Fiance is a personal trainer but refuses to train me or bring me to his gym.

[thefooloftheyear]

All this talk of trainers makes me laugh...As someone who starting training in the early 80's, when there was no internet, no blogs, no youtube, no nothing, really except maybe a book or an occasional fitness mag...Yet somehow we were able to build physiques and attain fitness levels superior to what I see in the gyms now...Personal trainers were really unheard of...Only like the super high level athletes had trainers at that time.....but now....with as much information in the world at your fingertips...now everyone needs a trainer...

 

Anyway, lets assume the guy here is on the up and up and not doing anything improper with these ladies ...I think its not totally wack to not want your spouse or SO at your place while you are doing business...The "intimate" nature of the trainer/client exchange would create a "weird" and uncomfortable dynamic..Like I said in the other post, its not like he's working at Home Depot or anything...He will be in close contact with other woman..He'll feel funny and you would probably feel jealous/angry...

 

If I were a gynecologist, or a plastic surgeon, id probably not want my wife around the office, either...for the same reasons...

 

TFY

[Gaeta]

But....

 

 

We are not talking about her disturbing him during his work. We are talking about her waiting for him when he punches out or her dropping on his lunch time and then they head somewhere for a bite. Is that unacceptable in the gym world?

[stillafool]

But....

 

 

We are not talking about her disturbing him during his work. We are talking about her waiting for him when he punches out or her dropping on his lunch time and then they head somewhere for a bite. Is that unacceptable in the gym world?

 

It sounds perfectly acceptable to me for her to meet him for lunch there and then go out. If OP bf has a problem with that then OP really has a problem.

[thefooloftheyear]

But....

 

 

We are not talking about her disturbing him during his work. We are talking about her waiting for him when he punches out or her dropping on his lunch time and then they head somewhere for a bite. Is that unacceptable in the gym world?

 

 

Waiting for him in the car when he leaves is just weird, imo...

 

Maybe he's trying to cultivate an "image" of a guy that isn't tied down...I dunno...Like I said, this ain't no 9-5...Even though if I were a trainer, id never do it(id like to think that the person wants to really get in shape), from what I have seen and hear, a lot of these people are more shade tree therapists than trainers...Lots of flapping gums and not so much sweat and pain...

 

Look, for all I know you guys can be right, just that I know how some of this goes..

 

TFY

[Gaeta]

Waiting for him in the car when he leaves is just weird, imo...

 

Maybe he's trying to cultivate an "image" of a guy that isn't tied down...I dunno...Like I said, this ain't no 9-5...Even though if I were a trainer, id never do it(id like to think that the person wants to really get in shape), from what I have seen and hear, a lot of these people are more shade tree therapists than trainers...Lots of flapping gums and not so much sweat and pain...

 

Look, for all I know you guys can be right, just that I know how some of this goes..

 

TFY

 

 

When I say drop by I mean go inside. The point is to have her go in there *once* so it demystifies all the secrecy about his work.

 

 

 

If he's trying to cultivate the image of an available man than he's not marriage material...yet.

[Garlend]

When I say drop by I mean go inside. The point is to have her go in there *once* so it demystifies all the secrecy about his work.

 

 

 

If he's trying to cultivate the image of an available man than he's not marriage material...yet.

 

Hmmm. Not if he's simply cultivating that image to attract business. Much the same way a pretty waitress creates a friendly image with a customer for the sole purpose of garnering a better tip.

[stillafool]

Hmmm. Not if he's simply cultivating that image to attract business. Much the same way a pretty waitress creates a friendly image with a customer for the sole purpose of garnering a better tip.

 

This is what I'm thinking. Maybe he doesn't want women to see a gf as that might prevent them from hiring him. Lots of women like to work out with a hot trainer and they do fantasize which is why like FTY said (legs up over their heads) this type of stuff is highly suggestive. Plenty of neglected housewives want this type of interaction with their male trainer. It's a matter of dollars and cents.

[Gaeta]

Is your boyfriend self-employed or he's hired by the gym?

[BikerAccnt]

Going to the gym won't help you lose weight anyway. You need to eat less, and eat better.

