Together 20 years -still no proper conversation about marriage

[Els]

Even though there's some degree of truth to those points?

 

It's not as though he's defending the status quo, he's simply proven the topic - and concept - is off limits in his mind. The OP wants this "next step" commitment, he clearly doesn't.

 

Hard to say there's not a message there, though I'll agree the interpretation is left to the OP...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

It's not an assumption I'd advocate jumping to. While I agree that his complete refusal to discuss it is a red flag, it's possible that it's caused by him being a terrible communicator who has hangups about marriage, etc.

[Mr. Lucky]

it's possible that it's caused by him being a terrible communicator who has hangups about marriage, etc.

 

The OP describes a long-term cooperative relationship successful on most major fronts, so I think you're letting him off the hook ascribing this to his communication skills.

 

He clearly has a hangup about marrying her...

 

Mr. Lucky

[somanymistakes]

If you want to have a conversation, start the conversation!

 

You don't have to be married to have a good relationship but you at least should discuss how you both feel about it.

[d0nnivain]

I have no idea why he won't talk about this properly, either for it or against it. We've also passed through the stage of everyone asking when are we going to do it, which is upsetting in itself. Out of embarrassment I suppose, I have always leapt on these questions (which were usually directed at me anyway) to answer for us - that it doesn't matter, is not important or we have already decided we don't want it. None of which are entirely true.

 

So for the past 20 years when the subject comes up you told other people that you don't want to be married. Your guy may think you are the one who doesn't want marriage.

 

T I have brought it up but never made him 'hear it' as I want a discussion and not to step up to a lectern about it. But I have failed myself in not setting it out clearly and straight forwardly. Although I genuinely think he knows after all the one sided half conversations which has me stumped - not because I think he should do what I want but because he's not speaking to me about it.

 

The bolded is Exactly the problem.

 

Even if you are now saying you were lying when you told others that getting married wasn't important, you haven't told your partner that. You say you think he knows, but that's not fair. You can't know what he knows. I suspect the opposite. He has no idea. You can't say one thing to everybody who asks & then fret because he isn't reading your mind to know that you do care.

 

Pick a quiet night & sit him down for a chat. Tell him that it does bother you that you two are comin up on 20 years together without being married. Ask how he feels about things. Talk about what you both want. Go from there.

 

You don't have to have the 3 ring circus expensive wedding. Invite your parents & the mayor to your backyard one Saturday & get married. Very simple. No fuss, no muss, problem solved.

[Whodatdog]

You have to sit down with him one day, and simply say "do you think marriage is in the cards for us or not?" He will either say, no I dont want to get married, its not something I want....or he will say well, maybe we could, it might be something we can consider.....which to me is Manspeak for "I dont want to mess up this relationship as it is, so Ill kick the can down the road as far as I can."

 

You have to decide, before you sit down with him, what you want, and what you will accept. If he says, no, I really dont want to get married...will you just shrug it off and accept it and your relationship as it is? Will that be a deal breaker for you?

 

If he says, well yeah, maybe, in a year or two we might (really? after 20 years??) will you accept that, or will you pin him down to a (short) time frame.

 

Or he may say sure, lets get married tomorrow.

 

I think people pretty much know if they want to get married or not. Its not a decision taken lightly, and its either something someone wants to do and is willing and able, or it strikes fear to the core and its just....no.

 

He doesnt want to talk about it? Make him. Tho I think after all this time, you are afraid to have that conversation. Are you?

[stillafool]

why should he buy the cow if he's already getting the milk for free?

 

Exactly, and after 20 years he's already drank the milk. I doubt after 20 years that if he disagrees to marry that OP will leave him and he knows this. The time to ask to marry would have been 20 years ago.