Engaged to a Racist

[losangelena]

Yeah, you're not kidding.

 

This is disgusting talk. I could not comfortably date or even be friends with someone who uses this kind of language. So disrespectful. I ask again, how are you going to feel when one of your kids says something like this? That's going to be one heck of a conversation when your kids start doing the math that mommy is racist against people who look like daddy.

 

How do you square this in your mind? How do you make it OK for yourself to be with someone like this? No offense, but I would assume that someone in your position feels some shame about who they are, if they're willing to put up with that. Do you agree with her when she says awful things about Mexicans? What is your reaction?

 

Very disturbing behavior, but sadly, probably still far too common these days.

 

You can do better.

Edited July 16, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed

[Woggle]

So let me get this straight. You yourself are hispanic but you are engaged to a woman who is racist against hispanics? Do I have this right? Is having a physically attractive woman in your life worth that price?

[hurtsogood]

@Mr. Lucky

I'm curious to see how she would respond. But our kids we have together she treats no different than her kid. So I've been surprised that she hasn't lashed at them either despite them sometimes being a handful for the both of us.

[hurtsogood]

@amaysngrace

I do have a huge thing for blondes though. She's a blonde and you're right I shouldn't let her physique be the only reason why we're dating.

 

It's not. She's extremely supportive of me, often cooks for me ( I also cook for her and the kids too), She's a great friend who goes dirt biking with me, mudding, camping and hiking, works out with me, and she can be pretty damn funny so she makes me laugh quite a bit; but as cheesy as it sounds she's also very romantic that leaves me a lot of love notes before I go to work. She's also one hell of a mom to her kid and ours (should be saying just ours since I consider her's mine as well).

Edited July 16, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[hurtsogood]

@Haydn

I know what you mean. Despite her good qualities, these are inexcusable.

[hurtsogood]

@Garlend

No she's racist. The only thing I could see why she made me an exception was she said that she was caught off guard to see a Latino guy like myself look really good. She said that I was without a doubt the hottest guy she's ever seen and was conflicted because she never expected to be with someone outside her race. Look at her now, she's happily with me, and 5 years later we have kids.

[hurtsogood]

@fiskadoro

It's easier said than done. Despite having my dream girl looks, she's also one hell of a mom to our kids, and really good company. But yes, her childish racist **** does leave me feeling like crap and fatigued.

[losangelena]

@Garlend

No she's racist. The only thing I could see why she made me an exception was she said that she was caught off guard to see a Latino guy like myself look really good. She said that I was without a doubt the hottest guy she's ever seen and was conflicted because she never expected to be with someone outside her race. Look at her now, she's happily with me, and 5 years later we have kids.

 

So she's racist and she's shallow. Great. You're an exception because you're hot. That's amazing logic. What happens in 15 years when the hotness is gone? Are you going to be just another latino ?

Edited July 16, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[No_Go]

Is she talking like this for other things? I mean is se offensive only towards people from different race or generally has dirty mouth?

 

If it's the later it's probably just talk. Just some people use offensive language. My father was like this (not targeting other races, but big time for other stuff) I don't think he really meant anything besides trashy talk.

 

Otherwise... I'd be concerned. Your kids may start feeling inferior towards her and their brother because of these comments... Not cool I don't know what to advice then, it is not like you can just walk away after having kids together...

Edited July 16, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed quote

[Vivir]

hurtsogood, welcome to your place in history.

 

I agree with so much of what everyone else has said... I would like to add.

 

First, there is a difference between racism and prejudice. Racism is power + prejudice.

 

Second, the United States is a racist society. That racism impacts everyone quite literally. Every day we all struggle with it in some way. Some of us believe in it; some of us fight against it. All of us. It is inescapable.

 

Many who are fighting against it believe that these prejudicial beliefs will die out with older generations, but your situation is proof positive that this is wishful thinking...

 

On the other hand, I have learned that attitudes can change when people are involved in situations like yours, but those changes come very often in hurtful ways.

 

For instance, perhaps your future wife will begin to change when she gets a taste of her own medicine, as the saying goes, when others who think the way she does confront your children. Her oldest child is likely to experience the same, and he will look to her for advice on how to respond. She will have to decide whether or not to defend her younger children against strangers. She will have to pick a side. And it will be your job to insulate your children from burgeoning self-hatred.

 

This makes me very sad, because home is supposed to be a safe haven from this sort of thing.

[BettyDraper]

I'm wondering if you have some issues with self hate because I don't understand how a visible minority can stay with a racist and have children with her.

 

Attractiveness is only one aspect of a successful relationship. It's impossible to be happy with someone whose core values are wildly divergent from your own.

[amaysngrace]

Hey man, it's your life but if someone was making disparaging remarks about MY people I'd be like adios muchacha.

[Mr. Lucky]

Hey man, it's your life but if someone was making disparaging remarks about MY people I'd be like adios muchacha.

 

Would I sleep with a "hot" someone who's views were so confounding on several levels? Speaking honestly, when I was younger, probably so.

 

Would I have children with and marry that person? No way...