 

Well it won't hurt. When I stop going to the gym I gain weight (because admittedly I don't commensurately adjust my diet)

 

But you are right..one of the best quotes I ever heard about working out/exercise vs diet is.

 

"You can't outrun your fork."

[MaleIntuition]

Like TFT has said; the whole industries is, well, almost, a scam. I would probably be ashamed to have my future wife see me pretending to teach stuffs or yelling at people for no good reason...

 

A good personal trainer teaches you correct form in squat, deadlift, bench, row, pull-up etc. Then he or she is done; but that would be bad for business. You really don’t need a personalised routine. Girls and guys build muscles exactly the same way. “Toning” is just building muscle and getting rid of fat.

[JavinaMelania86]

Thank for the replies. I think this thread has maybe gotten a little out of hand from my original title/question of the post 'Fiance is a personal trainer but refuses to train me or bring me to his gym.' - my main curiosity was should I be offended/concerned by this? I then went on to reveal a lot of my own insecurities in my further posts (as an over-thinker and due to my weight gain) and then I think things kind of snowballed, so to reign it back in - from most of the replies above (I think) the majority of people were suggesting that his refusal to train me or sign me up to his gym is not a red flag, as such, and that if I'm truly committed to losing weight I can help myself, without his input.

 

I know I can help MYSELF with diet, I know I should eat less & move more, etc. I just thought he might help me as he WORKS in a gym and is my husband-to-be and that if he cared for me and knew my weight was getting me down (which he does) he might start me off a bit! - Which I'd asked him to.

 

Even if he didn't train me, he could have got me a pass to his gym (since he gave his friends free passes at one point!) ...but he didn't get me one, despite my request -that's what I was particularly, originally annoyed about. Especially as the company was recently majorly promoting the gym everywhere and trying to sign as many people up as possible!! ...Then my over-thinking began - 'is he ashamed of me?', etc. and my insecurities set in, imagination running wild - and maybe that says more about my own issues than him. Also, he has helped friends of his in the past, trained them for a free session here and there - but wouldn't do this for me - maybe he just wanted to look 'macho' infront of his friends, though, and show off a little?

 

I also want to point out that I'm not 'very fat', as such, as in not 'obese', and I do still take care of my appearance but I have gained weight that is making me unhappy. I don't want to body build or even really gain muscle mass but I'm not as toned/tight/trim as when he met me (I was younger then, didn't need to work out!). Now i'm older, my current job is demanding, long hours and I sit all day!

 

Anyhow, all this talk in replies above of 'sneaking to his work', meeting for lunch - that's all getting a little crazy / bunny boiler - and that's not me as a person! He'd happily meet me for lunch. As I said earlier in the thread, I have met some of his co-workers, I have been to the odd social occasion, people know he has a fiancee, they know that I exist - he just won't bring me to his gym where he works and won't train me or even help me in anyway. This made me feel insecure.

 

BUT, also, I have been more annoyed about the 'random' people who would run up to him on nights out in bars/restaurants around the city (on weekends off, in our free social time) who knew him/recognized him from the gym (didn't know me) - but some of these people barely acknowledged me when I was introduced to them as his fiancee, and I'm standing there smiling politely beside him -actually some (females) who were just plain, downright RUDE and I am a friendly, reserved, very well-mannered person... That said, when I was younger, I worked in a well-known clothing store in the heart of our old city and on weekends random drunk men ran up to me in bars/clubs as they recognized me from helping them in the store during my day job - To be honest, I barely recognized them or most to me were just a customer that I HAD to be polite to as my job! Maybe it's the same for him. On the other hand, as posted above, some women do behave desperately around these gym guys and it is hard when that is your partner and, in my case, you feel less confident about yourself also. And I have witnessed this behavior.

 

Also, in reply to the responses above, I know the fitness industry is over-saturated, etc. I know it's become a trend, I know as people said before that years ago not everyone had PTs, I know a hell of a lot of people are calling themselves a 'PT' these days. I also know people who have had the will power to get fit completely on their own with no help - I just thought as it was his field and as he is the man I am set to marry that he might help me, in some even small way. Maybe he doesn't want to offend me, maybe he wants to see me start on my own by eating less! He is a big guy and when we eat together I can now match him (not good)! ...He then trains, he's 'bulking' - i'm just getting fat!!!!

