Emotional Affair, Lies,Doubts,& What do I do?

[jonesgirly]

I found out about 6 weeks ago that my husband was having what amounts to an "emotional affair" with a female friend of his from work. Although they haven't worked together for about a year, their contact has continued. The boring stats on us:

 

We're both 44 years old, mutual second marriages. We've known each other since we were kids, and would be the proverbial "childhood sweethearts" if not for the big chunk of seperate lives we led in between now and then. We've been married for 3 years.

 

Here's what happened and how I found out:

 

We have an annual summer party in mid-July. My husband starts drinking like a crazy man (not normal), and then proceeds to flirt his a** off with this former co-worker (24 years old, 4 months pregnant by ex-boyfriend). Now, I don't mean "flirt" in the innocent way........more like 3rd degree flirting. Many of the guests wanted to know who his "girlfriend" was! He spent HOURS talking to her, and even led her up the side of our house to have a "private" conversation (I saw them walk up the driveway).

 

You may already think I'm an idiot. At the time, I thought nothing of it. I am not jealous by nature, nor did I have ANY suspicious thoughts about my husband. We've known each other since we were kids, and both knew we would someday be together. We trusted each other implicitly, and I mean ABSOLUTE trust. I had never, ever thought that he would even be attracted to another woman. He has always maintained a very respectable demeanor and would be the LAST person anyone would think would actually cheat on his wife. He has indicated that people who cheat on each other are fools.

 

Okay, so later that evening, he accuses ME of cheating on HIM with a co-worker of mine! Apparently, he had seen "John" on my incoming cellphone call list. He asked me about it, and I explained that "John" is the supervisor of one of the departments that I do indeed contact on a frequent basis. His name was on my call list exactly TWO times. I did think this was a little excessive in the reaction department. In response to his apparent assumptions about me and this "John", he proceeds to approach me while I was talking to a group of people (including John - who was at our party in search of "love" - he's only 30), and grabs me by the hand, pulls me into our house, and shoves me all over the place. He was eventually tackled by a couple of guys and subdued until I could get out of there and he could calm down. He has NEVER laid a finger on me, and in light of subsequent events, this is really not a concern of mine. Now also remember, he has spent most of his evening talking exclusively with this former co-worker "Jane". In addition, many (I mean about 15 or 20 people), observed him holding hands, and leaning in very, very close to this girl, in apparent private conversation.

 

The police are eventually called and respond in order to insure there is no "domestic violence" occurance, and we all (finally) are asleep.

 

Okay, so here's what I learn about "Jane" during the next few weeks:

 

He called her the night of the party (before she got there) - "I wanted to make sure she was coming"

 

He called her two nights after the party - "I just wanted to talk to someone and I didn't think anyone here would talk to me".

 

He called her three nights after the party - "I wanted to find out if she thought I was out of line - you kept going on and on about how my behavior was inappropriate and I wanted to find out". Of course she told him no.

 

I only found out about the above two calls to her after I asked him if he had talked to her since the party, and he had responded "No." For some strange reason, I said okay, "let me see your cellphone." When I opened it and looked at outgoing calls, the very last one was "Jane." I threw the phone at the wall, yelling that "you lied again!". His response was "you're overreacting again." LIE!

 

A week later, the cellphone bill is FINALLY available online, and here's what I discover - he's called her 59 TIMES in the last 10 months! During a couple of months during this period he called her 2,3 or 4 times a day!

 

Of course he said he had no idea he called her that much, and that he just talked to her and there was nothing physical. I believe that part, but what I don't like is the fact that he has lied so much about this whole mess that I can't really believe him about anything.

 

He says that he was indeed attracted to her physically at one point, but would never have actually "slept" with her. I don't know if I believe that - he pursued her with a passion as indicated by the number of calls to her during that time.

 

He says that he never talked about "us" or anything personal. Now I find that extremely hard to believe after he admitted that he called her a couple of days after our party in order to "talk to someone." I said to him that she must've been very surprised to hear you talk about personal issues if you had never spoken of them before!

 

I can't seem to get over this betrayal. He was attracted to another person, pursued her, but wouldn't sleep with her? He lied about the calls - NONE of them were from home or during any time other that at work and his drive home. The drive-home calls only lasted 30mins or less (thats how long it takes for him to get home!). He hid this relationship from me - never once mentioning his friendship or relationship with "Jane." If there's nothing to hide, why hide it? I just don't buy the innocence of all this. Of course he can't remember any of their conversations. Doesn't remember what he was talking to her about at the party, etc. I just don't buy it.

 

How do you rebuild trust when you don't believe him? I could drive myself crazy wondering about the details. I only do this because my husband is unwilling to come clean and really talk about this relationship. He will only say that "she wanted my opinion". Okay, so she looked up to you? And this was flattering, and you called her 59 times to say thank you? Plus, our cellphone bills don't detail incoming calls, so I have no idea how many of those were from her!

 

It must've been fairly mutual, because I doubt she would've spoken to him that much if it wasn't. But it feels like he's hiding this whole thing from me and I can't handle it.

 

Whatever shall I do now? Anyone with experience here?

[Merin]

While finding other people attractive is normal even when you're married acting upon that attraction is the deal breaker.

 

Your Husband has IMO behaved in suspicious, and obviously ugly manner regarding his abuse at your party... AND IME it is not unusual for a partner who has been unfaithful to accuse thier mate of cheating to distract or put the light on someone other than themself.

 

I suppose my response to your husband when he said he had called this other woman to see if he was out of line or behaved inappropriately would've been that it really doesn't matter if SHE thought he was out of line because YOU felt he was out of line and he is married to YOU not to her.

 

If your husband is still unwilling to discuss this matter, I would say your husband is STILL trying to hide this and minimize... the fact that he was pissed off over you speaking with John a total of 2 times vs the fact he has spoke with Jane over 59 times tells me he knows what he's doing isn't okay.

 

Honestly I would insist he stop this "Friendship" with Jane if he values the relationship he has with you.

 

Good Luck

[jonesgirly]

I have said those very words - when he acted on the attraction, pursuing this girl, thats when he betrayed my trust. I just don't know what to believe - I cannot live with a man who can lie to me so easily. I expected more from our relationship - that we could both be openly honest with each other. He has lied about everything, minimized everything, and basically disregarded MY feelings on all of this. To me, that signals GUILT, with a capital "G"'. But he is also unwilling to just talk with me. The conversations usually go from bad to worse when I point on discrepancies between what he says and actual events.

 

So tonight......I did a very bad thing, and tell me if you think I'm awful.

