Makes me wonder how many of these actually work out rather than what we see on the forum. Very good point.

[JuneL]

Just checked out your first thread. You mentioned that your friendship escalated into an affair when you sent him a flirty text. If you don’t mind sharing: What was that text about?

[Pretty Dahlia]

Just checked out your first thread. You mentioned that your friendship escalated into an affair when you sent him a flirty text. If you don’t mind sharing: What was that text about?

 

 

My text conversation as I remember it:

I told him about an event I was going to with some girlfriends.

He told me not to get into trouble.

I told him something like "Oh I can get into trouble, but I know it wont be tonight!" ...that to me, was my signal to pursue me.

 

 

Oddly, he feels the signal was also through text when he said something like: "I wanted to kiss you", and I responded "I wish you had kissed me". Which I don't even remember that exchange...but probably took place long after I mentally jumped into the affair, so it was just one of many scandalous texts.

 

 

So you can see a wide divide between our versions of the first flirty text and when the green light was given.

[JuneL]

As an outsider, it looks to me like he was the initiator in both cases: telling you not to get into trouble, and telling you he wanted to kiss you. Of course you escalated each a step further in your replies.

[Pretty Dahlia]

As a woman, I'm used to having a guard up to maintain relationship boundaries. I've always assumed every man that I interact with would want to have sex with me if I let him. Sounds pompous, but I've just learned to go in with that assumption- that it is up to me to create the boundary with men. They will respect it, but I cant just let other variables create a boundary. Other variables such as the title of coworker, or boss, or I'm married, or my best friends boyfriend...because I don't want to be in a position where I assumed that the 'title" between us (co-workers for example) would keep the other person from pursuing, and then ugh-oh.

 

 

So I consider MY green light signal to be the start.

 

 

But yeah, he was pushing the envelope before I gave in and participated.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I've always assumed every man that I interact with would want to have sex with me if I let him. Sounds pompous, but I've just learned to go in with that assumption- that it is up to me to create the boundary with men.

 

I feel this is a valid assumption. There may be some other legitimate reasons, like they want something else from you - like in a monetary business sense, but generally speaking most men are not looking to make new female friends. So if a man is contacting you and you can't see the reason they are contacting you (business, school, kid thing), it's probably to see if you are open to something sexual.

 

I really only learned that after my bad experience landing me here.

[BTDT2012]

Are you planning to marry him?

[Pretty Dahlia]

Are you planning to marry him?

 

 

That is a hard question to answer, but seems to be what everyone asks us:

 

 

I don't know if we will ever marry, and I would not be surprised either way. My focus is on staying together- and I very much want to stay together till the end. I want us to retire together, and go into old age together.

 

 

I tried marriage once and failed. Marriage is supposed to be forever, you are not supposed to have a second marriage if you actually believe in the concept. So I consider that maybe I'm not marriage material. And same for him.

 

 

And I don't really see any benefits to marriage. We both have kids, we both own properties. I've considered the benefit of making end of life decisions for one another, but that can be created with a lawyer.

 

 

BUT I feel a stigma being unmarried. It's a complicated, subtle judgment that I feel pretty regularly from random experiences. It's kind of a "you are in your mid-thirties and unmarried? What's wrong with you?" feeling. From women (because women can be judgy), and men too. It's easy to hold my head high for the most part, but sometimes I get bogged down in the "need to prove that my relationship is just as legitimate" mindset.

 

 

Plus my boyfriend said he feels that people would kind of joke if we were to get married in a "I wonder how long this one will last" kind of way. And he does not really want to set a time clock on our demise by getting married. I kind of feel that way too- like marriage is one step from divorce. Not getting married means you'll never get divorced.

 

 

So I don't really see a good reason to get married. But I feel a lot of pressure to get married to legitimize our relationship, or be on equal footing with my co-workers, family and acquaintances because they judge by title.

 

 

My friends all know we are the real deal. Because they have insight into my day-to-day. So there is never any judgment coming from them.

