Fiance is a personal trainer but refuses to train me or bring me to his gym.

July 17, 2018

Hi,

My fiance (been together 5 years, currently looking for a house & planning to marry) is a qualified personal trainer who works in a gym, however, in the time that we have been together I have gotten a little too comfortable and gained some weight - to the point where I am now quite self-conscious. I admit that I am a vain/insecure person, very much into hair, makeup, beauty, etc. and while I may hide the weight gain relatively well (or at least try to overcompensate with makeup, flattering clothes, etc.) it is something that bothers me & gets me down very much. It is not a huge, overly noticeable amount of weight as such, but enough that family members have voiced their concern for my health and enough that i have lost confidence and feel less glamorous, less attractive & cannot wear the kind of clothes I used to.

My fiance refuses to train me, or 'change' me as he puts it, but also actually refuses to bring me to the gym where he works - and this is a red flag for me. He has put a ring on my finger, plans to marry me - so why not help me with something he is qualified to do? He himself is muscular, works out around 4 times a week and is in great shape. I realize for a lot of men the gym is 'me time' or 'male time' and some men don't want to work out with their female partners - however, my fiance WORKS there, it is his job and so he helps others, he helps strangers - why not me? I also know that several friends/old acquaintances of his and other people he knows attend this same gym where he works. He has said in the past that I am not a 'gym person' - and I admit I'm not! But no one is until they start! I don't want to bodybuild or anything like that, I just want to tone up slightly, lose some flabby parts, and feel exercise would benefit me as ultimately I would feel better about myself. Even if he did not want to train me one-on-one surely he could get me a gym pass. He sometimes works on Sundays the day that I am off work & the gym is empty on that day - and yet he would never want me to call up.

NB: I realize I could go to my own gym, one closer to my home but at this point I don't feel confident enough to do that and don't really have anyone to go with - so I asked my fiance for his help in a field he is supposed to be an expert in. I also realize sometimes people don't like their partners/friends around their work environment - when I was younger I worked in a retail job I didn't like friends calling in to visit as I felt embarrassed in my work uniform with name badge! I now work quite a demanding job where I sit all day so this does not help with health/weight.

However, I am set to marry this guy - and a gut feeling tells me there is something in his work place he is hiding from me. I know lots of hot women go to the gym -with hotter bodies than mine, and there are lots of older women who flirt with the personal trainers there (fact). If I say anything I will get accused of jealousy or being mad!! ...Any thoughts? Am I being pathetic and insecure because of my weight gain, or do I trust my gut instinct that there is more to this and that he is hiding something? (bearing in mind we are planning to marry after he proposed to me)

(thanks for reading & sorry if this is long)

Edited July 17, 2018 by JavinaMelania86

July 17, 2018

I am a licensed professional & I don't take on family as clients. The relationship is too close & trying to be professional to a person with whom you are intimate just causes problems. So on one level I understand his reluctance.

That said, if you think he's cheating on you with somebody at the gym, surprise him at work one day.

July 17, 2018

Thank you for the reply. I completely understand that and know of others in the industry who have the same 'rule' as this, however, my fiance has helped friends of his - some old female acquaintances also. Sadly, there are a lot of threads on here entitled 'I had sex with my fitness instructor' or 'I have a crush on my fitness instructor but he's married' - while I am insecure about my weight gain, I am not a bunny boiler type of girl and I know how that type of job is quite personal and most within the industry should be professional - I just can't shake this gut feeling that he is hiding something or has a secret work life, secret work friends - they could be people calling in there that I don't even know exist. I've also seen older women flirt with some of the PTs online - like teenagers. It's a gut feeling, it's horrible, I don't want to think in this negative way - but my gut hasn't let me down before in my life. Also, I have asked him why he won't help me but he tends to get defensive if I approach the subject or acts as if I am talking about his job as if it is some kind of seedy industry - which I'm not suggesting.

Edited July 17, 2018 by JavinaMelania86

July 17, 2018

Hmm, well my old classmate has been dating a body building professional who also works as a PT and not only does he help her out with working out and dieting but also got her so inspired that she herself got into body building and has won some prizes. They always work out together at his gym. She started out as a regular skinny-fat girl (skinny but with layers of fat) with no gym interest.

I think the least your fiance could do is spend a couple of gym passes with you (when he's not at work), show you how to use the machines and what kind of exercises you should do. Then you can gain some confidence and work out on your own. I find his behavior very questionable. What's the problem with giving some guidance?