 

I guess they used to "text message" each other when they needed a call. So.....I sent a text message to HIS cellphone that said "call me". You can put a reply number in when you send it from the web, so of course I put HER cellphone number in. This was a couple of hours ago, and sad to say, he hasn't told me about it yet. Even though he swore up and down to me that if she called or contacted him in any way, he would tell me immediately.

He took his cellphone off his dresser and went outside with it (I had checked and the red light for text message was on it). And now he's in bed (its almost 11:00 pm). I guess I just needed to know if he would ever tell me the truth, especially at this time - when it was critically important to the survival of our relationship, and he knows it. He either called her and was informed that she hadn't text-messaged him (which he would be so busted then because the call will show up on the bill), or he deleted it without telling me. Either way, he didn't do what he swore to me he would. I'm leaning towards him calling her because he took his cellphone outside (he never does this, and it sat on his dresser all evening). I'll bet he's a little ticked if he realized the mess he got himself in But at the same time, I'm very sad because once again his actions have let me down. I can't stand it when he professes his innocence, his undying love and devotion to me, swears up and down he's told me everything (even though he can't remember anything), and then does something like this.

 

I guess I have my answers, what do you think?

[Merin]

I don't think you're horrible for doing what you did... he hasn't been willing to give you peace of mind, so yeah IMO you were looking for that on your own.

 

Personally if my BF told me he needed a call from some other Woman it had better be his damn Mom so I do feel you on that, especially him knowing how you feel about all of this.

 

Him going outside with his phone... uh... yeah. The only reason I can think that he would need some private time on his phone away from you his WIFE is to call this Girl and see what was up.

 

At this point regardless of what happened prior to you finding out what he's been up to IMO he is STILL being very disrespectful of your wishes and is still sneaking around, that isn't okay.

 

Blah...

 

If this were me, I think I would insist that if he really has nothing to hide and he isn't going to contact her any longer that he put his money where his mouth is and ask him to call her in your presence and let her know he won't be keeping in contact with her any longer... if he doesn't want to do it and refuses well then you've got some decisions to make.

 

Sorry you're going through this:(

[jonesgirly]

I DID have him call her in front of me about two weeks ago. I actually knew this girl from his work, and her and her boyfriend were at the last two years' summer parties. Neither one of them still works with my husband, but I guess he chose to stay in contact with her

I asked him to call her in front of me, with the story that I wanted to know her due date (remember she's 4mos pregnant by her ex-bf). He did, and it really didn't give me any clue as to his intentions, but I did notice that he kind of mumbled "my wife wanted to know" when he asked when the baby was due.

BUT GET THIS - he sent her a text message the next morning from work. He didn't tell me right away. I accidentally asked him about TM's from her about a week after, and he finally confessed that he sent her one (after I asked him, point-blank, twice!). He told me that it said "I have to fix my marriage." And her reply, according to him, was "well if your marriage is broken, then I guess you need to fix it." But OF COURSE he deleted the messages! I told him that he could've given ME a gift of honesty right then...........first by telling me right away that he had done it, and secondly by showing me the damn messages! But no, he just had to delete them. So really, I have no idea what kind of message he sent her, or what she sent him back. It could've been something like "sorry about the strange call last night - my wife made me do it" or whatever. I know that it sounds like I'm being paranoid, but it seems like I can't get any straight answers, or actual honesty when thats what I'm desperately seeking. I would've given a million bucks for him to have shown me the text-messages that were exchanged (the morning after his call "from home").

 

Maybe I'm just putting off the inevitable. Its entirely possible that I will be unable to recover from all of these breaches of my trust. I just keep looking for answers and get none. You're right that he seems sneaky and secretive - thats the exact feeling I get. It is so disappointing to have to face the truth in this situation. I love my husband and think he loves me too, but I really cannot live with a person that I do not trust. And I never ever thought I'd have these issues with him. How sad.

 

So any ideas on how to get answers? He's not easy to get "info" out of - I know he feels bad and he says he always seems to do the wrong thing. I do point out that he's a very intelligent man (he really is), and he should know right from wrong (as he's always stated that he does). I think its easier to be honest and take your chances with that, than to try and do "damage control."

[Merin]

See I guess I wonder why he would tell her that he needs to fix his marriage:confused: If she was just his casual friend, I don't see this...

 

Ugh...

 

Well if you want to put it all out there, then either tell him you're going to call her yourself, OR don't tell him and call her anyway.

 

Again, IMO if your husband had nothing to hide, he wouldn't be killing himself the way he seems to be in covering up.

 

IF you do choose to call her, I would advise you not to be ugly to her, but just tell her you need to know the truth and you don't feel you're getting it.

 

Hang in there...

[jonesgirly]

I said the exact thing! I believe his response what something like "I felt like that was the right thing to say" for something like "leaving no doubt" or something similar. His response to why would she care? was something like "I don't know why I did it, I just thought it was the right thing do" and "I'm sorry, it was wrong and I just keep doing the wrong thing." So I just want to punch him and say "Sorry, I just keep doing the wrong thing too!".

 

I could call her if I actually wanted to give her the benefit of being an "important person" to my husband. Yeah, I know, she obviously IS, but I just can't bring myself to do it. My daughter (she's 20) and her boyfriend said they would call her. No, I don't want to involve the family, but they were all at the party and witnessed his behavior (can you imagine the shame he must feel?). In fact, they even went over to the "happy couple" in an attempt to break it up several times! I've thought of having my daughter calling her and saying something like "SHE thinks that they were having an affair and wants to know the truth." I'm fairly certain she'd lie about it - by this time my husband has given her enough information about my not-to-happy feeling about them. And thats an entirely different problem of mine - why did he chose to include her in on our problems? I have a very difficult time with him sharing our issues with her (i.e, the text message that he needs to "fix" his marriage). Especially when they supposedly didn't share personal information!

 

I'm pretty sure I sound like an idiot at this point. I would just absolutely LOVE to know the TRUTH! I cannot stay with a dishonest, deceitful, betraying man.............but do not want to break up over a friendship that really was JUST a "close" friendship. He has said that he didn't tell me that he called her so frequently because he knew I'd be mad or upset. So I have asked, "so you just continued?" And of course, I get the standard "I know, I"m sorry, it was stupid", etc.

 

I absolutely hate the feeling that there is more to the story, but the one person I should be able to rely on for the answers cannot be trusted!

[Merin]

Don't be so hard on yourself... you're not acting like an idiot, you are hurt, angry and confused... anyone else in this place would feel the same way.

 

Is it possible your Husband is going through a mid life crisis?

