Husband forces himself on me

[Thetechmom]

I've been married for almost five years now and early on in my marriage, everything was great.

In the past three years, my husband has gotten much more aggressive, especially when it comes to sex.

One night, he asked me if I wanted to have sex and I told him no. He persisted to ask, badger me about it. Every time I say no, he guilts me into saying yes. It's horrible when it's like that.

Then, he started getting a little more forceful. I told him no one night and I was pinned down. I told him that I did not want to have sex, but he didn't listen. I wasnt able to get him to listen, nor was I able to escape him pinning me down. I couldn't even look at him without remembering his face, the looks he gave me. After a few days, I told him what that did to me, what he had done. He just said, "I guess I got carried away because I wanted sex."

I forgave him, thinking of he was truly sorry, it would never happen again.

Months later, I woke up several times from a deep sleep and hes trying to have sex with me.

Since then, he complains that we rarely have sex. When I do give in, I've been made to feel so horrible that I just give in to avoid being berated.

Recently, he tried making out with me and started to move it toward sex. I told him that I did not want it. He just kept telling me, "Just let me have my fun." Hes used this phrase several times. It scared me when I heard it. My body froze. I tell him no and he just keeps going.

I'm afraid of intimacy.

I am not sure if this is a means of coerced consent or rape.

I have two small children and want to leave him. I have no family, no friends, nowhere to go, no transportation. I dont know what to do to get away.

[d0nnivain]

Learn about marital rape. If you think that fits what has happened to you, call the police & a divorce lawyer.

 

It sounds to me like he has a higher sex drive then you & you two are not compatible. No means no. It really is as simple as that.

 

However, in a long term relationship -- before he started with this forcing business which has you programed to shut down now -- there is something to be said for "doing your wifely duty." My EX & I used to have what we jokingly referred to as "cold pizza sex" on the theory that cold pizza is still pretty good. He'd ask for sex. I'd say no. He'd ask again & I'd give in with the idea that I was just going to kind of lay there & let him because I wasn't in the mood. More often then not, I'd get into anyway, despite my initial reluctance & a good time would be had by all. Even when I was a dead fish, he still got a release & all was well. Sometimes I would say no I can't even do cold pizza sex now & he respected that.

 

Unfortunately because you did not adopt that philosophy early on & your guy got inappropriately aggressive about the whole thing now sex is just a big negative. Absent really intense marriage counseling I doubt you will ever be able to fix it. I do think he didn't start out as a marital rapist; I think things devolved to that level because he was so passionate about wanting to make love to you but you continually rejected him that his brain & conscience took a wrong turn & now we've entered into abusive criminal territory.

[stillafool]

I'm sorry that happened to you. You do not want sex with your husband and he is sexually starved. How long do you think you can go on living like this? You do not desire him and probably should be thinking about divorce.

[bathtub-row]

I would leave this man and never look back.

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm afraid of intimacy.

 

That’s not what you’re experiencing. Intimacy is affirming - and consensual.

 

I’d think, at the very least, you need to separate. If you’re going to work on your marriage, do so from a safe distance...

 

Mr. Lucky

[grays]

Learn about marital rape. If you think that fits what has happened to you, call the police & a divorce lawyer.

 

It sounds to me like he has a higher sex drive then you & you two are not compatible. No means no. It really is as simple as that.

 

However, in a long term relationship -- before he started with this forcing business which has you programed to shut down now -- there is something to be said for "doing your wifely duty." My EX & I used to have what we jokingly referred to as "cold pizza sex" on the theory that cold pizza is still pretty good. He'd ask for sex. I'd say no. He'd ask again & I'd give in with the idea that I was just going to kind of lay there & let him because I wasn't in the mood. More often then not, I'd get into anyway, despite my initial reluctance & a good time would be had by all. Even when I was a dead fish, he still got a release & all was well. Sometimes I would say no I can't even do cold pizza sex now & he respected that.

 

Unfortunately because you did not adopt that philosophy early on & your guy got inappropriately aggressive about the whole thing now sex is just a big negative. Absent really intense marriage counseling I doubt you will ever be able to fix it. I do think he didn't start out as a marital rapist; I think things devolved to that level because he was so passionate about wanting to make love to you but you continually rejected him that his brain & conscience took a wrong turn & now we've entered into abusive criminal territory.

 

I think there is a lot of truth to what you're saying. I did something similar in my marriage. The rule I had for myself was sex at least once a week even if I wasn't so excited. I was afraid that we'd become estranged otherwise. And there was a ten year period where I didn't ever actually want to have sex with him, but I did, every week. Then, a year and a half before I found out about the OW, he all the sudden started having sex with me like a normal partner. And I ate it right up, thought it was the best thing ever, totally on cloud nine. But it turned out that the only reason we were finally having good sex was because he wanted to learn how so he could have some confidence going into his relationship with her. The cold pizza thing only works if the relationship is relatively healthy to begin with.

