Husband hasn't told his family he's married to me

[Lizzy123]

My husband and I will be married for 1 year later this month. He still has not told his family he is married to me.

 

Our marriage was very rushed, he and I are both overseas (he was working in the country I live in) and when he was about to be posted to another country, he proposed to me so that he could take me with him. I come from a conservative religious family where I cannot be with a man unless I am married to him. So he married me right away and told his family that we were engaged. Our plan was to formally get married in his country, with his family present, later that year. That never happened. We had a fair share of fights, arguments, and almost considered separating over the past year - we just couldnt get along. Things have calmed down a bit between us, but I am feeling that i have gotten the short end of the stick because he won't tell his family about being married to me. He says he only married me to take me to another country with him (so he wouldnt be alone?) but otherwise wouldnt have minded being unmarried. Also his parents dont like me because I am of a different ethnicity, race, and religion than they are. I think they are racist, he says they are not exposed (his family is British).

 

I am just so confused because a part of me strongly dislikes his family (for thinking they are superior to me) and doesnt really want to care for them. A part of me wants him to stick up for me to them... it feels like we are half married. This whole situation just makes NO SENSE to me! what have I done??

 

Is marriage a piece of paper? is it a state of mind? if he thinks us being together and committed is okay and enough (for now), is that ok? Am i being a fool for being half married?

[stillafool]

Are you two in love? You said he only married you to take you to another country as company. What does he say when you ask him why he doesn't tell his family he married you?

[Lizzy123]

He just says that his parents have to get used to it and accept it.. so I should give them time.. I havent spoken to them or seen them since 7 months ago - he speaks to them weekly, but I am never mentioned during their phone calls. All of this is fine with me because I realized I just dont like them. I visited them 7 months ago and tried but they were just not interested in me, and treated me like a regular visitor.

 

Are we in love? Well we thought we were, but my gut feeling is that we were infatuated with each other, and then it died off shortly after we got married. Our intimate life is nearly non-existent (i'd say maybe a twice a month) and we are barely affectionate.. It has made me feel a bit depressed...

[Mr. Lucky]

Are we in love? Well we thought we were, but my gut feeling is that we were infatuated with each other, and then it died off shortly after we got married. Our intimate life is nearly non-existent (i'd say maybe a twice a month) and we are barely affectionate.. It has made me feel a bit depressed...

 

Not sure how quick I'd be to tell my family of such a marriage either.

 

Do you honestly see a future here?

 

Mr. Lucky

[d0nnivain]

In a good marriage you leave your family of origin (parents) & make your spouse your primary focus. He's got this backwards.

 

However, if you are from such a conservative family / country what will happen to you if you divorce?

 

Is marriage counseling available to you where you are now?

 

Where's the love?

[Lizzy123]

Not sure how quick I'd be to tell my family of such a marriage either.

 

Do you honestly see a future here?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

He calls me his wife, treats me like a wife, and says he wants to put our marriage first. He prefers to leave his parents out of all of this, or anything having to do with me, so I dont ask. This "marriage" is just in limbo and makes no sense to me. I'm guessing a marriage should be as clear as possible between 2 people before they get married, right...?

 

I just can't distance myself from the situation and hence cant see deal with this sensibly

[Lizzy123]

In a good marriage you leave your family of origin (parents) & make your spouse your primary focus. He's got this backwards.

 

However, if you are from such a conservative family / country what will happen to you if you divorce?

 

Is marriage counseling available to you where you are now?

 

Where's the love?

 

I feel like I have lost all perspective...something happened to me along the past year and I just dont feel like myself. I just do not understand the state I am in.

 

If we divorced, I'd move on with life.. find a job in a different country and move on, or move back home. I did quit my job and basically give up my life to move with him... I think that is why I am just depressed and confused.

[carhill]

To clarify, OP, and welcome to LS, you're now living in-country with your spouse and expect to continue the current living situation indefinitely?

 

If so, I'd focus on the marriage and leave his family, which he doesn't apparently seem too enamored with, to the side.

 

How proximate is your family and how do they feel about the marriage, as comparison? If H interacts with your family, how does that go?