 

Mr. Lucky

[skywriter]

It's time to put a moratorium on the word "racist".

It's not that the word racist – meaning a belief that one's race is superior to another – doesn't adequately define the feelings of certain people in the world. Racial prejudice and racism, is certainly alive and often thought to be rising in America and Europe. But I refuse to believe the word "racist" is an adequate characterization of everyone and everything that it has been attributed to as of late.

 

This woman sounds a bit more rude and lacking in tact, than racist. If she were a true racist, she would not be in love and procreating outside of her race.

[Gaeta]

Her thoughts are born out of ignorance. Why not take her on a trip to where your roots are? Let her be completely immersed in your culture, let her experience the warmth and kindness of your people. Then it will be much harder for her to judge them.

 

Where I am from we've had serious frictions between the French and English when I moved out west in Alberta. People there hated us the French, we would get up in the morning with funeral wreaths on our front porch, we were yelled at 'speak white', and we witnessed our flag being burnt in public too often. All this hate aimed at us French while most English there had never socialized with one of us. Then we started to make friends with our neighbors. One day my new friend said to me: I don't even know why we hate you so much, spending time with you has opened my eyes that we are the same and we both want the same in life which is working, good schools for out kids, and reach happiness. She stopped being ignorant of our ways and culture because she spent time with us.

 

 

 

 

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[Garlend]

Her thoughts are born out of ignorance. Why not take her on a trip to where your roots are? Let her be completely immersed in your culture, let her experience the warmth and kindness of your people. Then it will be much harder for her to judge them.

 

Where I am from we've had serious frictions between the French and English when I moved out west in Alberta. People there hated us the French, we would get up in the morning with funeral wreaths on our front porch, we were yelled at 'speak white', and we witnessed our flag being burnt in public too often. All this hate aimed at us French while most English there had never socialized with one of us. Then we started to make friends with our neighbors. One day my new friend said to me: I don't even know why we hate you so much, spending time with you has opened my eyes that we are the same and we both want the same in life which is working, good schools for out kids, and reach happiness. She stopped being ignorant of our ways and culture because she spent time with us.

 

 

 

 

.

 

Hmmm, I'm 3/4 English, and 1/4 German according to my genealogical heritage.

 

My wife is 1/3 English, 1/3 Irish, and 1/3 French.

 

I guess we're just a couple of worthless mutts according to the purists, eh?

[skywriter]

Her thoughts are born out of ignorance. Why not take her on a trip to where your roots are? Let her be completely immersed in your culture, let her experience the warmth and kindness of your people. Then it will be much harder for her to judge them.

 

Where I am from we've had serious frictions between the French and English when I moved out west in Alberta. People there hated us the French, we would get up in the morning with funeral wreaths on our front porch, we were yelled at 'speak white', and we witnessed our flag being burnt in public too often. All this hate aimed at us French while most English there had never socialized with one of us. Then we started to make friends with our neighbors. One day my new friend said to me: I don't even know why we hate you so much, spending time with you has opened my eyes that we are the same and we both want the same in life which is working, good schools for out kids, and reach happiness. She stopped being ignorant of our ways and culture because she spent time with us.

 

 

 

 

.

 

My Aunt , Uncle, and first cousins are all French Canadian, as I may have mentioned in the past posts.

[anika99]

Her thoughts are born out of ignorance. Why not take her on a trip to where your roots are? Let her be completely immersed in your culture, let her experience the warmth and kindness of your people. Then it will be much harder for her to judge them.

 

Where I am from we've had serious frictions between the French and English when I moved out west in Alberta. People there hated us the French, we would get up in the morning with funeral wreaths on our front porch, we were yelled at 'speak white', and we witnessed our flag being burnt in public too often. All this hate aimed at us French while most English there had never socialized with one of us. Then we started to make friends with our neighbors. One day my new friend said to me: I don't even know why we hate you so much, spending time with you has opened my eyes that we are the same and we both want the same in life which is working, good schools for out kids, and reach happiness. She stopped being ignorant of our ways and culture because she spent time with us.

 

 

 

 

.

 

Really? I've lived in Alberta all my life and have never witnessed that kind of open racism towards French Canadians. Certainly never seen any flag burning. What flag were they burning? The Quebec provincial flag? Were you living in one of the two major cities or were you in a small town? I could imagine you being told to speak English in retalliation because parts of Quebec are quite unfriendly and unaccepting of English speaking Canadians. I experienced that firsthand when I lived in a small town in Quebec many many years ago.

 

There has always been some animosity between wester and eastern Canada mostly due to politics, money and oil. Perhaps there has been some extra hostility out west directed at Quebec due to their separatist movement and their rejection of bilingualism, but I always thought that was mainly due to politics and not so much about racism. People told you speak "white"? Lol...I've never heard that phrase. French Canadians look pretty darn white to me. I'm native Cree and Chinese so they are a heck of lot whiter than I am. Sorry for all the questions but as a native Albertan I'm just fascinated by your experience. I have relatives who are 100% native Cree and I know they have suffered racism. As I am a mix including 1/4 Irish I have mostly escaped that because nobody can tell exactly what I am..lol.