 

Is counseling an option?

[veronese]

 

You may already think I'm an idiot. At the time, I thought nothing of it. I am not jealous by nature, nor did I have ANY suspicious thoughts about my husband. We've known each other since we were kids, and both knew we would someday be together. We trusted each other implicitly, and I mean ABSOLUTE trust. I had never, ever thought that he would even be attracted to another woman. He has always maintained a very respectable demeanor and would be the LAST person anyone would think would actually cheat on his wife. He has indicated that people who cheat on each other are fools.

 

 

Of course he said he had no idea he called her that much, and that he just talked to her and there was nothing physical. I believe that part, but what I don't like is the fact that he has lied so much about this whole mess that I can't really believe him about anything.

 

He says that he was indeed attracted to her physically at one point, but would never have actually "slept" with her. I don't know if I believe that - he pursued her with a passion as indicated by the number of calls to her during that time.

 

He says that he never talked about "us" or anything personal. Now I find that extremely hard to believe after he admitted that he called her a couple of days after our party in order to "talk to someone." I said to him that she must've been very surprised to hear you talk about personal issues if you had never spoken of them before!

 

I can't seem to get over this betrayal. He was attracted to another person, pursued her, but wouldn't sleep with her? He lied about the calls - NONE of them were from home or during any time other that at work and his drive home. The drive-home calls only lasted 30mins or less (thats how long it takes for him to get home!). He hid this relationship from me - never once mentioning his friendship or relationship with "Jane." If there's nothing to hide, why hide it? I just don't buy the innocence of all this. Of course he can't remember any of their conversations. Doesn't remember what he was talking to her about at the party, etc. I just don't buy it.

 

How do you rebuild trust when you don't believe him? I could drive myself crazy wondering about the details. I only do this because my husband is unwilling to come clean and really talk about this relationship. He will only say that "she wanted my opinion". Okay, so she looked up to you? And this was flattering, and you called her 59 times to say thank you? Plus, our cellphone bills don't detail incoming calls, so I have no idea how many of those were from her!

 

It must've been fairly mutual, because I doubt she would've spoken to him that much if it wasn't. But it feels like he's hiding this whole thing from me and I can't handle it.

 

Whatever shall I do now? Anyone with experience here?

 

when he acted on the attraction, pursuing this girl, thats when he betrayed my trust. I just don't know what to believe - I cannot live with a man who can lie to me so easily. I expected more from our relationship - that we could both be openly honest with each other. He has lied about everything, minimized everything, and basically disregarded MY feelings on all of this. To me, that signals GUILT, with a capital "G"'. But he is also unwilling to just talk with me. The conversations usually go from bad to worse when I point on discrepancies between what he says and actual events

 

 

First of all I'm sorry you are going through this crap, it's painful and confusing. Although our situations are by no means identical, much of what you wrote echoed my sentiments when I found out about my husband's 'secret friends'.

 

In the words of MrSpock, I think your husband is conducting a damage limitation exercise... pretend ignorance, be ambiguous, and admit nothing unless the evidence is presented before him. I doubt he will admit to more than you know, I suspect he will become irritated by your line of questioning fairly quickly.

 

My advice to you is if you want the whole truth you will have to keep digging, and digging, and digging! With very little information to work from I very gradually uncovered more and more information about the extent of his betrayal and details of the women concerned.

 

There is a chance it didn't become sexual, but I guess you will need to have your doubts satisfied, otherwise the obsessive urge to know everything can very quickly drive you insane.

 

There sadly seems to be an abundance of men and women who believe that providing their spouses remain oblivious to secret extramarital friendships then no-one is getting hurt. These distractions are not necessarily posing any threat to your marriage and are just exciting diversions during what can be fairly monotonous working days. When they don't become sexual and consist of flirtatious and suggestive interactions, spouses like my husband seem quite capable of conducting them without guilt or real concern, til they get found out that is!

 

It does eventually get better but it's a bumpy ride. My advice to you would be:

 

Don't make any decisions in haste or impulse. If he chooses to do so then that's up to him, but take as much time as you need to get your head round things.

 

Do be brave and confront any issues, questions or doubts head on. Don't be scared of his reaction to your less than rational behaviour. It is up to him to make amends and work hard to resolve things, don't be tempted to attribute blame or guilt on yourself. Don't apologise for your distress.

 

Allowing him the luxury to evade the issue or dismiss/resent your fears will only result in a huge pile of crap being shoved under the carpet, ready to trip you up at any moment.

 

What has happened is a nightmare, I totally emphathise with your sadness. The next few months will be challenging but console yourself in the knowledge that whatever the outcome, your life will have improved.

 

All the best and keep posting

 

V x

[Mz. Pixie]

If I were you I'd be concerned about this child belonging to your husband, and not to her ex boyfriend. There is no way for you to know for sure unless you do a DNA test so don't be in denial about that.

 

He hasn't called her three or four times a day for the last ten months for no reason. Plus, he totally didn't care what your family or friends thought and pursued her in front of you and the world- holding her hand and such. That is like a total slap in the face.

 

Often cheaters accuse their partners of cheating when they are actually doing it. They will lie until they can't lie anymore. I know, because I've cheated before. Not proud of it but there ya go.

 

Merin was suggesting that you make him call her in front of you and tell her that it's over that he has to work on his marriage, not to contact him. Don't tell him about it beforehand- just tell him to do it spur of the moment if he wants to save the marriage (he may warn her otherwise). From that moment on he has no privacy if he wants to save his marriage. Cell phone records will not be deleted, you will have all his passwords etc. He must attend marriage counseling.

 

That is, if you want to make it work. At the very least at this point I'd be thinking of doing a little PI work. Hire one or borrow a friends car and follow him etc. Also, check bank records for purchases at hotels, gift shops when you didn't get a gift, dinners you didn't go to- that means credit cards too.

 

If you don't want to make it work then gather all your info so you can have it for court. Also, it will feel good when you bust him with all of it and he can't deny it. I suggest not being alone with him when that happens, as he's already shown a tendency to be violent.

 

He's lying and cheating, probably already physical. Trust me- a cheater knows another cheater. I'm a REFORMED cheater but still, I've been there!

[sylviaguardian]

You asked if anyone has had a similar experience - I have. I have been through exactly the same thing. My husband's 'emotional affair' was uncovered when i discovered that he had been texting a woman at work. I began digging and kept digging. I found out they were texting each other all day. After more digging everything he told me kept changing - it started in 2004, then 2003..eventually I found out it started in 2001. I went through phone bills, bank statements, emails, documents, you name it.

