zara-ka Posted July 16, 2018 Share Posted July 16, 2018 I have never done this before, but I have reached a point in my life where I dont know what to do. So I thought maybe it would help talking with other people who has gone through this. I had a very difficult childhood, got left by my father and 2 stepfathers. So i have grown up with extreme trust issues. This boyfriend i had, was my first after 5 years. So you can say I invested a lot in that. He studies in another town, so i was the one who flew down there all the time. He never flew up to me..but he said that was cause he couldnt afford it. I gave everything in that relationship, so much love. But the insecurity got in the way and we had a lot of fights about it. In may i found messages in his phone with another girl, where he asked her to come over. I confronted him and he started crying, and begged for forgiveness. So i forgave him. After that I had to fly home, and i felt horrible. Couldnt stop thinking about it and cried a lot in the phone with him. I guess it didnt help... When we met up again and agreed on trying to make it work, i found new messages. And he had made a profile on tinder. This broke my heart, this time he didnt fight for me he said that he loved me but he wanted to be single and not being "controlled" by anyone. Even then i fought for him and kind of pleaded to give it another chance, but it didnt work. We broke up, and it took him like 5 days before he slept with a new girl. Started following bunch of girls on Insta and meeting up with them. I dont know, i just feel so worthless, like i meant nothing. Since he moved on so easily. He deleted me from all social media, and said he couldnt have me there cause it was difficult seeing my name and that it made him miss me. So he kind of dissappeard from my life, and I dont know i cant eat, i cant sleep, i cry all the time. I just feel so full of feelings that i did everything wrong, and that he will now be with one of these girls and replace me. I know this is very stupid, and i feel stupid writing this. But I really dont know what to do.... Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 16, 2018 Share Posted July 16, 2018 Having somebody betray you is heartbreaking. It's OK to cry & be upset. You identified some other issues. Your abandonment issues & trust issues did not make your EX cheat on him. He decided to do that all on his own. Even if he felt overwhelmed by whatever your issues were he could have simply broken up with you. He didn't have to take the low road & cheat. Given how many men also abandoned your mother, She probably gave you poor tools to pick quality men. Consider therapy to build your own self esteem & learn tools to help yourself spot red flags & either avoid them or refuse to put up with them earlier. In this relationship you always having to go to him & him crying poverty were issues worth taking a closer look at. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author zara-ka Posted July 16, 2018 Author Share Posted July 16, 2018 Thank you so much for your reply. I actually started crying reading it, because I didnt think anyone would reply. Of course, it was his choice doing that to me. But its the "why" that i'm holding on to. Why did he cheat on me, why did it take him so short time to sleep with new girls. I know my self esteem is not at its best, I think that why I sit and visualize him beeing with other girls all the time and starts crying about it. It breaks my heart and I dont know why I cant stop myself. I may be having problems with moving on because I was hoping he would apologize for doing that to me. I dont know... I just feel so alone and having panick attacks everyday about this.. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 16, 2018 Share Posted July 16, 2018 You know many women grew up with their bio dads and really good fathers but were still made to feel insecure by men who cheated on them. So don't think that has anything to do with it. How are you and your ex? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 16, 2018 Share Posted July 16, 2018 You are not alone. There are lots of people out here. Reach out to somebody: a friend, a therapist, a religious figure, love shack, somebody. Get involved in a group & attend the events. Get some therapy to control the panic attacks. You will be fine. Hang in there. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author zara-ka Posted July 16, 2018 Author Share Posted July 16, 2018 Yes, I know. My friends also have told me they are insecure too, and that I shouldnt blame myself. And i dont really, but of course i think things like "what if i had'nt mentioned those messages, or what is i didnt get insecure about those stuff". I know that is not my fault but... Well, we talk sometimes on SMS, I am always the one initiating. He sometimes send me messages asking me "How are you?" i feel its pity messages actually.. Things between us is OK, but it feels so unfair that he was the one cheating and ending it, and to top it all he was the one sleeping with someone new just 5 days after the break up. How can I stop thinking about him, and stop being sad about this new girls replacing me. I just need advice on how, cause I am talking to my friends, and i am doing stuff but it isnt working... Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 16, 2018 Share Posted July 16, 2018 The break up is fresh. There is no off switch. You have to go through the grieving process. It sucks but it's part of the healing process. It's like a scab for your heart. Spend time with your friends. Self soothe. Do nice things for yourself. If you haven't purged him from your life so that now: Off the SMS, off social media, delete his # from your contacts, get rid of the mementos & the photos. Link to post Share on other sites
Author zara-ka Posted July 16, 2018 Author Share Posted July 16, 2018 Yes, I know. I've deleted all the photos, but everyday a new one shows up. Its like the universe wont let me forget about him... I am going to delete his number too... and I have already logged off all social media. I just feel like a looser cause i have been texting him and contacting him asking if we can meet up. Of course he wanted to meet up too. But i feel like such a looser cause I have been the one contacting him and asking him... but i wont do it anymore. I am done with this constant hurt. I just want to go through it and move on to something that actually makes me happy. But, do you think he will regret loosing me? Or do you think he will forget me.. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 16, 2018 Share Posted July 16, 2018 You are not a loser. You are a person who is in the throws of a break up. that makes everybody sad & zaps their self esteem. I don't know if he will regret it. I doubt he'll complete forget you but you probably won't be somebody he thinks about often. Sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
