Long distance friend visited and now I'm

[Obliviate]

Hello! I have a friend who lives on the other side of the world. He visits my area for a month about once a year. We decided to spend a weekend together while he was here so that I could show him around an area he had never been. Previously, we had talked about potentially hooking up and going on a date, but (at least from my perspective) it was more of a casual thing. He is the one who brought up the idea of going on a date, but his reasoning was so that we could actually enjoy some time with the opposite sex given both of our frustrations with dating/relationships. So, he came up for the weekend and obviously we had sex several times. But the part that I am confused about is just how affectionate he was the whole weekend. He would cuddle me really closely/tightly even while going to bed, would rub my legs/back/head while we were hanging out watching TV, and in the mornings would reach out and give me long hugs. Admittedly, this was our first time spending a full weekend together and we connected much more than I thought we would. I had always known we thought similarly about most things given all the conversations we've had over the last couple years, but being in person for a longer period of time and seeing how we acted/talked/thought the same was a bit unexpected. He noted this connection too. I am thinking he maybe could have developed feelings, as did I, but I'm not sure how he is feeling. I am also wondering if maybe he was being affectionate just because he was being nice and thought that was what you were supposed to do with someone you were sleeping with. We didn't talk about it and now he has to go back to his home country. It's like this giant uncertain state was just left like this.

Additionally, on his way home he reached out to me saying he was about to board his plane and thanking me for such a wonderful time. He joked about how it was cool to put our long standing sexual tension to rest. I was a little taken aback by this because I am not sure if he was trying to test the waters with me, was just being awkward because he doesn't know where to go from here, or if there are no feelings and it was just cool for us to finally hook up. I am really caught off guard because I was not expecting to catch feelings and I am not sure how to proceed. I know a conversation is important, but I am also fearful of freaking him out when really, I just want to know what his thoughts are.

[preraph]

I imagine it was a bit of both. Nothing wrong with that, is there?

[Lotsgoingon]

You've over-learned the lesson of holding back.

 

When on a first date, if you fall hard for a guy, no, you don't wanna say, I think you're the most amazing man I've met and I want to marry you. Even if you're feeling that, you don't say it ... because your feelings are way ahead of any evidence that this is the right guy. And yes, that can scare someone away.

 

But when you have an amazing weekend of lovemaking with someone (I'm gonna call it "lovemaking" since you report that it was really tender and touching) ... you do want to voice how wonderful you feel because your feelings match the encounter. You're not getting ahead of the relationship.

 

Sounds like a wonderful weekend. So I'm not sure what the problem is here ... Well, I guess I sense the problem. You don't trust your feelings, and are afraid of scaring him away. This guy treated you with enormous and tender affection and you're confused by this ...

 

But the part that I am confused about is just how affectionate he was the whole weekend. He would cuddle me really closely/tightly even while going to bed, would rub my legs/back/head while we were hanging out watching TV, and in the mornings would reach out and give me long hugs ... I am thinking he maybe could have developed feelings, as did I, but I'm not sure how he is feeling. I am also wondering if maybe he was being affectionate just because he was being nice and thought that was what you were supposed to do with someone you were sleeping with. We didn't talk about it and now he has to go back to his home country. It's like this giant .

 

You have a wonderful weekend with someone ... beyond just "good sex" and you're confused as to what he is feeling. Really? The guy likes you--a lot!--and you guys had wonderful chemistry and passion and tenderness. So what's the confusion?

 

No, guys don't go through the motion of being tender unless they want to be tender ... It's actually really hard to be tender with someone if you don't feel wonderfully towards them. Really hard! Most people have real trouble faking this--even guys. And he confirmed your feelings in his note to you from the airport. What else do you need to understand that this was a powerful encounter for both of you?

 

Frankly, one of the most beautiful aspects of a relationship is partners sharing afterwards in sincere language how wonderful the time was. Maybe you need some words ... That was amazing. I felt so close to you. I felt more than I thought I would feel. You can even admit to surprise. I'm stunned by how wonderful that was. I wasn't expecting things to be that wonderful. Say what the heck you wanna say.