 

Eventually I had uncovered so many lies that I told him the deal was off unless he fessed up. He admitted it was physical - she had been 'pleasuring' him at work! Even now I have no way of knowing if more happened.

 

I have heard all the same things you did - counter accusations, the inability to remember phone calls, vagueness. Don't be afraid not to buy it. Your gut instinct is telling you something is wrong here. Follow it. Check everything, get a P.I. if you can afford it. Does her boyfriend know? I would think about telling him.

 

Good luck,

Sylvia

[jonesgirly]

Okay, so I thought I'd update everyone on my chaos since I last posted.

 

I had said that I sent him a text message from "Her" last Thursday, giving HER phone number as the "sent from" (you can do that when you send text messages to a phone number from the web. I was upset because he didn't tell me that evening, and was in bed and asleep at 11:00 p.m.

 

Well, the next evening (Friday), we had yet another "long" talk. I again reiterated my need for his complete and total honesty. Of course, no confession there (about the TM). So I finally confronted him with his cellphone in hand, and it showed her number as an outgoing call from the previous evening. I was not very happy AT ALL that it appeared as though he had called her after receiving "my" TM from "HER" the previous evening. He kind of went bullistic - insisting that he did NOT call her, that he saw the number and thought that I had dialed it and set him up. Now don't get too excited here - I'm not that much of a fool. I told him he was crazy, and that he's lying, etc. There was a small part of me that thought he could've accidentally returned the call when he flipped open his phone - yeah, I know - but just keep reading. Its easy to do on our phones - there is a mailbox that shows up when you have a text message and when you flip them open it is very easy to hit the wrong button and call the "reply to" number.

 

HOWEVER, I am definitely in NO MOOD to be giving him the benefit of ANY doubt. So I continued to calmly state that he was lying to me and I was tired of it, all the while he's throwing papers from desk and shouting that he isn't lying and he didn't call her. I even said to him to "give me your phone" and proceeded to keep it. I had a plan, and here's what I did:

 

The next day (Saturday), he pulled his usual act when he's pissed off at me for some imagined crime - he will take off for an hour or two. Its never really been a big deal to me, although at this particular time in history he may want to rethink this activity. Anyway, I still had his cellphone, AND I was still sure that he had called her, so I did what I've wanted to do for a long time.......I text messaged his "friend". I totally recommend this to anyone out there that suspects their mates of "misbehavior." Here's the conversation, with ME attempting to sound as much like my husband as possible:

 

(Me/husband):did you get my tm?

(her reply) Just now.

(Me/husband): Things are ugly. I told XXXXX (step-daughter) I wouldn’t call you because she thinks we’re more than friends and she saw your number on outgoing calls

(her reply) Sorry

(Me/husband):I told her I didn’t even think I called u. I think it was Thursday and we didn’t even talk very long did we?

(her reply) I haven’t talked to u in weeks!

(Me/husband): thats what I said. i didn't think i called but your number was on outgoing. maybe she did that. XXX(Wife)l doesn't mind we're friends but XXXX (step-daughter) does

XXXX (Wife) is upset about the stuff i did that night to her. XXXX(step-daughter) and her friends think we're more than friends i'm so screwed

(her reply): well u were more drunk and more talkative than usual. I could c why they would think that. I don’t know what 2 tell u.

(her reply): probably because most young girls think differently. (Me/husband); she thinks i actually kissed you did I? and she saw me take you to the front of the house and she thinks i did something bad did i? I'm sorry if I did.

(her reply): No u didn’t. I would of kicked your ass if u did. U would have had 2 black eyes!

(Me/husband): Haha your funny. You couldn’t even reach to give me a black eye

I'm just glad i didn't do anything wrong. I'm glad XXX(Wife) knows were friends. I wish XXX(step-daughter) would understand. I'm pissed I was such a jerk to XXX(Wife).

(her reply): **** happens when people drink.

(Me/husband): bad ****. I'm not drinking next year! not as much. sorry for getting you shots when your pregnant too that was bad of me.

(her reply): Shut up my choice

 

So............this little exchange answered pretty much all of my questions, and put my mind to ease on a lot of issues. Hopefully with good reason, and you all will agree. There ARE however, still items that have indeed proven "emotional infidelity" and my husband has admitted these.

 

* He called her (frequently during a couple of months last Fall) without telling me about it, keeping it secret from me - BAD BAD BAD

 

* He was "attracted" to her at some point, but states he would never have acted on his attraction in a "physical" way. Okay...........I guess I'll just have to believe that for now. I'm not sure I buy it - why would he call her so many times during the day (pursuit) if not looking for SOMETHING? Just the fact that he did indeed act on his attraction is enough for me to feel like crap, and he seems to feel truly sorry for this. Not sure how to get over this one.

 

* His lies about the whole thing are just horrible for me, even though I did get clarification on quite a few things with the above text message. I also know that he has been very depressed lately, and has almost appeared to cry (he is not exactly a guy who shows emotion). In fact, a couple weeks ago we got "into it" one night and I ended up saying something like "why don't you just leave?" So, he packed a bag and was getting ready to leave when I asked him where he was going. He said that he didn't know, and that he wanted his oldest son to have all of his stuff. He was extremely distraught and could barely talk. So I kept talking to him and eventually we were sitting down talking again. I later looked into his duffle bag that he had packed - he had taken a few clothes, his mothers ashes (she was cremated), and a gun. I knew right then what he intended to do. In fact, he finally admitted to me this weekend that he was going to drive to california to spread his mothers ashes (he wanted to take care of them), and then would, well you know. I knew this was serious stuff, and knew he wasn't playing me either. I told him that if he ever felt like that again, or had made a decision that he felt that was the only choice, he had to share it with SOMEONE. No he's never been suicidal before, and I know he wasn't acting the part. He said that he thought the situation was so hopeless that he had lost me forever.

 

* His behavior at our party, with his "friend". I'm still quite upset about this, but feel better after the TM conversation above. I'm thinking that he really was suspicious of me with my co-worker "John", but only because of HIS behavior with "Jane" in the past! I AGAIN told him that if he truly suspected me of misbehavior with "John", he couldn't just act pissed-off and leave it at that. He must be honest with me and ask me questions until he's satisfied. I cannot know that he is suspected ME of something HE has done, so how would I know thats what he was getting at?

 

* His calls to her after the party and text-message the day after calling her in front of me are another sore spot. He apologized (again) for being "stupid", but I don't know. After reading her responses in the text-messsage conversation that he/me had with her, I tend to believe him.