 

 

Recently (like last month), I started wearing a ring on my left hand ring finger. It looks like an engagement ring. It generated some questions, and I honestly answered it is not an engagement ring. But it does make me feel like my outward ring status reflects my dating status. That was a lot of unpacking with my therapist! My boyfriend is not a fan of it- he feels that it puts pressure on him to propose, because there is a glaring symbol that we are not engaged. But I told him that as much as people are going to turn to him and question "whats going on? Dahlia had to buy her own ring?" , I was experiencing just as many "so, are you guys going to get married?" questions from people I barely know. And the ring has stopped most of those questions on my end. He can bear the brunt of questions for a while.

Edited July 16, 2018 by Pretty Dahlia

[DKT3]

So to simplify your last post, he doesn't want to get married. And you kinda do.

[MidnightBlue1980]

 

I tried marriage once and failed. Marriage is supposed to be forever, you are not supposed to have a second marriage if you actually believe in the concept. So I consider that maybe I'm not marriage material. And same for him.

 

 

There is a lot here but I wanted to say that this is so very not true. People make mistakes, they marry the wrong person, they screw it up, poor choices in life, stuff happens. That's the thing about life, you actually can get chance after chance to make your life better and get what you want. Not necessarily who you want and it may not look like you thought it would, but many people go on to have a second marriage and are quite successful in it.

 

You are in your mid 30s? It's very normal and natural to want to be married. There are people who get divorced later in life and they are fine being single but you, I don't believe, are at that point. I mean, you are wearing a pretend engagement ring you gave yourself. Think about that.

 

About the ring, I would so not do that. Ignoring your past with this guy, you never rush a guy into marriage or make him feel pressured like that. With the exception of the guy who likes the woman to propose and take the lead, you want the guy to make these decisions. Even if he does propose, that's not the way you want it.

 

Do you want more children?

[BTDT2012]

Plus my boyfriend said he feels that people would kind of joke if we were to get married in a "I wonder how long this one will last" kind of way. And he does not really want to set a time clock on our demise by getting married. I kind of feel that way too- like marriage is one step from divorce. Not getting married means you'll never get divorced.

 

 

He wants to be able to walk away when and if he gets ready to. The convenience of a wife without the obligation. You will work your hardest to keep him happy, because nothing legal ties him to you. From what you have written, I think deep down you really want to be married, and you are trying to convince your self that what you have is enough.

[Maddieandtae]

Try and remember that your life "story" is still happening...who knows if the relationship will work or not. Being married doesn't make the relationship one step closer to divorce just as not being married make the relationship easier to leave!

 

The added factor of having been affair partners will come up throughout your relationship and it's a tough factor to have present. I left my marriage for the ex affair partner, I was with him for ten years and no amount of shaving my legs and keeping a clean house was going to make a healthy relationship.

 

I was never my best during those years, the deceit I participated in tainted that relationship. It wasn't until we finally broke up that I finally started to begin self reflection. I have been single for two years and this is the best I've been in many years! I'm still learning and I hope you take the time for yourself to really learn what you really need.

 

I remember saying after my divorce that I wasn't marriage minded but still I had a ring on my finger. Really what I was saying was that I wasn't committed minded but I liked the sparkly ring on my finger ?

[Pretty Dahlia]

So it sounds like I want to get married?! That’s a surprise to me. I’m really on the fence. I wear the ring to eliminate a lot of questions and judgment.

 

I was without a ring for well over a year, and I got tired of all the crap. Men thinking I’m available. Women thinking I can’t get a guy to commit. Women seeing me holding my young daughter’s hand with no ring. Now I‘m an out of wedlock mom. Poor divorce’. Without a ring, people judge and ask plenty of questions because they can’t figure out that you are in a serious and committed relationship- “but when are you going to get married?” they ask.

 

I don’t know if I want to marry.

 

So I wear a diamond ring. Everyone assumes I’m married. No more of those questions.