 

Any chance you're thinking about the future ... as in you now want to talk to him about a future with him? ... And you're afraid about that feeling? ... Because overwhelmingly this was an amazing and beautiful encounter. You are really afraid of telling him that?

 

(Side suggestion--you'll get a lot more readers if you break your writing into multiple paragraphs--short paragraphs. It's hard to read long paragraphs online. No biggie--just a suggestion.)

[Obliviate]

Thank you both for the replies. And sorry! I thought I had organized my original post into separate paragraphs but I realized upon submitting my post it all jumbled into one giant paragraph, so I'm going to try this again.

 

And the way you both are putting this does make me feel silly. I guess my perception of men is really messed up because I am not used to so much affection, that it definitely freaked me out a bit and caused me to start questioning everything. We did have a really amazing weekend and when he texted me at the airport saying so, I replied back saying I did as well and that I was glad he came. It seems like this attempt to reach out to me was because he wanted to talk to me and I need to stop overthinking it.

 

But yeah, I definitely don't trust my feelings and I am very much afraid of scaring him away. I am torn because part of me feels like something must have been there, but then a large part of me also feels like maybe it was just sex and he was just being affectionate because he's a nice person, and he doesn't actually have any sort of romantic feelings. I ended up bringing it up to him (in response to his sexual tension being put to rest joke), in a casual manner, saying that I'm glad it finally happened but I was wondering if that was all it was, or what. It FEELS to me like he maybe dodged my question saying of course we weren't going to stop talking. Which I mean, that's great. But I wasn't expecting us to stop talking because I know he's not that kind of person. Really what I want to know his what his thoughts are on "us" you know? Logistically, he lives REALLY far away. But he was also so affectionate throughout the weekend and I totally unexpectedly caught feelings and I just feel like it needs to be addressed. I'm not expecting an immediate solution, but I'd like to know at least a little bit about what's going on in his head. And I want to bring this up so I have more of a sense about what's going on, but I also don't want to freak him out.

[Obliviate]

Also, I absolutely have over-learned holding back. I've been told by multiple men that I am difficult to read, or that they didn't know I had feelings for them. I realize this is something I need to work on. And I realize, given that he doesn't have the highest self-esteem, that maybe he doesn't realize what I'm trying to say or that I do in fact have feelings for him, so he is trying to play it cool as well.

 

But, I really would like to figure out a way to talk to him about this in a way that isn't going to totally freak him out. Because, I feel like he is avoiding this conversation a little bit.

[Lotsgoingon]

Sorry to be tough: drop that "afraid to freak him out thing."

 

Lose it. Lose it. Lose it!

 

Yesterday! ... Drop it. That's nonsense.

 

If you freak a guy out, so what? ...

 

You have feelings ... now you want to respect those feelings. So you share what you feel. If he's the right guy for you, he'll have similar feelings.

 

If he doesn't have similar feelings, it'll hurt ...but you haven't lost anything. You haven't lost anything because you will kill off the relation by NOT saying what you're feeling.

 

A woman has to be WAY out there ... for her expression of interest to freak me out ... I mean, I tried to explain this well in my first response. You freak out people when you stalk them ... when you're creepy ... Creepy is when your feelings about someone are not based on an interaction with them. You see them in a cafe ... and you fall in love and want to bond with them--without really talking to them first to find out if they are worthy of talking to.

 

Where did you get this "I can't talk because I'll freak them out" thing? Is this a family story that was passed down? ... Sometimes parents inadvertently pass on ideas like this way stronger than they intend to.

 

I'll draw a simple analogy here.

 

Imagine I have an interview for a job ... and I love the interview and I love the company. After the interview, I'm gonna send a note saying I really enjoyed the interview. I'll say I really want to work for this company. They need to know that!