 

I originally started the thread to get rational thoughts from outsiders (as my insecurity can make me irrational and think crazy if I let it get out of hand) - and all the replies above have been really helpful to me - you have all offered insight and perspectives - some I hadn't thought of. I just wanted to explain that I wasn't suggesting he's really given me any reason to have evidence he's cheating - as opposed to my original title question and my upset at him not wanting to bring me to the gym. That was why I was reigning it in a little (this isn't meant in a rude way).

 

I also know that a lot of trainers (male and female) turn on the charm to get clients to keep them coming back and keep paying them - as realistically once you have been shown and given a little motivation, the rest you can do by yourself, if you have the will power to stick to it. I had just wanted my fiance to give me that starting block and got upset/concerned about why when he refused.

Edited July 19, 2018 by JavinaMelania86

[losangelena]

Okay, I have some questions, mostly about your relationship in general.

 

How long have you and your fiancee been together?

Where/how did you meet?

How long have you been engaged?

Has he always been a personal trainer?

What kind of work do you do?

Has he expressed any concerns/displeasure about your weight gain?

Has he ever given you cause to think he's unfaithful? Does he hide his phone, etc?

 

I have two observations here.

 

First is, you don't sound like you communicate very well with your fiancee. Throughout this thread, you keep saying that you think, because he's a trainer who works at a gym and has trained his male friends, that he should do the same for you, only for dint that he's your fiancee. You've made a lot of assumptions as to why he won't, but have you actually asked him why he doesn't want to? Maybe I've missed it, but you have not seemed to have expressed that here. Have you asked him, point blank, why he doesn't want to bring you there? Have you expressed to him that it makes you feel insecure? How does he respond to that? I would be more concerned if his response to you was dismissive or downplayed your anxiety about it.

 

I ask these things because sometimes I find that "overthinkers" tend to get that way because they fail to seek clarity from those they feel they need it from, and instead make up a bunch of reasons and drive themselves crazy because of it. Same too, does your fiancee know it bothers you when random women walk up to him and squeeze his bicep? You say you stand there quietly beside him when it happens, but do you say anything afterward? If you're not having these conversations in a real and meaningful way, I am wondering how it is you're this close to marriage with this guy.

 

My other observation is this: you keep asking if your paranoia about this situation is justified or over the top, but I don't think that's what you need to ponder. You obviously ARE bothered by it, and I think it'd be more productive for you to admit that it bothers you, and decide FOR YOURSELF, whether you're okay with committing the rest of your life to someone who treats you that way. We are not equipped to tell you what to do.

 

I mean this in a very supportive way, but you sound like a good candidate for talk therapy/CBT. You sound like you'd benefit from a space where you can talk through your thoughts, and you can also learn some ways to keep yourself from spiraling too far down the overthinkng rabbit hole. That really helped me learn how to contain my anxious thinking.

[JavinaMelania86]

-How long have you and your fiancee been together?

It's 5 years officially, we had been unofficially dating/seeing each other long before then and now engaged for 2 years, but I've known him before this time also.

 

 

-Where/how did you meet?

I met him originally when I was 14, knew him through school friends, have known him a lonnnng time really, then re-met him again in my twenties, got together, been together officially as bf/gf for like 5 years.

 

-How long have you been engaged?

Been engaged 2 years, saving towards wedding/house which is taking time financially.

 

 

 

-Has he always been a personal trainer?

No! ...And wasn't when I met him - but got into this line of work and possibly did change as a person slightly (again, maybe part of the problem)

 

 

-What kind of work do you do?

My work in antisocial, very long hours, I work in radio production, often in a room on my own for a 12 hour day sometimes. This may be part of the problem too, btw, his job is so social, mine is quite solitary and antisocial, behind the scenes, a lot of time alone - and a lot of time to think.

 

 

-Has he expressed any concerns/displeasure about your weight gain?