 

I would like to HIGHLY RECOMMEND the text-messsage espionage I participated in. If you can compose like you think your husband would, and word your questions very carefully, a LOT of answers can be yours too!

 

I feel a lot of relief that he didn't try and make any moves on her the night of the part (that was big concern of mine). I also feel relieved by her response ("you'd have two black eyes if you did!").

 

So what do you all think...............................

 

p.s. Thanks in advance for posting before and now! Plus - I'm sure I've left out some answers I've gotten so be sure to ask!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[/b]

[LucreziaBorgia]

Are you sure he didn't clue her into what was going on and tell her that you have his phone?

[jonesgirly]

Ahh....I thought that too. But I made him take MY cellphone, under the guise that I couldn't even find HIS cellphone (after the previous nights' tantrum). Plus, I didn't wait too long after he left to begin conversing. I checked my cellphone later and there were no outgoing calls.

[veronese]

QUOTE=jonesgirly]

 

I would like to HIGHLY RECOMMEND the text-messsage espionage I participated in. If you can compose like you think your husband would, and word your questions very carefully, a LOT of answers can be yours too!

 

I feel a lot of relief that he didn't try and make any moves on her the night of the part (that was big concern of mine). I also feel relieved by her response ("you'd have two black eyes if you did!").

 

So what do you all think...............................

 

 

Honey, I don't want to burst your bubble but your relief is misplaced. From an outside point of view and as a wife whose husband had several secret female friends, I think you have enough here to deserve some answers...from him.

 

Your text to her posing as your husband came over to me as a wife posing as her husband. You answered most of your own questions. You laid out the whole story for her, all she had to do was agree.

 

You tried to lay a few traps, you fired a lot of questions at her. She said very little. Men, being the lazy breed they are, dont tend to put much effort into texting and seldom display their emotions so freely. Remember, how they talk to each other will be particular to only them....if that was really her replying to you then she knew full well it was you who was texting and not your husband.

 

Don't you think it strange that she didn't react more to this text supposedly from him? Surely she would have wondered what all the fuss was about? This interaction between you and her raises more questions than it answers.

 

You weren't supposed to find out Jonesgirly. He didn't talk about this woman's friendship because 'you wouldn't understand', and unsurprisingly, he was right.....what wife would understand? After all your husband is incapable of understanding why a male colleague should phone you twice on work-related matters, ask him if it would be ok for you to have a secret male friend too?

 

Don't be ashamed for your actions - betrayal has a habit of creating slightly crazy people out of us.

 

Don't apologise for anything you have done. If your husband hadn't lied about this woman you wouldn't be so confused. Your husband is presently treating you like YOU are the one with a problem. Well you're not, HE is. If he wants to keep you as his wife he'd better start doing whatever he can not to lose you. He's been having a juvenille fantasy which livened up his day and nurtured his fragile ego. He's Mr. Wonderful to little Miss Pregnant Knickers, she makes him feel important, desirable, young again.

 

Even if she is his only indiscretion you will face a tough journey to work things through but the chances are the more you dig the more you will find - so be prepared. He may not have been intimate with this woman, but obviously you need to know. Her pregnancy is slightly worrying too, could it be your husband's. Regardless, how he has behaved is a betrayal to you and hurts deeply.

 

Do whatever you feel you need to do, but try to exercise a degree of caution and sense. There will be times when you cant control your impulses and do things that are out of character and humiliating. It controls your every waking thought, drives you into obsessive behaviour. Remind yourself that you are doing these things purely because your husband hasn't explained the situation in any way you can comprehend fully. Until he does, you will seek out the answers for yourself, one way or another.

 

You are not being hysterical or irrational

 

You are not being unreasonable or possessive

 

You are insecure and confused

 

He needs to work through this with you if he wants your marriage to survive.

 

Confront him, challenge him, demand an explanation, talk and talk and talk

 

He is still lying to you (when you sent that text to him to call her and her number was logged in outgoing calls. It wasn't you who phoned her - it was him but he won't admit it - maybe you can check his bill to see how long the call lasted?)

 

By the way, when you texted her as him, what was your opening text? Was it the one you wrote first earlier? The one saying 'did you get my TM?' Or did you text something before that? Which TM were you referring to when you sent her 'did you get my TM?'. Just curious

 

I hope you're OK and bearing up under the circumstances. There's a few of us who've been where you are now and totally understand and emphathise with you.

 

We're here if you need us

 

V x

[jonesgirly]

Veronese - thanks for your insightful reply.

 

To your question about my opening text message - yes, it was "did you get my TM?" I was thinking that would be a good opening instead of "hi" because I don't know the nature of their "grammer". I thought sending that would be a good opening, almost as if she hadn't replied to his first tm and he was wondering why.

 

I really thought her responses to "him" seemed genuine. I especially appreciated the fact when she returned the "you'd have two black eyes" - he told me that he called her two nights after the party and told her what he had done to me. I didn't really believe him (its in my earlier novel - where he was pushing me around and some male guests had to subdue him - and he got a black eye). I didn't believe that he had told her what he had actually done, but he must've....otherwise she wouldn't have said he'd have TWO black eyes. I FULLY intend to check the cellphone bill to find out how long that call was. I count the days till its available online.

 

Her pregnancy isn't an issue for me - husband has actually had TWO vasectomies - the first one before his youngest son was born , the second right before we got married. I was seriously afraid to sit on the chair if he had been there before me

 

I am having a lot of issues now though. I feel as though she, "Jane", doesn't really have a crush or any sort of relationship-seeking behaviors towards my husband. Of course I don't exactly think she is a person full of integrity, she IS only 24, is pregnant by her boyfriend, and really seems like a "long-shot" for a match with a person like my husband. BUT...its my husbands' behavior that really upsets me.

 

He had a fairly close working relationship with this girl until she left the company last summer. They emailed and talked on the cellphone at work (not a lot, but some), and he told me that they met for coffee on two occasions after work for about 10 minutes. Of course, he remembered that he got home ON TIME, but can't remember anything about conversation, etc. He hid all of these things from me.

