Feeling really bad about myself and wondering why anybody would want to be with me?

[Soak]

48 year old female here.

 

I guess I'm not bad looking in terms of physicality, but i've been undergoing physical changes lately, mainly dental and am facing losing some teeth or having to get crowns or a denture. This is really depressing me, because up until now, I've rarely had anything to worry about. Now, instead, I dread any sensitivity or nerve pain in my teeth because I know the inevitable will happen (eventually).

 

I guess I am wondering how anybody attracts a person for a romantic relationship if they're unwell, their health isn't good, or their physical appearance is compromised. This brings me to wonder why anybody would want to be with me if my body is falling apart, or I have a denture?

 

I don't know, just feeling pretty crappy. I guess I'm an okay person as far as values goes and I know I am 100% faithful and fairly loyal, but am wondering whether this is enough? It seems to me that unless you're on top of the world and have something to "offer" - that it is the only way to attract people. This has been a pattern in my life, so I am finding it harder to cope knowing that I don't have much to offer accept my "self", my personality and hopefully something that might appeal to somebody.

 

Gah.

 

Any advice?

Edited July 17, 2018 by Soak

[mrs rubble]

I can relate, I had to have all my teeth replaced with dentures when I was 30. I'd had severe reflux which totally destroyed my teeth. I was so self conscious and worried about getting them.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Truth is people didn't even notice, my dentures are so natural looking. One boyfriend I had after my marriage broke up, didn't know I had dentures until he walked in on me in the bathroom cleaning them one day, he was so shocked, we'd been together for about a year at that stage! It didn't put him off, in fact being able to remove your teeth is pretty appealing to some guys.

 

 

I'm a similar age to you, and I think the majority of people our age accept that health issues may start to arise, we're also more attracted to values and personality over looks than we were when we were younger.

[d0nnivain]

Teeth are an issue. They are right there in your face, one of the 1st things people see. I didn't smile much while I was dealing with having to get 2 implants. I am so happy they are in now. It's not fun but it's not as bad as you are dreading. I have less sensitivity now then before. So do address the issue because poor dental & oral hygiene can lead to other problems.

 

Work on your self esteem. Improve other aspects of your personality. I know a few people with bad teeth -- yellow, missing or both -- but they are such good people & fun to be around, you don't see the flaws anymore.

[Soak]

Thanks ladies. I know you're right. It's just an adjustment period, especially since i had a front tooth filled yesterday and am wondering if he drilled in too far.

 

Sometimes i think dentists want to intentionally destroy your teeth so you end up getting more expensive work done.

 

Guess I'll start thinking about the other aspects of myself and develop those. Am feeling a bit like i want to run away at the moment, and distance myself from a lot pf people. I'm feeling a bit drained by a lot of things right now

[shydad]

I guess I'm an okay person as far as values goes and I know I am 100% faithful and fairly loyal, but am wondering whether this is enough?

Hi Soak, to answer your question, yes!

 

I think these are normal feelings. I am not going to pretend to know what you're going through, but I can share a different perspective.

 

My son's mom has teeth that are in poor health. The last I knew, several were missing, several were decaying, and the rest were ok. Some were held in place only by old braces which should have been removed years ago. Her teeth were mostly this way when I first met her, however, her appearance was not reflective of how she felt about her teeth. She would fairly regularly say she was ugly, and tried very hard never to smile. (I loved it when she forgot!)

 

To give you a different perspective, she's an attractive woman. We were married close to seven years. There were no problems with attraction, or anything physical, including kissing (something she worried about). Any worry or concern about appearance was 100% in her mind and not mine.

 

She's 50 now. She's still attractive.

[Soak]

She would fairly regularly say she was ugly, and tried very hard never to smile. (I loved it when she forgot!)

 

There were no problems with attraction, or anything physical, including kissing (something she worried about).

 

She's 50 now. She's still attractive.

 

Hi shydad. Thanks for your reply

 

I can relate to the thinking she's ugly part, and i guess there's no use denying that. If i feel ugly, then i'll be upfront with whoever i am getting to know (if it ever happens again).

 

I can also relate to the kissing dilemma, as this has gone through my mind already. Guess it comes down to the same thing, full disclosure before the kissing thing. Could never kiss with a plate in my mouth!

 

It's really nice that you can speak about her so positively! Thinking about your comments has made me realise that i've always relied on my looks and now it's time to build on something else. A learning curve if you will, but the adjustment period is difficult, and i'm slowly getting used to it. Can't control it.