 

I say this because your post makes it sound like OP is partly to blame for this mess. But she may not be. It might be that however he was acting before he started getting rapey made "doing her wifely duty" impossible or nearly so. And even if she is partly to blame, it would only be for contributing to the breakdown of their sexual relationship. She did nothing to make it ok for him to rape her.

 

I completely agree, though, that the relationship is beyond repair.

[darkmoon]

you have two children, so your sex life must have been ok at one time

 

 

 

what went bad that stayed bad between you?

[JuneL]

So for those 10 years of “cold pizza” period, why did you not want to have sex with your then husband?

 

I think there is a lot of truth to what you're saying. I did something similar in my marriage. The rule I had for myself was sex at least once a week even if I wasn't so excited. I was afraid that we'd become estranged otherwise. And there was a ten year period where I didn't ever actually want to have sex with him, but I did, every week. Then, a year and a half before I found out about the OW, he all the sudden started having sex with me like a normal partner. And I ate it right up, thought it was the best thing ever, totally on cloud nine. But it turned out that the only reason we were finally having good sex was because he wanted to learn how so he could have some confidence going into his relationship with her. The cold pizza thing only works if the relationship is relatively healthy to begin with.

 

I say this because your post makes it sound like OP is partly to blame for this mess. But she may not be. It might be that however he was acting before he started getting rapey made "doing her wifely duty" impossible or nearly so. And even if she is partly to blame, it would only be for contributing to the breakdown of their sexual relationship. She did nothing to make it ok for him to rape her.

 

I completely agree, though, that the relationship is beyond repair.

[d0nnivain]

She did nothing to make it ok for him to rape her.

 

I never said it did.

 

However, there is something about the post that makes me wonder if it's really marital rape vs. a husband who wants to make love with his wife who wants nothing to do with a physical relationship.

 

If it's rape she needs to call the cops. If it's something else, she either needs to figure out her own views on sex OR get a divorce, maybe both.

[preraph]

Remember, rapists don't just want sex. They want rape. "Let me have my fun." He doesn't care if you're passed out cold. You need to get away from this guy before he does this to a teenage daughter's friend. He's raping you. You can make a police report so the next woman might know what she's getting into. Get an attorney before you do anything, though. This is unforgivable. He has zero respect for you or what you want or women in general to do this.

[Maddieandtae]

It is NEVER ok for a person to force themselves sexually on another. I hope the OP seeks real professional help... because some of what I just read is just brutal...

[anika99]

Learn about marital rape. If you think that fits what has happened to you, call the police & a divorce lawyer.

 

It sounds to me like he has a higher sex drive then you & you two are not compatible. No means no. It really is as simple as that.

 

However, in a long term relationship -- before he started with this forcing business which has you programed to shut down now -- there is something to be said for "doing your wifely duty." My EX & I used to have what we jokingly referred to as "cold pizza sex" on the theory that cold pizza is still pretty good. He'd ask for sex. I'd say no. He'd ask again & I'd give in with the idea that I was just going to kind of lay there & let him because I wasn't in the mood. More often then not, I'd get into anyway, despite my initial reluctance & a good time would be had by all. Even when I was a dead fish, he still got a release & all was well. Sometimes I would say no I can't even do cold pizza sex now & he respected that.

 

Unfortunately because you did not adopt that philosophy early on & your guy got inappropriately aggressive about the whole thing now sex is just a big negative. Absent really intense marriage counseling I doubt you will ever be able to fix it. I do think he didn't start out as a marital rapist; I think things devolved to that level because he was so passionate about wanting to make love to you but you continually rejected him that his brain & conscience took a wrong turn & now we've entered into abusive criminal territory.

 

This post makes it sound like the OP turned her husband into a rapist. There have been tons of male posters on these boards complaining that their wives don't give them enough sex but they didn't resort to rape.

 

Besides we have no idea what happened first. You assume that this guy turned into a rapist because of her rejections but maybe (and more likely) she started to reject him more often because of the way he treated her. Sounds like she could NEVER refuse without him turning it into a big drama where he would just continually badger and guilt her until she relented.

 

I too believe that it's okay to have sex our partner even if we don't feel like it just out of love for significant other but there are rare occasions where I simply do not want to have sex and I expect my partner to take no for an answer and not start badgering and laying a guilt trip on me. I have never had a partner act that way and if someone treated me like that I would surely lose any sexual interest I ever had in them. There is no reasonable excuse for this husband's behaviour. Lack of sex doesn't turn normal healthy men into rapists.

 

OP your husband raped you. At the very least get counselling for yourself and then you might be better equipped to make a decision regarding reporting it to the police and divorce.

[anika99]

I never said it did.

