LDR boyfriend's parents showed up to our special vacation and it ruined us

[ElKay]

I totally get what you mean! I was in a LDR with an Australia (and I'm from Canada!), so vacations with just us were very important. Even if I actually really enjoyed spending time with his family, since we stayed at his place during my trip to go there, it ruined any sexy times very easily since the mom would come see us often when it wasn't night-time yet... At that point, the relationship had devolved so much that I actually liked having his parents around since they cared more about me than he did!

 

I would say that it's understandable to be upset at this, but if you want a future with this guy, you need to try and see things his way too.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Thank you for sharing this, it makes me feel a little better knowing that I’m not alone in this. I do wish that like you, I had put my feelings of disappointment aside and we could all have a good time. It would have saved a lot of arguments and negativity which are what clouded the trip. But I just couldn’t keep in my disappointment about this.

 

And it was actually just like we were in the same hotel- some of the instances of us bumping into his parents were while walking on the route leading to our hotel. Awkward one day when we had been arguing about the issue before heading out, were then walking out of the hotel and had his dad calling out to us from the rooftop of their hotel asking when we were joining them. Talk about invading privacy!

 

Well, I haven't read your relationship history with this guy so I'll just comment that if you really love him why not tell him you regret how you reacted? Since you posted above that you wish you'd put your feelings aside and had a good time?

 

With the guy I posted about I dated him for four and a half years. He was very close to his parents to the point that when we visited them his mom would sometimes slide into bed next to him in the morning. Right. He'd scoot over and let her in and the three of us would lie there and chat and laugh. I know that's pretty odd. But she was a pleasant lady as was his dad. We visited them for the weekend once a month. They were LD, about three hours away by car.

 

It's been quite awhile since the relationship ended and his parents are now dead. Guess what? I miss them, a lot more than I miss their son, whom I don't miss at all! lol!

[babybrowns]

Agree. Wondering why OP feels so threatened by that.

 

I’m sorry but you really don’t get it. Please could you stop posting on this thread. Thanks

[babybrowns]

I completely understand your disappointment at them being in the hotel next to you. I would have been upset too.

 

However, it's when things go wrong in life, it's when we get to see what a relationship is really made of. Personally, I think you could have been a lot more gracious and accommodating. And he could have been more understanding of your needs as well. It looks like both of you dug your heels in on opposing sides and refused to work together.

 

It wasn't the parent issue which broke you and drive you apart, it was your joint inability to work together and find reasonable compromise. If the issue wasn't the parents, it would have been something else.

 

Thanks to the poster who pointed out your history with this guy. You sound quite unhappy and dissatisfied in general. Perhaps it's time to use this as a catalyst to end it.

 

Thank you for this, it helps a lot. I have always felt that my partner and I are incompatible in general, in fact my last thread, posted last month was “if they just don’t get you, will they ever do?”. It wasn’t the parents being there that was the problem, it was the fact that my partner and I just don’t understand each other and each other’s needs. That’s what really got exposed here. T is a shame that my partner is left thinking I probably just don’t like his family- he just doesn’t understand why I was unhappy and he never will.

[d0nnivain]

Look back at the posting history. This is perhaps the straw that broke the camels back... This guy is a very immature and selfish partner. This break-up has been coming for a long time.

 

I have always felt that my partner and I are incompatible in general, * * * It wasn’t the parents being there that was the problem, it was the fact that my partner and I just don’t understand each other and each other’s needs. That’s what really got exposed here. T is a shame that my partner is left thinking I probably just don’t like his family- he just doesn’t understand why I was unhappy and he never will.

 

There were go: the heart of the problem. If there is fundamental incompatibility & the parents were just a symptom, maybe it is time to end this. Seems like too much work for too little reward.

[Els]

Thank you for this, it helps a lot. I have always felt that my partner and I are incompatible in general, in fact my last thread, posted last month was “if they just don’t get you, will they ever do?”. It wasn’t the parents being there that was the problem, it was the fact that my partner and I just don’t understand each other and each other’s needs. That’s what really got exposed here. T is a shame that my partner is left thinking I probably just don’t like his family- he just doesn’t understand why I was unhappy and he never will.

 

Yeah, I agree with Bailey and basil - there are bigger issues here. His inability to compromise regarding a family vacation (when he already sees his parents every weekend) is merely a symptom, not the focal point of the problem.