July 17, 2018

As a lifelong gym guy, I sometimes can't believe the stuff I have seen recently at the gym with male trainers and female clients...These guys do "stretch" work with these women where the women are flat on their back and the trainer is holding her legs above her head and all kinds of other crap.By the looks of some of these women, I wonder if its less about getting in shape and more about these other aspects of it, because they certainly don't look fit..Maybe these guys get off on it as well...I dunno...

It could be nothing or something...Too hard to tell.

But let me just relay this to you...for whatever it's worth...I work hard on my physique and like to train...Otherwise I wouldn't do it...I'd rather the woman I am with to be self motivated, to use me as an example, rather than for me to have to coach her too...It would probably be exhausting to have to motivate a bunch of people that are likely half in and half out, then have to come home and do it with my SO...That would just be a complete downer...I would expect that person to have that part of her life covered..And maybe its a passive aggressive behavior response to you letting yourself go...I dunno...

So maybe it's a combination of things..Too hard to say its just that he's trying to hide something...I could easily see a different possibility...

TFY

July 17, 2018

Thanks for the reply - that is my question, what would the problem be? I realize we would be doing different types of training but all sorts of shapes and ages of people use the gym - some do weights, others cardio - and as you say he could show me a few machines, perhaps a diet plan, etc. I have spoken to friends about this, one found it questionable and a red flag, another friend said that she just doesn't like her partner around her work (I don't know why) so not to worry about it, and another suggested it was a control type of thing that he wants me to gain weight, be less confident & look better than me! (p.s.) these friends don't know him personally to judge really, apart from my side of the story. We don't live together at present. That is what we are saving towards. However, I recall one conversation in which he said if we lived together we could go to the gym together - but a different gym than the one he works in!!!!!

July 17, 2018

How long he's been working at that gym? and all this time you never dropped there to say hello or to pick him up? Do you know his colleagues?

July 17, 2018

Yes, I have also seen some ridiculous behavior from male trainers/female clients if I'm honest - mostly desperate older women and others who seem to go to the gym to socialize/chat rather than to keep fit. Of course I know there are those who take fitness very seriously but I also see a lot of very attention-seeking behavior - such as "here's my phone, can you film me from behind while I squat provocatively?" - maybe this is my own insecurity or maybe I am sexualizing this because I'm not a gym goer myself. I also know I could help myself and not let myself go, perhaps I should.

July 17, 2018

I have met some of the colleagues. Of those I've met, they seem like a decent bunch of people, most are in relationships, not party guys from what I've seen. I have been at the odd social event with him. However, it is more the 'randoms' who run up to him on nights out in bars -people I don't even know, have never seen before - fawning over him in front of me. I realize in bars/clubs people are drunk but it's hard to take when they are a random female that I didn't know existed but recognize him from the gym. However, I must also add this: there have been males who have done this also - young skinny guys who recognize him from the gym and want to be muscular like he is - so perhaps I shouldn't read too much into that. Also there is a mix of people who use the gym - not generally 'posey' types, even elderly people go there. I just don't know if I am being insecure because of my weight gain but I also feel he should help me.

July 17, 2018

He doesn't have to coach the OP or have her as a client, bit why not show her around a bit? I know how awkward and clumsy someone who is new to working out at the gym feels in the beginning - feeling like an idiot while trying to figure out the machines etc. This way nobody gets motivated.

July 17, 2018

I just feel that if he loves me he should help me. We are engaged to be married afterall, it's not like this is a new relationship or that I'm jumping on his bandwagon - he has seen for himself that my weight gain is getting me down. BTW, I'm not obese or anything and I have a proportionate shape but I've gained quite a few pounds and ultimately I don't feel happy in how I now look. I also don't feel confident enough at this point to go to a gym on my own - and he knows this - it would be a completely alien territory for me (I haven't been in a gym since my school days when we were forced to - back then I was slim and didn't need to go though!!)

Edited July 17, 2018 by JavinaMelania86

July 17, 2018

Going to the gym won't help you lose weight anyway. You need to eat less, and eat better.

July 17, 2018

I just feel that if he loves me he should help me. We are engaged to be married afterall, it's not like this is a new relationship or that I'm jumping on his bandwagon - he has seen for himself that my weight gain in getting me down. BTW, I'm not obese or anything and I have a proportionate shape but I've gained quite a few pounds and ultimately I don't feel happy.

I think you aren't understanding this...

