Emotional Affair, Lies,Doubts,& What do I do?

[GuySimple]

Now I read one of your other Threads on part 2 of your situation with this guy it would appear that your H is a bit unstable. Still, having read both of your posts I probably wouldn’t have bother wasting my time trying to prove what he was doing…sorry, but he’s not worth it. What I was getting at in my early comment was trying to deal with the situation with the goal of improving your relationship. I’m not sure you are in this type of situation.

 

Off this topic an on to your other. I had a neighbour who…well…took an early exit from life a few years ago. Unfortunately his goal was to get back as his wife as well. Not by harming her physically but by committing the selfish act in front of their house in their mini van. I am not sure what the laws are like in your area but if in some areas if you tell the police that he has threatened to harm himself they will deal with it in an appropriate way.

[jonesgirly]

Wow..what a creepy thing to do to someone. You're right in thinking that trust, both given and received, is necessary in a healthy relationship. So is respect. I wasn't sure there even WAS a relationship left for us to improve

I guess in order to actually DETERMINE whether or not I was wasting my time, I had to know the TRUTH. I still need all of the truth FROM HIM! I want to look at him and believe him, but his behavior says otherwise.

I plan to contact authorities in order to find out just exactly what I should do, and what they would do, if the situation arises again. That should help ease my mind a bit.

Thanks again for your comments, every angle is appreciated here!

[veronese]

Pretty much is sucks to be me right now.

I've got decisions to make that I thought I'd never have to consider.

 

I really have lost a lot of the caring I had towards this man. He has basically changed me from "his" loving, loyal wife, to a stranger. I cannot accept this behavior from him, or ANYONE for that matter. To be so inconsiderate of another persons feelings, to continue your behavior when you KNEW it was wrong, well......that is just tough to take. I think for my own sake I need to move on...........

 

 

It's still early days JG. It's only been 7 weeks or so. It feels like a lifetime to you but according to the experts it takes at least two years of hard graft and soul searching before a marriage begins to resemble something vaguely appealing again, and a year and half along the journey I can understand why.

 

Yes he's done wrong, yes he's betrayed you, but my guess is that wasn't necessarily his intention and he never imagined or wanted his friendship with this woman to hurt you like it has, because remember JG, you weren't supposed to find out.

 

Don't make any rash decisions about moving on hun, not until every last ounce of love has gone from your heart for him. I can't tell you how much I hated my H after I found out, the rollercoaster of emotions was hard to handle.

 

 

II want to thank you, especially, for responding in such a straight-forward and no bu!!**** way. I think everyone needs to hear it, and accept it when they are ready.

 

I had hoped to save this marriage initially. But that was just it - "I" had hoped to save the marriage, not "we". I have never felt that he has put me or my "emotions" ahead of his own A$$. He's still mad he got caught, can't accept responsibility, and will deny it to his death.

 

 

When I read your story it touched me, I related to your sadness. You and your H sound similiar to me and mine. Discovering such a shocking fact about my H certainly made me face reality, it allowed me to stop making allowances for him and recognise how selfish he was. I knew I didn't want my old marriage back but I mourned and grieved for what I had believed it to be and for a husband who had never really existed. I think that was the hardest thing of all, coming to terms with the finality of life as I knew it. I missed that world but knew I could never have it back.

 

 

Of course, if "I" was to do anything even remotely close to this, I would be queen tramp of the planet! I wonder if I could use the excuse that I didn't have sex with another man and get away with it? Do you think it would be alright if I spent hours on cellphone calls to a man I worked with (and could talk to in person) all day long already? Oh, and then not even mention his name ever (as a friend?).

 

No of course you couldn't have! What's good for the goose is NOT good for the gander!

 

 

I sound bitter don't I? Really though, I"m not. I've just realized that if he isn't going to care of me (obvious), then I need to. Thats really what has made all the difference in the world to me. I wish I could've gotten here the second day after discovering his crap. I would've had a much easier time of it all.

 

We cared so much about them while neglecting ourselves it's hardly surprising they sat back and enjoyed it like the 'king of the castle' that they were! You don't sound bitter, you sound hurt. But there is a danger for all BS's to go down the 'bitter, twisted' path if we're not careful and end up like one of the miserable old gits who only moan about how hard and unfair things have been for them.

 

I've come to realise that absolutely EVERYONE has problems and difficulties to overcome which although may seem small to someone else, maybe enormous to them. These things are sent to try us, we have to pick ourselves up, brush ourselves down, and carry on the best we can.

 

Again, thanks for your thoughtful and insightful reply. Although we're half a world apart, I can tell your concern is genuine and I wish to send my gratitude to you.

 

You're very welcome JG. My concern is genuine and I do hope my words will be of some help, however small, to you at this time.

 

I am still with my husband and I accept he has made mistakes and has his faults. I also am clear about what I will and won't tolerate within our marriage day to day and overall it's improving very slowly.

