Together 20 years -still no proper conversation about marriage

[Sheela Na Gig]

I have never posted on anything like this before but increasingly want an objective opinion. I have been with my partner for 20 years this month (we're both 37), we have seen all our friends marry and he gets excited about every marriage. We are committed and love each other, we have a mortgage together and share all our money.

 

He likes to celebrate our anniversary every year but despite one sided half conversations about marriage I have no idea why he won't talk about this properly, either for it or against it. We've also passed through the stage of everyone asking when are we going to do it, which is upsetting in itself. Out of embarrassment I suppose, I have always leapt on these questions (which were usually directed at me anyway) to answer for us - that it doesn't matter, is not important or we have already decided we don't want it. None of which are entirely true.

 

I am not some who deals well with attention so am not and have never been bothered by a wedding or a ring but I just don't understand the lack of discussion around it when we are openly committed to one another. Anyone with similar experiences?

Edited July 16, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Whodatdog]

You are answering your own questions. You've been together 20 years, committed and love each other....so why get married? I know why you want to get married, you just want to. Why would he want to? He has everything he could possibly want with the relationship. Why should he get married?

 

Since you havent point blank asked him about getting married, he might would go ahead and get married. Why are you afraid to ask? Are you afraid he will say no? If he does, what will you do? Is it really that important at this stage?

[BaileyB]

If it's important to you, there is nothing stopping you from initiating the discussion. Only he can tell you what he thinks and feels about marriage. Only he can tell you why he has never asked the question...

 

Perhaps, because you've never talked about it he is under the impression that you don't want to get married? If you have been in a relationship for 20 years and never brought up the topic for discussion, how would he think otherwise?

[Sheela Na Gig]

I have brought it up, but he's not wanted to engage properly about it which leaves me baffled. I have outright asked him why he is so excited for friends weddings when he doesn't want to seem to think about it in relation to us. He has nothing to say in relation to it. I'v tried to raise it less intensely than a sit down serious discussion but it doesn't really get us anywhere. I feel like I need to understand it and draw a line under it either way to be able to feel happy celebrating 20 years in a couple of weeks.

[BaileyB]

What do you want Sheela? Do you want to be married, have children? Is it ok to have children without being married? Are you ok with staying with this man for 20 more years, without a ring on your finger?

 

Because, for whatever reason, it is quite clear that he has no interest to be married. If he hasn't asked you in 20 years, if he won't even have the discussion with you, that means it's probably not going to happen...

 

If you love this man and you don't have a problem sharing your life with him as things are now, that's not a problem. But, if being married to the man you love is something that is important to you... well, you've likely spent 20 years of your life waiting on something that is unlikely to happen. Twenty years is a long time to spend with someone who doesn't share the same life plan... If this is something that is really important to you, then you may need to put your cards in the table, tell him clearly what you want for your life, and depending on his response... You may need to consider making a different decision for your future...

Edited July 15, 2018 by BaileyB

[Art_Critic]

Besides being totally blunt and upfront with him how would you feel if YOU proposed to him ? How do you think he would feel if you proposed to him ?

 

BTW... after 20 years there should not be an engagement like normal engagements.. you guys should just plan a wedding or go in front of a judge.

 

If you are engaged to him without a date nothing will change and he will just stay engaged

[Lotsgoingon]

At the very minimum, you need to be able to full heard and have this conversation with him. If he can't hear you out, that's a problem. Even he is strongly against being married, that has integrity.

 

What does not have integrity is him blocking you from even having this conversation.

 

You definitely want to decide ... Do you want to be married? By the way, it might be time to not have "a conversation" but rather to make clear "I want to get married."

 

Have you plainly stated that? ...

 

What do you think is up with him? Did he have a lot of divorces in his family? ... Why do you think he's so adamantly allergic to even the conversation? It's time for you to answer those questions--and not be content with an "I don't know."

 

No, if you've been with a guy for 20 years and you want to get married and he doesn't, then if you can't answer why he doesn't, then you guys don't have some great intimacy. Then you don't really know him. He's a stranger, and there's something seriously off about the relationship.