 

Usually, marriage is a 'cleave to one's spouse' thing and outsiders are secondary. I get how you'd like to be accepted by all but sometimes that's not how life works out.

 

I saw that markedly with my wife's niece, who's German, and who married an Armenian. The groom's parents were so militant that they stood the bride and groom up at the Armenian marriage service and my wife (exW now) had to stand in for them in the ceremony. Epic stuff. Later, the groom denied his parents access to their first-born child. Sad, but that's how things go sometimes. The marriage survives, now over ten years and close to twenty together.

 

Good luck with your marriage. It is what you and your H make of it. You're a team.

[Lizzy123]

To clarify, OP, and welcome to LS, you're now living in-country with your spouse and expect to continue the current living situation indefinitely?

 

If so, I'd focus on the marriage and leave his family, which he doesn't apparently seem too enamored with, to the side.

 

How proximate is your family and how do they feel about the marriage, as comparison? If H interacts with your family, how does that go?

 

Usually, marriage is a 'cleave to one's spouse' thing and outsiders are secondary. I get how you'd like to be accepted by all but sometimes that's not how life works out.

 

I saw that markedly with my wife's niece, who's German, and who married an Armenian. The groom's parents were so militant that they stood the bride and groom up at the Armenian marriage service and my wife (exW now) had to stand in for them in the ceremony. Epic stuff. Later, the groom denied his parents access to their first-born child. Sad, but that's how things go sometimes. The marriage survives, now over ten years and close to twenty together.

 

Good luck with your marriage. It is what you and your H make of it. You're a team.

Thank you Carhill. I will take your advice to heart. I think I want him to stand up for me and to defend me.. and if it doesn't work then at least I wont be his secret wife to his family anymore. My family have welcomed him with open arms.. they spoil him.. So thats why I feel pretty crap in comparison.

 

We dont feel like a team.. there is just so much distance and disconnect between us (he doesnt realize a thing when I point it out) and I just cant put my finger on it, but our marriage feels so empty.

 

I tried marriage counseling (on my own, before I moved to live with him) but it was discouraging as I paid a huge sum of money and several sessions later, I still did not feel like anything in my head was clear..

 

thank you for your response.

[BaileyB]

I'm trying to understand why you would marry a man who's family you do not like, and who keeps you a secret from them?

 

Have you actually met his family? How do you know that they feel superior to you - have they told you this, or are you relying on his word?

 

What is actually more concerning to me is that you say you have had your share of fights, arguments, and you have considered separating. This is your first year of marriage... Yes, it can be hard adjusting to another person but this is the honeymoon period of your relationship. There shouldn't be this much conflict in your relationship and your intimate life should not be "non-existent."

 

The fact that you went to marriage counselling all alone is very telling. I'm sorry, I don't see how this is going to have a happy ending for you. You say that you have lost yourself in this marriage. I would go back for individual counselling to decide what you want for your life and make the decisions about whether you plan to stay in this marriage or not. Good luck.

[Mr. Lucky]

I just cant put my finger on it, but our marriage feels so empty.

 

Really Lizzy123, you can't put your finger on it ?

 

Very little sex, claims he married you out of convenience, lots of fighting and he won't tell his family he's got a wife? Could that be it?

 

Not sure what you're so reluctant to identify cause and effect...

 

Mr. Lucky

[awesomeblondie]

He says he only married me to take me to another country with him (so he wouldnt be alone?) but otherwise wouldnt have minded being unmarried.

 

That sounds like a very one sided relationship. It doesn't sound like he is completely invested in your relationship. He even explicitly said that he wouldn't mind not being with you! He clearly doesn't respect your relationship if he can't even acknowledge your marriage to his family (who clearly disrespect you). If the beginning of your marriage is so rocky, it is very unlikely that it will improve.

 

Is marriage a piece of paper? is it a state of mind? if he thinks us being together and committed is okay and enough (for now), is that ok? Am i being a fool for being half married?

 

Marriage is whatever you want it to be. It sounds like his idea of marriage does not match your idea of marriage. There are some clear compatibility issues that continue to come up again and again.