I believe I know how he thinks....He doesn't want to prod you ....He wants to see you do it on your own....He probably views people like you as perhaps weak, as not having the inner fire...Just like a lot of his clients, id imagine....

I would bet you anything that if you took initiative and started making progress, then he'd come on board 100%...But he wants you to make this a priority in your life...If you are sitting around waiting for him to hold your hand, you aren't seeing it as a priority...Or even at a higher level you wouldn't have let yourself go in the first place if you considered it a priority.....

Believe me, being a SO of someone who views aesthetics and fitness as a priority is NOT easy...I know a lot of guys who attract a lot of women but never seem to make anything last...I think this is true of either gender, but knowing some kick ass female trainers with great bodies and average husbands/bf's I think women are probably more forgiving...but I dunno...

I'd say try to get it going on your own....You could even hire a trainer for yourself(I would probably go female-not to muddy up things any more), TBH, I know more talented female trainers than males....

.02

TFY

July 17, 2018

I have a sense that something about how you present this request is also holding him back.

Can you come at it from a different angle? Admit to him that your weight gain has you upset, insecure & off your game. With wedding planning stress & how you will look in your dress, I'm sure you are upset. Explain those premarital insecurities to him & confess they are getting the better of you, & it's letting your imagination run wild. Then ask nicely if he will work with you to lose the weight & work out. Don't press to come to work with him but get the benefit of his expertise.

Another option would be to discuss the guest list for the wedding. If it doesn't include work colleagues, ask why. If it's people you haven't met, suggest dropping by the gym to meet them.

If you haven't signed up for pre-marital counseling which includes conflict resolution & communications workshops sign up for some.

Edited July 17, 2018 by d0nnivain

July 17, 2018

I think a lot of how I'm feeling may stem from my current insecurity due to the weight and thus letting my imagination run wild. I think I need to help myself firstly and maybe if I have the fire to do this he would come on board, as you say. Thanks for all the replies, it has helped put things into perspective for me a little.

July 17, 2018

I think anytime a bf or gf or husband or wife dissuades their significant other from being involved in some aspect of their life, it instantly raises questions. Yes, I think he’s hiding something and you should find out what it is - without asking him, of course. If he’s lying to you, he’ll never be truthful about it.

July 17, 2018

I think you aren't understanding this...

I believe I know how he thinks....He doesn't want to prod you ....He wants to see you do it on your own....He probably views people like you as perhaps weak, as not having the inner fire...Just like a lot of his clients, id imagine....

I would bet you anything that if you took initiative and started making progress, then he'd come on board 100%...But he wants you to make this a priority in your life...If you are sitting around waiting for him to hold your hand, you aren't seeing it as a priority...Or even at a higher level you wouldn't have let yourself go in the first place if you considered it a priority.....

Believe me, being a SO of someone who views aesthetics and fitness as a priority is NOT easy...I know a lot of guys who attract a lot of women but never seem to make anything last...I think this is true of either gender, but knowing some kick ass female trainers with great bodies and average husbands/bf's I think women are probably more forgiving...but I dunno...

I'd say try to get it going on your own....You could even hire a trainer for yourself(I would probably go female-not to muddy up things any more), TBH, I know more talented female trainers than males....

.02

TFY

OP: I think this is very valuable advice you should be reflecting on.

July 17, 2018

please, you are supposed to be taking vows about togetherness, he needs to think about what marriage is, he sounds too territorial to me, no caring and sharing, not enough anyway

why can he not run you thru the basics of gym work even just once? (srs question)

Edited July 17, 2018 by darkmoon

July 17, 2018

Okay there are three issues here and I really urge you to think about them separately. You are conflating them and it is hurting your thought process and communication with your fiance. Try this on:

1. Fiance wont train you: As others have said, this is probably a non-issue by itself. There is an old saying - never give your girlfriend ski lessons unless you want her to become your ex-girlfriend. Same goes for this. It might be his code of ethics. Or whatever. And honestly, if you're going to get trained you probably want a different trainer.

2. Your weight issues: You gained some weight. Lost some confidence. Don't like how you look. And now you want to do something about it. Good for you! Go get a membership at a local gym and get that rockin' body back. It will be good for your confidence, your health and your life.

