Is the OM ghosting me?

[Veronica73]

I don't know what to tell you about most of your situation. But seriously, stop worrying about this dude you hooked up with once. It doesn't matter what he thinks. He's just one dude who wanted to hook up with you. He doesn't matter whatsoever at all. His opinion is absolutely meaningless.

[William]

Due to a report of solicitation I stopped by this thread and did some cleanup. As a general advisory, moderation is seeing a marked uptick in new low-post-count members who are posting often provocative stories in our Infidelity and Marriage areas and we're watching this carefully.

 

Be mindful of threads appearing to incite an emotional reaction and report suspected content to moderation for review. There are five full-time moderators now and we definitely respond to all reports. Thanks!

[stillafool]

I am hurt and worried about all of it. This other guys rejection just makes me feel worse. Like I'm even more unwanted.

 

Like I said before I know I should leave. I am young and shouldn't live my life so unhappy. My husband is unhappy too. I'm just so scared of the what ifs and I know if I divorced I would be very depressed.

 

It's not an excuse but my parents were addicts growing up and we were poor. Really poor. I struggled for so long putting myself through college. Working my ass off trying to get out of proverty. Real proverty.

 

Because of my persistence my husband and I are well off. My son has a nice college fund that would have to end if we spilt. I know this in itself is not a reason for me to stay. I get it. I know.

 

But I am scared. And my husband is such a good guy. He really is. I know I'll never find someone like him who is so kind and giving. And he is the best father. I am at a loss. I really can't stop crying at what a mess I feel like I have made my life.

 

I know I'm wasting my life away.

 

Well I can guarantee that if you continue seeking attention from other men you will get caught and your good guy husband will end up with someone who respects him.

[RoseGold18]

[]

 

Stop saying you didn't have sex, you did, you had sex with another man so stop with the minimizing. Bringing other people into an already troubled marriage doesn't make the marriage better, it makes the marriage worse. You both need independent counselling, find out why sex isn't happening. If you can't find a way to get intimacy back, divorce because you both deserve to be happy. You will have to confess your infidelity, a secret that big is a marriage buster. I suggest you tell him the truth in the presence of your counselor so they can help with the aftermath. You can't undo what you have done but you can work on what is broken that got you into that position. Too many people are affected by the failure of your marriage, you both need to get real serious about fixing the problems like now.

 

In my opinion we didn't have sex. We did sexual activities but not P in V. Anyway not like that matters.

 

I want to fix my marriage. I don't want to leave. I just don't know how to fix it. We need counseling. I see no benefit from telling my husband if I'm not planning on doing it again. I know him well enough that he would leave me. And then what? I know it's probably what I deserve but that's not what I want. To me the "hookup" was purely sexual and I wasn't in love with the guy. I can separate the two. My husband can't. He is very inexperienced when it comes to relationships and sex. He wouldn't understand.

 

Why cause so much hurt for one stupid mistake. I already feel guilty about it. Me telling him wouldn't fix anything at all.

[RoseGold18]

Well I can guarantee that if you continue seeking attention from other men you will get caught and your good guy husband will end up with someone who respects him.

 

Agreed. But hopefully she is asexual as well because if not she will be very disappointed. I know there are a ton of women out there like that. My brother is married to one of them and he just puts up with it because he loves her and he is too shy.

[central]

I think you're upset over this abortive encounter because you felt something you've been craving and missing for a long time. Your husband certainly isn't behaving as a husband should.

 

Seriously, if you've talked with him and he does nothing, it's time to divorce him. If that isn't a wake-up call that prompts him to change, then nothing will, and you should go forward with divorce. The other alternatives are less attractive: negotiate an open relationship so you can honestly get your needs met by someone else, or continue to cheat. Many encounters - either way - won't go anywhere at all or fail after one meet, many will fizzle out over time, but having hope and a chance to meet your needs is better than living like this. Still, I think your best solution is a divorce - it's honest, decisive, and opens up tremendous opportunities to be happy.

[stillafool]

In my opinion we didn't have sex. We did sexual activities but not P in V. Anyway not like that matters.

 

I want to fix my marriage. I don't want to leave. I just don't know how to fix it. We need counseling. I see no benefit from telling my husband if I'm not planning on doing it again. I know him well enough that he would leave me. And then what? I know it's probably what I deserve but that's not what I want. To me the "hookup" was purely sexual and I wasn't in love with the guy. I can separate the two. My husband can't. He is very inexperienced when it comes to relationships and sex. He wouldn't understand.

 

Why cause so much hurt for one stupid mistake. I already feel guilty about it. Me telling him wouldn't fix anything at all.