 

For my friends and co-workers that I’m friendly with: I told them it’s my divorce ring. I bought it, it’s exactly what I want. And now my boyfriend has a pretty big bar if he wants me to replace this with a ring from him! They like the idea. Or so they tell me to my face. It’s not for them though. It’s for me. Just because I’m not married, doesn’t mean I can’t have expensive jewelry. If I can afford it, I don’t see why I should wait around for a man to give me all my nice jewelry.

Edited July 17, 2018 by Pretty Dahlia

[brigit87]

So it sounds like I want to get married?! That’s a surprise to me. I’m really on the fence. I wear the ring to eliminate a lot of questions and judgment.

 

I was without a ring for well over a year, and I got tired of all the crap. Men thinking I’m available. Women thinking I can’t get a guy to commit. Women seeing me holding my young daughter’s hand with no ring. Now I‘m an out of wedlock mom. Poor divorce’. Without a ring, people judge and ask plenty of questions because they can’t figure out that you are in a serious and committed relationship- “but when are you going to get married?” they ask.

 

I don’t know if I want to marry.

 

So I wear a diamond ring. Everyone assumes I’m married. No more of those questions.

 

For my friends and co-workers that I’m friendly with: I told them it’s my divorce ring. I bought it, it’s exactly what I want. And now my boyfriend has a pretty big bar if he wants me to replace this with a ring from him! They like the idea. Or so they tell me to my face. It’s not for them though. It’s for me. Just because I’m not married, doesn’t mean I can’t have expensive jewelry. If I can afford it, I don’t see why I should wait around for a man to give me all my nice jewelry.

 

 

This is the best post I read all day.

[somanymistakes]

Some people are VERY pushy about shoving their interpretations of events onto others and judging everyone as negatively as possible. Don't worry about it.

 

I don't know if I want to marry either. I'd like to have the fancy party with friends and relatives, sure. And I appreciate the romance of it. But I don't really approve of the way society tries to force people into one 'right' way of doing things.

[norudder]

Ive thought that if I developed a relationship with someone we both felt committed to for the long term, I would probably want to have a commitment ceremony/celebration with close loved ones and yes to wear a ring to symbolize that. (Wouldn't even expect it to be expensive or fancy, not the point). I don't necessarily need a license from the courthouse to legalize it. Isn't that how weddings used to be anyway? The promise is a matter of integrity, not obligation.

 

I wouldn't just unceremoniously slip one on though some random day. I get your spin on it though. I bought myself a right hand divorce ring for my fresh start commitment to myself and my daughters and our future.

 

Anything wanting to formally legalize (health decisions etc) could be handled separate instead of using marriage as a catch all. To me, they don't have to be one in the same.

[brigit87]

Some people are VERY pushy about shoving their interpretations of events onto others and judging everyone as negatively as possible. Don't worry about it.

 

I don't know if I want to marry either. I'd like to have the fancy party with friends and relatives, sure. And I appreciate the romance of it. But I don't really approve of the way society tries to force people into one 'right' way of doing things.

 

The wedding is all about the dress anyway. Go out, buy an expensive white dress and take pictures in it.

[Pretty Dahlia]

I guess there are lots of ways to look at marriage and relationships. I think the most important part is: is the relationship healthy for you? Does it add value to your life?

 

 

So many affairs are unhealthy, and suck positivity out of you. That is why it is not recommended. Just all the lies, deceit and phoniness of it is so negative and draining.

 

 

So boyfriend and I are now a real couple. Our relationship is no longer damaging to others or ourselves. It is healthy for me.

 

 

Some people marry for healthy reasons, to have kids, buy a house, take the next step in their life development.

 

 

Many people can use a marriage to fix problems, or solve problems, or provide security. But for me, I don't see the act of getting or being married doing that for a relationship. Getting married can hide problems by being a distraction. But after the celebration and newness wears off, you have the same relationship that you had before. It's about the intentions and focus of the people in the relationship.

 

 

Boyfriend and I currently have no problems. Theoretically, we could get married and we would still have no problems. But I do not want to rush through this great phase in our relationship to get to the "next step" and expect that next step to be even better.