 

May I ask why you are choosing to stay with him? Do both of you have plans for closing the distance in the near future, and if you do, who is moving where?

[Els]

If a 2-week VACATION where you have to endure the horror of the company of seemingly otherwise perfectly nice people is your idea of a "horrible realization of reality" you are going to really be in for it when life actually takes hold you.

 

IF ONLY this was the worst stressor in my life.....

 

 

Have you been in a LDR before? If you only have 2 weeks a YEAR to spend with your partner, and those 2 weeks end up being predominantly spent with his parents, it is a legitimate grievance. There is a very big difference between spending 2 weeks a year with the parents when you already have the rest of the year to yourselves, and spending the ONLY 2 weeks a year that you get together with the parents.

 

 

I honestly don't know any LDR couple that would consider the OP's bf's response to be reasonable.

[awesomeblondie]

I am completely with you. I would be very angry if his parents crashed our trip. your bf lives near his family, so it is completely insensitive that they would barge themselves into your precious time.

 

I can understand other people's comments about how he might have wanted you to spend more time with his family if he wants the relationship to become more serious, but he should have communicated that with you prior to the trip or even as it was happening.

 

You communicated your feelings on this, and he disregarded those feelings completely. He clearly puts his family before you. It is definitely not a good sign for your future together. If he prioritized his family over you even though he knows how little time you have together - it looks like you will always lose.

 

I think you should reconsider what you want out of relationship. If you want to be someone's #1 just like you are theirs, this relationship is not it.

[ExpatInItaly]

Have you been in a LDR before? If you only have 2 weeks a YEAR to spend with your partner, and those 2 weeks end up being predominantly spent with his parents, it is a legitimate grievance. There is a very big difference between spending 2 weeks a year with the parents when you already have the rest of the year to yourselves, and spending the ONLY 2 weeks a year that you get together with the parents.

 

 

I honestly don't know any LDR couple that would consider the OP's bf's response to be reasonable.

 

Not to put too fine a point on it, but OP said they also see each other once a month.

 

They don't not see each other the rest of year, though I can understand she feels intruded upon. I don't think either of them handled this well, though, to be fair.

[babybrowns]

Yeah, I agree with Bailey and basil - there are bigger issues here. His inability to compromise regarding a family vacation (when he already sees his parents every weekend) is merely a symptom, not the focal point of the problem.

 

May I ask why you are choosing to stay with him? Do both of you have plans for closing the distance in the near future, and if you do, who is moving where?

 

Have you been in a LDR before? If you only have 2 weeks a YEAR to spend with your partner, and those 2 weeks end up being predominantly spent with his parents, it is a legitimate grievance. There is a very big difference between spending 2 weeks a year with the parents when you already have the rest of the year to yourselves, and spending the ONLY 2 weeks a year that you get together with the parents.

 

I honestly don't know any LDR couple that would consider the OP's bf's response to be reasonable.

 

Thanks so much for your support. Luckily we do see each other for one weekend a month but it goes quickly, I was really looking forward to spending some real time with him. We have talked about the future but it is uncertain who is moving since we are both close to our families and both want to stay near them.

 

I am completely with you. I would be very angry if his parents crashed our trip. your bf lives near his family, so it is completely insensitive that they would barge themselves into your precious time.

 

I can understand other people's comments about how he might have wanted you to spend more time with his family if he wants the relationship to become more serious, but he should have communicated that with you prior to the trip or even as it was happening.

 

You communicated your feelings on this, and he disregarded those feelings completely. He clearly puts his family before you. It is definitely not a good sign for your future together. If he prioritized his family over you even though he knows how little time you have together - it looks like you will always lose.

 

I think you should reconsider what you want out of relationship. If you want to be someone's #1 just like you are theirs, this relationship is not it.

 

Thank you so much. This is exactly how I feel. I would always put my family first as well normally, but if it is a vacation that my partner and I were planning to do together, I would not suddenly throw this upon him. If my parents showed up I would do one dinner with all of us if my partner was ok with it (like I was), but after that I would put my long-distance partner first for the rest of the vacation.

 

He saw how distraught and upset the whole thing was making me but he just did not respond accordingly. I thought I was with a man who cared about me, it is the most upset he has ever seen me. It has taken away my trust.

 

My partner too is now left with a sour taste in his mouth about me and a notion that I just don’t like his family. He is not understanding that it is the intrusion that made me unhappy.

