Boyfriend Issues!

[Namun]

To make a long story short (I will try to make it short), he basically broke up with me after two weeks of constant arguing (the last couples of months were really rough, a lot of silly arguments) and went on to have an affair with another girl immediately after our break up. After the first girl he had an affair with flew back to her home country he went out partying two days later with his friends and made out with some random chick (he was wasted, and told me he "drank to forget" which I find a bit hard to believe). This all happened during his exam period which was a period of 3 weeks (he was lonely, stressed, confused, horny and insecure I am assuming). Basically what he did I felt it was a rebound. He eventually came clean about his actions and told me he regrets everything and he is not proud of what he did, he thought the grass was greener on the other side and apologised (I kind of had to ask for it, but he apologised again a couple days later). He wants me back but I think he has no clue how to make things better, I eventually gave him a second chance.

 

We're cool now. BUT! I have from time to time a feeling of confusion and regret for taking him back because I have had awkward moments with him when I have thoughts of what he did. I love him and he says he loves me a lot (tells me very often). He says he has no interest in the girl he had an affair with, I don’t know if I should believe him (he proposed to go on vacation with her a day after she left but he told her that he can’t promise it). I don’t even know if it was just pure lust or something romantic. I am leaving in 2 months for a 6 months internship abroad so it makes the situation for me even more complicated because I don’t know if I can trust him while I am away, he fears that I will go on to have an affair. He really doesn't know to be alone anymore it would seem.

 

UPDATE: We had a little argument last evening and a hours later his grandfather passed away. Since then he has been very distant hasn't text me much (at all rather). I feel that I am the one who again who has to put in effort to make this relationship work. I haven't seen much from his side since we got back together.

 

ANY ADVICE ON HOW TO COPE WITH THIS WOULD BE GREATLY APPRECIATED!

[darkmoon]

""drank to forget" which I find a bit hard to believe"

 

 

""He really doesn't know to be alone anymore it would seem"

 

 

you say that he is a liar and once you call somebody a liar, it makes it hard to communicate, so stop doing it, he had lost his grand-dad, so give him time, stop making out he is a liar, and stop arguing and splitting up

Edited July 18, 2018 by darkmoon

[Namun]

""drank to forget" which I find a bit hard to believe"

 

 

""He really doesn't know to be alone anymore it would seem"

 

 

you say that he is a liar and once you call somebody a liar, it makes it hard to communicate, so stop doing it, he had lost his grand-dad, so give him time, stop making out he is a liar, and stop arguing and splitting up

 

 

So do you think there's still hope in this relationship? Even if I felt like I was cheated on?

[Els]

If you were broken up, it isn't really an "affair" or "cheating". The term "affair" is usually reserved for someone who sleeps around while still IN a relationship, usually a very long-term one or a marriage.

 

 

 

That being said, him sleeping with someone else the minute he was single again is a pretty crummy thing to do, so I wouldn't blame you at all for not wanting to carry on with him. I wouldn't. I think you should go your own way and enjoy your internship abroad. You sound rather young, you shouldn't be tying yourself down to a relationship you're not even enjoying with a man who went to bed with another woman immediately after breaking up with you.

 

 

Leave him, go for your internship, meet some other boys.

[Namun]

If you were broken up, it isn't really an "affair" or "cheating". The term "affair" is usually reserved for someone who sleeps around while still IN a relationship, usually a very long-term one or a marriage.

 

 

 

That being said, him sleeping with someone else the minute he was single again is a pretty crummy thing to do, so I wouldn't blame you at all for not wanting to carry on with him. I wouldn't. I think you should go your own way and enjoy your internship abroad. You sound rather young, you shouldn't be tying yourself down to a relationship you're not even enjoying with a man who went to bed with another woman immediately after breaking up with you.

 

 

Leave him, go for your internship, meet some other boys.

 

Thank you for your advice! Yes, I was also trying to convince myself that it wasn't actual cheating. It was just shocking and painful to hear that he met someone so quick and flirting led to one thing and another. We're both 19 and still in college. I do want to end it because I don't know how long I will be able to keep it up, it's just that this small fear of him and his family hating me for leaving him at such a fragile time really bothers me.

[darkmoon]

So do you think there's still hope in this relationship? Even if I felt like I was cheated on?

 

 

I think he is in no fit state since he has just been bereaved, and he is busy with family, comforting them, and himself too, he is not thinking about you atmo

 

 

 

think positive, you can not keep accusing him, but just hope he calls you, and assure him that you have learned a lot, and needed to do some growing, by which I mean, no more accusations when he has said all he can to clear his name

 

 

you can not keep calling without offering him something, so make him an offer he can not refuse, you know him, you know what will make him happy, work on that

[GoreSP]

This all happened during his exam period which was a period of 3 weeks (he was lonely, stressed, confused, horny and insecure I am assuming).

 

Are you willing to deal with this behaviour every time he gets lonely, stressed, confused, horny and insecure?

