Just about to divorce and the craziest thing happens...

[Jrpaiva]

So...it’s 4:19 in the morning right now. I just got back home after a 7 hour drive from South Dakota. I’m shaking, I can’t stand up, my legs feel unbelievably weak at the moment. I honestly just don’t know what to think and don’t know how to take it all in. I’ve been trying to message some of my friends to vent about it but nobody has answered so I need to write about it! Before I go rambling on about why exactly I’m feeling this way, let me take everyone back to when it all started roughly 5 years ago.

 

I joined the Army and went to basic training on January 13th 2014. I met my wife 3 months later at my graduation ceremony. Her sister was my battle buddy in training so basically my wife and I met through her. We casually talked for two months, dated for six months, and got married after eight months of knowing each other. We hadn’t even made it to an entire year before we decided to say those two magical words and devote our lives to each other.

 

Eventually we got our first on post house at Fort Polk, LA, she got pregnant, and we had our first planned baby boy on May 10th 2016. Things were going okay at first, when we were still in our honey moon stage and when we [had our little son], we were doing better than ever. We moved to Colorado, bought a house, and things were going really well. As time passed on, we fought more and more, argued with each other, and we had our differences. I couldn’t stand seeing [our son] listen to us. He would cry every time we yelled at one another and I felt so bad. My wife and I both felt terrible inside.

 

About a month ago, we started talking about divorce and how it would be better for him. We both agreed on going through with it. On the 9th of July just about a week ago [our son] and I left to see my grandparents in South Dakota and I just got back early in the morning today on Monday morning. My wife said to me, go to the room and look at what’s in there. So I walked in, and I see all these drawings in the wall. The drawings announced a surprise pregnancy. I turned around and I asked, “Are you serious?”. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing or hearing.

 

I don’t know what to do right now or what to say to her, I’m just completely speechless. I feel like it’s a blessing in disguise but on the other hand, I feel like this made things so much more complicated. It’s not that I’m not grateful for having another beautiful child, I just feel like it was wrong timing. Although, an optimist might say it was just the right timing. What do you think?

Edited July 16, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs and remove name

[PegNosePete]

I think it doesn't change a thing. Your relationship with your wife will not change in the slightest.

 

I also think you should probably get a paternity test.

[darkmoon]

I think what the child will want.

 

 

 

Your wife is obvsly thrilled, just know how busy a Mom with 2 kids will be, the slog 24/7.

 

 

 

I do not think you need a paternity test, you need champagne, and a bit of marriage guidance counselling.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

For the TL;DR folks, these two were discussing divorce when they found out baby #2 was on the way.

 

I agree babies don't fix things at all, but perhaps it's a nudge in the right direction to start working on your issues through counseling and see if your marriage can be saved.

 

Good luck!

[carhill]

Welcome to LS....

 

The military offers marriage and family counseling to its members; I'd avail myself of it.

 

How were things with your spouse during the last pregnancy? Any problems? Any mood swings out of the ordinary? Sounds like you weren't deployed for part of the time then so??

 

Generally, there's no good time to get divorced. It'll nearly always be painful at some level, especially with kids involved.

 

What's your past battle buddy say?

[standtall]

Women with minor children just don't leave because they argue. They will usually work it out, go to counseling, drink a lot, etc. There is something or someone else...do a paternity test.

[Mr. Lucky]

The drawings announced a surprise pregnancy.

 

I may be a cynic but can't help but wonder how much of a surprise this was on her part?

 

Jrpaiva, I'm also trying to understand, based on your story, how the two of you gave up on the marriage so easily? Mix in an infant and many marriages have "differences" and yet you seemingly chose separation over working on the issues.

 

What's changed now that would make you fight for the relationship?

 

Mr. Lucky

[submart]

You are right the timing is not good. However, you can't change what is.

 

Does the pregnancy make you re-evaluate things? Or do you still want a divorce? And how does your wife feel?

 

A new baby won't make a relationship healthier or stronger. So don't stay just for the baby. Stay if and only if you want to work on your relationship because you love your wife.

[Adiron]

The good news is that the amount you will pay in child support drops off exponentially with each additional child.

[BaileyB]

I also think that you need to go for marriage counselling. It seems to me that you gave up on your marriage pretty easily, you have two children now - you have an obligation to turn over every rock before visiting the lawyer.

 

And while you do that, you both need to make the decision that you will NEVER raise your voice in front of your child again.

 

As to the new baby, I also think it was probably not as much of a surprise for your wife. I would get a paternity test, for piece of mind. It changes nothing, and yet it changes everything. Go to marriage counselling and give it your all before you walk away from your marriage and break up your family. Good luck.

[somanymistakes]

If you haven't tried counseling, do.