 

When she left the company last summer, he apparently "missed" her, and felt the need to call her 2, 3, and sometimes 4 times a day (during work days only of course)! This occurred during the months of August and September of last year (right about THIS time last year!). I know all this because of the cellphone bills I've printed. She had moved about an hour away from here, and he said she was homesick, and he enjoyed talking to her. Okay, fine, but he also admits an attraction to her at the same time, but says it was short-lived. Yeah, right - TWO MONTHS?????? My biggest problem with this is that he was attracted to another person (obviously) in a sexual way, had already formed a fairly close relationship with her, and he ACTED ON IT. He admits that he hid it from me (the calls) because he thought I'd be pi55ed. Well, yeah, I would've been......knowing that he was acting on an attraction is a tough thing to digest. I told him that when you're open and honest with another person/spouse, it really limits your ability to do things like this. It would've been really tough to continue acting on this attraction if he had discussed it with me and we were able to talk about appropriate boundries and feelings. I know that there are attractive people in the world, we see them every day! We just don't engage in a pursuit of them.

 

I have this sick-to-my-stomach feeling and have lost 15 lbs over the last six weeks. I can't help feeling like he was playing "team captain" and was choosing who he wanted on the team..............and I wasn't chosen - SHE was! He knew it wasn't the right thing to be doing, he knew I would've been mad if he told me, and he even admitted that he felt guilty at times for not telling me. However, he WAS able to go ahead and call her again! I've pointed out that he made a CHOICE at that time - he knew it was wrong and did it anyway. All he ever says is "I know, it was stupid, I'm sorry, it will NEVER happen again."

 

Okay, maybe it never WILL happen again. That just doesn't make me feel any better knowing it has ALREADY occured.

 

He did tell me of an email she had sent him last year (before she left their company) where she was complimenting him on his ability "to always say the right things", "easy to talk to", etc. He said that he sent an email back to her in order to set things straight where he stated that he was in no way willing to compromise his marriage. I don't really think this adds up - then why did he pursue her for two months after she left the company? Why didn't he tell me at THAT TIME - when he sent that email - that there was something making him uncomfortable? (thats kind of a rhetorical question - I know why - he KNEW it was wrong!).

 

So his "true" EA with this girl occured during the first half of last year (when they worked together), and continued for a couple months into the Fall (August and September when he was calling her 2,3,4 times a day). She reunited with her BF late last year which is why I think their calls cooled down to just a few each month. Then she turns up pregnant earlier this year, and ends up breaking up with her BF because he didn't want the baby.

Their calls continue to be just sporadic through the months - 1, 2 or 3/month, and sometimes none at all. **I know - they could've been emailing too, but he is definitely a phone-guy**

 

Fast forward to July of this year, and he is hell-bent on making sure she's at our party, dotes on her all evening, etc (see earlier novel again). And then because of his behavior and questioning by guests on "who was his girlfriend," HE GETS BUSTED!

 

He never would've told me about this relationship. I think he's pi55ed because he got caught, and I tell him so. He insists that he NEVER would have an affair of a "physical" nature because that is wrong. He insists that he did not see this as "cheating" because it wasn't about sex. Yes, I explain that it is much harder for me to comprehend his bonding on an emotional level with another person. Its difficult to handle the fact that he PURSUED this girl for two months. Especially when he insists that he would never have "slept" with her. I ask "then what were you pursuing?" Of course, I get the standard "I don't know - it was stupid."

 

I feel like I say the same things over and over. I feel almost obsessed with telling how hurt I am, and trying to get some sort of explanation from him that feels honest and freely offered. Nothing is that way - I have to bring it up, I have to ask questions, etc. I'm not afraid to be confrontational, and time has afforded me the ability to be less "emotional" when questioning him, which usually leads to a LOT better (and more difficult for him) questions.

 

I don't even know what I want to know - what did they talk about? Did she realize you were chasing after her? What ta hell was going through your mind when you would call her so much? What did you say? Why would you do this? Why would you deliberately do something that you know what NOT make me happy? How could you be so disrespectful of the person that you profess to love with all your heart?

 

I seriously need advice on what to let go of, and what I need to know in order to move on. Anything at all ..................

[Mz. Pixie]

Perhaps it is possible that he's into her and has been acting a fool over her and she's just being nice. Either that or he's doing something for her- giving her money or something that makes her want to not piss him off or keep him around. Does she need him as a reference for another job in the future?

 

I once had a boss who developed a crush on me after I quit where I worked. I had been friends with the man, and helped him through his divorce and it was simply a case of him grabbing on to someone who cared about him. He tried to pursue me, but I squashed it. Because we'd been friends I was never downright mean to him in any way- but he wasn't calling me 4 to 5 times a day. I would have been like WTF?

 

It just doesn't make sense.......

[jonesgirly]

Thanks for your reply, Ms. Pixie

 

It just doesn't make sense................

I know! I AM like WTF?

 

I do think that she "looks up" to him. He says that she even asked him to be a godparent to her future children (long before she was pregnant). I told him that I thought THAT would've been a good topic AND TIME to open a dialogue with ME about this relationship. He has said that she stated that he "is like a father" to her.

 

I don't know whether or not she had the same types of feelings for him, and frankly don't really care. I do care that he pursued her. I do care that he chose THAT relationship over ours. It bothers me that he brought her to our house (at the party) and practically smothered her the entire evening. Its also a bit of my pride thing - did she know that he was chasing after HER while he was supposed to be MY husband? I do know that she had said to him one time that she wouldn't call him at home because she "didn't want to get him in trouble". I told him that THAT was a VERY GOOD indication that you two knew EXACTLY what your were doing.

 

She did not work directly for him, but rather in a department that required information from him. He IS a helpful guy when he is asked to be. I think his ego was fed from her constant asking of questions, etc. He has said that he liked talking to her, and liked the fact that she asked his opinion. Thats just lame to me.

 

There is the possibility he's been stumbling around her like fool, crushing after her like its his job. He didn't provide money to her nor would she need him for anything else. I think he just fell for her, lied about it, pursued her, and now just wants to forget about it.

 

And here I am, wondering WTF?

[veronese]

Veronese - thanks for your insightful reply.

 

To your question about my opening text message - yes, it was "did you get my TM?" I was thinking that would be a good opening instead of "hi" because I don't know the nature of their "grammer". I thought sending that would be a good opening, almost as if she hadn't replied to his first tm and he was wondering why.

 

Maybe I'm mistaken but didn't YOU pretend to be HER and sent HIM a text saying "Call me" (which he then did according to his phone records but denies)

 

Then didn't YOU pretend to be HIM and sent HER a text saying "Did you get my tm?" to which SHE replied "Just now" - I may be stupid but I still can't see which TM you were referring to (while being your H) and which text she had received from him (you?) when she said "just now"

 

 

I really thought her responses to "him" seemed genuine.

 

Maybe so but I doubt very much that you somehow succeeded in fooling her with all those texts pretending to be him. You're still in shock that the man you love has lied, deceived and betrayed you like this, you can't believe he was capable of it, he's not quite as nice as you always believed. Point is hun it is highly improbable that you could mimick his style to this woman, no matter how cleverly you thought you phrased the texts.