Edited July 18, 2018 by Soak

[mrs rubble]

Hi shydad. Thanks for your reply

 

I can relate to the thinking she's ugly part, and i guess there's no use denying that. If i feel ugly, then i'll be upfront with whoever i am getting to know (if it ever happens again).

 

I can also relate to the kissing dilemma, as this has gone through my mind already. Guess it comes down to the same thing, full disclosure before the kissing thing. Could never kiss with a plate in my mouth!

 

It's really nice that you can speak about her so positively! Thinking about your comments has made me realise that i've always relied on my looks and now it's time to build on something else. A learning curve if you will, but the adjustment period is difficult, and i'm slowly getting used to it. Can't control it.

It's possible to kiss with full dentures, as I said above, my old boyfriend didn't even know that I had dentures for nearly a year, and I'd kissed him plenty!

[Gretchen12]

But we also accept others as they are, so why shouldn't they do the same? I've dated older men, and they're attractive even while falling apart. As we age, we all gradually decline. Teeth are just the tip of the iceberg. There's menopause, hair loss, other body parts getting removed...

[LuckyM]

I have had teeth problems all my life and I am much older than you. I still have problems, It may be genetic. The money you spend on your teeth is well worth it! Do NOT neglect them, not just for aesthetic reasons or kissing but for medical reasons as it can lead to more serious infections in the body. Look it up.

 

This never stopped me from making out. No one ever mentioned my teeth to me. Maybe it stopped some girls from kissing me, I'll not know that. It is possible.

 

I know a woman with only 1 tooth in her mouth. That's the absolute worst case.

[Soak]

But we also accept others as they are, so why shouldn't they do the same? I've dated older men, and they're attractive even while falling apart. As we age, we all gradually decline. Teeth are just the tip of the iceberg. There's menopause, hair loss, other body parts getting removed...

 

 

Yeah, i'm starting to accept it, accept myself for who i am that is.

[glows]

It's normal for your self-esteem to take a plunge when you're undergoing dental work or any other medical or cosmetic treatments! Don't be too hard on yourself and most of all, give yourself time to heal and enjoy your new and improved self. The time will come when you are ready to embrace life again and welcome new people in your life. Don't rush it.

[Soak]

I'm still wondering why anybody would want to be with me.

 

Guess that's a hard hurdle to surmount.

[BaileyB]

I'm still wondering why anybody would want to be with me.

 

Guess that's a hard hurdle to surmount.

 

Here's the thing... Nobody will want to be with you if you have this kind of attitude. Men will be attracted and want to get to know you, when you feel confident about yourself.

 

Remember, true beauty is not only skin deep. Others have commented that they have similar dental issues and it has not affected their love life in any way... Do your best to make yourself look beautiful, and then work on feeling beautiful. And remember, true beauty comes from inside when someone is confident, joyful, and happy.

 

Sending a hug to you. I know it's hard. But, I think you can get there...

[shydad]

I'm still wondering why anybody would want to be with me.

 

Guess that's a hard hurdle to surmount.

You're right, it IS hard. I know because I also am having confidence problems as well. I think you need to prepare a detailed list of your qualities. As far as I can tell, you are attractive, have solid values such as faithfulness and loyalty, and have a good personality. The list is below which you can edit to replace negative words with positive words, and add additional qualities.

 

1. I'm not bad looking in terms of physicality
   
2. I'm an okay person as far as values goes
   
3. I am 100% faithful and fairly loyal
   
4. I don't have much to offer accept my "self", my personality
   

With that said, just speaking for myself, I am generally most attracted to normal looking women, who have a warm, nurturing personality. As an example, there is a cashier at a grocery store who I'm ridiculously attracted to. She is just oozing with warmth and kindness. She looks normal, but I couldn't care less about how she looks. I was too shy to talk to her, but my love coach scouted for me and found out that she's taken, then proceeded to gush about how amazing she is. If she had been single, I'm sure I would have wanted to marry her. The reason why I'm telling you this is because I'm sure you look fine and have lots of good qualities. Heck, the qualities you mentioned are what I'm looking for. It's not all about looking "hot". I am completely uninterested in women who look like barbie dolls. I want a normal relationship with a normal person which will last through the end of our lives.

[losangelena]

If I ever start feeling that way, I just try to remember that most people are very average, and the majority of those are in relationships. I don't think you need to have something "extraordinary" to offer. I think having a desire and an ability to connect emotionally is more impotent to relationship success.