 

Bottom line: I think you deserve to be with someone who will reciprocate you commitment, who will make you happy, who will respect you and your relationship, and who will be more compatible with you.

[Lizzy123]

I'm trying to understand why you would marry a man who's family you do not like, and who keeps you a secret from them?

 

Have you actually met his family? How do you know that they feel superior to you - have they told you this, or are you relying on his word?

 

What is actually more concerning to me is that you say you have had your share of fights, arguments, and you have considered separating. This is your first year of marriage... Yes, it can be hard adjusting to another person but this is the honeymoon period of your relationship. There shouldn't be this much conflict in your relationship and your intimate life should not be "non-existent."

 

The fact that you went to marriage counselling all alone is very telling. I'm sorry, I don't see how this is going to have a happy ending for you. You say that you have lost yourself in this marriage. I would go back for individual counselling to decide what you want for your life and make the decisions about whether you plan to stay in this marriage or not. Good luck.

 

All your points are valid. I dont know what happened -- After marrying, we lived seperately for the first 6 months (I was working and wasnt ready to give up everything to move to a very poor underdeveloped country where he works) and somehow there was so much pressure and blame that the burden was on me - for not moving so quickly. I couldnt tell if he was gaslighting me or not but all of a sudden, everything was my fault. There was no respect in our marriage. When I confronted him before moving to join him, I told him how much he had damaged our relationship... he apologized and said if i moved we could work on it and start our new life together, etc. I moved - he has improved, but I feeling empty and lost here. He doesnt seem to understand me, and I feel like I am asking for too much if I try to ask him to empathize. I confronted him about how we had NO plan for our marriage (it was rushed) and he keeps saying "whats the big deal? we'll figure it out. I dont have ALL the answers!" and I keep saying to him, "no, there are fundamental things we dont know... family.. kids.. where we'll live.. religion.. culture..finances.." and he sort of tells me these things can be easily sorted and he's tired that I keep mentioning it. I start thinking.. okay.. maybe its me here who has it wrong... and hence the disconnect... which grows even larger.. and i dont know if i am feeling miserable and contributing nothing to this marriage, or if this marriage just wasnt right to begin with.

 

We never got around to taking our honeymoon (first 6 months we were both working and it was hard to travel) and we never even talk about taking it anymore. And then he says "oh our one year is coming up, what would you like as a gift" and my thoughts are, are you effing kidding me? what are we celebrating? We are rarely affectionate. Confrontations are difficult because he is always defensive. I have read on and on about effective communication in marriage, so I have tried all the tactics, but when he gets defensive, I somehow end up feeling like i am in the wrong. or that i just dont get it. Perhaps its my self confidence that I have lost.

 

I dont have much of a life in this country besides reading, gym, and watching movies. I dont work anymore which heavily affected me, but he said it was fine and I should adjust and be patient... I dont have financial independence.. and i have had trouble making friends. I'm also feeling isolated--- which is probably why i feel so effed up in my head and cant do anything for the life of me. I'm going to resume my counselling.

 

Thank you Bailey

[Lizzy123]

Really Lizzy123, you can't put your finger on it ?

 

Very little sex, claims he married you out of convenience, lots of fighting and he won't tell his family he's got a wife? Could that be it?

 

Not sure what you're so reluctant to identify cause and effect...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Mr Lucky, I know it sounds obvious and the reason I came to this forum was for clarity. I know 100% that I cannot grasp or understand what I am going through. With all of this happening, and then him saying "I want to make you happy, you are my priority" and he does genuinely try but I feel like we are on such opposite ends of the spectrum. We don't fight anymore, because we have realize (or I have) that our communication and understanding of each other is so poor.. so we rarely have confrontations. Come to think of it, we dont really talk about anything substantial, just day to day things.. its sort of like we are just dating.. there is no depth.. and i dont understand where its supposed to come from, because when i do try with him he always responds and says "he doesnt know what to say" or "cant read my mind" and i feel like i am speaking a foreign language or i cam complicating things. We have established the fact that he doesnt know how to empathize - in order to understand situations, gauge emotions (am i happy or sad) etc.

