Coping lessons learned through relationships

[Ralph79]

I hope this post can provide a little peace of mind to those who are going through tough times dealing with being dumped.

 

I found an old text file of a long post I was drafting years ago for these forums, and it dawned on me that I hadn't posted anything in a while. I feel I owe some feedback on advice I got and learned on my own through my journey.

 

First off, I will give a brief background on how I got here.

 

I. A dysfunctional marriage, led me to this forum. In my eyes the circumstances that led to meeting my XW were nothing short of magical, when in fact they were mere coincidences. We met online, talked for a month, dated 4 months and got married. I romanticized every detail of our relationship and gushed over every quality and fault of hers, I felt completely "in love".

 

Fast Forward 5 years later and I was dumped. Looking back, it was inevitable. There was an age gap, a culture gap, a racial gap, an education gap. I will not say I was a better person than her, but I will say we weren't ready to appreciate what we brought into our marriage, and I wasn't ready to meet her halfway in being a little more open minded in our relationship.

 

II. It took me 2 years after divorcing to date again. I went out with a coworker that was also coming off a years long relationship herself. We asked each other about our past relationships and it didn't take long for me to realize that she wasn't ready to move on from her past relationship.

 

I know that I went into this relationship hoping to resolve the damage done by our past relationships together, trying to find common ground in our struggles, but she merely wanted to make the ex jealous. I was constantly berated for not living up to her expectations and after 6 months I decided to put an end to it. Going through a hellish marriage helped me be blunt and to the point with my coworker gf and I myself realized that perhaps I went into too much detail when asked about my Ex. I knew I needed a little more time to process my mistakes and my progress.

 

III. 6 months after that breakup I met my now current wife. Again it was a tumultuous relationship, but this time I had enough confidence in myself to send her packing when she betrayed my trust. I tried to go NC with her for nearly a year. She constantly came to my house crying for forgiveness and pleading for another chance. She literally waited until morning outside my door sleeping in the floor one time. I made her earn her chance at a 2nd shot and when we finally talked she swore she would not waste the opportunity I gave her.

 

We got married and a year later welcomed a beautiful baby girl. I am happily living day by day as it comes enjoying each moment that I can. My wife may not be the "Girl of my Dreams", but I learned that DreamGirls are just that, an illusion in your mind. Seeing my wife hold our baby girl has filled the void left by my past failures. I have no guarantees that this will last, so I am grateful for everyday I spend with my family. I know I have to be the best husband and father I can be but also demand the same from my partner.

 

What I learned through these past 10 years:

 

1) Being abandoned by a loved one is one of the most excruciating , painful, agonizing experience in my life.

 

2) The sense of despair when coping with loss only gets worse the more dependent you were to that person. If your only immediate goal in life was to make your partner happy, then a breakup will hit you like a ton of bricks. If you were working on personal and professional goals during your relationship, then you will be actively doing things that will aid you in taking your mind off your loss.

 

3) When dumped, we tend to think that every action our Ex makes (i.e.: Changing online profiles, uploading a picture to social media, leaving a cryptic message online, wearing or not wearing something differently) is 100% about us. This is not the case. We feel the need to find a meaning behind every action they take when in fact there is none most of the time.

 

4) We tend to either portray those that dumped us in a villainous light (at times deservedly so), or paint ourselves as completely unworthy of love for the sole reason of trying to make sense of a breakup. Unfortunately sometimes life makes no sense. The Beatles, who as a group created beautiful music and were renowned worldwide got tired of it all and broke up after 10 years, yet there are numerous 25+ year old "1 hit Wonder" bands touring still, go figure.

 

5) We know and are fully aware we obsess over our breakups. We read posts or articles that help us make sense of it all, only to wake up the next day needing more reassurance that our lives will one day be ok again. This is because time alone is not enough to help us overcome hardships, we have to do hard work and sacrifices in order to dig ourselves out of the holes we allowed ourselves to be put into. Work on your health, your body, a hobby, study, make an effort to socialize, in short make your life about YOU again. It'll happen on it's own in a matter of years, but if you work on it, you will get over your despair in a matter of months.

 

6) We regret our complaints that seem minor now that our relationship is over and think that if given a chance we would accept them as they are and never complain again ever. This is not true. You will tolerate unacceptable behavior for only so long before it becomes an issue again. It's Human nature. We can't allow ourselves to be anyone's floormat. Either You get fed up again and complain or they leave you because they don't respect you because you don't respect yourself.

 

7) We seek Closure, but we tend to believe it's something we achieve through one last phone call, one last question, one last email, one last kiss or one last goodbye. We simply wish to prolong what's left of a dysfunctional relationship by calling it closure when in fact only Time brings real closure.

 

These are some observations I cared to point out from my personal experience. As is the case with most things in life, these points don't apply to everyone the same way, it's just a simple generalization that I hope helps some of you posters understand that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I am grateful for this forum, for the support and advice I got when I had to pick up myself up years ago. You can do it too, but you have got to work hard and allow time to do its job.

[CDJ]

Very good post; particularly points to pick up on are:

 

Point 3) I think those hurt most by break-ups often become prima donas in their own tragedies, usually entirely self-perpetuating and self-inflicted, that creates a kind of narcissism (I was certainly guilty of that); but I think this comes with having an irrational mind brought upon by the emotions and trauma. We want to think their actions are about us because it makes us feel like they still care a bit, or that they at least cared before. I think one of the hardest parts of coping is accepting that they don't give a toss about you anymore, and probably didn't for some time before the break-up!

 

Point 4) I think it's very common for people to go back and forth between the two. In my case she was the 'villain' but I didn't want to accept that because I worried that it reflected badly on me as a person who had loved her and had been fooled/manipulated. Therefore, the 'lesser' pain was to convince myself that it had all been my fault, as it felt more manageable.

 

Point 5) Everyone says that you should get out there and keep busy, and it makes sense, but i think it's a catch 22 because your mental and emotional state makes it very hard to do it. I struggled to focus on my hobbies or even enjoy hook-ups because it was on my mind and weighing me down.

 

Point 7) Very good point. The truth is we likely will never get the opportunity to ask questions; and, even if we did, it's unlikely we will get truthful answers! Desperately seeking answers just throws up more questions along the way, and I don't think closure exists - we simply learn to accept and move on.

 

Other things I would add:

 

- Cut the social media! Absolutely critical. Delete numbers, block on Facebook, etc - anything that will allow you to check in on them. i tortured myself with this and it really set me back.

- Remove anything in your life that reminds you of them, not just sentimental things (I sold a PS4 that she had bought me and then used the money to buy one myself, as it helped sever her association with that particular object)

- The most important thing in a break-up is your dignity. As understandable and natural as it may be, don't let him/her see you upset, don't create drama, and don't plead with him/her for contact/closure - this just puts the power and control in their hands and makes you seem weak. My ex wanted me to be weak, emotional and apologetic as it justified her actions in her mind and played into her power trip.