 

Maybe your husband finding this out is what you need to force you to move on to find true happiness. You can have all the material things in the world but it won't bring you happiness. You will just end up cheating again and again until you won't recognize yourself.

[Mr. Lucky]

Like I said before I know I should leave. I am young and shouldn't live my life so unhappy. My husband is unhappy too.

 

I know I'm wasting my life away.

 

Me telling him wouldn't fix anything at all.

 

Which of these is true?

 

Mr. Lucky

[RoseGold18]

Which of these is true?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I guess both. Even if I decided to leave I still wouldn't tell him about the one time I cheated. I will take that to my grave.

 

I know it would probably be best to leave but I'm not ready yet.

[bathtub-row]

Sorry - I can’t read all the responses here. I just want to say that your husband is a lousy husband, regardless of whether he’s a good father or not. He makes you feel alone and unloved. Not good.

 

I have no idea what happened with the other guy. Perhaps he was lying to you about the open marriage, and maybe the apartment was actually a friend’s. Who knows? It could be a million things. I can see where it would be hurtful.

 

I don’t know what you should do. I know that kids really do complicate things so it’s a tough decision. I know that when I was in my 30’s, I wouldn’t have stayed with a man who didn’t have sex with me. That would’ve been a complete dealbreaker. I’m sorry you’re going through this. If it were me, I’d leave.

[HiCrunchy]

Sorry - I can’t read all the responses here. I just want to say that your husband is a lousy husband, regardless of whether he’s a good father or not. He makes you feel alone and unloved. Not good.

 

I know that when I was in my 30’s, I wouldn’t have stayed with a man who didn’t have sex with me. That would’ve been a complete dealbreaker. I’m sorry you’re going through this. If it were me, I’d leave.

 

You make it sound like she is a victim here... no no no no.

Too much coddling in this thread.

 

She CHEATED on her husband and is sad the **** boi that used her to get off won't come back and help her CHEAT on her husband again.

And HE is the lousy husband? yeah, no don't think so...

 

 

 

 

 

OP you ****ed up bad. Yes, your husband isn't meeting your needs, but that doesn't mean cheating is the answer. You need to get ur big girl panties on and tell him you don't want to be with him anymore. You aren't sexually compatible and that is okay.

 

Be with someone that can meet your needs.

Let him be with someone that loves him enough not the betray him.

Edited June 27, 2018 by HiCrunchy

[bathtub-row]

You make it sound like she is a victim here... no no no no.

Too much coddling in this thread.

 

She CHEATED on her husband and is sad the **** boi that used her to get off won't come back and help her CHEAT on her husband again.

And HE is the lousy husband? yeah, no don't think so...

 

OP you ****ed up bad. Yes, your husband isn't meeting your needs, but that doesn't mean cheating is the answer. You need to get ur big girl panties on and tell him you don't want to be with him anymore. You aren't sexually compatible and that is okay.

 

Be with someone that can meet your needs.

Let him be with someone that loves him enough not the betray him.

 

I'll just say that unless a person walks into a marriage with full disclosure about not wanting sex, then they're walking into the marriage lying and tricking their partner. While I'm very opposed to cheating, the partner who's lying about an issue as serious as sex has opened Pandora's box.

 

Btw, how many men do you know who aren't interested in sex? Wait. Let's see - very, very few. The 2 main categories that immediately come to mind are 1) men who have a low sex drive and 2) gay men who hide under the pretense of marriage and screw around on the side. My guess is, her husband has chosen Door Number 2.

[Mr. Lucky]

I guess both.

 

You know that's not a real answer.

 

And you know it because you're trying to make "both" work right now - how's that going?

 

Rather than considering just the negatives, you might think about the considerable positives a healthy choice presents...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Colin Grant]

Most come here to right there wrongs, and to get advice on how to do so. If that's the case, it starts with integrity and honesty. If you're not sold on making life changes, then you have to reconsider many things, including what you wish from us here at LS. Integrity is pretty black and white. There's no maybe's or perhaps. It's yes to what's right and no to what's wrong. You have to decide what side of integrity you wish to live your life. If on the right side, one of the first things to realize is you make decisions so that other's can benefit. Not for your benefit.

 

Take some time to decide. By the way, there are multiple beneficiaries for your decision to live an integrity filled life. Everyone around you literally benefits. You, your husband, your children, parents, siblings, community, church.Those on the wrong side of integrity, exists, slime-balls, perverts and losers who pay a fee to Ashley Madison, and other like type sites to prey on the weak, lost and vulnerable, just like themselves. Based on your description of your hook-up, I can see why your husband would be ticked off. You sound like you know what you're doing and are good at that. He married you so that it was ALL his. He's all yours. Return the favor.