 

 

...its my husbands' behavior that really upsets me.

 

Yes, because he risked his marriage to you and your love for him and behaved in a horrible, selfish way. He said one thing (criticized people you knew who had cheated on their spouses), while all the while enjoying an exciting, secret friendship with a woman he liked and found attractive. It was fun, he knew it was wrong, he didn't think you'd find out, he is dismissive of the seriousness of the whole situation because he was honorable enough not to F**K her - he probably thinks he's pretty bloody wonderful too and privately wonders why he didn't when he's getting so much grief without having had sex.

 

 

 

My biggest problem with this is that he was attracted to another person (obviously) in a sexual way, had already formed a fairly close relationship with her, and he ACTED ON IT. He admits that he hid it from me (the calls) because he thought I'd be pi55ed.

 

All three of my husband's friends chucked that at me when I asked them why he hadn't told me about them if they really were 'just friends' with him? Apparently it was my fault he hadn't told me, they all said "he knew I wouldn't understand". The general consensus seemed to be that I was so unreasonable about him and other women generally that he had no other option but to keep them all a secret from me. (for 11yrs, almost 4 yrs and 18 months no less!).

 

Bollocks Jonesgirly, he hid it because that's what made it so much fun. He hid it because he definitely wouldn't like you behaving the same way. He was behaving like an idiot but comparmentalized it very well, the absence of sex excused his behaviour in his mind.

 

maybe it never WILL happen again. That just doesn't make me feel any better knowing it has ALREADY occured.

 

I know what you mean, getting over the horrible facts takes time, quite a lot of time. You can't even begin to focus on tomorrow

 

 

He never would've told me about this relationship. I think he's pi55ed because he got caught, and I tell him so. He insists that he NEVER would have an affair of a "physical" nature because that is wrong. He insists that he did not see this as "cheating" because it wasn't about sex.

 

Basically he is pissed he got caught. He can insist all he likes that he would never have physical intimacy "because that is wrong" but that won't reassure you when he knew what he was doing was wrong too, why else did he hide it from you? They may not have actually had sex, but they did form a close bond with one another, supported one another, boosted each others' egos with flattery, compliments and praise, all the things I'm sure you would have loved to have been receiving from your husband instead. The attention he gave her should have been giving to you.

 

All of this will be deeply unpleasant for him to experience, his cover has been blown but he'll continue to manipulate the situation to his advantage. He's trying to gain your sympathy and concern even at a time like this when all he should be doing is focusing all his energies on you.

 

The leaving the house when he's had enough of the subject sadly illustrates yet again his emotional inadequacy and immaturity. I can appreciate him mentioning suicidal thoughts and taking his gun with him is hugely worrying for you, but you must realize JG that you cannot control his actions and he's already shown you how independent he can be. If he wanted to take his own life you would not be able to prevent that from happening.

 

Next time he's about to flounce out of the house in a hissy fit stay calm, cool and collected. Instead of comforting you he seems to believe it is he who needs comfort. His relationship with this woman could permanently damage, even destroy, his marriage to you yet even now he doesn't feel inclined to do whatever he can to hold on to it.

 

JG, isn't it odd that while you are the one who has been hurt and shocked by this news he persistently fails to show that he appreciates the enormity and severity of his situation now.

 

His off-the-cuff remarks about you "getting everything", and his exasperation at the ongoing questioning and suspicions are purely his attempts at maintaining control and the power in your marriage. His threats to leave are tests to remind you that it is HE who will decide to end it.

 

JG, I can only stress that now more than ever before you have to absorb this:

 

1. If he threatens to leave don't try to dissuade him but DO tell him that he should be sure he wants to because if he walks out of the door by doing so he will be chosing to end his marriage to you

 

2. If he mentions suicide express your concern and love for him but also tell him that although you don't want him to do that you also know that your wishes are probably irrelevant in his eyes so you accept that only he can make such a decision

 

3. Try to remember that right now it should be YOU who is considering whether to remain in your marriage and based on recent events it looks distinctly unappealing. HE needs to be persuading and convincing you that he is worth it and regardless of regularly disappointing you should also be displaying qualities you've not seen before, sides of his character that impress you. If he can't manage to be anything other than arrogant and unremorseful it would be unwise of you to stick your head in the sand and ignore the fact.

 

I know how much it hurts JG, believe me I do. Time he grew up and appreciated what he has with you. He comes over as a guy who has enjoyed having the upper hand in his marriage and whose wife loves him very much and would hate to lose him.

 

You didn't want to ever lose the man you thought he was.......and he's not that man.

 

I don't know whether you still hope to save your marriage or alternatively are beginning to feel it's not worth it. I decided to at least try to work through the nightmare but always felt that I could only take it day by day and in truth had serious reservations about bothering when I couldn't imagine my future anymore.

 

But I read whatever I could on the subject of affairs, all types, and also about rebuilding a marriage after them. Marriage builders is a good site for advice. If you're going try to get through this it's going take time and a lot of emotion. But you can't save it all on your own JG, no matter how hard you try.

 

Take care, keep posting, sorry to say things I know you won't want to hear.

 

Thinking of you

 

V x

[jonesgirly]

Veronese -

 

Yes, I did send him a tm to "call me" a couple of weeks ago to see if he would actually tell me if SHE messaged him. That was a seperate event from my text-messaging HER as if I were HIM.

 

When I sent her the TM (as HIM), I simply said "did you get my tm" as a way to open dialogue. I assumed her willingness to respond to him (yep, it was there), and the assumption that he would send her that message if she hadn't responded to an initial text message (that actually never existed). Just a way to "break the ice" and start text-messaging. Let me know if that does not clear up your questions, and let me say.........

 

GEEZ I APPRECIATE YOUR THOUGHTFUL REPLY!

 

I'm thankful to you for your time and the fact that you pretty much "GET" my position. You absolutely hit the nail on the head with every comment.

 

Pretty much is sucks to be me right now.

 

I've got decisions to make that I thought I'd never have to consider. It feels like such a compromise to stay and work on a relationship that isn't what you expected in the first place. Criminal Fraud charges come to mind.

 

I've taken a lot of your advice, and have tried to become a more calm and rational person. I know that if he throws another hissy fit, he will be history. I've already got the name of a local locksmith and they work 24 hours a day. Would'nt that be hilarious to call his bluff and have the locks changed in an hour?