 

Now ... if the company doesn't hire me, that's fine ... But the reason they don't hire me isn't because I expressed enthusiasm for the job. I didn't "freak them out."

 

If you're madly in love based on this weekend and want to move across the world to be with this guy and marry him--if those are you feelings right now--then no, you don't share those ... because that's far ahead of where you are. But you share honestly about the weekend and how special that was--about what really happened.

 

I had an amazing time. I am thinking about you. Can't believe how wonderful that felt. Makes me want to see you again ... even if that is impractical. That's all reasonable and not jumping way ahead. That's not stalking or being creepy or clingy.

 

You can even be direct: did that feel as special to you as it did to me?

If the women in my life never told me how they feel, how the heck would I ever know?

 

I'm thinking that you are framing this wrong. I think you're afraid that he won't have the same feelings that you have. That's possible, and that's a reasonable fear. Welcome to the reality of dating. You can't escape that fear.

 

You may express yourself and he might not reciprocate. That happens. But the reason he won't reciprocate will have nothing--zero--nothing! ... to do with you saying you had an amazing time with him and that you are thinking of him. His response will have nothing to do with you "freaking him out." His response will be based on what he really feels.

 

So basically don't turn your fear of rejection into fear of scaring the guy away. That's a illogical twist. I think you're hiding your fear of rejection (or more specifically, him not feeling the same way) under the cloak of "I don't want to freak him out."

 

People don't get freaked out by positive comments of affection. If they do get freaked out, it's only because they don't share those same feelings.

Edited July 16, 2018 by Lotsgoingon

[Obliviate]

I think it's just my past experiences in relationships. I've never really felt like I've been able to express my feelings without a guy bolting or becoming distant. Granted, looking back, none of these guys were right for me. But it's a horrible feeling and I'd rather not have it happen with this guy, too.

 

I like your analogy, and you are absolutely right. And there is definitely a fear of rejection in there too. I am certainly questioning whether or not he has the same feelings. At the time, it felt like he did. Especially how natural and comfortable things were and how he noted, twice, the connection we seemed to have. Even just in a non-intimate sense, just having the same thoughts at the same time and completing each other's sentences. All of it felt very natural. But the way he is sort of dodging this conversation makes me feel like he doesn't feel the same way and his affection was just him being nice.

 

Either way, I want to be able to talk about it and figure out what he's feeling/thinking. But it feels like he's avoiding this conversation and I feel like maybe that's my answer.

[Lotsgoingon]

Don't be afraid to take this issue to therapy ... Here's the things. This guy lives around the world from you right? ... and still, you're afraid of "freaking him out."

 

He's safe. He's far away ... he doesn't run to get away from you ... Can you see how out-of-place that line of thinking you have ... really is?

 

So tell him what you feel ... after he gets back. Let him settle in.

 

And ask him what he feels.

 

You can even say ... Look, sometimes I have a hard tell figuring out what a guy is feeling ... so I want to ask you how that experience was for you ... because sometimes I can't exactly tell ...

 

In fact, given your fear, I say it's best to go ahead and say, [/i]I have had problems figuring out guy's feelings ... and the weekend with you was so special to me ... and I just want to see if I am making up that feeling. [/i]

 

Any answer ... even a disappointing answer ... is better than the "hide" maneuver you're doing right now. If he's a friend, he'll have picked up your distrust of men ... and your fears ... You can't hide that stuff as much as we think we can.

 

Asking him directly will be good for you ... because you'll get experience doing this with guys ... and you'll see that you're still alive no matter what he says ... and you'll get a thoughtful answer from him ... especially if you tell him where you're coming from with your history (I assume it's a history) of being inept at reading what guys are feeling.

 

He's a friend ... so great to get some healing on this issue with him.

[Obliviate]

You're right, that thinking is absolutely out of place. I mean, he could have easily just ghosted me if he really wanted to.

 

Thanks a lot for your input. It's helped me put my fears and insecurities into perspective.