I've become bitter, angry, and combative

[hamsterhouse]

Over the past couple of years my life and surroundings have taken a number of drastic turns. I lost my father (long time expected), I finally got out of a relationship with a toxic borderline ex, I've been trying to establish myself in a new city, and all of my close friends have moved, become engaged, married, or moved and gotten married.

 

I've been having a bad year with work. It's starting to really turn around now, but establishing myself in a new city isn't going so well. As a result I bounce back and forth between cities, taking freelance jobs where available. That isn't so bad, but I just can't seem to establish myself in this new city the way I had planned, and my original city doesn't have nearly as many job opportunities.

 

Dating hasn't been so hot either. I've been on numerous dates, a few of have been quite promising but turned out to be duds.

 

As a result of all of these things and more, I feel like my life is either spinning around uncontrollably or standing perfectly still, but never in line like I want it to be. I find myself becoming increasingly bitter and combative with people, snappy and rude. If I sense something could go awry I start to run a scenario of me telling the person off. For the record I've never really followed through with it, but I have been flat out rude to some people who didn't deserve it. I also snap at my friends and family, especially my mother, and I'm starting to push some people away. I really snapped at my mother today and I genuinely feel bad about it. Earlier this year I really threw some venom at her, so much so that I'm surprised we're still on speaking terms. I half apologized for that one.

 

It's becoming extremely difficult to watch my friends progress in their lives, get married, buy property, or move and find a job, and for me to sit back with a supportive smile while my life is all over the place.

 

I'm not really sure what to do about it anymore. I have this grandiose idea that once my job becomes stable I can finally furnish my apartment, find a great girl, be happy with my social circle and family, etc., I'll be happy and outgoing again. I know that isn't true, though, and I can't rely on it. Still, it doesn't change the way my brain is operating at the moment.

 

I should say though, I'm not this way all the time. I work out and have hobbies, but often times I feel bored and alone. I don't know...I know I'm rambling here. Basically I feel like I'm just searching for stability. What should I do?

[carhill]

I did an experiment recently, over the July 4 holiday. I spent about a week at high elevation camping, away from cell phones and internet (no service).

 

Incredibly peaceful and invigorating. Just me and a few friends. I drove about ten hours, leaving in the middle of the night, to get there from my place in OR. Alone.

 

Once you get to the place where you love yourself and are OK being alone, it gets better. Where every love is a bonus and a gift, whether it's you loving someone or them loving you.

 

Call your mom more often

[Soak]

Hello. I'm not sure whether you're male or female. The only reason i say that is that males seem to be more comfortable with temporary nomadic lifestyles etc.

 

Anyway, on to the other stuff.

 

They say life happens when we're busy making other plans. I don't think one thing that has happened in my head has ever turned out the same way in reality, which isn't necessarily a bad thing.mit has and is making me think of ways to problem solve.

 

In order to do that, you need to sit down and go through likely scenarios in your mind and courses of action you might take. Being resdy and forewarned about things is never a bad thing.

 

A friend of mine moved interstate many years ago. She said it took her ten years to settle (feel socially connected etc) in her new city.

 

My cousin has worked all around the world, and it is only now in her early 40s that she feels all her experiences, both good snd not so good, have finally amalgamated to a point where she reels happy.

 

I have been in the same place all my life, yet i still feel the same way you do.

 

I guess what i'm trying to say is that life is uncontollable, but moving around will improve the odds of you finding the thing and place that you want to dedicate yourself to.

 

As thry also say... 'Seek, and you shall find'! So, in a way, i think you're following nature's plan

[Soak]

With the snarky bits and pieces (comments), try to control yourself. You'll only alienate people by behaving that way, and i think at the moment, you need all the allies you can get.

[Beachead]

Over the past couple of years my life and surroundings have taken a number of drastic turns. I lost my father (long time expected), I finally got out of a relationship with a toxic borderline ex, I've been trying to establish myself in a new city, and all of my close friends have moved, become engaged, married, or moved and gotten married.

 

I've been having a bad year with work. It's starting to really turn around now, but establishing myself in a new city isn't going so well. As a result I bounce back and forth between cities, taking freelance jobs where available. That isn't so bad, but I just can't seem to establish myself in this new city the way I had planned, and my original city doesn't have nearly as many job opportunities.

 

Dating hasn't been so hot either. I've been on numerous dates, a few of have been quite promising but turned out to be duds.