 

If you've tried and you two just aren't compatible, the baby won't make things better, and it is better for the kids to have two divorced parents who can get along as friends than to have two married parents who fight all the time.

 

Good luck.

[Normm]

You have a 4 year old child who is being traumatized by the conflict between you and your spouse and you're about to bring a second child into this mess and you think it's a "blessing in disguise?".

 

 

Babies don't fix problems in relationships they make things worse because of the additional responsibility and stress.

[Art_Critic]

Of course babies don't fix marriages, but I don't think anybody at this point would also jump ship without trying harder now.

Why default to making the baby who hasn't even been born yet a broken family unit..

 

 

Now is the time for you both to go both feet into the marriage

 

 

If I was in your shoes no way would I divorce her and let her go thru the pregnancy alone and then have my baby begin their life without me being there 100% of the time with their Mom.

 

 

That being said if things don't improve to the point where you think you can stay together then divorce is the answer

[preraph]

You need to immediately get into counseling together -- and if either of you loses their temper and flies into rages, you need to get into anger management and stop scaring that poor child. you have no idea how frightening that is for a child. I used to sit with my heart beating when my dad got up at night, afraid he was going to go kill my mother, and that was after mainly yelling fights. It terrifies children. It changes them. And worst of all, if they don't rebel against it, they may grow up thinking it's normal and acceptable and choose someone who treats them abusively.

[amaysngrace]

Being the band aid for a failing marriage is a huge responsibility for an infant, don't you think?

 

You two need to either step up or step out. You're the grown-ups here.

 

If you couldn't get it together and keep it together for child number one, if he wasn't enough to do that for, what makes you think this new infant will inspire you both to be civil towards one another?

[DKT3]

Most marriages fail over small communication issues that snowballed into a big f..king mess. Sometimes a baby can be a catylis for a new focus, but it won't fix what's broken...likely, here it will make it worse.

[Just a Guy]

Hi JRPaiva, you have said that you and your wife have been having arguments and fights but you have not specified what the issues were which caused the arguments and fighting. Were these serious issues or just minor matters which were blown out of proportion? If you could enlighten the forum folks about these issues maybe they could help you better navigate your way out of them.

I think what the others have said about a paternity test would be incumbent on your wife's social habits. If she is a party girl type or needs to get out often with her single girl friends then maybe it is warranted. In any case you know her best and if your suspicions are raised then go ahead otherwise not as it would be the last nail in the coffin of your marriage. Best wishes.

[skywriter]

Things were going okay at first, when we were still in our honey moon stage and when we [had our little son], we were doing better than ever.

 

 

You had your first child while you were still getting to know one another and now your wife is expecting your second child.

 

You also stated there is a lot of yelling in front of your son. It sounds like you all need some maturity and have a lack of communication skills. These aren't necessarily grounds for divorce, just my opinion.

 

If ever there was a reason for some counselling and desire on both parts to try and learn better communication, it's you two. It might be that you do have enough love to learn how not to yell and possibly work things out for your so and soon to be child.

 

Just decide together to not yell and go to seperate corners until you can discuss civilly, and maybe call a counselor.

 

I wish you luck and hope you guys can work things out for that sweet boy you have now.

 

 

I just wanted to add, that being in the military , young and starting your marriage with a baby early on is all a challenge and difficult at best. Add to that being in a new enviroment with no family or friends , can also be a challenge so I hope you guys will at least try before you throw in the towel.

Edited August 3, 2018 by skywriter

[skywriter]

Jrpaiva, Hello again, never seen any replies from you regarding your relationship, and hoping all is well.

 

I realized that I didn't thank you for your service! I am prior Army, myself.

 

 

I also went back to your original post and reread about how you met your wife at your boot camp graduation, so assuming you guys married rather young, so assuming this, your learning and growing up basically together. So you two are in need of how to deal with the stress of life, child rearing and relationship skills . If you consider all this, maybe you all should slow down and consider maybe what you can appreciate about one another, what is causing you to yell and weigh the good and the bad before you call it quits.

 

My marriage was like yours, I got married right out of my advanced individual training. We had our kids close together, 17 months apart in age. I was a bit uptight at first but eventually they were great playmates for each other.

Edited August 7, 2018 by skywriter

[Just a Guy]

Hi JR, any updates? You've been given a lot to think about by the folks here. What course of action have you decided on? Also, what were the issues that you and your wife were having arguments about? How old are you two? Answers to some of these questions will help formulate better responses to your situation.

[Just a Guy]

Hi skywriter, you mentioned you like the OP, got married right out of your military training. Was that a first marriage for you and did it last or did you get divorced? Please answer only if you are comfortable doing so. Thanks.