 

However, there is something about the post that makes me wonder if it's really marital rape vs. a husband who wants to make love with his wife who wants nothing to do with a physical relationship.

 

If it's rape she needs to call the cops. If it's something else, she either needs to figure out her own views on sex OR get a divorce, maybe both.

 

When someone holds another person down and forces that person to have sex it is rape. The dynamics of the relationship have no bearing on this. Forced sex is rape, period. There is no "if it's rape". He pinned her down and forced her to have sex against her will. That is the definition of rape. What is your definition of rape?

[preraph]

D0nnivain is speaking from some personal experience and just trying to get enough info to see if what she experienced correlates with this poster. Sometimes it's true that dynamics develop over time because of the passivity of one of the partners, not putting a firm boundary up early on, and then escalate.

 

But I still think he's crossed the line. That might be how it started, but he has now gone too far. I don't see how you come back from that lack of respect if you're her, that disregard for her.

[d0nnivain]

. Every time I say no, he guilts me into saying yes. It's horrible when it's like that.

 

When I do give in, I've been made to feel so horrible that I just give in to avoid being berated.

 

I'm afraid of intimacy.

 

I am not sure if this is a means of coerced consent or rape.

 

When someone holds another person down and forces that person to have sex it is rape. The dynamics of the relationship have no bearing on this. Forced sex is rape, period. There is no "if it's rape". He pinned her down and forced her to have sex against her will. That is the definition of rape. What is your definition of rape?

 

Yes pinning somebody down against their will is rape. However, that was one time. Granted it's one time too many.

 

But you need to read the other phrases the OP used. See above. Since she's talking about reluctant consent based on info from her side only on a message board I am not about to classify her husband as a rapist without asking more questions. She also admits she has a problem with intimacy. She doesn't state if it was always that way or if she developed it after he got more forceful which changes the dynamic too.

 

There is a huge difference between a husband begging to the point of badgering until his wife gives in & physically restraining another person against their will. IMO since the OP equivocates it's always good to look at both sides.

 

If he did rape her then she needs to call the cops & divorce him which is what I said. However if he didn't rape her she probably still needs to get away from him because they are not compatible but that doesn't necessarily make him a criminal.

[grays]

So for those 10 years of “cold pizza” period, why did you not want to have sex with your then husband?

 

Sex with him was often emotionally unpleasant during the first 13 years, but during year 13 he started saying that the only way he could possibly be turned on was if I gave him a 45 minute handjob. If it were true, that that was the only way he could have gratifying sex, I probably coulda worked with it. But, for the handjob to have the desired effect, he had to lie still on his back staring at the ceiling ignoring me. I would always feel like I was being used like a sex toy. He wouldn't even look at me. I could have been anyone. Then after the handjob he'd climb on top of me for 2 minutes and then go down. But I felt like he was just doing that because he had to check the box.

[BaileyB]

I would go to the police and charge him with sexual assault. Husband, or not - what he has done to you is sexual assault.

 

But, before you do that... If you can, have a plan. Take some money out of the bank, pack your children's clothing, and go to the police with your children when he goes to work.

 

If you need to - call 911. The police will help you to file charges and provide transportation to a safe place, possibly a women's shelter.

 

If you need more information, call a domestic abuse hotline or go to a women's shelter. They have support, education, and counselling available for women who need it.

 

You do not need to stay with a man who hurts you! I pray that you are able to get out. Good luck to you.

Edited July 14, 2018 by BaileyB

[LilithD]

I have been in this situation with my first nusband. We were married for six years. We moved to Ohio for a couple of years. When we moved back home to Indiana is when all the frightening problems started.

 

Going out with whoever, and coming home drunk, and forcing me to have sex with him. I was terrified of him. He came in one night, woke me up to look at the snow. I told him to leave me alone. He pulled out of bed, threw me up against the wall. and said, "I told you to look at the snow!" So, yes I understand what abuse is all about. It's about domination and control.

 

But what you need to ask yourself is, Do you love your husband? Are you willing to sit down and discuss what's going on between you? If you still care for him in anyway, please talk about these unacceptable acts he's committing against you whenever there is an opportunity to do so. Or you are going to have to leave him before he seriously injures you or worse.

[bathtub-row]

I don't think it's relevant as to whether you love this man or not. He's very twisted about sex, makes you feel like nobody, he's controlling and sick, and none of those things are going to be fixed. I've seen people spend years of their lives hoping someone will change. I can save you the suspense. People like this don't change but they will, without fail, waste years and years of your life and break your spirit while they're at it.

[BaileyB]

I don't think it's relevant as to whether you love this man or not. He's very twisted about sex, makes you feel like nobody, he's controlling and sick, and none of those things are going to be fixed. I've seen people spend years of their lives hoping someone will change. I can save you the suspense. People like this don't change but they will, without fail, waste years and years of your life and break your spirit while they're at it.