Edited July 18, 2018 by babybrowns

[Els]

Thanks so much for your support. Luckily we do see each other for one weekend a month but it goes quickly, I was really looking forward to spending some real time with him. We have talked about the future but it is uncertain who is moving since we are both close to our families and both want to stay near them.

 

 

I think this is the bigger issue by far. If neither of you intends to relocate, is there really a point in carrying on?

[babybrowns]

I think this is the bigger issue by far. If neither of you intends to relocate, is there really a point in carrying on?

 

I guess not. After this vacation especially

[babybrowns]

Hello all,

 

Thank you once again for all your insights. Since a month has passed now, I thought I would provide an update. At present, my partner and I are on a break.

 

Since it was clear to me that my boyfriend was not understanding/ not willing to understand my feelings on the vacation, I thought I would write him a letter shortly after the vacation in which I expressed them. I explained in the letter, which was hand-written, that I had nothing at all against his family, but rather I was looking forward to us having our time together as a couple on the vacation, and how important this was for me, being in a long-distance relationship. I also apologised in the letter for arguing with him so much about this on the trip.

 

His response to it (on whatsapp, not a letter) was less pleasant; that why didn't I just grin and bear it on the vacation, he implied he felt it would have been better if I had just suffered in silence and not 'sacrificed the vacation' for it. He didn't make any apology for anything, he is not owning up to his part in the vacation not going well at all and is putting the blame solely on me for what happened, as he often does.

 

I have come to the conclusion that the guy just doesn't care about me that much. To prefer that I had just suffered in silence after how upset he saw me, just so we could 'still have a good time' is shocking. It is a clear sign that he does not care about my feelings, or care for me as a person. I am even starting to doubt whether or not he loves me.

 

The good side of what happened on the vacation, his family grew quite fond of me from getting to know me more. His mother wrote a lovely message to me after the vacation and said that she hopes she can 'see me soon again', and they have invited me to a party they are having in a couple of weeks.

 

At present I am not wishing to break up with my partner, since I am reflecting on all the good times and good things he has done for me these 2 years. At the same time, he was not there for me when I most needed him, on this vacation, when he saw how upset I was. His reflection on it is also not that of a man who cares.

 

I cannot go back into the relationship until he understands and apologises, and I see that he does care. I have suggested to him that we get a relationship counsellor to help us through this particular situation but he is outright refusing. I guess we shall see what happens..

[preraph]

There is a big problem with your relationship because he doesn't not believe you should have a say in the matter or voice your opinion or opposition. In other words, he doesn't respect you as a person of free will. That's not going to get better. He may apologize to have sex, but that is a basic flaw of his that will be bad for you if you stay with him.

 

Did you pay for your part of the vacation? If so, I would be really mad he took the liberty and be wanting a refund. If he paid for all of it, then I'd still be mad he didn't tell you his parents were coming before you agreed to go.

Edited August 18, 2018 by preraph

[stillafool]

I don't believe in hiring a counselor for a relationship unless it's marriage because if we are at the point where we need a counselor we certainly do not need to think about getting married, but that is just me.

 

I think your boyfriend will never understand how you don't like to constantly do things that always involve his family. Some people, like your bf and his family, do everything together and love it that way. Your bf is going to want a wife who likes this type of interaction with his family because he isn't going to stop doing the majority of his socializing with them. His mom was very warm and I imagine she had no idea how bothered you were on your trip by their presence. I really don't think you and your bf are compatible and he isn't going to bend in your direction. You may just have to accept that he is not the man you want.

[BaileyB]

It's not really a relationship when one partner refuses to communicate or compromise with the other partner... I'm sorry, but I think this relationship should end. I would not take him back.

[BaileyB]

I don't believe in hiring a counselor for a relationship unless it's marriage because if we are at the point where we need a counselor we certainly do not need to think about getting married, but that is just me.

 

#metoo.

 

10 characters

[bathtub-row]

Having to go to counselling before marriage is a complete waste of time. The issues are already too problematic to move forward. If more people would recognize this before marrying, there would be fewer divorces.

 

In this instance, I think both of you were wrong. He is particularly wrong in saying that you should've just sucked it up and faked it. Very bad choice of words on his part.

 

The biggest problem here is that no decision has been made about putting an end to this LDR and, therefore, the relationship just needs to end. You cannot sustain this type of situation. I agree that his feelings toward you are not what you need them to be.