3. Your fiance won't let you come to his place of work: THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOUR SELF CONFIDENCE ISSUES. I don't care if your Molly the Meek or Debby the Dominant, this is a red flag for anyone. Especially at the "we're going to be married" stage. Suggestion: just sit him down and say this. "As your fiance and future wife, I want to have a knowledge and appreciation for your workplace and coworkers. As such, I'll be swinging by the gym on Friday afternoon (or some other close day) to meet everyone. I'm really excited to see where my future husband works so hard." Period. Nothing about his not training you or him not giving you a gym membership. Just take those off the table.

If he freaks or objects, then you have your answer. You've taken every other issue off the table. If he objects it is because he wants to keep you as far from that gym as possible and there is a reason. What is that reason?

Best of luck!

Mrin

July 17, 2018

I can definitely understand him not wanting to train you or take you to his place of business. It's a conflict of interest. Trainers are supposed to keep you accountable, and your fiancé isn't in a place too keep you accountable. You will either get your feelings hurt or, he would feel like he couldn't be as tough on you. Something like that would happen.

I can see how he needs his space at work too. He probably needs a space that is only his. Work can be that for a lot of people. If you are serious, you need to get a dietitian and hire your own trainer.

July 17, 2018

Maybe her fiance is completely innocent but knows that OP is insecure and if she comes to his gym she will get jealous of his hot female clients which is bad for business. This simply could be him protecting his money.

July 17, 2018

I feel like others have given better answers to some of your questions already.

BUT; the gym is not where you lose weight. Weight is lost while cutting vegetables in the kitchen. https://tdeecalculator.net Insert your values and you’ll have what’s called your estimated maintenance calories. Then; download the app; MyFitnessPal and make a new habit of registering all the food you eat. 500kcal deficit per day is the normal recommendation. Make sure that you gain enough proteins which will help to maintain muscle-mass. If you’re struggling with hunger issues you can experiment with intermediate fasting (skip breakfast) or low carbs (avoid carbs and increase the amount of fats).

If you do the above; you will lose weight. Finding reliable sources these days might be tricky (I’m just a random dude on a message board after all), but if you do the above you will lose weight. If you want to get even better results. Ie. Building some muscle aswell - it’s time to introduce the gym. A number of studies have shown that it is very possible, for untrained individuals, to lose fat and build muscles simultaneously.

I get that the gym might seem like a scary place; but really it isn’t that complicated. In a nutshell, resistance training is about finding something heavy, picking it up, and putting it down. There are tons of free available excerise routines out there; and if you want to; you Can get good results with body weight excerises and with some basic home-equipment. I recommend 3 full body workouts per week and cardio 1-2 per week.

A full body routine could be alternating between two different workouts and look like this.

Workout A:

Warmup

Bench press 4x8

Barbell squat / goblet squat / front squat 4x8

Barbell row/low row/seated row 4x8

Hanging leg raises 4x8

Workout B:

Warmup

Overhead press 4x8

Deadlift / hip thrust 4x8

Lat pull downs 4x8

Planks 3x45 sec (add 5 sec per workout)

4x8 means 4 sets and 8 repetitions, resting time isn’t that important, go with about 2 min between sets. There are excellent instruction videos on all the above exercises on YouTube.

I didn’t intend to write this much, got a bit carried away. Good luck!

July 17, 2018

I am a licensed professional & I don't take on family as clients. The relationship is too close & trying to be professional to a person with whom you are intimate just causes problems. So on one level I understand his reluctance.

That said, if you think he's cheating on you with somebody at the gym, surprise him at work one day.

I agree.

My immediate thought and experience is that even if you're a professional, working with friends or family can be tricky and it's often better for them to seek a third party. I personally would actually prefer for a stranger to train me than my partner. I think because I don't know them and am paying them it sets up a better dynamic with no loopholes versus if I'm more relaxed with my partner.

That's the first thing I thought, that it's not strange that your partner doesn't want to mix your relationship and his job. If you feel he is cheating that's separate. But frankly, if you never felt he was cheating before, I wouldn't stir up problems just because of this as this is not really strange that he would prefer not to train his gf.

July 17, 2018

My fiance refuses to train me, or 'change' me as he puts it, but also actually refuses to bring me to the gym where he works - and this is a red flag for me. He has put a ring on my finger, plans to marry me - so why not help me with something he is qualified to do? He himself is muscular, works out around 4 times a week and is in great shape. I realize for a lot of men the gym is 'me time' or 'male time' and some men don't want to work out with their female partners - however, my fiance WORKS there, it is his job and so he helps others, he helps strangers - why not me? I also know that several friends/old acquaintances of his and other people he knows attend this same gym where he works. He has said in the past that I am not a 'gym person' - and I admit I'm not! But no one is until they start! I don't want to bodybuild or anything like that, I just want to tone up slightly, lose some flabby parts, and feel exercise would benefit me as ultimately I would feel better about myself. Even if he did not want to train me one-on-one surely he could get me a gym pass. He sometimes works on Sundays the day that I am off work & the gym is empty on that day - and yet he would never want me to call up.

