LDR boyfriend's parents showed up to our special vacation and it ruined us

[amaysngrace]

You're wanting him to diss his parents because things didn't pan out the way you had planned in your head.

 

His parents!

 

I understand why you're disappointed but you should try to keep it in perspective. I feel sorry for him. Trying to please an unhappy you while not trying to snub his parents.

 

And it sounds like you didn't let up on him either. Poor guy.

[babybrowns]

Good luck with that. You have been with this guy for two years now... has he demonstrated to you that he can be an empathic listener who is concerned about your feelings, willing to compromise, and accepts responsibility for his mistakes? No - I've read all of your previous posts... This guy is very selfish, very inconsiderate, and very stubborn! I wouldn't except him to change now...

 

He will not own up for this because he does not feel that he has done anything wrong.

 

May I suggest that you take whatever money you would have spent travelling to visit him and find yourself a good counsellor. You sound really lovely, but you are way too indecisive, way too accepting, and way too forgiving of his bad behavior. May I suggest that you really need to learn why you are so intent on hanging on to this relationship, when he has not been a good partner to you.

 

And then, find somebody else to date! There are lots of men out there... go find one of them! I promise you... You will look back on this relationship and think "What the heck was I thinking? Why did I waste so much time with this man?"

 

Thank you very much. It is just hard because even though he is someone that never wants to take responsibility when things go wrong, he has done a lot for me these two years. eg I was having a big problem at work last winter which he helped me through and he is very supportive with things like that. He has done a lot for me and he is the best boyfriend I have ever had. I can’t imagine my life without him, I love him too much. I just don’t know if he loves me back as much.

 

I think that if he was as invested in me as I am in him, he would also be looking forward to spending some quality time with me on this vacation, his long-distance partner, and it wouldn’t be just me who had these feelings and had to keep explaining them. But he didn’t have these same desires at all.

The whole vacation episode has made me start to doubt how much he really cares when it comes to the crunch, but if he does I know he will come forward.

Edited August 19, 2018 by babybrowns

[preraph]

I don't see how if he cares, that makes up for him having no respect for your opinions. If he doesn't respect you and your opinions, then he cares only when it's convenient for him or when no one disagrees with him.

[amaysngrace]

Actually do you know how hard it is to read somebody who acts one way in public and another way in private?

 

From his view you were being pleasant and having a good time while inside you were seething. How was he suppose to know you weren't enjoying yourself?

 

I know it's not what you want to hear but entirely blaming him for this is unfair of you.

 

Now he has to do this that or the other thing before you forgive him? It's better if you'd let this go instead of holding it over his head until you get everything the exact way you want it or else you'll freak.

 

Since you're the one who gave mixed signals you should at least own that.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Actually do you know how hard it is to read somebody who acts one way in public and another way in private?

 

From his view you were being pleasant and having a good time while inside you were seething. How was he suppose to know you weren't enjoying yourself?

 

I know it's not what you want to hear but entirely blaming him for this is unfair of you.

 

Now he has to do this that or the other thing before you forgive him? It's better if you'd let this go instead of holding it over his head until you get everything the exact way you want it or else you'll freak.

 

Since you're the one who gave mixed signals you should at least own that.

 

Totally agree. Both people are at fault here. Neither one of you will budge at all.

[Els]

Hello all,

 

Thank you once again for all your insights. Since a month has passed now, I thought I would provide an update. At present, my partner and I are on a break.

 

Since it was clear to me that my boyfriend was not understanding/ not willing to understand my feelings on the vacation, I thought I would write him a letter shortly after the vacation in which I expressed them. I explained in the letter, which was hand-written, that I had nothing at all against his family, but rather I was looking forward to us having our time together as a couple on the vacation, and how important this was for me, being in a long-distance relationship. I also apologised in the letter for arguing with him so much about this on the trip.

 

His response to it (on whatsapp, not a letter) was less pleasant; that why didn't I just grin and bear it on the vacation, he implied he felt it would have been better if I had just suffered in silence and not 'sacrificed the vacation' for it. He didn't make any apology for anything, he is not owning up to his part in the vacation not going well at all and is putting the blame solely on me for what happened, as he often does.

 

I have come to the conclusion that the guy just doesn't care about me that much. To prefer that I had just suffered in silence after how upset he saw me, just so we could 'still have a good time' is shocking. It is a clear sign that he does not care about my feelings, or care for me as a person. I am even starting to doubt whether or not he loves me.

