BaileyB Posted December 27, 2019 Share Posted December 27, 2019 I would absolutely expect that she will have another breakdown when you leave. Your daughter is correct, you gave her what she wanted and she has now learned, she just needs to fall apart and you will save her. I am especially concerned because she has stopped going to therapy. She will need the support when you do leave again. If I may suggest, next time this happens, don’t move home. Your reasons for moving home/your plan for divorce may be very clean in your mind... She needs to learn to stand on her own and you likely confuse her and giver her false hope when you move home. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author giotto Posted December 27, 2019 Author Share Posted December 27, 2019 47 minutes ago, elaine567 said: I am not sure why you think she can't accuse you of leaving for sex. You left for sex, you came home, there was no sex and so you left again... Because I came back unconditionally. No conditions apply. Just to support her. Not expecting sex or to have any physical relation. My reason for leaving her this time, as I said before, is the disintegration of our marriage. Before it was no sex, now is no marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted December 27, 2019 Share Posted December 27, 2019 Just now, giotto said: Because I came back unconditionally. No conditions apply. Just to support her. Not expecting sex or to have any physical relation. My reason for leaving her this time, as I said before, is the disintegration of our marriage. Before it was no sex, now is no marriage. I get that, but will she? My point being that SHE may see it as "You left for sex, you came home, there was no sex and so you left again..." Link to post Share on other sites
Author giotto Posted December 27, 2019 Author Share Posted December 27, 2019 43 minutes ago, BaileyB said: I am especially concerned because she has stopped going to therapy. She will need the support when you do leave again. It won't be very soon, but when it happens, I will talk to her sisters. They will have to support her. At the end of the day, me being there on the long term won't make any difference to her. She will have to accept it. She is independent, she has a job, I give her money. I'm not stopping my material support to her. And I'm sure my kids will help her too. Link to post Share on other sites
Author giotto Posted December 27, 2019 Author Share Posted December 27, 2019 1 minute ago, elaine567 said: I get that, but will she? My point being that SHE may see it as "You left for sex, you came home, there was no sex and so you left again..." Sure, and nothing I can do about it. Personally, I know that this time I will be leaving for a different reason and that's enough for me. I have stopped worrying too much about what she thinks of me. It's a lost battle. Link to post Share on other sites
Ellener Posted December 27, 2019 Share Posted December 27, 2019 Doesn't matter why you are leaving at this point and it's no one else's business but yours. Just say/think 'we are incompatible and I don't want to try any longer'. You don't owe any more explanations to anyone else, and to be fair most people don't get other people's relationship problems, they see things in terms of their own lives. Reframe it to your/her family as 'she will need support when I leave' and put some physical and emotional distance is probably kindest all round. At some point she will exhaust everyone and take responsbility for herself maybe. Link to post Share on other sites
Author giotto Posted December 28, 2019 Author Share Posted December 28, 2019 (edited) 18 hours ago, Ellener said: At some point she will exhaust everyone and take responsbility for herself maybe. Well, I very much hope so. I think I have sacrificed my life enough. I'm not young anymore and I don't want to spend the rest of my life being miserable. I'm moving away from feeling guilty all the time, that I should be a martyr and stay to help her, because she is not mentally well. She is functioning and she needs to be on her own to finally understand that she can do it. She doesn't really need my support. I'm just a safety net for her. She gets the support, I get absolutely nothing. Edited December 28, 2019 by giotto 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted December 31, 2019 Share Posted December 31, 2019 On 12/28/2019 at 3:08 AM, giotto said: She gets the support, I get absolutely nothing. You get to know you're a good man who's compassionate in his view of other people, even under difficult circumstances. I suspect, even as you look for a more balanced life, that won't end... Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author giotto Posted December 31, 2019 Author Share Posted December 31, 2019 (edited) 2 hours ago, Mr. Lucky said: You get to know you're a good man who's compassionate in his view of other people, even under difficult circumstances. I suspect, even as you look for a more balanced life, that won't end... Mr. Lucky I guess I should be happy with that, but I'm not. I don't know. Maybe it's because I have this romantic idea of how a marriage ought to be. I thought she was the most beautiful girl when I met her and that I was incredibly lucky to have her. We spent 10 wonderful years together - the first 10 years - at the peak of our youth. I keep thinking about all this and maybe I should stop. But I can't help looking back and feeling dejected because I wasn't able to save us, to save our marriage. It's all so sad. Sorry, feeling a bit down today. Edited December 31, 2019 by giotto Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted December 31, 2019 Share Posted December 31, 2019 5 hours ago, giotto said: We spent 10 wonderful years together - the first 10 years - at the peak of our youth Emphasis on "youth" my friend, different time and place. One challenge in any enduring marriage is it has to work for both partners at all stages of life, requiring a difficult combination of acceptance, adjustment, commitment and communication. Not much solace to be taken today in what happened decades ago... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author giotto Posted December 31, 2019 Author Share Posted December 31, 2019 8 minutes ago, Mr. Lucky said: Emphasis on "youth" my friend, different time and place. Mr. Lucky Yes, I know, I'm a fool... 😄 Link to post Share on other sites
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