Edited June 28, 2018 by Colin Grant

[Maraud3r]

I feel like I betrayed my husband who is one of the kindest persons I know. I've betrayed my son who I love more than anything in this world.

I don't see the problem here if you feel that way, because that's exactly what you did.

I am worth more than a no strings attached relationship but I just want to feel wanted and I want passion.

See here's where I disagree with the "lukewarm" people on the forum who espouse platitudes and feel good stuff. There's two factors that determine ones worth.

 

1. What one believes they are worth and charges.

2. What others are willing to "pay" so to speak.

 

Based on those two factors. Right now you are worth no strings attached sex on the side with no need to ever call you back. It's your and the other guys actions that got you here. You can't really change the pricing with him anymore and once your husband finds out this is likely to be what you are worth to him to. You already messed up, only chance is to do better in the future and a new relationship.

 

I would like to believe that the guy that cut things off with me got a conscious and decided to stop having affairs but I don't think that's the case. Maybe I didn't perform in a way he liked. I have no idea.

See here's the problem. You don't exactly get to judge him. You are married yourself. You stepped out of your own marriage. You are as bad as he is. You say he "got a conscious and stopped" but you are guilty of the same crimes he isn.

 

I have never been rejected like this before.

And this is what this is basically about, isn't it? He hit you right in the self esteem and pretty hard at that. Did you at some poin forget that you were still married?

 

You're older now than you were in the past, you're also a mother and technically married. All of this lowers your market value, makes you unattractive as a possible partner and means some random fling is what most guys would want out of you.

[Maraud3r]

I am hurt and worried about all of it. This other guys rejection just makes me feel worse. Like I'm even more unwanted.

Not trying to be mean but that's likely because you are. You're not a good prospective for a relationship or anything more serious than a short fling. Married, mother, likely 30+. These things add up, the same way you find things about guys that make them unattractive.

 

Like I said before I know I should leave. I am young and shouldn't live my life so unhappy. My husband is unhappy too. I'm just so scared of the what ifs and I know if I divorced I would be very depressed.

I agree. You absolutely SHOULD leave. Not for your sake but for that of your husband and child. The damage you've already done is incredible and you seem to not realize this at all.

 

The only reason you seem to be with your husband is that he's convenient, safe and secure. If the other guy would've wanted you, would you have jumped boat?

 

As for "still young", may I inquire just how "young" you are. There's a chance you aren't quite as young as you may believe you are. You also wont get your "single life" back. You're still a mother, will then be a single mother. You've already made some very important and impactful choices in your life which will fundamentally set the course for everything that is going to happen from here on out.

 

It's not an excuse but my parents were addicts growing up and we were poor. Really poor. I struggled for so long putting myself through college. Working my ass off trying to get out of proverty. Real proverty.

And giant red flag right there already. You say your family (parents) are bad. What about your brother and other possible siblings. Because if they're also affected by it, so is their friends circle and the guy you chose was part of it. If this is indeed the case, you seem to be set on going back in a way.

 

Because of my persistence my husband and I are well off. My son has a nice college fund that would have to end if we spilt. I know this in itself is not a reason for me to stay. I get it. I know.

Wait, "because of your persistence"? So, I guess your husbands earns far less, is far less succesful or an outright stay at home dad? Otherwise it would be a shared achievment, not yours.

 

I know I'm wasting my life away.

While you have relationship issues, quite severe ones at that. There is a good chance you weren't "wasting your life away" beyond that. You've seem to set yourself into a negative loop at some point where you convinced yourself there's so much stuff out there waiting for you. It really isn't.

 

What exactly do you think you were "missing", how were you "wasting" your life. I guess your son isn't worthwhile, neither was your marriage, career, husband etc.

[stillafool]

In my opinion we didn't have sex. We did sexual activities but not P in V. Anyway not like that matters.

 

I want to fix my marriage. I don't want to leave. I just don't know how to fix it. We need counseling. I see no benefit from telling my husband if I'm not planning on doing it again. I know him well enough that he would leave me. And then what? I know it's probably what I deserve but that's not what I want. To me the "hookup" was purely sexual and I wasn't in love with the guy. I can separate the two. My husband can't. He is very inexperienced when it comes to relationships and sex. He wouldn't understand.

 

Why cause so much hurt for one stupid mistake. I already feel guilty about it. Me telling him wouldn't fix anything at all.