[Timshel]

@fiskadoro

It's easier said than done. Despite having my dream girl looks, she's also one hell of a mom to our kids, and really good company. But yes, her childish racist **** does leave me feeling like crap and fatigued.

 

 

The convex looking glass...as a woman being pretty and privileged, what 'they' say when they think they are safe...Oh My.

 

 

It's too bad you took her on her looks for the most part OP. Racism is ugly business.

 

 

 

When your children repeat these racist remarks in school and around your home, family and friends, what will she say? What will you say?

 

 

The ship of putting your foot down has not sailed. It's never too late to say this language is not acceptable. She can think it (remember this while you have sex with her and watch her with your children) but speaking it in your own and your children's presence is not going to fly.

 

 

Since your fiance and mother of your children is now a representative of your family as a whole, you may ponder if spouting racist profanity in any setting is something you are willing to hitch your wagon.

[Gaeta]

Really? I've lived in Alberta all my life and have never witnessed that kind of open racism towards French Canadians. Certainly never seen any flag burning. What flag were they burning? The Quebec provincial flag? Were you living in one of the two major cities or were you in a small town? I could imagine you being told to speak English in retalliation because parts of Quebec are quite unfriendly and unaccepting of English speaking Canadians. I experienced that firsthand when I lived in a small town in Quebec many many years ago.

 

There has always been some animosity between wester and eastern Canada mostly due to politics, money and oil. Perhaps there has been some extra hostility out west directed at Quebec due to their separatist movement and their rejection of bilingualism, but I always thought that was mainly due to politics and not so much about racism. People told you speak "white"? Lol...I've never heard that phrase. French Canadians look pretty darn white to me. I'm native Cree and Chinese so they are a heck of lot whiter than I am. Sorry for all the questions but as a native Albertan I'm just fascinated by your experience. I have relatives who are 100% native Cree and I know they have suffered racism. As I am a mix including 1/4 Irish I have mostly escaped that because nobody can tell exactly what I am..lol.

 

 

We lived in Edmonton (military base) during the 90s référendum. Many of that prejudice was experienced on the base.

 

I had a friend who was franco-Albertan and worked in a pharmacy in Edmonton, one day I was shopping there and dropped by to say hello. Of course I addressed her in French. That day after work she asked me to please never speak to her in French in front of her co-workers as no one knew of her French heritage and wanted it to remain that way. She told me she was bullied and beaten up all of her childhood for being Franco-Albertan.

 

The burning Quebec flags were all the over the news in those years.

 

'Speak white' is an expression we heard while living in Ontario and Alberta.

 

Things have changed a lot since but in the 90s the hate was palpable. It may not have been racism but prejudice for sure. A lot of that passed down from generation to generation. But as I explained once we would make friends with our English neighbors and co-workers they realized a lot of what they beleived about us were stereotypes vehiculated by the media, movies, etc.

 

 

 

 

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[niji]

If somebody is racist towards a particular race, I view that person as ignorant.

 

If somebody is racist towards MY race, then it just became a lot more personal. That means they're insulting MY family, and once you insult MY family, you're done.

 

Not that I would be with someone racist towards any race, but if they're racist towards my race, it just makes me run 10x faster.

 

Racist people aren't necessarily horrible people, as you've described your fiancee who sounds like a decent person. Racist people have uninformed opinions that most likely developed because of ignorance and lack of exposure to the outside world. At her age... it's gonna be hard to change. You can try to discuss this with her, but I wouldn't count on it. With two kids and 1 that you consider your own, you have a lot to think about. Like I said, I wouldn't be able to resist the idea of strangling someone who insults my family, but then I'm also not in the same situation as yours with kids to worry about.

 

One thing I'd like to raise though, is it's difficult to be with someone long-term if you don't respect them. At this rate, it's hard to see you'll still respect her 10 years from now.

Edited July 24, 2018 by niji

[anduina]

This situation doesn't make any sense. I honestly can't imagine getting involved with a racist or having children with one. If she has a quick temper with something as petty as traffic, how does she behave towards the children? Does she use ethnic slurs against her biracial children when she gets angry at them? If she doesn't, this means that her application of racial slurs is controllable, not a form of tourette syndrome where they come gushing out uncontrollably. This means that you can tell her to stop being a racist.

[sandylee1]

The both of you are shallow to be frank. She got with you because of your looks and body. You did the same and got hooked on the great sex.

 

That's normally a great match, but if a guy told me he usually didn't usually like black women and made negative comments about black people from the get go - I'd not be into him after that. I'd have been put off.

 

You looked passed that and 5 years and 2 kids later you find it a problem.

 

Don't marry her and tell her the wedding is off because of her racist behaviour.

[Jamess1]

Divorce her or dump her : get multiple evidence of her being racist, record her and use it as evidence when file for custody....she doesn't love you, her emotional association with you is hatred for you and your kids...haven't you heard of men dating women of races they hate...dump her now..