Author giotto Posted September 5, 2018 Author Share Posted September 5, 2018 Would seem much depends on your plans. Will you officially divorce? Will you date? Would she? I'd have trouble accepting my romantic life was over. But we reach a certain age, other priorities become at least equally important... Mr. Lucky We will probably divorce at some point. But not before my youngest goes to uni next year. I will date too. Not right now, too early. And yes, I'm very much troubled my marriage is over after 30 years. It's unthinkable... but it's happening and it's out of my hands... Link to post Share on other sites
MidnightBlue1980 Posted September 8, 2018 Share Posted September 8, 2018 Listen, menopause... gets a bad rap, and is used as an excuse too much. Yes, some women just lose all desire after menopause, it is a real thing. But I have known so many woman that are post menopausal and their drive and desire is through the roof. So something does not add up about that, I guess some women are different? I cannot be the only man in the world to have witnessed this... Not sure if Blues will see this...it's a big board. But so I am perimenopausal and I hear it only gets worse. The reality is that everything does change, your body betrays you so to speak. You just don't care about sex that much. You get fat. From my experience, it takes a lot of change and personal determination/willpower to fight that deterioration. It's the usual, diet, exercise, sleep, etc. but it's got to be hardcore and its got to be a lifestyle change. A major lifestyle change. And even then, the hormones change, it's a battle. Link to post Share on other sites
Mumbles Posted September 8, 2018 Share Posted September 8, 2018 This is the question of the century! To be honest, I don't want to move out and the house is big enough for both of us. So, we'll see... not ideal, though. Mmmmm. Have a care here. Ultimately I think you'll find living together to be unworkable. My first wife and I cohabited for some time after 'separation' (different bedrooms). But the thing is, how do you (both) manage dates and sex whilst still living in the same house? Always go to a hotel? In the car? At her (or his) place? Things get weird and uncomfortable pretty quickly. Ultimately, once divorce proceedings were well underway, and I'd managed to source financing, I bought and moved into a new house. Things progressed in a much less stressful and 'normal' way from there. I'll admit though that I held on to the thought of us working things out and getting back together, for a long time even after we lived in separate homes. Link to post Share on other sites
Author giotto Posted September 8, 2018 Author Share Posted September 8, 2018 Not sure if Blues will see this...it's a big board. But so I am perimenopausal and I hear it only gets worse. The reality is that everything does change, your body betrays you so to speak. You just don't care about sex that much. You get fat. From my experience, it takes a lot of change and personal determination/willpower to fight that deterioration. It's the usual, diet, exercise, sleep, etc. but it's got to be hardcore and its got to be a lifestyle change. A major lifestyle change. And even then, the hormones change, it's a battle. yes, my wife has been exercising a lot and she has lost a lot of weight... in fact, she said that maybe we can have sex again when she is thin... then she said, actually, no... Maybe she's having an affair? If she was, I would be astonished... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author giotto Posted September 8, 2018 Author Share Posted September 8, 2018 Mmmmm. Have a care here. Ultimately I think you'll find living together to be unworkable. My first wife and I cohabited for some time after 'separation' (different bedrooms). But the thing is, how do you (both) manage dates and sex whilst still living in the same house? Always go to a hotel? In the car? At her (or his) place? Things get weird and uncomfortable pretty quickly. Ultimately, once divorce proceedings were well underway, and I'd managed to source financing, I bought and moved into a new house. Things progressed in a much less stressful and 'normal' way from there. I'll admit though that I held on to the thought of us working things out and getting back together, for a long time even after we lived in separate homes. Our house is big and has a "depandance" with a independent entrance... it would work... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted September 12, 2018 Share Posted September 12, 2018 Our house is big and has a "depandance" with a independent entrance... it would work... My first husband and I lived separate lives in the same house for awhile. He asked me to stay with him for another 4 months while he saved money so he could get his own place (because he could not afford the house we lived in on his own and I was already moving to another location.) I agreed. Then, he didn't come home one night. He stayed the night at his new girlfriend's. I was furious. I was the one that ended the 32-yr marriage, but I was not going to maintain the finances of this household at his request so he could come and go as he pleased. I was waiting for him when he got home to tell him I was going to sign the lease on my new apartment that day. Just know that it becomes quite a slippery slope when you decide to live separate lives in the same house, regardless of who made the decision to "leave" the marriage. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