Because this will happen again.

 

I am assuming this isn't his first or last exam period. There are many stressful event through life so you can expect this wasn't a one time deal.

[Namun]

I think he is in no fit state since he has just been bereaved, and he is busy with family, comforting them, and himself too, he is not thinking about you atmo

 

 

 

think positive, you can not keep accusing him, but just hope he calls you, and assure him that you have learned a lot, and needed to do some growing, by which I mean, no more accusations when he has said all he can to clear his name

 

 

you can not keep calling without offering him something, so make him an offer he can not refuse, you know him, you know what will make him happy, work on that

 

Thank you! I will keep that in mind, for sure this is the time I need to take and think carefully what I really want. I can understand it's not an easy period for him, I can also give him space and hopefully he'll call or text me when his ready to return.

[Namun]

Are you willing to deal with this behaviour every time he gets lonely, stressed, confused, horny and insecure?

Because this will happen again.

 

I am assuming this isn't his first or last exam period. There are many stressful event through life so you can expect this wasn't a one time deal.

 

Yes! Every time when exam period arrives he tends to become very moody, stressful etc. I want him to focus on his studies so he can pass (because his mom is one strict mom) and that I will always support and encourage him. But when I am there with him he says I am a distraction, but when I don't come visit him to not distract him he says that I don't care about him or his exams.

[d0nnivain]

Do you even understand that his present mood & the so called distance you claim to be experiencing is not about you? His grandfather died! He's in mourning. If you can't drop all of your concerns right now & be there for him without asking anything in return just leave the poor guy alone because you are no good for him.

 

As for the rest, all I see is college boy who handled stress badly. Between exams, all the fights & your break up -- he got drunk & sought temporary comfort in the arms of other women. He didn't cheat on you.

 

These bouts of insecurity you experience because your BF told you the truth about what he did while you were broken up are your issue. He didn't do anything wrong & it's unfair of you to punish him. If you can't put the past in the past & move forward just end this.

[Namun]

Do you even understand that his present mood & the so called distance you claim to be experiencing is not about you? His grandfather died! He's in mourning. If you can't drop all of your concerns right now & be there for him without asking anything in return just leave the poor guy alone because you are no good for him.

 

As for the rest, all I see is college boy who handled stress badly. Between exams, all the fights & your break up -- he got drunk & sought temporary comfort in the arms of other women. He didn't cheat on you.

 

These bouts of insecurity you experience because your BF told you the truth about what he did while you were broken up are your issue. He didn't do anything wrong & it's unfair of you to punish him. If you can't put the past in the past & move forward just end this.

 

I understood that he is being distant not because of me but because he's in mourning.I told him that if he ever needs to talk I will always be there for him, I never asked anything in return. As far as I am concerned I have been there more for him than him for me as if I am taken advantage of. I am not the type to quickly blame or punish others, it would take some serious matter and I think this for me was not healthy for me or him.

 

There's a lot of stuff that I didn't mention, like him being toxic but I don't want to get into that. But I do think you're right, it's not healthy.

[d0nnivain]

There's a lot of stuff that I didn't mention, like him being toxic but I don't want to get into that. But I do think you're right, it's not healthy.

 

Him being toxic is way more important then some rebound girl. Why did you omit the most important detail?

 

If he's toxic why did you take him back? He didn't suddenly stop being toxic.

[Els]

Thank you for your advice! Yes, I was also trying to convince myself that it wasn't actual cheating. It was just shocking and painful to hear that he met someone so quick and flirting led to one thing and another. We're both 19 and still in college. I do want to end it because I don't know how long I will be able to keep it up, it's just that this small fear of him and his family hating me for leaving him at such a fragile time really bothers me.

 

 

I agree, you probably shouldn't drop it on him right now. Give him time to mourn first. But you should end it later on.

[Namun]

Him being toxic is way more important then some rebound girl. Why did you omit the most important detail?

 

If he's toxic why did you take him back? He didn't suddenly stop being toxic.

 

I apologise I left out the most important detail. But since we're talking about it I would like to go a bit into the details as to why he was toxic.

 

He comes from a very rich family, and I should have left sooner when I found out they were starting to control my life. I was told what to do and what to wear. To be honest they are very nice people! But I don't really appreciate the fact that they sometimes judge people, humiliate and look down on middle class and lower class people. I almost forgot to mention that him and his mom don't really apologise if they are in the wrong.

 

It seems off topic but the majority of our arguments are based more or less on what I just mentioned here above.

 

There are also other aspect like I felt like I was being taken advantage of (he doesn't seem very aware of it). I made more physically effort to show him that I love him, he shows it more emotionally. I can go on and on but I think it's enough for now.

[smackie9]

Make your life a little easier.....kick him out of your life. Whatever you had before, is long gone, you can't get that back. Once you step away from this for awhile, you will see you deserve better, and can move on.

 

 

Who cares what his family will think of you....you are not in their life anymore either.