 

He says he married me and brought me here because he loves me, I guess a part of me was blindsided and in denial about the "convenience" part. I takr responsibility, because I did not challenge him enough before our marriage and moving, and it just feels we are such different people.

 

Thanks Mr Lucky for pointing me to this.

[Lizzy123]

That sounds like a very one sided relationship. It doesn't sound like he is completely invested in your relationship. He even explicitly said that he wouldn't mind not being with you! He clearly doesn't respect your relationship if he can't even acknowledge your marriage to his family (who clearly disrespect you). If the beginning of your marriage is so rocky, it is very unlikely that it will improve.

 

 

 

Marriage is whatever you want it to be. It sounds like his idea of marriage does not match your idea of marriage. There are some clear compatibility issues that continue to come up again and again.

 

Bottom line: I think you deserve to be with someone who will reciprocate you commitment, who will make you happy, who will respect you and your relationship, and who will be more compatible with you.

 

Thanks Awesomeblondie, I guess this is just what I needed to hear. I feel so lost and empty in this marriage and I couldnt tell if it was me who needed fixing or just the marriage itself being a wrong decision.

[BaileyB]

I confronted him about how we had NO plan for our marriage (it was rushed) and he keeps saying "whats the big deal? we'll figure it out. I dont have ALL the answers!" and I keep saying to him, "no, there are fundamental things we dont know... family.. kids.. where we'll live.. religion.. culture..finances.." and he sort of tells me these things can be easily sorted and he's tired that I keep mentioning it.

 

I dont have much of a life in this country besides reading, gym, and watching movies. I dont work anymore which heavily affected me, but he said it was fine and I should adjust and be patient... I dont have financial independence.. and i have had trouble making friends. I'm also feeling isolated--- which is probably why i feel so effed up in my head and cant do anything for the life of me.

 

With all due respect Lizzy, those are HUGE things. There is a reason why it is recommended that couples do premarital counselling together - it's because they need to have this conversation BEFORE they get married to be sure that they have the same values, the same goals, the same life plan.

 

I'm sorry to say it, but it feels almost like you have found yourself in an abusive relationship - isolated, unable to work and have any independence outside the home, no control of the finances, and a husband who dismisses your feelings and turns everything around to tell you that he is right, and you are wrong.

 

I would get counselling, in my own country. I think you have to leave, this man and his country, where you are miserable. I would pack my bags and go home to my family before the end of the day... Good luck.

[BTDT2012]

How long did you know him before you married him? It seems to me that you need clarity about what it is that you want and need. Your life has changed drastically.

[Lizzy123]

Thanks Bailey. Your words have started to clear up alot of haziness in my head (I know your words are obvious, but I still need to hear them out loud). I guess the confusion stems from the casualness at which he treats our relationship/marriage. He has a brief answer for everything I bring up (kids, living, religion, etc) and acts like I am making a big deal - It feels like either he does not understand the seriousness of marriage, or simply does not consider himself married. Probably the latter, hence no need to be so serious.

 

When I tell him I am unhappy here, he either tells me: a) I am looking for instant gratification and need to be more patient - I was stunned by his lack of empathy and understanding! or: b) he is trying his best. As a result, I feel guilty for wanting to pursue my career and have ambition. 4 months in this country, and I am now no longer upset that my career has been on hold or that I am no longer making money. Exactly the opposite of who I was 4 months ago. I have told him I find him cold and that he lacks empathy - something he also acknowledged and said he would work on.

 

I often find that I wonder how we got married. We are so different and it feels we don't really know eachother. We had a fight 2 months ago (about religion, he is atheist.. addressing issues that were never addressed to begin with) and he confessed that he was afraid of being alone and dying alone. So, my conclusion is: he isnt looking for love, intimacy, understanding, and all of the traits one would want in a spouse, he is looking for stability. Even at the cost of lack of affection. His latest tactic has been to offer me his credit card to shop and buy new things for myself... something I havent wanted to do because I feel unhappy. I dont think my happiness can be bought.