 

 

I think your conclusion is fairly accurate, and it's probably a good thing that you have broken up. I know it's difficult, but LDRs can really only work if both parties want it to, badly enough. If only one of you is trying to communicate or values time spent together, it's going to be an exercise in futility.

[Els]

Actually do you know how hard it is to read somebody who acts one way in public and another way in private?

 

From his view you were being pleasant and having a good time while inside you were seething. How was he suppose to know you weren't enjoying yourself?

 

I know it's not what you want to hear but entirely blaming him for this is unfair of you.

 

Now he has to do this that or the other thing before you forgive him? It's better if you'd let this go instead of holding it over his head until you get everything the exact way you want it or else you'll freak.

 

Since you're the one who gave mixed signals you should at least own that.

 

 

Where did you arrive at this conclusion? By all accounts, the OP communicated her feelings very clearly to her partner multiple times, but he dismissed them and thinks she shouldn't have communicated them at all. She only says that his PARENTS had no idea how she was feeling - and of course they should not, this matter is between the two of them, she is correct to have been pleasant and polite to his parents.

[amaysngrace]

Where did you arrive at this conclusion? By all accounts, the OP communicated her feelings very clearly to her partner multiple times, but he dismissed them and thinks she shouldn't have communicated them at all. She only says that his PARENTS had no idea how she was feeling - and of course they should not, this matter is between the two of them, she is correct to have been pleasant and polite to his parents.

 

Right. She was having a good time with them and even told her boyfriend to go with his Dad to watch the game.

 

He's suppose to know she wasn't okay with it? Then why offer?

 

It's mixed messages.

[BaileyB]

Right. She was having a good time with them and even told her boyfriend to go with his Dad to watch the game.

 

He's suppose to know she wasn't okay with it? Then why offer?

 

It's mixed messages.

 

I think it’s called “making the most of a bad situation...” It’s the socially appropriate thing to do. Would you have preferred if she pouted and refused to spend time with his parents? It sounds like she made her feeling known, it didn’t matter... The situation is what it is, so you put a smile on and agree to have this discussion at a later date. I would have done the same.

[babybrowns]

Right. She was having a good time with them and even told her boyfriend to go with his Dad to watch the game.

 

He's suppose to know she wasn't okay with it? Then why offer?

 

It's mixed messages.

 

Oh I had indeed communicated my feelings to him several times, calmly towards the start of the vacation when he told me of his intentions and then we started having arguments on this later as I saw he wasn’t taking my feelings into consideration at all. He didn’t keep his side of the compromise we had reached. I only told him to go watch the game with his dad since he had expressed his intentions to do that earlier (his dad really wanted to too and I didn’t want to disappoint either of them), I then watched it on my own.

Edited August 19, 2018 by babybrowns

[amaysngrace]

Oh I had indeed communicated my feelings to him several times, calmly towards the start of the vacation when he told me of his intentions and then we started having arguments on this later as I saw he wasn’t taking my feelings into consideration at all. He didn’t keep his side of the compromise we had reached. I only told him to go watch the game with his dad since he had expressed his intentions to do that earlier (his dad really wanted to too and I didn’t want to disappoint either of them), I then watched it on my own.

 

The compromise you reached was seeing them one time for dinner even though he wanted to see them a few times.

 

Look I understand why you were upset but if you're going to move forward and live with or marry this man then two weeks of not having him all to yourself is really nothing.

 

There's good from this. His parents grew fond of you and you know them better now too. I don't know why you're focusing on the bad.

 

It happened and you can't go back and get a do over so why are you willing to throw your entire relation out over something that can't be changed now?

 

It just seems so daunting.

[Whodatdog]

I had to go read the OP again to make sure his parents werent staying in the same room with you. So they were staying, not in adjacent rooms, but adjacent hotels. It was a 2 week vacation. So did you see them and have dinner with them every night? Did you do things with them every day? Or did your bf spend some time with them, but also spend some alone time with you?

[BaileyB]

 

It happened and you can't go back and get a do over so why are you willing to throw your entire relation out over something that can't be changed now?.

 

Go back to look at her other posts... this latest situation is only a symptom of much bigger problems...

[Whodatdog]

Good grief. Why is this still a relationship?