 

You would still be cheating if the OM wanted you; but since he doesn't you want to fix your marriage and let's be honest you don't want to tell your husband about your "hook up" because you know it would blow up your life. Not that you care how your actions affected your husband. You say your husband is very inexperienced when it comes to relationships and sex - so you're saying you have a lot of experience with sex and can separate love from sex. Did your husband know how "experienced" you are before he married you? This could be the problem.

[bathtub-row]

You would still be cheating if the OM wanted you; but since he doesn't you want to fix your marriage and let's be honest you don't want to tell your husband about your "hook up" because you know it would blow up your life. Not that you care how your actions affected your husband. You say your husband is very inexperienced when it comes to relationships and sex - so you're saying you have a lot of experience with sex and can separate love from sex. Did your husband know how "experienced" you are before he married you? This could be the problem.

 

And just maybe her husband is having way more sex than his wife realizes. I’m always suspicious of guys claiming no interest in sex. Personally, I’d walk away from this mess because even if he really has an aversion to sex, I’m sure he didn’t disclose that little piece of information before they married.

[BluesPower]

You make it sound like she is a victim here... no no no no.

Too much coddling in this thread.

 

She CHEATED on her husband and is sad the **** boi that used her to get off won't come back and help her CHEAT on her husband again.

And HE is the lousy husband? yeah, no don't think so...

 

No way this tone is justified. Good grief, she is married to an asexual that played himself off as something else. The other half is correct but give me a break with that crap.

 

A man that does not take care of his woman's sexual needs is not a man. Frankly, he should expect to get cheated on, or he is a moron.

 

Plain and simple. Good grief she is 35 years old.

 

Yes cheating was a bad decision, but she should have already divorced this guy.

 

No person, male or female, should stand for sexless marriages. Frankly if you are not having sex you are not married IMHO.

 

I really have to totally disagree with what you are saying...

[RoseGold18]

You would still be cheating if the OM wanted you; but since he doesn't you want to fix your marriage and let's be honest you don't want to tell your husband about your "hook up" because you know it would blow up your life. Not that you care how your actions affected your husband. You say your husband is very inexperienced when it comes to relationships and sex - so you're saying you have a lot of experience with sex and can separate love from sex. Did your husband know how "experienced" you are before he married you? This could be the problem.

 

Yes, that's true. I would still be cheating if the OM wanted me. Maybe it's a blessing in disguise that now I can try to fix things in my own marriage instead of focusing on this OM.

 

Look, I know what I did was wrong and there is no excuse for it. But I feel like I'm going through some midlife crisis and I made a mistake.

 

My husband did know I was way more experienced than him. I've had 4-5 long term relationships and a few FWB situations before I was dating my husband. It didn't bother him. I've only had sex with 9 people but I've made out etc... with over 30.

 

I'm only my husbands second relationship and I think he has had sex with like 4 people. No random hook ups.

[RoseGold18]

No way this tone is justified. Good grief, she is married to an asexual that played himself off as something else. The other half is correct but give me a break with that crap.

 

A man that does not take care of his woman's sexual needs is not a man. Frankly, he should expect to get cheated on, or he is a moron.

 

Plain and simple. Good grief she is 35 years old.

 

Yes cheating was a bad decision, but she should have already divorced this guy.

 

No person, male or female, should stand for sexless marriages. Frankly if you are not having sex you are not married IMHO.

 

I really have to totally disagree with what you are saying...

 

Thank you. I agree.

 

He doesn't seem to think that he is asexual but I know he is. We haven't French kissed since our wedding when we said I do and we have sex like once every 6 months after I complain about it. We never cuddle... nothing!!!

 

I am losing my damn mind.

 

I thought last night that what I could do is tell my husband that I will teach him exactly what to do and what I like. Step by step. He has no clue. I am going to tell him that this is the only way we can try to save our marriage.

[Adotta]

I "love" how people are judging her husband as a lying asexual on her words alone. As if this woman isn't foggy and wayward as ****.

 

She has probably done as much to damage their sex life as he has if not more. I'm sure she hasn't exactly bent over backwards to work on the problem with him. Has she looked into testosterone treatments? Maybe he has some issues tied up into his view on sex.

 

Fact is all we know is what she tells us. And for perspective she has said a lot of contradictory things so far. Like she only thinks of this as a fling. Unimportant and her husband wouldn't understand. Then she goes and admits it's a betrayal to her husband and child. I'm thinking there is some marriage history rewriting. I would really like to hear what her husband has to say about their sex life. It wouldn't surprise me if he had something drasticly different from the story she told so far. Has noone here ever been with a woman how makes sex unbearable? Maybe he would say she is at fault.