 

I could probably sit here and write more, but I think the fact that I feel this way is a strong indicator that things are just not right. I just need to make sure this is not all in my head - is it me, though? Am I being too rigid? I wonder if I am depressed and the reason why we can't seem to get along. If I were to change myself, would things improve? But I guess, like you said, I need to work on myself first.

 

I have decided to travel home next week for a break and will be moving to Europe in September for school. If you have any advice on how to confront these issues with him in a more decisive manner, I would be grateful. (My therapist has moved and is now charging $220/hr, so that won't be happening soon).

 

Thank you very much in advance for all your advice and time.

[Lizzy123]

How long did you know him before you married him? It seems to me that you need clarity about what it is that you want and need. Your life has changed drastically.

 

I knew him for 2 years including the 1 year we dated for. The strange thing is, I knew his posting would be ending and I never felt that we were quite right for marriage, so the relationship would come to the end of its course eventually. He proposed with a ring - I wanted extra time to think and discuss things, so I said yes (thinking we could think and discuss in the weeks/months to come). He put pressure on me to tell my family and said made me feel guilty for wanting time to think. He would say "why arent you excited? why are you afraid to tell your parents? Am i not good enough? How long will this take for you to decide" - in hindsight, he probably had a right to demand an answer (and now the tables have turned, and he is the one afraid to tell his family) and in hindsight, i should have stood my ground. Friends also told me to stop being so indecisive, to be fearless, and to just get married. In a way, I started doubting myself and decided to take a leap of faith.

 

During that time, I was also feeling stuck in my life - career wise and had been looking to go back to school and move to the US/UK. My mother had passed away 1.5 years before and I was still dealing with unresolved issues. I guess in my mind marriage seemed like a good direction to go in.

 

He and I never talked about our wants or needs... I know, now it sounds absolutely crazy to me. When I was thinking about not returning to him, it was after a fight, and I said to him "do you realize we dont even know what eachothers dreams or aspirations are?" he then said "I dont know. Fine, why dont you tell me what yours are" and I said "no. its the fact that we dont know and dont have these kinds of discussions that come naturally" he then got impatient (it was a messy fight over the phone) and said "well i am asking you now, and you are refusing to engage in dialogue with me".

 

I think its obvious. Should I try to fix it or find something that brings me peace? I know that I dont value myself.. the sad truth.. otherwise I wouldnt be writing these long messages (that have turned into rants, I apologize). Its just that I have lost my self confidence and dont know what to go. I dont know how to be true and honest to myself.

[BaileyB]

Lizzy, look up the word gaslighting. That is what he is doing to you that has gotten you all confused.

 

I'm glad to hear that you are going home and going back to school. Good for you! Just tell him, this isn't working out, I'm going home to go back to school, we need a break. And then, serve him with divorce papers.

[Mr. Lucky]

During that time, I was also feeling stuck in my life - career wise and had been looking to go back to school and move to the US/UK. My mother had passed away 1.5 years before and I was still dealing with unresolved issues. I guess in my mind marriage seemed like a good direction to go in.

 

Very few marriages, where one or both partners entered in because they weren't quite sure what else to do, turn out successfully. Even many of the fully committed don't make it.

 

My advice - at this point, you should work on you rather than the relationship...

 

Mr. Lucky

[anika99]

OP I don't think your husband is abusive or gas lighting you. I just think he knows you are unhappy but he can't fix that for you so because he doesn't know how to help he just brushes your concerns aside. I followed a boyfriend far from home once when I was very young. I found myself in a new place with no family or friends. Couldn't even get a job because I didn't speak the language. I was very unhappy and blamed it all on my boyfriend but it wasn't his fault and he couldn't fix it for me. I went home within 6 months because I couldn't hack it. Probably takes at least a year to acclimate to a new location but I was too young to endure it.

 

Given that you are so unhappy and that you married in haste it might be best to end the marriage and return home. Both you and your husband made a mistake. He is not a villain.

[sandylee1]

With everything you've said about him, I think divorce is the way to go.

 

You don't agree on fundamental things like children and religion. Sounds like he just wanted a companion and you can do better with a more compatible man.

 

He's really not the one for you. You were happy for the relationship to come to an end. That tells you It's not right.