Is it better to actively look to date vs not looking?

[Dodgersfan11]

Like in the dating world, for women, is it better to really look for guys to date, like going out to the bars/clubs/coffee shops vs. just meeting someone "unexpectedly." I notice some people just meet their spouses or long term partners while they were not looking for anything. Well, I haven't been looking for anything for years and nothing has changed. So, I now I'm putting myself out there.

[I'veseenbetterlol]

This works for some, but it never really worked for me. I did meet my ex when he was covering a shift at my work place, but after breaking up w/him I had terrible luck just "meeting" someone randomly. The one time I did get asked out by a guy on the street (tall good looking), he just wanted sex. I started online dating and a lot more luck there. I wouldn't have met my current bf if I hadn't put myself out there online.

[Doost]

I’m always on the hunt for a lucky lady

[carhill]

If one's job and/or customary social life doesn't put them in contact with eligible men, then yeah, it takes some effort. Men won't generally come knocking on one's door. This excludes electronic advertising. Also, modern legalities and social tone have put many otherwise compatible men off from cold approaches, so being more proactive as a woman is helpful, compared to in the past.

 

I was thinking how my father found out about my mother and met her today would be construed as stalking. Saw her picture in the newspaper and started hanging out where she worked and buying more clothes there in hopes of meeting her. He did

[Eternal Sunshine]

I have never met anyone "by chance" in my life. I can literally go years without meeting any single, attractive men. This was true even when I was in my 20s. Some of us just have "bad luck" that way. Even though I am an introvert, I do work full time, travel, go to cafes by myself and nothing. I know people that do less and meet the love of their life when they once decide to go fishing with their brother. Others meet their SO at work, again never happened to me. I always tend to work where 100% of men are married (again bad luck). I do have sleazy pick-up artist approach me on the street but not anyone I would even remotely be interested in.

 

 

 

So for me, I always had to look. Be it online or literally forcing myself to go to bars and clubs. Always felt kind of exhausting and forced to me. I have stopped a while ago as I don't really want a relationship at this point and it's not worth the effort.

[TheFinalWord]

Like in the dating world, for women, is it better to really look for guys to date, like going out to the bars/clubs/coffee shops vs. just meeting someone "unexpectedly." I notice some people just meet their spouses or long term partners while they were not looking for anything. Well, I haven't been looking for anything for years and nothing has changed. So, I now I'm putting myself out there.

 

Definition of insanity = doing the same things over and over again, and expecting a different outcome.

 

I can't tell you from a women's perspective, but unless a guy is a 10 in the looks dept., a movie/rock star, pro athlete, men have to actively seek out dates. It's a numbers game for men. Lots of rejection and flakes.

[basil67]

Going out to bars and clubs isn't so much as actively looking for dates. Rather it's about being in the general proximity of men who may be looking. You could equally go to a mixed gender sports activity, adult education or taking the dog to a dog park. If you don't go out, you won't meet people. That said, I find 'cafe' an odd choice because most are there to either chat with those they came with or have a quiet coffee on their own.

 

I've never been actively looking for relationships when they came to me, but I've always been open to the possibility. There's a difference.

[MaleIntuition]

Also, just going to a cafe is probably not enough. Most men don’t have the experience/confidence to cold approach without very clear signs, and those who does are honestly more likely to have player tendencies.

[guest569]

Hmm never met someone by chance who happened to be single, interested in dating AND interested in me. The odds are slim, so I go looking.

[act00]

The odds are obviously going to be better if you put yourself out there somehow, whether it's hobby groups and activities or online dating, letting friends know you're looking, which could result in a fix-up, or singles groups, etc, even bars. But as they say, sometimes the right one comes along when you're not actively seeking, and there's some truth to that, I think. Maybe you present a different aura of non-desperate? More confidence? I don't know, I but I think that if dating or actively seeking starts to get you down, it's a good idea to take a break and maybe reevaluate yourself and if there are some positive changes you can make to yourself or your life to make finding a mate more amenable...or just not worry so much.

 

In school, there was a smorgasbord of potential GF/BFs and you'd go out more. You grow up, you work full time, maybe kids, and you find you're not going out like you used to, and a lot of your friends and coworkers are married; it just shrinks the pool, so have to find other ways to put you in the path of another single, so I think if you want to date, you need to take those steps and be active, but have a balance with being open to a relationship and maintaining your single life happily until the right one comes along.

[Zippy2000]

Like in the dating world, for women, is it better to really look for guys to date, like going out to the bars/clubs/coffee shops vs. just meeting someone "unexpectedly." I notice some people just meet their spouses or long term partners while they were not looking for anything. Well, I haven't been looking for anything for years and nothing has changed. So, I now I'm putting myself out there.