 

This. Don’t waste time and put yourself and/or your children at risk trying to reason with a man who rapes you. Love doesn’t matter anymore. Whether you love him or not is irrelevant, what he has done is a criminal offence. There should be zero tolerance for this kind of behaviour. He doesn’t get a second chance...

[Garlend]

I strongly suggest the OP remove herself from this unpleasant and increasingly volatile relationship as soon as possible before LE does get involved in another domestic violence situation, which they do not like to do, because of the unpredictable behavior of those they contact. And I don't blame them one bit.

 

The husband is obviously experiencing some kind of psychological crisis that seems to be making him feel the need to forcefully control those he should be treating with TLC. This is definitely not good.

[Els]

Yes, this is rape, and you should be reporting it and leaving him. I don't give a **** how many times you turned him down - it doesn't matter if you haven't had sex for 10 YEARS, that only justifies him leaving you, not raping you.

 

 

 

You probably do need to work on a healthier mindset regarding sex, but not with this guy. This guy needs to go - if you can't do it for yourself, you need to do it for the children. Can you imagine your child seeing that happen? Can you imagine the effect it will have on their future relationships?

[No_Go]

1) Are you having low sex drive in general or you just don't desire him

 

2) Were your libidos mismatched from the start?

 

If any of the 2 is yes, I don't think your marriage can survive, unless maybe if you're open to an 'open marriage' where he meets his sexual needs elsewhere.

 

In any case, he's disrespectful towards you big time. You need to put a full stop on it. I'm not going to get into rape definitions because I believe these are grossly overdone in our current society, BUT he is just acting like a disrespectful spoiled child and if I were you, I'll just send him to jerk off elsewhere .

 

Gosh it reminds me my ex that wanted sex with me when I was puking because I had food poisoning but he told me he wasn't bothered. I was okay having sex with him then but thinking back, it showed how little he respected my well being and prioritized his own interest. Just like your husband

 

I've been married for almost five years now and early on in my marriage, everything was great.

In the past three years, my husband has gotten much more aggressive, especially when it comes to sex.

One night, he asked me if I wanted to have sex and I told him no. He persisted to ask, badger me about it. Every time I say no, he guilts me into saying yes. It's horrible when it's like that.

Then, he started getting a little more forceful. I told him no one night and I was pinned down. I told him that I did not want to have sex, but he didn't listen. I wasnt able to get him to listen, nor was I able to escape him pinning me down. I couldn't even look at him without remembering his face, the looks he gave me. After a few days, I told him what that did to me, what he had done. He just said, "I guess I got carried away because I wanted sex."

I forgave him, thinking of he was truly sorry, it would never happen again.

Months later, I woke up several times from a deep sleep and hes trying to have sex with me.

Since then, he complains that we rarely have sex. When I do give in, I've been made to feel so horrible that I just give in to avoid being berated.

Recently, he tried making out with me and started to move it toward sex. I told him that I did not want it. He just kept telling me, "Just let me have my fun." Hes used this phrase several times. It scared me when I heard it. My body froze. I tell him no and he just keeps going.

I'm afraid of intimacy.

I am not sure if this is a means of coerced consent or rape.

I have two small children and want to leave him. I have no family, no friends, nowhere to go, no transportation. I dont know what to do to get away.

[major_merrick]

I wouldn't bother with the cops. They are useless, and just as likely to cause you harm. I've been a victim of police brutality and I have zero inclination toward any interaction with them. Plus, the idea of "marital rape" simply doesn't exist in some places, and in most other places it is difficult if not impossible to prove. Court will drag on forever...how many days of trial, depositions, etc... can you withstand? And to what benefit? Spare yourself that misery. If/when you act, trust yourself rather than the government.

 

If you feel threatened, then you have the option to leave or to physically defend yourself. If it isn't enough of a threat in your mind to do one action or the other, then find a way to make it better. The status quo is not acceptable...something has to change now.

 

To me, it sounds like a combination of things. For starters, to expect someone to remain faithful in a relationship without meeting their physical needs isn't right. I have no idea how long that was going on between you or for what reason, but I suspect that escalated the situation. That doesn't excuse his behavior, but it provides a starting point explanation for it. As serious as things seem, it is doubtful that the relationship can be fixed since it has escalated toward violence, but you can try counseling if he is willing. It takes two people to want to fix it, though...which is extremely rare at the stage your relationship is at.

[Haydn]

Blimey, interesting responses....

 

It`s rape.

 

Everything else does not matter.

 

Why she does not want sex, irrelevant.

 

What went wrong in the RS, irrelevant.

 

When a person does not want sex. It`s a full stop.

 

It`s rape.

 

Go to the police or find somewhere to go. Your kids don`t need this and you certainly don`t

 

Be careful and move forward.

Edited July 18, 2018 by Haydn