giotto Posted July 13, 2018 Share Posted July 13, 2018 (edited) Hello, someone will remember me... we finally separated last week (but still living together). We were having sex once a month... she said she didn't want to have sex anymore with me, or anybody else... and she didn't want therapy. Sex is a bad place for her because I haunted her many years ago for wanting sex twice a month. I used to get angry. Not violent, just angry. I guessed I've ruined everything. It's difficult for me to understand because we have such different personalities. She offered a sexless marriage but I turned it down. She understood. Thank you for listening! G EDIT: this is my last thread... and wow! I forgot it ended up being locked! https://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/339717-wife-ocd-now-refusing-therapy Edited July 13, 2018 by giotto 1 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted July 13, 2018 Share Posted July 13, 2018 Ha, ha, I actually alerted moderation when first sighting a post from you this morning. I remember yours and JamesM's contributions to the sexless marriage threads over the years and often link them for new members who arrive with similar marital issues. Sorry to read things didn't resolve and you're now separating. Man, that's tough when the other marital parts are still viable. I'm going through that with a MW right now whose husband isn't interested in sex. I've also noticed he isn't interested in even embracing her or kissing her. She talked about separating this past weekend but I told her to exhaust all options prior to making that choice because IMO it's a slippery slope to divorce. I don't recall how long you've been married but they're closing in on 30 years. Keep us posted and welcome back! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
notbroken Posted July 13, 2018 Share Posted July 13, 2018 The end of any relationship is painful, both emotionally and physically. However, better days are definitely ahead. Avoid alcohol/drugs, take care of yourself, eat well, do nice things for yourself, and avoid rebound relationships. Don't get in a hurry to find someone else. You WILL end up with someone that wants you - both physically and emotionally. Wanting sex more than once a month was not unreasonable. Ironically, I suspect you both will go on to find more sex and love - and be much happier. Probably hard to see now, but you've been given another chance at life/happiness. Make the most of it. Best wishes. Link to post Share on other sites
Author giotto Posted July 13, 2018 Author Share Posted July 13, 2018 Ha, ha, I actually alerted moderation when first sighting a post from you this morning. I remember yours and JamesM's contributions to the sexless marriage threads over the years and often link them for new members who arrive with similar marital issues. Sorry to read things didn't resolve and you're now separating. Man, that's tough when the other marital parts are still viable. I'm going through that with a MW right now whose husband isn't interested in sex. I've also noticed he isn't interested in even embracing her or kissing her. She talked about separating this past weekend but I told her to exhaust all options prior to making that choice because IMO it's a slippery slope to divorce. I don't recall how long you've been married but they're closing in on 30 years. Keep us posted and welcome back! thank you... not sure why I posted this update... I guess it's a major change. We've been married 28 years, together 33... it's tough, but I have exhausted all avenues and, despite the fact that things had improved, I guess menopause put all that back to square one... I will keep you posted! Glad you are still around! Link to post Share on other sites
Author giotto Posted July 13, 2018 Author Share Posted July 13, 2018 The end of any relationship is painful, both emotionally and physically. However, better days are definitely ahead. Avoid alcohol/drugs, take care of yourself, eat well, do nice things for yourself, and avoid rebound relationships. Don't get in a hurry to find someone else. You WILL end up with someone that wants you - both physically and emotionally. Wanting sex more than once a month was not unreasonable. Ironically, I suspect you both will go on to find more sex and love - and be much happier. Probably hard to see now, but you've been given another chance at life/happiness. Make the most of it. Best wishes. thank you! Yes, my aim is exactly that... we will be facing a totally empty nest next here, so it's probably better it's happening now.... I do plan to enjoy myself for the rest of my life... Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted July 13, 2018 Share Posted July 13, 2018 Yep, menopause is a bugger. Likely it was one factor in our D as well and is IMO holding sway in this current deal with the MW I posted about, since they married in their teens and she's now late 40's and into peri-menopause. I won't get graphic but she's gone apparently opposite of your spouse sexually, voracious. I really feel for her H, good guy but man you gotta love your wife or she'll go. I did my share of screwing up, not sexually but in other ways, and my wife went and the guy she went to during our D she's now been with for eight years so that says something. Never too late to start over and I hope, if D is your choice, it doesn't put you off women like happened to me. Since you married young, I doubt it will. Lots of lovely ladies out there. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted July 13, 2018 Share Posted July 13, 2018 Why is it men always want to have sex even when nothing is going right? Seriously, this baffles women. It's the difference between most men and most women. Most women need to have the emotional connection and for conditions to feel right, not for some guy wanting to board them like a train even when he's mad. In this case, for whatever reason, she lost her attraction -- and that's assuming she ever had any. If she did, she lost it. If she didn't, shame on her for marrying anyway. So she's trying to work herself up to have a libido instead of feeling raped. That's understandable, right? What we don't know is if you were George Clooney, would she magically have an active libido. Just don't know. Fighting about sex or lack of it is no way to live for either of you. Wishing you better luck in the future. At least at the beginning of relationships, both people are usually into sex, though it very