 

Time to get brutally honest. Do you want to be married? If yes, say so--loudly.

 

If he says no, then at least you know where you stand ... and you can contemplate the next step with clarity. Stop this passive thing you got going on. You've probably had this on your mind for ten years now (my guess).

 

At the very least he owes you a coherent explanation of why not. If you can't get that, I'd say it's time to think about dropping him.

[alphamale]

if you want marriage you need to find another man

[BaileyB]

Indeed, as lotsgoingon said, there is nothing wrong with a man deciding that he wants a committed relationship, but he does not want to get married. If you feel the same way, then you may have a long and happy life together...

 

But, you need to have the conversation and he needs to tell you how he feels about the idea of marriage. You need to know what his plan is for the future, so that you can make your decisions accordingly.

 

Decide what you want for your life, and have the conversation. Tell him what you want and see what he says. If he continues to avoid the conversation, that says it all... because, a man with maturity and integrity would be able have this discussion and he would have a reason for his decision - one way or the other. To do anything less is to disrespect the woman he loves and the life that you have built together.

[alphamale]

why should he buy the cow if he's already getting the milk for free?

[carhill]

if you want marriage you need to find another man

Yup, this one has clearly demonstrated a preference for not being married, in spite of social peers getting married. That speaks volumes. He's 37. If he wanted to be married, he'd be married by now. A 20 year LTR is nothing to sneeze at. That takes love and effort and commitment.

[preraph]

In my opinion anytime you're mixing money buying houses together you need to be married. otherwise if there was a break up it's just who has the better paper trail proving that they were paying for the home and other items like cars. if one of you goes in the hospital the other of you will need to be married in order to be able to take care of all your business. There's plenty of reasons to be married, mostly business reasons.

 

be sure your name is on the house and the cars and everything else you would be contributing to. Be sure you save receipts and bank statements and proof that you made car payments or house payments or paid the bills on the house even.

 

He sounds like he's just being a simple butthead on the subject which isn't very respectful of you.

[carhill]

Yup, the legal stuff is important. My exW and her BF have been living together for about 8 years in the house I gave her in the D. They haven't gotten married. I know a couple MW's now out about two decades living together, and buying houses together, and owning businesses together, with guys they never married. For some, even those married in the past (my exW 3 times) long-term living together seems to work.

 

Back when I was a landlord one of my tenants was for all appearances a family, two adults, three kids, together over a decade. They moved out when they got married and bought a house.

[bathtub-row]

At this point, aren’t they married through common law?

 

OP, I don’t know why you let things go this far before it became an issue. I say either leave things as they are, or leave him. Honestly, relationships tend to change after marriage so be careful what you wish for.

[carhill]

Depends on the jurisdiction on common law. Where I live that doesn't exist. It does in some places. Marriage does provide a basket of legal powers for very little cost. Still, all of that can be achieved by other means. Up to the parties involved. I think the OP is somewhat rare in that they've lived together essentially since teenagers. Have never seen that personally. Back when I was young, people got married as teenagers, sure. Happened a lot. Never have seen a long-term live-in couple though that started as teens. Pretty cool.

[BaileyB]

Depends on the jurisdiction on common law. Where I live that doesn't exist. It does in some places. Marriage does provide a basket of legal powers for very little cost. Still, all of that can be achieved by other means. Up to the parties involved. I think the OP is somewhat rare in that they've lived together essentially since teenagers. Have never seen that personally. Back when I was young, people got married as teenagers, sure. Happened a lot. Never have seen a long-term live-in couple though that started as teens. Pretty cool.

 

She didn’t say they have lived together since they were teenagers. They have been a couple since they were teenagers and they currently live together and share a mortgage. We don’t know how long they have lived together. I have friends who started dating in high school but didn’t live together or get married until they were well into their twenties. I have another friend who has lived with her guy for years, they have a mortgage and two children... they just got married, primarily for legal reasons.

[carhill]

Good question for the OP, how long have you been living together?

 

I'll modify my statement to please the court. I've never in my social circle encountered a couple 'getting together' as teenagers and 'being together' for 20 years without getting married. Is that sufficiently precise?