 

As a result of all of these things and more, I feel like my life is either spinning around uncontrollably or standing perfectly still, but never in line like I want it to be. I find myself becoming increasingly bitter and combative with people, snappy and rude. If I sense something could go awry I start to run a scenario of me telling the person off. For the record I've never really followed through with it, but I have been flat out rude to some people who didn't deserve it. I also snap at my friends and family, especially my mother, and I'm starting to push some people away. I really snapped at my mother today and I genuinely feel bad about it. Earlier this year I really threw some venom at her, so much so that I'm surprised we're still on speaking terms. I half apologized for that one.

 

It's becoming extremely difficult to watch my friends progress in their lives, get married, buy property, or move and find a job, and for me to sit back with a supportive smile while my life is all over the place because you're missing out on the merit of everything.

 

I'm not really sure what to do about it anymore. I have this grandiose idea that once my job becomes stable I can finally furnish my apartment, find a great girl, be happy with my social circle and family, etc., I'll be happy and outgoing again. I know that isn't true, though, and I can't rely on it. Still, it doesn't change the way my brain is operating at the moment.

 

I should say though, I'm not this way all the time. I work out and have hobbies, but often times I feel bored and alone. I don't know...I know I'm rambling here. Basically I feel like I'm just searching for stability. What should I do?

 

I completely understand how you feel as I'm in the same place in my life.

 

You don't realize it but because you are involuntarily comparing to your friends, every decision you make regarding your own life and every reaction you have as to what happens, is motivated by this need to "keep up." Your focus shifted from developing yourself for you, to developing yourself for others. It's tainted your thought process. Even your goals and your overall picture of what "Success" is may not be your own. So there's this disconnect and a lack of peace within you.

 

Remember, we are entitled to nothing. Life promises us nothing. It can give and then take away and it can certainly be relentless with that. Even though it seems like everyone else is getting their way and we can barely afford a box of cereal, those truths won't change just because we're growing fed up.

 

We have to do what we need to do to get to where we want to be. But first, we need to know where we want to be. We have to have a clear picture in our head. Stability is too general of a picture. It needs to be clear.

 

I suggest you put some distance between you and the people you are comparing yourself to..such as your friends. Everytime you hear about them and their lives, it'll make you feel like crap. It sounds selfish but it is affecting your state of mind and you need your mind to remain level headed and focused. I'd even disconnect from social media as well, if you have it. There is nothing worse than Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat etc. constantly bombarding us with our friends' and other peoples' filtered, false lifestyles. Ex. People travelling the world, everyone getting married, having children, people getting promotions at jobs.

 

Just disconnect from everything. The solitude will help you focus and you will start to put together this picture.

 

- Beach

Edited July 18, 2018 by Beachead

[d0nnivain]

I too often felt frustrated & resentful when I felt like every aspect of my life wasn't working: job, relationship, family etc. The thing is you just feel off kilter & overwhelmed. The trick is to find one little thing you can control & build from there. Concentrate on something & build from there.

 

For example: I didn't like my body so I started dieting & exercising. When the pounds came off I felt successful. That boosted my confidence to do better at work. When I got praised there, I was all over happier & that led me to being able to find love. You don't have to do it in that order or with those subjects but do take an action that will lead to a small success & build from there.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

 

Once you get to the place where you love yourself and are OK being alone, it gets better. Where every love is a bonus and a gift, whether it's you loving someone or them loving you.

 

 

Couldn't agree with this more!

[Mr. Lucky]

Hello. I'm not sure whether you're male or female.

 

I have this grandiose idea that once my job becomes stable I can finally furnish my apartment, find a great girl, be happy with my social circle and family, etc.,

 

Assuming the OP is straight, he's a guy.

 

hamsterhouse, I'll simply add your conduct is self-defeating. Snark and anger only isolate you further, giving you more reasons to be bitter. You may find regular exercise and/or meditation would help with your feelings...

 

Mr. Lucky

[d0nnivain]

I have this grandiose idea that once my job becomes stable I can finally furnish my apartment, find a great girl, be happy with my social circle and family, etc., I'll be happy and outgoing again.

 

Basically I feel like I'm just searching for stability. What should I do?

 

You get stability by putting down roots. Get involved locally. Volunteer somewhere. Get to know the neighbors.

 

Do furnish your place. There are tons of places to get quality used furniture: garage sales, tag sales, estate sales, Habitat for Humanity etc. I would not buy soft items -- couches, mattresses etc. but tables, chairs, cabinets etc.

 

Feather your nest & then you will feel more like a grown up who is stable.