often fades over time and/or with children. So I just caution you to not get involved with someone next who isn't really into it or seems like she's holding out and to get with someone who seems, for the time being, eager to have sex. They're out there. Don't go chasing some woman and talking her into being with you. Go for the woman who is chasing you because she finds you that attractive. Yes, this might mean a come-down on looks, but sex matters that much to you, so do it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted July 13, 2018 Share Posted July 13, 2018 thank you... not sure why I posted this update... I guess it's a major change. We've been married 28 years, together 33... it's tough, but I have exhausted all avenues and, despite the fact that things had improved, I guess menopause put all that back to square one... I will keep you posted! Glad you are still around! Listen, menopause... gets a bad rap, and is used as an excuse too much. Yes, some women just lose all desire after menopause, it is a real thing. But I have known so many woman that are post menopausal and their drive and desire is through the roof. So something does not add up about that, I guess some women are different? I cannot be the only man in the world to have witnessed this... 4 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted July 13, 2018 Share Posted July 13, 2018 From my remembrance, giotto's wife enjoyed sex when they have it but that's rare. I think he put it as enjoys and orgasms. That must've changed recently. Also the issue had been going on for I believe ten years at the time, now 18 (?) so clearly not always potentially explainable by menopause. That phase is recent due to age. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
What_Did_I_Do Posted July 13, 2018 Share Posted July 13, 2018 thank you! Yes, my aim is exactly that... we will be facing a totally empty nest next here, so it's probably better it's happening now.... I do plan to enjoy myself for the rest of my life... Giotto, as difficult the decision to separate/divorce...you will reap the rewards. There are plenty of "more experienced" ladies that just can't get enough sex. You will eventually meet one of these gals and she will rock your world. Enjoy! Link to post Share on other sites
Author giotto Posted July 14, 2018 Author Share Posted July 14, 2018 Never too late to start over and I hope, if D is your choice, it doesn't put you off women like happened to me. Since you married young, I doubt it will. Lots of lovely ladies out there. I love ladies so it hasn't put me off at all. I now believe she lost her attraction for me some time ago (maybe even 15 years ago), but never admitted it. She is a complex person. Now she is menopausal and she can't really be bothered... fair enough. I feel rejected a bit, but not a lot I can do about it. We are not planning to divorce, I said I would live my own life... Link to post Share on other sites
Author giotto Posted July 14, 2018 Author Share Posted July 14, 2018 From my remembrance, giotto's wife enjoyed sex when they have it but that's rare. I think he put it as enjoys and orgasms. That must've changed recently. Also the issue had been going on for I believe ten years at the time, now 18 (?) so clearly not always potentially explainable by menopause. That phase is recent due to age. Yes, you are right... she is also on AD for recurrent catastrophic thoughts (classified as OCD)... about 10 years ago she said she would seek therapy so we could go back to "normal", as our marriage was at the beginning, but then she backtracked... that was the core of my post in 2009... I really am a bit clueless. I'm mentioning menopause because this is the only change in the recent months... Link to post Share on other sites
Author giotto Posted July 14, 2018 Author Share Posted July 14, 2018 Giotto, as difficult the decision to separate/divorce...you will reap the rewards. There are plenty of "more experienced" ladies that just can't get enough sex. You will eventually meet one of these gals and she will rock your world. Enjoy! Thank you! I will! Link to post Share on other sites
Author giotto Posted July 14, 2018 Author Share Posted July 14, 2018 Listen, menopause... gets a bad rap, and is used as an excuse too much. Yes, some women just lose all desire after menopause, it is a real thing. But I have known so many woman that are post menopausal and their drive and desire is through the roof. So something does not add up about that, I guess some women are different? I cannot be the only man in the world to have witnessed this... Thanks for your input... unfortunately, my wife is not the most talkative person in the world. When she told me she didn't want to have sex with me any more, to my pressing questions, she answered that she is menopausal and her libido is less than zero, even less than before. She hated it when I put pressure on her between 2002-2010 to have sex, although I was only asking for twice a month. It is true I would get angry. Not violent. Angry with her. I'm not proud of it and obviously I did some damage. I have a completely different personality and to me they were just rows... ah well. Now she doesn't want to get into that place any more, even if it's been 10 years since my last outburst. I thought things had improved... I was wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 14, 2018 Share Posted July 14, 2018 Why is it men always want to have sex even when nothing is going right? Seriously, this baffles women. It's the difference between most men and most women. Most women need to have the emotional connection and for conditions to feel right, not for some guy wanting to board them like a train even when he's mad. In this case, for whatever reason, she lost her attraction -- and that's assuming she ever had any. If she did, she lost it. If she didn't, shame on her for marrying anyway. So she's trying to work herself up to have a libido instead of feeling raped. That's understandable, right? What we don't know is if you were George Clooney, would she magically have an active libido. Just don't know Come on, rape? The word adds nothing to this discussion of sexless marriages... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author giotto Posted July 14, 2018 Author Share Posted July 14, 2018 Why is it men always want to have sex even when nothing is going right? Seriously, this baffles women. It's the difference between most men and most women. Most women need to have the emotional connection and for conditions to feel right, not for some guy wanting to board them like a train even when he's mad. In this case, for whatever reason, she lost her attraction -- and that's assuming she ever had any. If she did, she lost it. If she didn't, shame on her for marrying anyway. So she's trying to work herself up to have a libido instead of feeling raped. That's understandable, right? What we don't know is if you were George Clooney, would she magically have an active libido. Just don't know. Fighting about sex or lack of it is no way to live for either of you. Wishing you better luck in the future. At least at the beginning of relationships, both people are usually into sex, though it very often fades over time and/or with children. So I just caution you to not get involved with someone next who isn't really into it or seems like she's holding out and to get with someone who seems, for the time being, eager to have sex. They're out there. Don't go chasing some woman and talking her into being with you. Go for the woman who is chasing you because she finds you that attractive. Yes, this might mean a come-down on looks, but sex matters that much to you, so do it. I hesitated answering after reading the word "rape" to be honest... it's like that guy at the end of my last thread who was insinuating I was having some kid of weird relationship with my daughter... Sex is an ugly subject when there is a problem and both partners should make an effort. It wasn't the case. I made may mistakes and I am the first to recognise it. But it's difficult when your wife doesn't talk to you. All in all I think you are right, though. She must have lost her attraction to me at some point, but instead of telling me, she pushed me away. Maybe because we had 2 kids at the time, maybe she didn't want to be a single mother, maybe she still liked me, but she wasn't in love with me. I will never know now. Not that she would tell me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author giotto Posted July 14, 2018 Author Share Posted July 14, 2018 Come on, rape? The word adds nothing to this discussion of sexless marriages... Mr. Lucky Thank you, Mr. Lucky... Link to post Share on other sites
Author giotto Posted September 3, 2018 Author Share Posted September 3, 2018 well, it's been over 45 days since the "revelation" and things are the same. I don't know what I was expecting. Maybe that she might change her mind? That she might miss me? Nope. We are living separate lives. It's hard to witness the end of your marriage, but there is no hope. Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted September 3, 2018 Share Posted September 3, 2018 It's a sad situation to be in, but you are not alone. My marriage wasn't quite as long, 23 years, but believe me there is a good life out there after divorce. Once you have come to terms with it you will feel much lighter and wonder why you kept holding on. There are plenty of women out there of all ages still very much interested in sex, I assure you of that, and you will meet someone to have a fulfilling relationship with. Hang in there, it gets better! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author giotto Posted September 3, 2018 Author Share Posted September 3, 2018 It's a sad situation to be in, but you are not alone. My marriage wasn't quite as long, 23 years, but believe me there is a good life out there after divorce. Once you have come to terms with it you will feel much lighter and wonder why you kept holding on. There are plenty of women out there of all ages still very much interested in sex, I assure you of that, and you will meet someone to have a fulfilling relationship with. Hang in there, it gets better! Thank you! I think I need a bit of "hand-holding" and cuddles right now... Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted September 3, 2018 Share Posted September 3, 2018 well, it's been over 45 days since the "revelation" and things are the same. I don't know what I was expecting. Maybe that she might change her mind? That she might miss me? Nope. We are living separate lives. It's hard to witness the end of your marriage, but there is no hope. At least now you know and can make plans. Tough to be in limbo like you were for all these years. Will you continue to reside together once the kids are gone? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author giotto Posted September 4, 2018 Author Share Posted September 4, 2018 Will you continue to reside together once the kids are gone? Mr. Lucky This is the question of the century! To be honest, I don't want to move out and the house is big enough for both of us. So, we'll see... not ideal, though. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted September 4, 2018 Share Posted September 4, 2018 Wishing you the best. It's a sad fact that sometimes people lose attraction after a while in a marriage. Some people just need that romantic atmosphere which doesn't include all the daily chores and obligations While others aren't as dependent on conditions being right. You mentioned she had some mental issue she was working on and that certainly could be a part of this. Does she appear to want to stay together as a couple anyway? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted September 5, 2018 Share Posted September 5, 2018 This is the question of the century! To be honest, I don't want to move out and the house is big enough for both of us. So, we'll see... not ideal, though. Would seem much depends on your plans. Will you officially divorce? Will you date? Would she? I'd have trouble accepting my romantic life was over. But we reach a certain age, other priorities become at least equally important... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author giotto Posted September 5, 2018 Author Share Posted September 5, 2018 Does she appear to want to stay together as a couple anyway? If you mean as a couple with no sex, yes she would like that very much. She says she enjoys my company, but she is done with sex. I think somehow she was a bit disappointed that I said I couldn't live like that. Because in the first instance I only said I accepted it - I was literally speechless - but a few days later I said we had to live separate lives... well, I thought about it and I just couldn't live like a monk at my age. I guess it was her turn to be surprised... Link to post Share on other sites
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