 

I really have lost a lot of the caring I had towards this man. He has basically changed me from "his" loving, loyal wife, to a stranger. I cannot accept this behavior from him, or ANYONE for that matter. To be so inconsiderate of another persons feelings, to continue your behavior when you KNEW it was wrong, well......that is just tough to take. I think for my own sake I need to move on...........

 

I cannot help that he has so vividly displayed his emotional immaturity. That is his issue, not mine.

 

As I write this response, I can feel the difference from just a few days ago. I want to thank you, especially, for responding in such a straight-forward and no bu!!**** way. I think everyone needs to hear it, and accept it when they are ready. For me, the times is here (7 weeks since discovery). I'm sure his insensitive and cold-mannered responses to my emotions have contributed to my "tough" skin. I will not carry this forward in any of my other relationships (human). I will not assume ALL men and/or people could be so cold and hurtful.

 

I had hoped to save this marriage initially. But that was just it - "I" had hoped to save the marriage, not "we". I have never felt that he has put me or my "emotions" ahead of his own A$$. He's still mad he got caught, can't accept responsibility, and will deny it to his death. Of course, if "I" was to do anything even remotely close to this, I would be queen tramp of the planet! I wonder if I could use the excuse that I didn't have sex with another man and get away with it? Do you think it would be alright if I spent hours on cellphone calls to a man I worked with (and could talk to in person) all day long already? Oh, and then not even mention his name ever (as a friend?).

 

I really don't know what he's thinking, nor do I really care at this point. I've got a mission now, to basically save myself. I don't think that another person should make me feel less-than-worthy at any time. That is NOT a healthy relationship. I have loved him with all my heart, been a loyal and loving wife, and always showed concern for him as far as HIS needs were concerned (if I knew them). Apparently I could not have known that he needed a "girl" to make him happy. That is not my problem.

 

I sound bitter don't I? Really though, I"m not. I've just realized that if he isn't going to care of me (obvious), then I need to. Thats really what has made all the difference in the world to me. I wish I could've gotten here the second day after discovering his crap. I would've had a much easier time of it all.

 

 

Again, thanks for your thoughtful and insightful reply. Although we're half a world apart, I can tell your concern is genuine and I wish to send my gratitude to you.

[EndoftheRope]

All three of my husband's friends chucked that at me when I asked them why he hadn't told me about them if they really were 'just friends' with him? Apparently it was my fault he hadn't told me, they all said "he knew I wouldn't understand". The general consensus seemed to be that I was so unreasonable about him and other women generally that he had no other option but to keep them all a secret from me. (for 11yrs, almost 4 yrs and 18 months no less!).

 

Bollocks Jonesgirly, he hid it because that's what made it so much fun. He hid it because he definitely wouldn't like you behaving the same way. He was behaving like an idiot but comparmentalized it very well, the absence of sex excused his behaviour in his mind.

 

 

Bingo, bingo, bingo, and BINGO again! This is EXACTLY what I've been treated to now over two secret e-mail accounts, friendships with women he keeps secret, and visiting this 24 year old at her desk until she thinks it's his 'favorite thing!' (to give just the tip of the iceburg!)

 

I CAN NOT IMAGINE having as good a friend as my husband apprently has here, and never once having mentioned him to H. UNLESS I had something to hide. But that's my husband's answer: he HAS to lie and deceive because I'd get upset.

 

Uh... yeah. I would. Just like he'd get upset if I were chatting it up and trading favorite memories with some young stud H had never heard of! Maybe the answer is DON'T DO THINGS that would JUSTIFIABLY upset your spouse!

[GuySimple]

Jonesgirly, are you not concerned that he may find out what you did? It seems to me that maybe it was the OW who has put off his advances. I expect he does have feelings for her. Having said that, he did tell you the truth (mostly) and what you did was quite deceitful. So at this point you didn't trust him so you immitated him in a personal conversation. I expect if he finds out it will be difficult for him to trust you in the future. I wonder if your relationship is beter or worse than before you impersonated him in a TM? You may feel beter about his behaivor but how would he feel about yours?

[EndoftheRope]

GuySimple, what are the alternatives when one has conclusive proof that one's spouse is lying?

 

I personally have tried the straight forward let's-act-like-honorable-adults approach of just asking. It got me more lies. The only way most of us will ever know the truth is to do our own detective work.

 

To me, it's worth it. I ABSOLUTELY have a right to know the truth about something that is so vital to mine and my children's future security and well-being in the context of my marriage. If he doesn't like the steps I take to find the truth and protect myself and my children, then perhaps he should have joined me in the honorable-adults approach and confessed the truth.

[GuySimple]

Maybe I am naive but I think that impersonating someone to catch the other in a lie creates an additional level of distrust. So instead of one person not trusting another, both now distrust one another. How can that lead to a resolution of a problem?

 

If she believes that he is not telling the truth what does it matter that she proves it to him. She already feels it. That’s enough to start whatever protection she needs to do for her and her children. Maybe saying to him…I don’t trust you, you can deny it but I still don’t trust you, we need to deal with this and in the meantime because I don’t trust you I’m going to do whatever I need to protect me and my children. If after that he doesn’t want to fix anything or continues to deny it, F**k’em and move on. Catching someone in a lie does not make them a more honest person down the road; it makes them look at better ways to lie.

 

To me once the trust in a relationship is gone the rest is not far behind. I’m in a relationship now where I am questioning the trust of my wife. The trust that what she says she feels about me and what she really feels about me are two different things. She doesn’t tell me the truth about her feelings because of the way I react to the truth. So what I have to do is deal with that, not spend my energy trying to catch her in a lie. That does nothing for our relationship.

[jonesgirly]

I believe it is all in the INTENT............

 

When he was lying, hiding his "girlfriend", betraying my trust, etc., that is a whole different ballgame when it comes to trust. Do you really think HIS intent was to "figure out" what was going on in our relationship and how to fix it? Oh HELL NO!

When I was "impersonating" him in order to find out the TRUTH about whether or not he had lied to me, MY intent was to assess the damage HE had caused our relationship. He had already been caught in lies, why would I believe ANYTHING he told me? That doesn't mean I just pack my bags and hit the road because he lied, it means I need to gain my footing and figure out exactly what is going on. And THEN a decision can be made.

 

When in this type of situation, a person tends to question EVERYTHING they "think." I had thought he was a loyal husband, but obviously that was not true. Did I think he was lying? Of course! I also needed to learn the TRUTH.......and would use any means possible to obtain it. I believe I have the RIGHT to know EXACTLY what I would be getting myself into should I decide to stay in this marriage.