 

My first thread is at

(http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t43106)

and will show you that I truly understand where you are coming from. and also how compared to the basket case I was back you are doing pretty bloody well under the circumstances.

 

Stay strong JG, they're all a bunch of wankers!

 

Love v

[jonesgirly]

Wow veronese - its possible our husbands are seperated-at-birth twins !!!!!

 

I too see a LOT of similarities in our situations. The complete, blind trust that we both had in our husbands really stood out. That because of that trust, we were far more blind-sided than normal with their deceitful behavior. I know exactly what you meant when reading your beginning story. Very similar indeed.

 

Its great that we have this type of communication in our world. We can read posts from the beginning of a very personal and heartbreaking situation, follow the saga as it unfolds, and hear from that person again later and SEE that they do indeed survive this. Internet peer counseling has got to be the most personal, yet impersonal method of conveying your inner most feelings. I have found you to be a most eloquent, and articulate writer, veronese, conveying your feelings in a direct and most effective manner.

 

My husband also had a terrible childhood. Abusive father (VERY abusive), and an ineffective mother (unable to defend herself, let alone her child against the monster), has made me allow certain behaviors that I normally would not have. Those allowances are GONE now that he's chosen ME to disregard. Maybe if I had not given him a little "slack" all along, he would've realized that I would not put up with even the slightest of disrespect.

 

A lot of what I feel now is disrespect. When a person intentionally continues doing "something" that they know would hurt/pi55 off/anger their spouse, it becomes a matter of respect. I would never have even put myself in a position to behave as he did, let alone continue it if it happened once! I told him that he never needed to even "question" my loyalty to him, nor did I..........it was ALWAYS there - even when he wasn't "looking." Never, ever did I do anything that would make another person think that I would be less-than-loyal to my husband. And no one ever suspected my husband would do anything like that either, until the night of the party. My, what an eye-opener that was!

 

It sucks when you realize that some people will take your "feelings"' and abuse them. You wish that they would appreciate them, yet they are fully aware that they can conduct themselves in a manner that would be less-than-lovable, and freakin get away with it!

 

Thats not me anymore though.........and I can tell you its made a WORLD of difference in my household. I've decided that I can no longer deal with his insensitivity. I will no longer be hurt by his defensiveness and belittling remarks to me. I'm fairly certain he still doesn't believe that what he did was infidelity. We will have a serious talk, he'll admit he was wrong, guilty, etc., and then during another conversation, something absolutely contradictory will come up. Last night he was talking about how he dislikes that some of the men I work with will "hang around me", acting as if I am "theirs - and they could have" me. He then goes on to say that what "they think about YOU is WORSE than what I did." So I just look at him like "WTF are you saying", but I don't actually say it. Its just another example of how he minimizes what he's done, and doesn't really think its all that bad. This is something that will NEVER sit well with me.

 

He sounds like a very jealous and insecure person, which indeed he is. Which is why I have gone out of my way to make sure that I never do anything that would make him feel THAT way. I have never actually DONE anything! And the thing is, he knows it. I'm above-board on everything - I tell him all the things that the guys at work and I talk about, he knows me better than anyone. He was my best friend.

 

I think he now knows that I will, and what I won't, put up with in our relationship - FOR MY OWN SAKE. I will discontinue any conversations that start to get hurtful. When he gets into his defensive mode, when he gets into the "I didn't do anything wrong mode," etc., I just politely say, "okay, lets not talk anymore." And I really don't want to. I just want it to stop. I refuse to let this person make me feel that I am less than worthy of my OWN FEELINGS, that I matter any LESS than HE does, and that what I say isn't as important as what HE has to say. Maybe a certain level of understood respect is what these guys need!

 

I was glad to see that you are still with your husband. That gives me hope that it CAN work out. I also feel that I am fully capable of moving on without him, if necessary to save my own self. That is a great feeling.

 

I wish I had found this site the same day I found out that my happy, safe little world was gone. The people here are great. Especially when you find someone who is already light-years ahead of where you are now - it gives you hope that life really does go on........

 

 

 

They are all wankers indeed, V........too bad we love 'em anyway!

 

[Trimmer]

JG -

 

We're not all wankers all the time - just most of us, most of the time...

 

Actually, if you flip all the gender-specific words in your posting, it would resonate very much with my feelings. The unquestioning trust I gave, the blindsiding of the deceit, the minimizing of her actions by my WS...

 

And that disrespect you feel... I think it feels so bad to me because I realize there's a lack of empathy there that I didn't realize was so profound. If she let me know that she really tried to understand my anguish, it would be such a building block to start from, but the whole minimizing thing, just makes me think she doesn't care how I feel and that it's easier for her to wall herself off from me, and well, it just ended up minimizing the strength of whatever bond we had left.

 

Good luck...