[Soak]

I suggest you put some distance between you and the people you are comparing yourself to..such as your friends. Everytime you hear about them and their lives, it'll make you feel like crap. It sounds selfish but it is affecting your state of mind and you need your mind to remain level headed and focused. I'd even disconnect from social media as well, if you have it. There is nothing worse than Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat etc. constantly bombarding us with our friends' and other peoples' filtered, false lifestyles. Ex. People travelling the world, everyone getting married, having children, people getting promotions at jobs.

 

Just disconnect from everything. The solitude will help you focus and you will start to put together this picture.

 

- Beach

 

I kinda what you mean, am in the same boat. Harness your own energy, find your own vibe in life. Solitude (without withdrawing completely) will give you the space to re-align yourself and see more clearly. The more i talk about it, the more i want to drive 200km and get away from the bustle.

[hamsterhouse]

Sorry for the delay, but thanks for the advice everybody. Yes, I am a guy. I've been nomadic for the past year and frankly I don't have much of a problem with it because it allows me diversity. That said, I've seen it's limitations, especially for the new city. I don't have many friends there, almost all acquaintances I've met through various jobs. I feel like some of these relationships don't blossom because of me being nomadic, but I am doing my part to keep them going.

 

I fully agree that I'm comparing myself to my peers. Sometimes it feels as if my social network has all grown up and I'm being left behind, but if I really take a step back and look at the situation I notice that people aren't actually treating me that way.

 

Sometimes it's easy to overlook the positives. For example, my new city has a lot of opportunity and it has been a struggle, but I've been meeting some great people who have allowed some doors to open. It's been slow, but that's where I've been relying on my old city to cover the slack. It kind of feels like I'm traversing a dark maze with only a candle and I feel the walls until I find an opening which takes me into the next room, getting closer and closer to the exit.

 

A major part of what's holding myself back is comfort and lack of consequence, meaning I have too much of a fallback in case I fail. I don't need to succeed in the new city because I have my friends and family back in my old city which I spend a lot of time in anyways. Long term though I know it's not sustainable, and I'm trying to recognize that to motivate me.

 

I think what I really need to do is dive in full force and tell myself that since I'm paying for an apartment in this great city, I might as well take advantage of it and see where things go. I'll have my old city as a fallback, but long term success is here. Obviously this is a common sense explanation, but it's easier to recognize it than practice it.

Edited July 22, 2018 by hamsterhouse

[amaysngrace]

Maybe look into being a Big Brother in your new city. Helping a child succeed is a great way to get involved in your community and will keep you grounded.

[Mr. Lucky]

I think what I really need to do is dive in full force and tell myself that since I'm paying for an apartment in this great city, I might as well take advantage of it and see where things go.

 

Are you familiar with the Meetup app? My son used it to find people of similar interests (hiking, video games, etc) when he relocated with great success. I also do some international travel by myself and use it to connect with local tennis and biking groups where I'm staying. I've always been impressed with the camaraderie and acceptance provided, might be worth considering to expand your network in this new city...

 

Mr. Lucky

[glows]

You sound unstable and it would make many leery of you. You must know by now that your chosen career or nomadic lifestyle does not exactly scream serious or marriage material. Put it this way: if you met a great girl in this city, why the hell would she want to get with you when you aren't able to offer any stability in the relationship, let alone life? Just when she's getting to know you, you're up and packing for somewhere else on another contract. Are you even sure you're ready for a relationship?

 

I agree with your last post: Take a stab at it and learn to put down some roots. Don't be too hasty bouncing around and don't rush the relationship front. When you've got your apartment and career and your other relationships(career-wise) in order, everything else will fall into place.

[preraph]

Moving towns is tough. I did it before the internet and wrote pages and pages of letters and in my journal out of loneliness, but once I got past that hard beginning, I found my niche there within a year and my life blossomed socially. So you sound depressed. Yes depression makes one crabby! Do work out extra. Get it off your chest on here. But glad you're going out and keeping things moving. That's important.

 

Meanwhile, you have aspirations to get on your feet financially, so use this slow time to take a small but fun second job, one where you make little money but meet people or are doing something you are interested in. Even 15 hours a week at $8 is $5000 more a year. So work two jobs -- you might even fall into something you like better or learn a new skill. That will expand your network. Keep you busy, make you money. Take the money from your main job and put it to expenses, but take the money from the part-time little job and spend it buying furniture. It's easy to get good cheap furniture now using neighborhood websites such as 5 Mile and Nextdoor, but you'll need a pickup and someone to help you carry it, probably. Good luck.