No. As I've known him a long time, from teenage years, I know he likes curves (butt, boobs - which I have) But I had a nice shape and don't want to completely let this go by getting any bigger, losing my shape by getting fatter. I also feel he doesn't desire me as much as before - but again that may be in my own head.

 

-Has he ever given you cause to think he's unfaithful? Does he hide his phone, etc?

He is pretty much an open book. I am the more reserved one personality-wise. The fact that he is an open book was why I got mad at him not including me in the gym thing when I needed his help - because he has always been open about aspects of his life, so why not include me in this part?

 

 

...I'm answering your questions very honestly here - I admit I am an over-thinker and have become insecure/anxious lately. I did just think that he would help me though. Is it not like someone who wants to take up pottery - their husband is a potter - why would they not show them the potter's wheel then leave them to it? Strange analogy but hopefully you get what I mean!!! Perhaps I am precious about my work too but then it is a different thing altogether - a VERY different industry altogether.

 

....Anyway, maybe I wanted to know ultimately does the problem lie with my insecurity or his refusal to help me fitness-wise? Also, while I am a polite, friendly person - I am not a wallflower - when things happen that I am not happy with I am very vocal about telling him - such as when women have been ignorant to me. I have been very vocal about asking for his help regarding the gym and, to be honest, he does tend to shut down/dismiss the issue.

 

Often I will tell him when things bother me, when a female has been rude - i get accused of 'nagging' - and I don't want to be that person either - negative and jealous, which is putting myself down as if I am less than him, less than those women. Also, it's a general mood-killer and just not attractive - but I do tell him how I feel because as my fiance I should be able to share this with him - and have asked him many times why he won't train me - there isn't really an answer on his part - hence my post and original question of concern. And, as posted previously I have spoken to non-fitness spouses, not in the industry, who feel the exact same way as me. Some 'bunny boiler' type of gfs force themselves to be involved, turning up at the gym with lunch, etc. I'm not going to be that person, i'm bust with my job - and, quite frankly, if he doesn't want me involved in that world then - fine. Also, i will add finally, when these old drunk women squeeze his bicep infront of me he isn't receptive to it or doesn't encourage it or anything. But I can't help but wonder, when it happens in the gym, 'the place I'm not allowed to attend' - is he receptive then? - again that could be my own negative, irrational thoughts.

 

 

 

Basically, if I marry this guy, say for example if I go on to have his baby, if I gain 30lbs during my pregnancy - will he still, as a personal trainer who helps strangers, still not help me shift the weight?! (a hypothetical thought, but I feel a justified thought)

Edited July 19, 2018 by JavinaMelania86

[Gaeta]

We answered you several times it's wise not to mixt work and personal especially at work. You don't seem to get that.

 

Then you need to remove from your vocabulary *you need him* because you don't. You're a grown up woman that can walk in any gym and get her own trainer.

[d0nnivain]

I think you will be OK. You recognize that some of this is people think they know him because he has a public job, whereas you don't. If you ever get the chance in your job to see how people treat the on-air personalities when those folks are not working you will see the false intimacy some people think they have established because they "know" their trainer or the DJ. The self delusion is mind boggling.

 

Do talk to your FI about how you feel not what he did (or didn't do) but how it all made you feel.

[JavinaMelania86]

Thank you. summed up in a few lines - I can help myself. Maybe then I will feel better about myself, like confidence-wise, that anyone who grabs his bicep, tricep, whatever infront of me won't even bother me - because I will feel good in myself.

[JavinaMelania86]

Yes - hit nail on the head there. I over-analyze everything but i'm a very real, down-to-earth, honest type of person, I call things how I see them (which some people don't like). I have been vocal about the fake aspect of my partner's job, the false/friendly persona, fake compliments, etc. I think this annoys me as I've seen the grumpy/'can't be bothered' real side to him - as I've known him a long time - so I know it's fake, I know it can be put on. It's just hard to take sometimes. I think as my job is behind the scenes I don't have to do that so much. I like the term 'self delusion' that you used above - I def think I'm sharp enough to spot this with people my partner deals with.