NB: I realize I could go to my own gym, one closer to my home but at this point I don't feel confident enough to do that and don't really have anyone to go with - so I asked my fiance for his help in a field he is supposed to be an expert in. I also realize sometimes people don't like their partners/friends around their work environment - when I was younger I worked in a retail job I didn't like friends calling in to visit as I felt embarrassed in my work uniform with name badge! I now work quite a demanding job where I sit all day so this does not help with health/weight.

You've already gotten good advice. I'll just add, your post reveals a lot of your own hang-ups and road blocks to weight loss and I'll bet your fiance, having heard every reason and excuse before, doesn't want any part of it. Anyone can train you but no one else can give you the motivation to eat right, exercise and live a healthier lifestyle.

Right now, all you have is talk. I'd guess if you made the effort and demonstrated some success on your own, he'd be happy to step in and further support your progress...

Mr. Lucky

July 18, 2018

Hi everyone,

Thank you all so much for the very insightful and rational advice - and also for the fitness/health tips above. I know losing weight can be at least started by myself with at-home workouts, even walking more, and of course in the kitchen / eating less bad food, smaller portions, etc. - they do say it is "80% diet vs 20% exercise" or something like that - so I guess I can help myself regardless of the gym and hopefully become a better, more confident version of me / get the 'old me' back again. Also, I would assume it would perhaps be a different scenario if we lived together, which we don't at this point.

I think a lot of my original post and the original title/question has much to do with my own insecurities (in my own head) and lack of confidence, rather than his behavior - although I still questioned the not wanting to help me in his work place part. I know everyone has insecurities but mine have increased with the weight gain and I admit that I am a major over-thinker. Also, while my fiance has got fitter working in the gym environment, I know I've let my body slide - so that is probably at the root of my post, as some above have said. I am a newbie here and this was my first ever post, which I was terrified to do, so thank you all for taking the time to 'listen' and respond so thoughtfully to my ramblings.

...Despite all the advice and progress with what I was thinking after posting, after everyone's help - and this is where a little bit more negativity/insecurity sets in again - I did browse the forums here for quite a while before posting and some that do still annoy me are posts about affairs with personal trainers - there are just sooo many that I stumbled upon here! For example, I found this old post:

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/200499-no-wonder-he-personal-trainer

...for anyone who can't read the link or doesn't have time to, it is entitled "No wonder, he was a personal trainer" and goes on to detail how this OP discovered after her break-upthat during her four year relationship her PT boyfriend had slept with 6 of his female clients... I really don't want to 'diss' a whole industry, I know it's not a s*x industry, but the insecure part of me seems to think the gym can be a hotbed for that kind of thing. I guess though that if you are going to cheat you can do it anywhere - an office, a bar, wherever. And obviously this link is a different girl and a different guy and not me and my fiance! But still...

Another problem is, I also knew some PTs before I got with my partner - as the whole fitness industry really took off in the past few years - and these guys were naughty boys with clients, shall we say, but were also single - so that's their business. I have also been cheated on in the past and so perhaps need to work on my confidence and trust issues.

I eat and drink with my partner a lot as he is the person I spend most time with and I had actually started to match him food-wise and portion-wise, while also becoming more comfortable with eating as I was in a relationship - whereas my partner would work off the huge food we'd consume on a Saturday night in the gym the next morning, I wasn't doing so. Anyway, I hope to work on my insecurities and try to help myself if he refuses to - I think weightloss will help me mentally. I know there is so much information online now with YouTube, etc. and even kettlebell workouts, etc. that can be done at home.

Maybe because I work in a different industry, one that is more isolated, I am paranoid about his very sociable job and maybe the problem is also within my own head. Posting this has taught me that I need to help myself and work on my own insecurities. I do sometimes wonder if my thoughts are irrational and crazy because I am insecure in my own body - or completely justified and rational thoughts because of his refusal to bring me to his gym.... He has also helped male friends of his train in the past, although most of these guys were already gym goers and I guess guys do a different type of training than what I would do as a female.

Edited July 18, 2018 by JavinaMelania86

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