norudder Posted September 12, 2018 Share Posted September 12, 2018 IMO, people can't truly move on emotionally until they've moved out physically. Positive, negative, it's still a tie. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author giotto Posted September 12, 2018 Author Share Posted September 12, 2018 Just know that it becomes quite a slippery slope when you decide to live separate lives in the same house, regardless of who made the decision to "leave" the marriage. I'm aware of this... won't be easy, but I'm not "asking" to stay... to be honest, I think my wife should be the one moving out... I want the marriage... she doesn't... Link to post Share on other sites
Author giotto Posted September 12, 2018 Author Share Posted September 12, 2018 IMO, people can't truly move on emotionally until they've moved out physically. Positive, negative, it's still a tie. yep... it's started feeling like that already... Link to post Share on other sites
Mumbles Posted September 13, 2018 Share Posted September 13, 2018 I'm aware of this... won't be easy, but I'm not "asking" to stay... to be honest, I think my wife should be the one moving out... I want the marriage... she doesn't... My first wife and I had basically reached a mutual understanding that divorce was the right way to go - plenty of ambivalence, sure, but it was in essence a mutual decision. The trouble is that you still really live and operate as you did when you were married. You share an awful lot of time together, cooking, watching TV, looking after the house and general every day interaction.... you just don't sleep or socialise together. But I have to say, as with vla1120 above, the first time my wife didn't return home one night, I wasn't happy. Its weird, because I had no right to feel that way, but, I did. It was obvious, after that, that the situation couldn't be maintained. I needed to move on. My mrs loved the house we were in, and I don't much care where I live, so I moved - it made things somewhat easier - not having to negotiate who stayed and who had to go. Moving out really brought home the reality of the impending divorce too. I'd go home to an empty house (mine) and lived my out of work time alone - it was pretty brutal, but required. Link to post Share on other sites
Author giotto Posted September 14, 2018 Author Share Posted September 14, 2018 My first wife and I had basically reached a mutual understanding that divorce was the right way to go - plenty of ambivalence, sure, but it was in essence a mutual decision. The trouble is that you still really live and operate as you did when you were married. You share an awful lot of time together, cooking, watching TV, looking after the house and general every day interaction.... you just don't sleep or socialise together. But I have to say, as with vla1120 above, the first time my wife didn't return home one night, I wasn't happy. Its weird, because I had no right to feel that way, but, I did. It was obvious, after that, that the situation couldn't be maintained. I needed to move on. My mrs loved the house we were in, and I don't much care where I live, so I moved - it made things somewhat easier - not having to negotiate who stayed and who had to go. Moving out really brought home the reality of the impending divorce too. I'd go home to an empty house (mine) and lived my out of work time alone - it was pretty brutal, but required. yes, it's a bit of a scary thought... not one I'm entertaining right now. I guess the time will come... Link to post Share on other sites
Author giotto Posted March 29, 2019 Author Share Posted March 29, 2019 Update my kids now know what's going on... so separation will only be matter of time... I don't have to be afraid I'm going to hurt them. Sharing the weight of the situation helps enormously. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted March 29, 2019 Share Posted March 29, 2019 So is it as simple as they know Mom and Dad aren't happy or did you talk separation and divorce with them? What is your wife's reaction to all this? Given the tensions involved, they must have had some clues things weren't going well... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author giotto Posted March 29, 2019 Author Share Posted March 29, 2019 (edited) So is it as simple as they know Mom and Dad aren't happy or did you talk separation and divorce with them? What is your wife's reaction to all this? Given the tensions involved, they must have had some clues things weren't going well... Mr. Lucky Sorry, I was a bit succint there... I did speak to my eldest daughter and she then spoke to the others... there were no surprises there... they knew there was something going on. They seem to understand the importance of the sexual connection... and they find this unacceptable. Also, that she could detach and still enjoy all the perks of married life - nice house, nice car, my financial support (although she does work, part time)... I haven't spoken with my wife. We are still at the stage "let's see what happens"... but now that my kids know, there is no point in waiting anymore. Still very sad it didn't work out, but I feel better about myself. Having an outside input is very precious, especially because I got confirmation that I'm not totally crazy or a nasty person... I'm not saying bad things about my wife. She is still their mother, but having a different point of view has been great. Edited March 29, 2019 by giotto Link to post Share on other sites