sdraw108 Posted July 17, 2018 Share Posted July 17, 2018 I know this is very stupid, and i feel stupid writing this. Hey, it is absolutely not stupid, and you are not stupid for writing this. Your ex boyfriend was the one who wronged you, not the other way around. Being abandoned in this way is very painful and what you are feeling is normal. The bad news is that you will not feel better over night. You will have awful days but also the occasional nice moment. Over time, the nice moments will start to outnumber the bad ones. At times it will feel like an emotional rollercoaster ride, and you will crash after thinking you had made a lot of progress. But the overall direction is up. The good news is that eventually you will be perfectly fine, and none of this will matter anymore. When you get there, you will realise that you deserve better than someone like that. Once you are healed enough to be thinking about dating again, do take the opportunity to reflect back on this relationship and try to spot the signs that you missed the first time around ("red flags"). If you learn something from this experience and end up with someone nicer next time, then it won't have been for nothing. I'm sorry that you're going through this. I went through something similar last year and I'll still recovering. I still get frequent nightmares and some nights I feel miserable. But on the whole I'm doing a hell of a lot better than I was in those first few weeks (it's been about 8 months). Distractions help. I found it really useful to fill up my diary with as many social activities as I possibly could. Stay strong and don't give up. When you're feeling really bad, remind yourself that this is like work: you are "paying" for your future happiness by motoring on through these bad times. The reward will come eventually. Link to post Share on other sites
sdraw108 Posted July 17, 2018 Share Posted July 17, 2018 One more thing. Don't let this idiot contribute towards an abandonment complex. He is the one at fault here. His actions describe what kind of person he is, not what kind of person you are. There are plenty of nice guys out there who would never dream of doing what he did. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted July 17, 2018 Share Posted July 17, 2018 I think you maybe got in the habit of blaming yourself for crap ever since your rough childhood. Him being a jerk isn't your fault. But it is true what D0nnivain said that you probably didn't have good role models to know how to pick more ethical men. This isn't your fault though. But it would be good to just decide to quit a man as soon as he shows a sign of being dishonest or cheating and not try to work it out. Usually there are early red flags. These may be things you're used to so much that they seem normal (from childhood) but when someone is lying or hiding things from you, early on, you know they're not trustworthy. There are people who really won't cheat on you, but there's probably more who will. We've nearly all been cheated on. It's nothing you want to forgive and forget any more than any other abuse is. You just have to realize he's not the man you hoped he'd be when you fell for him. Again, it happens to all of us. Once you really acknowledge he simply wasn't the person you thought he was, it's easier to let it go. People are on their best behavior the first months of a relationship, but they can't keep it up forever. It always amazes me that there aren't more people who treat others the way they want to be treated. It's a lack of empathy, and I don't think people like that are even capable of love. Keep your chin up. You can do better. I'm so glad you blocked him and just stay off his social media and all that. Don't torture yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Doost Posted July 17, 2018 Share Posted July 17, 2018 I read everything you wrote and it will be ok. I wish I was there to give you a really good hug Link to post Share on other sites
Author zara-ka Posted July 17, 2018 Author Share Posted July 17, 2018 Thank you guys so much! Cant believe you took time to reply me about this.. I appreciate it so much❤️ And I am taking every word to the heart. I think that the root of my problem is that since I could never make my father stay, I always try to make everyone else stay. Like, what ever they do to me I just cant let them go. So i fight for them, Just to make them stay; since I never was able to with my father. He cheated on me and still I was stupid enough to try to make him stay, I am so emberassed just thinking about it I have been seeing a therapist about my problems for a year, and I know i struggle alot with abondenment. I feel a bit better today tho, I have been waking up with this i dont know, it feels like a big black heavy chunk in my belly. So I start crying and cant eat. Today that chunk feels smaller. Maybe it is because i talked about it! I havent been talking about this for a long time, just been sitting alone and cried. I just wished he could apoligize at least you know? i wouldnt taken him back but i think him apologizing would give me a feeling of that i actually was worth something to him, that he really loved me.. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted July 22, 2018 Share Posted July 22, 2018 Rejection is a tough one, but don't take it personally...some people can't explain it but the importance of the relationship to them will run it's course, and as hard it was for him to say no, he knew he needed to move on because his heart wasn't in it anymore. And believe me no one wants it to happen, it just does naturally He most likely cares and that is why he doesn't want to hurt you any further by blocking you so you don't see what is going on in his life. He's doing you a favor, so you can work through the grief and get back to normal quicker. It's worse being on the s&^% end of the breakup, but as time goes forward, the waves of pain become less frequent, and you don't wakeup with him on your mind anymore. Your life becomes priority, and it starts to feel good again. Hang in there *hugs* Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts