A difficult choice

[Wanderlust1]

Hi. First time here.

 

I'm really confused in my relationship.

 

My girlfriend is a wonderful person. Caring, well intentioned and supportive. In fact, it is this inner beauty that hooked me from the start. She's just the most precious, unspoiled person you could ever find.

 

She also has depression. It's a day or two every week or so of pretty strong stuff. Her depression centers around a negative self image but also brings me into it since she often feels too ugly or not good enough for me. She's actually petite and quite sexy. But her depression has her thinking otherwise no matter how much she hears it from me.

 

The problem is after a year or so together, she just had the biggest depression episode I've ever seen. We were on a 3 mile walk and she asked me to give her a piggy back ride. I said not during a 3 mile walk. Any other time. She got upset and started walking faster. Then she stopped walking. I kept walking and decided not to be pulled in to her drama this time. She came back an hour later, then left again to go walk to the top of a small mountain nearby. I didn't know about this extra walk she took until later.

 

So we have 2 solid days of her in super depression after this. She's not talking, barely eating, but work and life must go on for me. So I give her the space she's often needed for depression while also keeping a positive attitude in my own mind.

 

Ay the end of the 2 days, she's starting to talk and it's about her wanting to die. It's also about if I can take care of the cat when she's gone. Also she explained what happened. During the walk, she said she felt heavy and couldn't walk from depression. It wasn't a tantrum type thing I had thought. She also said she felt I don't love her and was lying to her about loving her.

 

But the suicide stuff was real. So I was about to get her to an ER. Faced with a trip to the ER, she snapped out of this episode.

 

While explaining things about her episode to me after the fact, she had some very telling feelings. First, she said I'd probably be better off without her. Also that I'd be better off as a single guy. These are things I've been wondering about myself. Should I stay in another relationship with someone with mental health issues? I was a caregiver for a decade with an ex wife who had borderline. I'm not sure I can do it again. There are so many problems with her and with myself. It would take many pages to explain them all. I hope to use this thread to work through them one by one and get input as to if the community thinks staying and working on it is the right thing to do. If not, I'm planning on just being single for life.

 

Does it seem worth trying so far?

[d0nnivain]

Significant others are not qualified to treat their partner's depression. Even if you are a doctor or medical professional, you can't treat your family member because you are too close.

 

I have given partners & friends ultimatums in your shoes. The person has to get therapy & follow the doctor's instructions or the relationship with me is over. Most times it works & the person get the help they need.

 

My EX BF & I broke up for other reasons; while he was with me he was compliant with doctor's orders. He moved to another state & stopped taking his meds. 2 years later he killed himself but that is not on me. I had no ability to control him nor could I have done more then I did to get him healthy.

 

I have another friend who is in a very bad place right now. Yesterday I finally got her to the doctor. The doctor is treating her. I can be her friend all day long but I can't fix her. She has to do that with a physician's help. I'm also struggling with accepting that she's her own worst enemy & throwing up all sorts of road blocks because she prefers martyrdom right now.

[Mr. Lucky]

There are so many problems with her and with myself. It would take many pages to explain them all. I hope to use this thread to work through them one by one and get input as to if the community thinks staying and working on it is the right thing to do. If not, I'm planning on just being single for life.

 

Does it seem worth trying so far?

 

I think d0nnivain nailed it. The only thing you should be working on right now is you. Get her the help she needs, even if you have to disclose the suicide threats in order to do so. And then focus on your own needs and life.

 

I wouldn't make any big decisions ("I'm planning on just being single for life") under these circumstances...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Garlend]

Okay, first of all, at the ripe old age of twenty-two I met my first girlfriend in a local mental health facility while undergoing treatment for depression after leaving the army. I never realized at the time she was severely schizophrenic. But I soon learned the definition of this term during our traumatic relationship. One day, for no apparent reason, she decided to kill herself with one of my utility knives. After rushing her to the hospital, I decided to stay with her until she decided to carve me up one night with a kitchen knife.

 

After I left her, roughly two years later, I received a phone call from a buddy after returning home from work. He told me this very troubled woman had killed herself with a .38 Special round to her chest. I could only drop to my knees and cry. But I could not have possibly prevented this tragedy from occurring.

 

I seriously think you should concentrate on trying to get through your own personal turmoil without taking on the responsibility of trying to save someone else from their own demons right now. You don't need that kind of stress.