[Mr. Lucky]

I'll modify my statement to please the court. I've never in my social circle encountered a couple 'getting together' as teenagers and 'being together' for 20 years without getting married. Is that sufficiently precise?

 

Look, the BF knows the OP wants to at least discuss marriage. He's seen their friends get married. He knows marriage is usually a logical step in LTR's. So I can't think of any reason to avoid matrimony other than wanting to keep his options open. The OP should plan accordingly...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Sheela Na Gig]

Thanks everyone. To answer some of your questions.We've been around the word together, lived together since 24 and bought our first place at 27. Yes, I suppose we are a rarity! Neither of us want or have ever wanted children. There are no horrible divorces in his family. I don't want to change my name or have a rock and a frock. I love him and marriage is not a deal breaker but something I suppose I always wanted and assumed it would happen - as some of you have said - as a logical step. The absence of a proper conversation has me filling in the blanks (probably worse than whatever the truth is) and every so often like now as we are about to mark 20 years together it rears its head and brings me down.

 

I whole heartedly agree with what one of you said about not wanting marriage having integrity. But - I have a right to that particular intimacy in understanding. I have brought it up but never made him 'hear it' as I want a discussion and not to step up to a lectern about it. But I have failed myself in not setting it out clearly and straight forwardly. Although I genuinely think he knows after all the one sided half conversations which has me stumped - not because I think he should do what I want but because he's not speaking to me about it.

 

I also agree that I am not after an engagement or him 'popping the question' and haven't expected or even wanted it that way around for a long time. Honestly the reason I never proposed is i suppose I don't think he would treat it seriously and we are way past that anyway. It sounds silly but I feel I missed out on a rite of passage, even through we have everything I would hope for in a marriage. I think this is why I've been around the circle so many times - as the next question is what would I change? Not much. But this is a sporadic and recurring issue for me that nags at me when it comes back.

[Els]

It's really just a question of what you personally want, and how important that is to you. I wouldn't let anyone guilt you about "why do you need a ring/wedding/marriage/etc etc when you already have all the components of a happy marriage", but on the other hand, I also wouldn't let people tell you that "he's doing this because he wants to keep his options open, he isn't committed to you, etc". Marriage means different things to different people, and whatever it means to you, you have the right to want or not want it, to prioritize it or not.

 

Which brings me to the crux of my post... I think the main concern here is that he doesn't even want to DISCUSS it with you. It's one thing for him to say that it's not what he wants because XYZ, another thing entirely for him to avoid the discussion entirely multiple times and refuse to engage in it when you bring it up. IMO that is the main problem, as the relationship cannot possibly be all that happy or smooth when he can't even engage in an adult discussion with you about something that obviously means a lot to you.

 

It's not silly to want what you want. It IS silly for him to behave like a child by refusing to talk to you about it.

[bathtub-row]

I think your biggest problem is him not wanting to discuss it. I think I’d say to him that we either talk about it or I’m walking out the door. If that doesn’t get his attention, then that may be his goal - getting you to leave him.

[Art_Critic]

He probably doesn't want to discuss it because he knows they are not on the same page and he is afraid it will turn into a deal breaker...

 

That is just a guess though, seems she is most likely in the same position

[stillafool]

Well it sounds like your couple life is going well without the certificate. I wouldn't marry just because it's something society expects especially if you guys are happy.

Edited July 16, 2018 by stillafool

[bathtub-row]

Well it sounds like your couple life is going well without the certificate. I wouldn't marry just because it's something society expects especially if you guys are happy.

 

I agree except that he refuses to talk to her about it. He’s handling it very badly.

[Mr. Lucky]

but on the other hand, I also wouldn't let people tell you that "he's doing this because he wants to keep his options open, he isn't committed to you, etc".

 

Even though there's some degree of truth to those points?

 

It's not as though he's defending the status quo, he's simply proven the topic - and concept - is off limits in his mind. The OP wants this "next step" commitment, he clearly doesn't.

 

Hard to say there's not a message there, though I'll agree the interpretation is left to the OP...

 

Mr. Lucky