Found out BF constantly looks up exes on FB + weird messages

[strawberry17]

I have had an incredible 9 month relationship with someone I thought was the one for me, never had any doubt about his love, never suspected him of anything. Before me he dated seriously 2 girls at university and casually about 4 others. About 5 months ago when he was searching for something to show me on facebook I noticed his last search had been one of those girls, but I didn't say anything at the time because hey, we are all human and we are all curious, although I can honestly say I don't think I actively looked up my ex on facebook once since my BF and I started dating. Anyway, that was that until a few months later I made a mindless joke about one of the firls he used to date casually, just becsuse we had a semi-common circle of friends and I mentioned something in passing. Now this is a girl who I have always disliked, way before BF and I started dating; the reasons are not that important but let's just say she has a bit of a reputation for stealing other people's boyfriends, and tried it with a friend of mine which didn't particularly endear her to me. My boyfriend suddenly seemed to tense up and feel awkward when I randomly mentioned her, which once again I let slide, thinking it maybe wasn't nice of me to be slightly mean towards this girl whom he used to date, even if they only dated very casually.

 

Fastforward up until a month ago and my boyfriend and I are on a road trip and I randomly mentioned a hotel which I thought quite nice since we were brainstorming places for my parents to stay as they were supposed to vosit me soon. As soon as I mentioned this, he started grinning and saying how he had had sex there with this other girl he used to date, at which I gave an uncomfortable laugh as that was a bit TMI for my taste, but he kept

joking and pushing it which was so out of character for him, so I finally got upset with him and told him to stop because I didn't want to hear it. He got upset saying that I was only angry because he had a past; no, I wasn't, I have always been respectful of his past, I just don't think it has any place in our relationship. It's not like I would ever point out to him all the places I had sex with my ex, I respect him and his feelings too much for that. We then had an argument not about this specifically, but about him denying that he had done anything wrong and then bringing up my offhand mean comment about the girl he used to date who I dislike, saying that it's not fair of me to have been mean about someone he at one point used to like spending time with/care about. For some reason this comment really hurt me and I tried to explain to him why. He finally said he understood and he wouldn't do it again.

 

A few days later, he is once again showing me something on facebook and I saw that the day before he had looked up the girl I dislike, only days after I was upset about his exes even being brough up in our relationship. I felt very offended by this and brought this up with him, at which he retored saying that i was MY FAULT that he was interested (not sexually, just curious) about this girl since I was the one who kept bringing her up. Now I might have joked about her a few times but saying that I routinely mentioned her was a stretch.

 

I know this is no excuse, but I have been very upset so the other day he left his laptop at home (we live together) and his facebook open and I just couldn't resist looking: turns out he had looked ALL 6 of his exes up routinely, in alternation, sometimes 3 or so the same day, for the past 9 montjs, ever since we started dating. I mean sometimes everyday, sometimes every 3 days, but without a mistake, he'd look them up routinely ALL THE TIME. Now I get, say, a monthly facebook stalk or smth for ome of them, as I said, we are not immune to curiosity, but every day? I checked his messages and nothing odd since April: this girl he had been sleeping with had messaged him already when we were together in December, apologising for missing his birthday. He was polite enough, he did say he'd like to see her soon too but that could have been politeness. Weird thing is that she messaged him again in March, at one of the peaks of our relationship nonetheless, and he indulged her in a lengthy-ish chat, never once mentioning me when she'd ask him what he'd been up to. Then she asked what he was doing for easter and he said spending it with his family, never once mentioning the fact that I was going to be there too or that I even existed. He didn't reply to her message saying hope to see you soon, but instead messaged her out of the blue TWO WEEKS LATER, saying he hoped she had a lovely easter, to which she replied politely and nothing simceWhy message her out of the blue like that?

 

Am I overreacting or is this weird? I am feeling quite hurt by all this as our relationship has been great, I helped him through some horrible stuff he went through, we are best friends, have an amazing sex life, and I never would have expected something like this. I feel rotten about invading his privacy but I really don't know what to think. We live together, have plans of getting married soon and of having kids, and I feel like I have just been punched emotionally.

[Mrin]

Some thoughts for you:

 

The FB messages seem harmless enough, though stupid for s guy in a committed relationship.

 

The FB browsing activity is bizzare, creepy and borderline unhinged. Did you ask him about it?

 

The comments he made about the hotel and him having sex there show he has real boundary issues. And very little emotional IQ or social awareness.

 

Not to get all armchair psychiatrist on you but does he show any other pronounced social awkwardness or compulsive behavior?

[strawberry17]

Some thoughts for you:

 

The FB messages seem harmless enough, though stupid for s guy in a committed relationship.

 

The FB browsing activity is bizzare, creepy and borderline unhinged. Did you ask him about it?

 

The comments he made about the hotel and him having sex there show he has real boundary issues. And very little emotional IQ or social awareness.

 

Not to get all armchair psychiatrist on you but does he show any other pronounced social awkwardness or compulsive behavior?

 

 

Thanks for your reply! No I haven't asked him yet, don't really know how to bring it up As for the social awkwardness, quite the opposite, he is usually incredibly charming and charismatic. It feels like he is being really thoughtless about my feelings when he says things like that, as if he doesn't feel like I should mind/doesn't realise I would. I haven't really noticed any compulsive behaviour in him earlier either.

[niji]

As for the social awkwardness, quite the opposite, he is usually incredibly charming and charismatic.

 

 

I don't want to be the debbie downer, but I've seen "charming", "charismatic" people who are also attention wh*res (I dislike the word but strangely I think it fits the situation). In fact, they enjoy being the charming person as they know they can bask in others' attention. As such, they can be incredibly insensitive to others' needs, especially those who are close to them. I've personally had a friend who was charming, kind, perfect to the casual acquaintance, but being close friend with her was the worst. At her best she was caring and considerate, but once in a while incredibly dramatic, mean, and insensitive. I cut the relationship; the benefit wasn't worth all the pain.

 

 

All of his messaging sounds like attention seeking behavior to me. I'm sorry but it doesn't sound promising. Sometimes I'm curious and may look my ex up (I was with him for 4 years and he's also my only ex ), once or twice a year , if that. His behavior sounds either very obsessive, or very bored, or both.

[smackie9]

I know you are hanging onto him, but IMO he's no keeper. I think you are totally blinded. Some people have a double life...the one you are in love with, and the nasty one they keep a secret...and when you keep things a secret, you know you shouldn't be doing it. He is not the BF you think he is. You can pick around this all you want, he isn't going to stop this behavior. Think about it...if he was THAT in love with you, he wouldn't give these girls a second thought. And another red flag, he dated someone you dislike. That says something about him, and what he likes.