 

 

 

Good for you! This will up your chances. Dating is like working in sales. Its like a business. For every 10 customers you ask. You will have at least one who will say "Yes". Some of us my have wider from 1 chance in 20.

 

 

Youre not going to win if you don't change your image you attitude. Ive always been looking and asking but I do get the rarer person who`s asked me out. However if I left it at that. Not everyone will pursue something. Why? Its because we fear rejection. I work in sales and its how you put yourself put there. What image do you create and how do you ask at the right time?

 

 

Remember this: "Shy kids don't get any sweeties".

[d0nnivain]

When people give the advice that you will find somebody when you are not looking, what they really mean is that you will find somebody when you stop acting desperate & giving off a needy vibe. There's a frenetic energy that is emitted by people who can't be alone & who have to have somebody / anybody in their lives. That can be a real turn off.

 

In contrast the mindset that I would like to find a quality partner accompanied by active steps to locate such a person is fine. When I decided to settle down I make a conscious effort to put myself out there, to attend at least one event each week, not just going to bars & clubs, with an effort to meet a long term partner. My search was deliberate but there was nothing desperate about it. I wasn't going to settle. I wanted something real.

 

Ironically when I first saw my husband he was so gorgeous that I, like most women, assumed he was a player. I hadn't found anybody datable in a while so I thought a player would be a refreshing change. Unlike most women, I enjoyed players. You can't give them your heart but they give great date. So I was open to a few weeks of "romance." Turns out my husband is the furthest thing from a player -- he's loyal, steadfast & kind of shy. I went in looking for a few weeks of fun; in the fall we will be married 10 years. So, yeah, I kinda wasn't looking for that.

[greymatter]

What is better depends on you and your life. There is no harm in looking and it definitely increases your changes, especially if nothing is happening for you when not looking.

 

I met my (ex) husband in my 20s when I was out during the day in my city. Post divorce, online dating was perfect for me because it made it easy to identify who is single and filter search results to have a better chance of finding someone compatible.

 

Meeting people IRL is great but you have to a) figure out if they are single and b) put yourself out there by asking them out which could work, or may not.

 

Either way is fine - but don't keep doing what isn't working and expect that someday it will. Being proactive has worked for me.

[Gaeta]

Depends on many factor. If you live in the south or the west coasts where people are out all year long sure you can meet someone randomly at the beach or local pub. If you live up north with snow up to your knees and -30 for 5 months out of the year I suggest you actively search as well by using online.

 

I didn't search at all for 7 years and no one knocked at my door. When I started actively searching it still took me 3 years to find a suitable partner.

 

When you want something in life don't leave it to chance.

 

 

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[Eternal Sunshine]

What is better depends on you and your life. There is no harm in looking and it definitely increases your changes, especially if nothing is happening for you when not looking.

 

I met my (ex) husband in my 20s when I was out during the day in my city. Post divorce, online dating was perfect for me because it made it easy to identify who is single and filter search results to have a better chance of finding someone compatible.

 

Meeting people IRL is great but you have to a) figure out if they are single and b) put yourself out there by asking them out which could work, or may not.

 

Either way is fine - but don't keep doing what isn't working and expect that someday it will. Being proactive has worked for me.

 

 

I just don't get why something like that has never happened to me. I do think that most people that are not on dating forums actually just meet people in the similar way. No need to go out of their way or do a thing.

[greymatter]

I just don't get why something like that has never happened to me. I do think that most people that are not on dating forums actually just meet people in the similar way. No need to go out of their way or do a thing.

 

Well ES, I frequently wish I had never met him! It wasn't a bad marriage but it didn't end up a happy union for me. I stuck it out with him for a long time (too long, 18 years) but trust me, maybe it's a good thing that it didn't happen that way for you. We are amicable coparents/exes now but it wasn't easy being with him since I ended up not being in love with him for many of the years we were together.

 

I currently have a boyfriend who I adore, and never would have met him if not for online dating. We live 20 minutes away from each other in different cities and are in completely different orbits, even though we have a ton in common and enjoy doing many things together (hiking is one of our activities). I know all too well that it's really hard to meet someone who you are compatible with but, well, I'm a proponent of OLD is all that I can say, even though it sucks most of the time and can feel like a big waste of time...until it doesn't!

[ElKay]

Not looking hasn't worked for me in the slightest so I've been actively looking for a nice match online.

I feel like, how can you win the lottery if you never buy a ticket? That's the way I see it. I put myself out there with online dating so I'm getting closer to finding my match than hanging out with my best friends where I don't meet new guys.

[preraph]

Sometimes taking a small weekend second job doing something just kind of fun is a great way to make new friends and meet potential dates. It's easier to make a connection when you see someone repeatedly. You'd have to put some thought to where would be a good place for you. For me, it was working at a record store back when those were a big deal. For you, it might be working in a department store, where you could leave through the men's section and start saying hello to guys who worked there. It might even be waitressing at a nice restaurant making $250 a night on the weekend. It might be working a shift at a bank on Saturday.