notbroken Posted March 29, 2019 Share Posted March 29, 2019 If you are going to divorce/separate I strongly urge you to NOT continue to live with her and just 'pull off the bandaid'. Living together will delay both your recovery and basically wallow in the pain. Split asap if you are going to. Can't do it soon enough. Yes it is very hard, but living in the same house with her will be harder and only delay the inevitable. There ARE women that aren't celibate in the world. Plenty of them. Don't feel any guilt whatsoever for not accepting forced celibacy and be proud you chose the 'high road' of not just cheating - which would destroy your relationship and result in separation anyway. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author giotto Posted March 29, 2019 Author Share Posted March 29, 2019 If you are going to divorce/separate I strongly urge you to NOT continue to live with her and just 'pull off the bandaid'. Living together will delay both your recovery and basically wallow in the pain. Split asap if you are going to. Can't do it soon enough. Yes it is very hard, but living in the same house with her will be harder and only delay the inevitable. There ARE women that aren't celibate in the world. Plenty of them. Don't feel any guilt whatsoever for not accepting forced celibacy and be proud you chose the 'high road' of not just cheating - which would destroy your relationship and result in separation anyway. We have 2 houses, next to each other's. I will move next door, for a bit. I'm past it now, anyway. I have no desire to be with my wife. And never considered cheating. That would have destroyed my relationship with my children too. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
notbroken Posted March 29, 2019 Share Posted March 29, 2019 Limbo sucks. You are considering staying there. I can't emphasize enough how bad an idea it is to stay in 'limbo' (ie. continue living with her). If I had to rate the pain on a 1-10 scale during the different periods of divorce recovery, I'd say: * When things are bad but you haven't decided yet: 7-8 * When you have decided but not yet informed one another: 9 * When you have informed one another and are still living together (limbo): 11 (yes - off the scale) * When you first move out in the first 1-3 months: 10 * After you settle into living on your own - the first year maybe: 8 * When you accept you are divorced and are starting to make your way: 7 * You have established a life for yourself (maybe dating - but not seriously) in the first 1-3 years: 6 * You've built a new life: Maybe the best period in many years of your life From this you can see that the 'limbo' period is the worst. Do NOT stay there. Get through that absolutely as quickly as possible (and then go faster). Link to post Share on other sites
Author giotto Posted March 29, 2019 Author Share Posted March 29, 2019 Limbo sucks. You are considering staying there. I can't emphasize enough how bad an idea it is to stay in 'limbo' (ie. continue living with her). I'm not living with her. They are two separate independent houses... I won't see her at all... Link to post Share on other sites
notbroken Posted March 29, 2019 Share Posted March 29, 2019 That's better. Wouldn't be far enough for me but hope it works out for you. I personally would rather be in another state from my ex and we were initially very amicable. Things change after you divorce. You may find she doesn't make a great neighbor for alot of reasons. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted March 29, 2019 Share Posted March 29, 2019 I won't see her at all... Until she shows up at your door, wanting to "work things out" ... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
snowcones Posted March 30, 2019 Share Posted March 30, 2019 So wait, you're 57 now and been together since you're 22? Link to post Share on other sites
Author giotto Posted March 30, 2019 Author Share Posted March 30, 2019 Until she shows up at your door, wanting to "work things out" ... Mr. Lucky She is too proud to do that and she won't have sex with me, so it's out of the question. I don't want her back and start the endless push and pull of our relationship. I'm not interested. I'm done. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author giotto Posted March 30, 2019 Author Share Posted March 30, 2019 So wait, you're 57 now and been together since you're 22? I'm 55... and yes, we've been together since we were 22... 33 years... what's so strange? Link to post Share on other sites
snowcones Posted March 30, 2019 Share Posted March 30, 2019 I'm 55... and yes, we've been together since we were 22... 33 years... what's so strange? Nothing. I have an unorthodox opinion, but I think after a couple has been together for a while, they naturally start to become like roommates or like BFF's if they have an especially emotionally close relationship. Sex and passion tapers way off. Some (most?) couples are okay with this and get on just fine, because they have other reasons to stay married, but if you have any fire or passion left in you, then you're going to struggle with long-term marriage and make too much of a fuss and end up divorced. Link to post Share on other sites
Author giotto Posted March 30, 2019 Author Share Posted March 30, 2019 Nothing. I have an unorthodox opinion, but I think after a couple has been together for a while, they naturally start to become like roommates or like BFF's if they have an especially emotionally close relationship. Sex and passion tapers way off. Some (most?) couples are okay with this and get on just fine, because they have other reasons to stay married, but if you have any fire or passion left in you, then you're going to struggle with long-term marriage and make too much of a fuss and end up divorced. I don't think it's unorthodox... it happens, but at 55 I think it's a bit too early... I'm pretty sure my parents were having sex in their sixties... we've been struggling for the last 15 years (at least), so this is no news. What I find disrespectful is that she withdrew the sex part without even consulting with me. She presented it as a de facto situation... also, she has said things that have put me off having sex with her ever again. So, we are separating. Link to post Share on other sites
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