Is this normal?

[LittleLost]

I have been with my partner for 19 years (no children together but I have two sons from a previous relationship) and our relationship is so unequal. We both earn a good salary but all my money goes into paying bills, decorating, Christmas etc and he gives me 150 per week towards everything. He smokes weed and spends 50 every two days and still has money in the bank but I am constantly struggling having to plan months ahead ( for example I am doing my driving lessons but can’t afford a car another six months but he has a car and now wants to get a bike too as he can afford it). Sorry if I am driving on! We have never had an holiday together (not even a weekend) and he just wont go away with me - he works away all over the world, out every night and I don’t leave the house apart from work, shopping ad gym. He often a rings me wen he is away calling me a cheater and putting me down, then apologies and says it is coz he is missing me, so I don’t leave the house wen he is away because it is just easier... I do all cooking, house work, finances, most of the decorating (he is very handy with diy and will spend a few weeks every few years doing jobs - but then nothing at alll! And most jobs never get finished). We go for something to eat once or twice a year but that’s it. He is a very angry person and I am wary speaking to him about how depressed I am and it just ends up with me feeling like I am wrong for asking for a life. I don’t know wat to do, I have severe anxiety when I am around him or wen I know he is in his way home (I have tried to sort this out and wen he is in a good mood he agrees that things are wrong and that things will change but I have that for years and it’s just the same.) I thought he was my best friend but wouldn’t he want me to be happy? Am I wrong to feel so sad all the time? is this normal?

[Happy Lemming]

Can you clarify a few things for me...

 

It sounds like you own the home the two of you are living in and he is paying $150/week (almost like a room and board situation)?? Are you thinking he should be paying more?? If so, can you discuss an increase in the weekly fee he is paying?? What do you think should be fair for "room and board"??

 

You also stated that you have been together for 19 years, but you have no children together. Can I make the assumption that your children are grown adults?? If so, why are you supporting them?? Are they in college??

[BaileyB]

I'm sorry, you have stayed with an angry man who uses drugs, emotionally abuses you, and takes advantage of you financially for 19 years because... Why, exactly? Of course you are feeling sad all the time, this is not a healthy relationship for you.

 

My friend, it's been 19 years so far and things have not changed, how much longer do you think you should have to wait?

 

The best relationships are those that benefit both partners. What do you gain from this relationship? Because, I'm hard pressed to see any reason why you have stayed so long or why you would stay with this man for even another day...

Edited July 16, 2018 by BaileyB

[bathtub-row]

Yes, this is completely normal — for an abusive relationship. I recommend the book “Why Does He Do That?” and you’ll understand the games this jerk is playing with you. Make sure he doesn’t see the book because it will anger him to no end.

 

I think you already know this is not a good or healthy relationship in any way, shape, or form. All abusers say the same thing — they know they treat you badly, will try really hard to change, blah, blah, blah. I suggest that you get your ducks in a row, do not tell him your plans, and exit that relationship with as much speed and money as possible.

[LittleLost]

Thank you for your comments. I honestly feel abit foolish because my brain is telling me how unhealthy this relationship is and that it will never changed, and I would be the first to say leave if someone else posted this, I just don’t know how to take that step and get him to go.

I don’t support my sons, they both have full time jobs and partners, and the house is mine. I did try to leave him a few years ago and (after a lot of destroying of the furniture) he went. Two months later he just walked through the door late one night (I really nearly fainted and couldn’t stop shaking). I had only just started leaving it unlocked. I don’t even know why I didn’t just tell him to go then.

[BaileyB]

I would suggest that you pack his things and put them in storage next time he goes away for work...

 

Or, contact a lawyer and file the paperwork required to get him out of the house.

 

The sad reality is, you may have lived with him so long that you are considered common-law and as such, he will have some right to your joint assets. Again, this is why you need to find yourself a good lawyer.

 

Do you have the ability to get some counselling? If not, call a women's shelter and ask for information and assistance. There are people who would help you to make this decision and get him out of your home, when you are ready. But please, don't waste too much more time. You will start to feel better about yourself and your future when you get him out of your home and your life.

[bathtub-row]

Honey, unless you actually live in Shangrala, do not EVER leave your doors unlocked while you’re sleeping. The truth is, locking the doors of your home pretty much at all times should be a basic habit. To me, not doing this is very indicative of people who have poor boundaries. Yes, there are exceptions to this if a person's kids are running in and out - that kind of thing - but as a general rule, it’s not smart to leave things where anyone at anytime can walk right into your home.

 

The thing is, you underestimate this man in every way. He has used you and played you for years and years. Do yourself a favor and recognize that what you feel about him is a form of hysterical bonding. He has abused you to the point that you don’t know how to extract yourself from him. You first need to wake up to the person he actually is. That book I recommended is a great place to start. He is much more of a monster than you can fathom. The problem is, as long as you stay clueless, you’ll never get off of this hamster wheel you’re on.

[Happy Lemming]

I don’t even know why I didn’t just tell him to go then.

 

Very simple answer, because you don't want him to leave...

 

You want to stay in this relationship, you have no desire to extricate yourself from this situation, so what will make it more palatable?? More "room and board" funds?? Less drug use?? less arguing?? more help around the house with day to day chores?? Pick which the items most important to you and talk to him. Be prepared to compromise, though.

[inpeices]

I have been with my partner for 19 years (no children together but I have two sons from a previous relationship) and our relationship is so unequal. We both earn a good salary but all my money goes into paying bills, decorating, Christmas etc and he gives me 150 per week towards everything. He smokes weed and spends 50 every two days and still has money in the bank but I am constantly struggling having to plan months ahead ( for example I am doing my driving lessons but can’t afford a car another six months but he has a car and now wants to get a bike too as he can afford it). Sorry if I am driving on! We have never had an holiday together (not even a weekend) and he just wont go away with me - he works away all over the world, out every night and I don’t leave the house apart from work, shopping ad gym. He often a rings me wen he is away calling me a cheater and putting me down, then apologies and says it is coz he is missing me, so I don’t leave the house wen he is away because it is just easier... I do all cooking, house work, finances, most of the decorating (he is very handy with diy and will spend a few weeks every few years doing jobs - but then nothing at alll! And most jobs never get finished). We go for something to eat once or twice a year but that’s it. He is a very angry person and I am wary speaking to him about how depressed I am and it just ends up with me feeling like I am wrong for asking for a life. I don’t know wat to do, I have severe anxiety when I am around him or wen I know he is in his way home (I have tried to sort this out and wen he is in a good mood he agrees that things are wrong and that things will change but I have that for years and it’s just the same.) I thought he was my best friend but wouldn’t he want me to be happy? Am I wrong to feel so sad all the time? is this normal?

 

No it is not normal, and actually you are in a very dangerous predicament.

You have access to the forum here so does this mean you can write freely without being 'caught' Because if he finds out and is the type I think he Is, you will be shut down rapidly and we may never hear from you again?

Can you verify you are safe? Please write back and let us know and we will try to help you further. You are not alone x

[anika99]

When I first started reading your post I thought it was just a matter of telling your partner to grow up and start paying the bills like an adult, but as read on I realized that you are actually in a very emotionally and mentally abusive relationship.

 

No part of this is normal or healthy but you have been with him 19yrs and you already know that. He isn't going to change, you can't fix him. Is this the way you want to spend the rest of your life? If it isn't then it's time to plan a safe exit. I would call your local woman's shelter or abuse hotline and see what advice or resources they can offer.

[Lotsgoingon]

Be honest: does the threat of violence hang in the air? As in you fear that he'll act violently and retaliate when you break up with him?

 

He came into your home earlier ... and yet you returned to relationship with him. That was a major no-no ... basically indicated you were OK with him trespassing and violating your space. Like that's the kinda of thing you really want to call the police for. Pay attention to that shaking body.

 

So you have basically colluded in the process living with and being used by a deadbeat. Which now means the process of breaking up with him will take a bit more work. I say this not to demoralize you but to give you a precise sense of what you're facing.

 

Consult police, talk to attorneys, talk to brothers ... male and female friends ... talk to the sheriff's (eviction) office ... consult with a therapist (great idea to strengthen the skills that would allow you to say no to losers like this guy ... even if he is charismatic) ... Consult widely so you can think clearly and then outsmart this guy ... and outsmart your own foolish side that took him back after he violated your space.

 

You do NOT want to stay in relationship under the threat--even distance--of violence.

 

Know this: if you fear a guy won't leave, that's a sign that this isn't a worthwhile guy--I don't care how charismatic this is.

 

And don't be too hard on yourself. Sometimes there are problems we notice in others ... But with ourselves, we have to actually notice and do the work of resolving the problem. Being where you are right now ... is a step on the journey to a new independent you who dates guys who go out of their way to create a fully equal and loving relationship.

 

Push all sense of embarrassment or shame aside ... Tell the police when you consult with them--everything! ... Pot ... bills ... start telling people everything about this guy so they get a full picture and can help you plan and strategize accordingly. And by telling the full details of bf (including the foolishness you have indulged or pretended not to notice) you're also doing something else quite crucial. You're pushing yourself out of denial ... you are facing up to the uncomfortable truths you have not wanted to face.

 

I had an ex that was out of control--nasty and vicious ... And her bullying had worn me down ... and i was not great at standing up for myself. In finally sent out an email to like 30 friends to go public with her behavior and to hold myself accountable for ending the relationship. I also needed to vent as I had been editing my conversations about her to minimize her insanity and rage and bullying.

 

So maybe even an email to a lot of people you know. Disclose all the embarrassing stuff ... trust me ... once you get through the crisis, you will have a gold mine of humor. (Yes, that's a few years away.)

 

Anyway, this will be great for your growth and development--but yes, this will required some work and thought and courage ... but USE your friends and family.

 

Literally "use" them here! And by use them I mean something specific and powerful other than getting their help. I mean if this guy resists leaving, you are going to ask friends and family and colleagues and public officials and police for help ... and you are NOT going to think about how you can pay people back for their help.

 

No, to get through this, you may need help and you do NOT want to promise you will pay people back or take them to dinner. You are in receiving mode. Later, you'll give to people when their crises emerge. For now, you are taking as much support and friendship and help as you need because this could be major. No promises to pay people back--that only creates guilt and inadequacy feelings. That's extremely important.

 

Call landlords. Call anyone you can for clarity and assistance with getting him out after you break up and keeping him out.

Edited July 24, 2018 by Lotsgoingon

[BluesPower]

No it is stupid...

 

This dope head bum has been living off of you for 19 years and giving you 150 buck a MONTH.

 

Yeah, that is stupid. If he wanted to pay half then maybe 1050 a month.

 

He has been sponging off of you and I have no idea why you allowed it.

[Loveandobey]

I understand being trapped in a situation is ok but becomes worst day by day. What I did was, I made two lists - What I need and what I am willing to live with. Then you have to have an open discussion with him. Its not going to be easy but it will be a firs major step in allowing you to feel like you are taking control. Once you have had one discussion and some changes have been made you will begin to feel more confident to demand more. Stay strong and true to yourself.