 

There are certain careers you can follow that are man-heavy, like working for a security company like ADT.

 

Think about if you have any connections with relatives or friends that might be a good option.

 

You can do police volunteering, just helping them set up tables or serving bbq at a function. You can volunteer on your neighborhood crime patrol just once a week and end up knowing more neighbors. (These are all old folks in my neighborhood, so look before you leap!) Volunteer once a week at the zoo or some animal rescue.

 

Those things are things you will come into contact with people who are also good hearted and you will see them repeatedly and start getting to know them. Good luck.

[Mysterio]

I know you will all groan about this. Its time for a Mysterio breakdown on Looking vs not looking.

 

Looking. Your actively looking for a romantic prospect by doing the On-line thing. Asking out random strangers you have no repore with. Asking out people you have a repore with in your social environment.

 

Not Looking. You meet by chance people in your social environment and it happens in an organic way, where its more stumbled apon.

 

Your either one or another. My buddy DT. His GF-CF made it happen between them. They were exes that came together after not interacting for a long time. She looked him out on Facebook. He did nothing. She basically fell into his lap.

 

MO/MM they were pushed together at a social. The group that they worked with. Did not like a guy that was MO's friend hitting on MM. So they put them together. They will be married for 22 yrs this September.

 

SA/J. Met in high school. They were together from 1988 to 2017 and married from 1997 to 2017 and are separated and getting divorced.

 

So with these couples. High School/Facebook/Social all got these couples together. So its all about social interactions. So the more one does less. The less they will have coming at them be it making friends or having a romantic prospect.

 

So weeding through all my observations. Being sociable is the key. My buddy DT does not go out there and mix it up with people. He stays home and is a home body. So either doing things with the small kids and playing his on-line games. He really does not make friends. So until he ventures out there a bit more. More friendships will not sprut out. I don't count his on-line gamers he interacts with as real friends, because they do nothing outside of the game.

 

My point is being sociable will increase your chances of love/friendships. For some reason. The obvious going out there cold calling people into romance does not work, maybe on line and even then it may not work.

 

I personally think a lot of us are way too hard on each other when it comes to love and the older we get. The Harder we are.

 

So Looking vs Not looking. I think Not looking but being sociable works the best and increases the odds more than anything else.

[Mysterio]

For me the best results in me having romance in my life is when I don't care and am not activly looking.

 

I want and crave love with a woman, but it has to come in its own time. No forcing it will do it for me. As I keep saying. I find I get romantic attention, when it happens, when I don't care. I don't understand why that is. It seems women like me more when I am semi aloof when it does happen.

 

When I do like a woman. I am very cut and dry and don't play games as much. For me I feel like in the world of friendships I am superstar. The world of Romantic love. Its more tricky. Its better stress wise for me to let it come to me, than try to seek it out. Its not a numbers game. Its being sharp and having a radar tuned to whats around you.

 

What really has to happen in term of just me looking at my life is this. Life is putting women in my field of view and vice versa. That woman and I want to make and effort with each other and we are at our basics seeing each other greeting and parting with hugs and kisses and making out/making love 3 to 4 times a week with each other. Mixing in interesting conversations and laughs/doing social/recreation activities with each other. That is the love bond that is going to work for us, as it should be a shared vision.

[Mysterio]

Adding to this. All my male friends out there that are attached now. None of them were looking. I had GF in 2012 and the only reason I am not with her. Is that I don't want a child and I felt she was too child centric and there was not enough affection between us for my taste. So why have a kid with her and then break up.

[hotpotato]

Hmm...

It usually takes me 2 or 3 years to find someone whether or not I'm looking. Looking for me means going online.

 

I've figured if I want a certain type of guy I'd have to go online or actively approach men. Often the guy I'd be least interested in is the one who approaches me.

 

I get hit on more nowadays that I go to the beach. Also, I decided I didn't want to date and that made me popular. *shrug*

[Mysterio]

My main problem is a lot of women are attached. Or the single ones around me are aloof. Its such a struggle.

[Woggle]

It's better to build up your own life and let women come to you. After my first marriage collapsed I worked on bettering my financial situation and making smart investments plus just living life. I was going out and traveling when I wasn't out there getting money and finding Ms Right wasn't even on my radar until I met my wife by chance. Once you seek the best out of life you come across those who are doing the same and they make the best partners.

[OatsAndHall]

I go through three phases. Either I'm actively looking, chilling out but keeping my eyes open, or not putting in any effort at all. I tend to enjoy "chilling out and keeping my eyes open" more than the other two phases. I'm not going out, hunting for a date but I pay attention to my social surroundings and ask women out here and there.