 

Whenever women come on here and claim their husbands are asexual or inexperienced I get suspicious. How the hell could a man be inexperienced after a decade or two married to a woman that seems to be plenty experienced? And low testosterone usually comes off as asexual. OR maybe hubby can't get hard for his self labeled "beautiful" wife. Maybe he is after younger game...? Better game?

 

And to those acting like he tricked her into marriage... How dumb can you be? What?? They didn't have any sex before marriage? Was the sex good before then suddenly bad??!! NO it's wasn't. She ****ing KNEW what she was getting. She decided it was worth the cost of admission back then and now she has changed her mind.

 

And blues ...... I thought better of you. NO ONE DESERVES TO BE CHEATED ON. NO ONE!!!! I can't believe you would ever say that after what you went through.

 

OP Please do work on sex with your husband. Look into low level testosterone males. I'm serious! I have mentioned this before and people don't ****ing pay attention. Some men don't have high t levels. NO testosterone means no sex drive!! What's the problem with going and getting tested???!!

 

Teach him step by step how to please you if need be. The best way to fix your problem is WITH your husband. Not with some other men who are likely to give you an std and destroy your family if discovered.

Edited June 28, 2018 by Adotta

[RoseGold18]

Not trying to be mean but that's likely because you are. You're not a good prospective for a relationship or anything more serious than a short fling. Married, mother, likely 30+. These things add up, the same way you find things about guys that make them unattractive.

 

I agree with this 100%, and that is part of the problem. I feel so undesired by my husband, so unattractive after becoming a mother, and I want to feel young again.

 

The only reason you seem to be with your husband is that he's convenient, safe and secure. If the other guy would've wanted you, would you have jumped boat?

 

This is pretty accurate.

 

As for "still young", may I inquire just how "young" you are. There's a chance you aren't quite as young as you may believe you are. You also wont get your "single life" back. You're still a mother, will then be a single mother. You've already made some very important and impactful choices in your life which will fundamentally set the course for everything that is going to happen from here on out.

 

I am 35. And that is the problem is that I've made these major life decisions that I can't change. I don't want to be a single mother. I have absolutely no family support. I would have to do it all on my own, and I don't think I can.

 

And giant red flag right there already. You say your family (parents) are bad. What about your brother and other possible siblings. Because if they're also affected by it, so is their friends circle and the guy you chose was part of it. If this is indeed the case, you seem to be set on going back in a way.

 

Good point, however their mutual friends are more through my brothers work. So really has no relation to the fact that I grew up in a dysfunctional household.

 

Wait, "because of your persistence"? So, I guess your husbands earns far less, is far less succesful or an outright stay at home dad? Otherwise it would be a shared achievment, not yours.

 

Hard to explain, but it was my persistence 100%. My husband had well over 40K in credit card debt when we first started dating, we both had student loans, and 2 car loans. I took out a personal loan in my name and wiped out his credit card debt while we were engaged. I took over the finances and paid all our debt by taking over the finances. Now we invest every month since we are debt free. We make about the same amount, but the fact that I know how to invest for retirement, and I know about finances we are doing really well. Without me my husband would be in bad shape financially, and he knows it.

 

While you have relationship issues, quite severe ones at that. There is a good chance you weren't "wasting your life away" beyond that. You've seem to set yourself into a negative loop at some point where you convinced yourself there's so much stuff out there waiting for you. It really isn't.

 

You're probably right about there is not much waiting for me out there, which is also part of the reason why I don't want to leave.

 

What exactly do you think you were "missing", how were you "wasting" your life. I guess your son isn't worthwhile, neither was your marriage, career, husband etc.

 

My son is 100% worth it all the time, but I feel like I've lost myself becoming a mother. I seriously feel like I am going through a midlife crisis.

[BaileyB]

 

I thought last night that what I could do is tell my husband that I will teach him exactly what to do and what I like. Step by step. He has no clue. I am going to tell him that this is the only way we can try to save our marriage.

 

No, you should get yourselves off to marriage counselling if you have a hope of saving this marriage! You’ve got way bigger problems than can be solved by a simple instruction session... You are more than a little late for this...

[RoseGold18]

Not trying to be mean but that's likely because you are. You're not a good prospective for a relationship or anything more serious than a short fling. Married, mother, likely 30+. These things add up, the same way you find things about guys that make them unattractive..

 

This is why I wasn't looking for a "relationship". I just wanted to have a long term affair, and apparently I am not good enough for that either. Not that is matters, but I am 35, but I look like I am about 24. I am very petite and in good shape. I don't look like the typical 35 year old.