[JuneL]

So some guys chose to be a personal trainer do that he can be physically close to some “middle aged, beat down, recently divorced” women?

 

I agree with you, but I do kinda see her point....Have you ever heard the term that "a guy is only as loyal as his options??"

 

This is a unique thing....Bear in mind I am not a trainer, but have been around it for a while now...And you know what I have found? It seems like the serious women that really are into it and really want to be at their best physically are trained by female trainers..

 

The male trainers(around here, anyway), have certain types of female clients..The most common I see is the middle aged, beat down, recently divorced types that are now trying to see how to get back in the game...I'd say take a decent looking guy with a good physique and put him in intimate contact(if you ever watched these things they are standing over women in various very close positions, touching/grabbing their thighs, shoulders, etc-you could almost call it soft foreplay), with that type of woman, then I can surely tell you that she could easily be had....I mean like VERY easily....I can't think of any line or work outside of medicine where you can lay your hands all over a woman and it be considered "normal"...

 

I really have little doubt that many male trainers and massage therapists think about these possibilities when they choose this line of work...I know a few male trainers, they certainly aren't doing it for the money that's for sure, and while I do think they have a passion for training people I would bet(although they would probably not freely admit it) that they chose it for the possibilities of some action...

 

Yeah, I know that at the end of the day, its still a choice...But I think the OP is making the same observations, feeling down about her own shape and him not wanting her to come around where he's working, , and its making her very uneasy about her situation...

 

.02

 

TFY

[JavinaMelania86]

I don't think that's what he meant in the quote above. Obviously some guys/girls go into this job as they can make money and also they fit in with the aesthetics of that industry. Also, from knowing some trainers from when I was single -before I got with my partner officially - (as the industry really took off here within the last 10 years, every guy you met was a PT!) so when I was single I met a lot of these type of guys - there are the 'meat heads' who do get into it to try to get laid, feed their ego, work out when they are supposed to actually be working. I think if you've been around the industry you know that for every one who takes their job seriously there are those who don't. I think this OP was just referring to the 'bored desperate housewives' type who hire the PT, and being honest, they do exist - I've seen with my own eyes. I feel my fiance isn't one of those, I simply questioned why he wound't want to help/train/see me at my best.

 

 

(TFY seems to know this industry well from what he's replied to me - i relate to a lot of things he's said, it makes sense to me - real talk and just saying how it 'can' be for some people)

Edited July 19, 2018 by JavinaMelania86

[thefooloftheyear]

So some guys chose to be a personal trainer do that he can be physically close to some “middle aged, beat down, recently divorced” women?

 

 

Sure.....why not?

 

 

If you don't understand why that would make sense, then you clearly don't understand how the minds of some men work....but that's understandable...I couldn't tell you I know much about how women operate either...

 

TFY

[stillafool]

So some guys chose to be a personal trainer do that he can be physically close to some “middle aged, beat down, recently divorced” women?

 

Um, those aren't the only ones hanging around gyms. Some are young, beautiful women with fantastic bodies.

[stillafool]

OP, can you ask your bf to demonstrate the best ways to work on your body or the exercises that would most help you? He can demonstrate this for you at home and you can take the info to your gym and work out. You said there is a gym closer to you than his so why not do that?

[JuneL]

Um, those aren't the only ones hanging around gyms. Some are young, beautiful women with fantastic bodies.

 

But according to his observations, the hot ones usually pick a female trainer.

[Gaeta]

OP, take your power back and go get yourself your own trainer and turn that body into something you're proud of. Your boyfriend will see you with different eyes for taking your life and health into your own hands in an independent way. That attitude is attractive to men, not the begging and nagging to get something from them. When your boyfriend realizes you're a go getter and you don't *need* him he'll be more attracted toward you I promise you.

[JuneL]

OP: If you want to lose weight, eating healthy and being more physically active is your answer. Simply cutting down on bad foods (bad fats, bad carbs) and taking a 45-min brisk walk daily would go a long way.

 

There’s a male poster on here who has a hot yoga instructor girlfriend with a pair of fake DDs. He posts regularly about his insecurities with his gf. Your thread reminds me of him.