[babybrowns]

In this instance, I think both of you were wrong. He is particularly wrong in saying that you should've just sucked it up and faked it. Very bad choice of words on his part.

 

The biggest problem here is that no decision has been made about putting an end to this LDR and, therefore, the relationship just needs to end. You cannot sustain this type of situation. I agree that his feelings toward you are not what you need them to be.

 

Thank you. And what is particularly unfair in his words is that I did put my feelings aside when we actually met up with his parents on the trip; I was my normal nice self and that’s why his family grew fond of me as they got to know me and want to see more of me. It was behind closed doors that I expressed my true feelings to my boyfriend and he just didn’t care.

 

In terms of closing the gap for the LDR, we were talking about it and he was going to try to come to where I am. But we just need to see how things go, I for one am very confused because my faith in his feelings for me which I sustained these 2 years, has been put into perspective.

[babybrowns]

It's not really a relationship when one partner refuses to communicate or compromise with the other partner... I'm sorry, but I think this relationship should end. I would not take him back.

 

This is exactly why I’m unsure about continuing. I just need him to understand and to own up for this so that I can get my trust back, before we can think about proceeding.

[babybrowns]

I don't believe in hiring a counselor for a relationship unless it's marriage because if we are at the point where we need a counselor we certainly do not need to think about getting married, but that is just me.

 

I think your boyfriend will never understand how you don't like to constantly do things that always involve his family. Some people, like your bf and his family, do everything together and love it that way. Your bf is going to want a wife who likes this type of interaction with his family because he isn't going to stop doing the majority of his socializing with them. His mom was very warm and I imagine she had no idea how bothered you were on your trip by their presence. I really don't think you and your bf are compatible and he isn't going to bend in your direction. You may just have to accept that he is not the man you want.

 

It is not that at all. As mentioned I would have happily gone on a separate family vacation with all of them, I even mentioned that in the letter I wrote to him, just not during our once-a-year long distance couples retreat. I have been to a few family occasions with his family already and these have been great, but I wasn’t expecting to be doing this on the vacation which I thought was for the two of us.

Edited August 18, 2018 by babybrowns

[bathtub-row]

In terms of closing the gap for the LDR, we were talking about it and he was going to try to come to where I am. But we just need to see how things go, I for one am very confused because my faith in his feelings for me which I sustained these 2 years, has been put into perspective.

 

In every relationship where I've used the word 'confused', it eventually ended. Confusion means that two things are in conflict with one another: (1) what you want and (2) the reality of the situation. Once you conclude that the two things will never unite harmoniously, you'll walk away.

[babybrowns]

In every relationship where I've used the word 'confused', it eventually ended. Confusion means that two things are in conflict with one another: (1) what you want and (2) the reality of the situation. Once you conclude that the two things will never unite harmoniously, you'll walk away.

 

It could quite be that, but at this stage I really need him to talk to me, to explain more of what happened and to explain to me that he does actually care. We are currently not speaking because we both wanted some space after a turbulent few weeks. After that I need to see if his actions and words can win back my trust. If it’s the same “I don’t care, this was all your fault” attitude after this time apart, I’m not going back.

Edited August 18, 2018 by babybrowns

[preraph]

His actions speak louder than these words you are waiting to hear that "he cares." Any guy can tell you he cares. But discounting your opinion isn't showing that he cares.

[BaileyB]

This is exactly why I’m unsure about continuing. I just need him to understand and to own up for this so that I can get my trust back, before we can think about proceeding.

 

Good luck with that. You have been with this guy for two years now... has he demonstrated to you that he can be an empathic listener who is concerned about your feelings, willing to compromise, and accepts responsibility for his mistakes? No - I've read all of your previous posts... This guy is very selfish, very inconsiderate, and very stubborn! I wouldn't except him to change now...

 

He will not own up for this because he does not feel that he has done anything wrong.

 

May I suggest that you take whatever money you would have spent travelling to visit him and find yourself a good counsellor. You sound really lovely, but you are way too indecisive, way too accepting, and way too forgiving of his bad behavior. May I suggest that you really need to learn why you are so intent on hanging on to this relationship, when he has not been a good partner to you.

 

And then, find somebody else to date! There are lots of men out there... go find one of them! I promise you... You will look back on this relationship and think "What the heck was I thinking? Why did I waste so much time with this man?"

Edited August 19, 2018 by BaileyB