Is the OM ghosting me?

[AlwaysGrowing]

Her 'clearly feeling' that he's the thing she 'clearly feels' he is, doesn't make it so. In other words, what she THINKS her husband is, isn't necessarily what he ACTUALLY is. Viva la difference. I don't know if her husband is or isn't gay, but the likelihood of it is very strong. That's all I'm saying. Not sure why that's such a revolutionary concept, or perceived as me taking a giant leap over the grand canyon. It's a fairly obvious possibility.

 

I do, however, retract my initial perception that he tricked her into this sexless marriage. It appears that he didn't do that. However, they both should've discussed this issue in length before getting married because something like this will almost always become one huge, white elephant in the room.

 

Enter, white elephant.

 

Why are your assumptions more likely?

 

Do you know him? Have you observed him? Talked to him?

 

IMHO it is far more likely that the OP has it right.

 

As you can see OP, asexuality is an extremely divisive topic. We dont often hear about asexuality, so those that are asexual tend to avoid the topic as well, as it brings a boatload of judgement/shame on them.

 

Getting help from a professional will make it easier for you to make life decisions.

 

Your BH should not feel shame for being asexual nor should you feel shame for ending the marriage due to the lack of sexual intimacy.

[BluesPower]

Blues.... marriage is a contract. Fidelity is a promise. If she can't stay faithful she should divorce or tell him. Just because his libido is drasticly different to hers does not mean he should be manipulated and lied too.

 

I'll be honest blues. I look down on this husband too. Unless the op is a beastly woman in denial there are just about no reasons a man shouldn't be able to do this for his wife.

 

But it's not my right to say HE HAS TO BE ABLE TO DO THIS TO GET MARRIED. She agreed to marry him. She knew what she was signing up for and even more than that she could have gotten off the train at any point.

 

She doesn't get off the train. She does not leave. She decided to alter the contract and promise of marriage without his knowledge in an effort to keep all the benefits he offers.

 

This is a cold calculated decision to use him like a puppet.

 

Yeah your right blues. He IS A crappy husband, BUT HE IS STILL HUMAN. He is by her own admission a kind man. Does he REALLY deserve This? No he doesn't.

 

He deserves an honest straightforward divorce or an attempt and fixing the issue. Cheating is just insulting and degrading a man who doesn't deserve it.

 

Try as you might you will NEVER convince me this guy deserves to be her puppet , cash cow , worker and slave, just because he doesn't understand how important taking your woman to task in bed is. I could understand looking at this guy like he is an alien. I get it. Men like this seem ****ing stupid to me too, but to say he deserves what he gets? Hardly.

 

If she can't handle a sexless marriage and the fool isn't willing to fix it... divorce. That's the honorable thing to do. Not cheating. Not lying. Not manipulating. Your trying to say a little evil is ok in some situations. It's not. Bad is bad. Nuff said.

 

Just to restate the basics...

 

I am not saying that she was right to cheat, but in these cases it is beyond understand able. It would be better to divorce, and start over for sure.

 

The H here is not a puppet. He is quite content to be sexless. He likes it.

 

But if he knew he was gay or asexual before the marriage I have contempt for him. If he started to realize he was this way after the marriage, I have less contempt for him.

 

And to further make things suck, he will not even grant an open marriage to her so that at the very least she could get her physical needs met. And make no mistake it is a NEED.

 

Now, did she make a mistake marrying him in the first place, yes. But if he was just bad at sex and she had no real idea that he may be gay or asexual, then she was not stupid to at least think that he might get better with more practice, in the marriage.

 

So a marriage is supposed to be a romantic relationship, where you try to meet each others needs, and that includes sex.

 

So for me, I am not going to bash her for getting laid, I am bashing her for being stupid enough to stay this long.

 

People that are closet gay or asexual have no business getting married and making their partner suffer.

 

Regardless, OP has no choice except to end the marriage if she ever wants to live a normal happy life...

[bathtub-row]

Why are your assumptions more likely?

 

Do you know him? Have you observed him? Talked to him?

 

IMHO it is far more likely that the OP has it right.

 

As you can see OP, asexuality is an extremely divisive topic. We dont often hear about asexuality, so those that are asexual tend to avoid the topic as well, as it brings a boatload of judgement/shame on them.

 

Getting help from a professional will make it easier for you to make life decisions.

 

Your BH should not feel shame for being asexual nor should you feel shame for ending the marriage due to the lack of sexual intimacy.

 

For me, the issue with anyone who’s asexual is when they trick people into marrying them and then expect them to just deal with the issue. If the other party is aware of this issue, then fine. They haven’t done anything wrong. But that’s often not the case. They fake interest in sex but become different people once they’re married. Then they’re shocked when they get left or cheated on. I’m not out to make anyone feel shame for something they don’t want to do. What I’m concerned about is when trickery is used and then they blame the other party for their reaction to that. Anyone who underestimates the power of a sex drive is in for a rude awakening. The overwhelming need for sex is why our species survives and it’s a fallacy to think a person can be controlled into ignoring it. The seams will eventually burst.

 

Again, I’m not saying her husband IS gay. I’m saying it’s a strong possibility. Just because his wife lives with him doesn’t mean he isn’t. People fool their spouses all the time. I know people don’t like to acknowledge that but it doesn’t make it any less true.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, you have no clue if anything this man told you is true. You don't know if his marriage is actually open (probably not); you don't know if the apartment he took you to is actually even his - I'm guessing it's not, and it's really a friend's or family member's that he doesn't have access to all the time. Maybe he house-sits sometimes and the real owner is back in town and he can't use it.

 

My assumption is that you are not the only woman he's played around with, and he's found someone else who does have alternate accommodations for easy hookups. He certainly wasn't really looking for a relationship out of this. You are taking this so hard because you put you were counting your chickens before they hatched, and you are very unhappy in your marriage.

 

So yes, you have hugely difficult decision to make now. Your marriage is in serious trouble, and you chose a terribly risky coping mechanism that can't be undone. I have a feeling you'll be tempted to repeat an extra-marital fling in the future, so you need to have a serious come-to-Jesus talk with your husband about the future of the marriage.

[BaileyB]

Your marriage is in serious trouble, and you chose a terribly risky coping mechanism that can't be undone. I have a feeling you'll be tempted to repeat an extra-marital fling in the future, so you need to have a serious come-to-Jesus talk with your husband about the future of the marriage.

 

Agreed. I too think that you will be tempted to do this again, for two reasons. First, nothing has changed in your marriage and you are starved for sex and attention. I also think that you will be tempted because your ego has been bruised... you seem to want to prove to yourself that these men are wrong and you are not unloveable and undeairable. That would be a terrible reason to have an affair, but you would do it for validation.

 

Talk to your husband and go back to counselling, or leave your marriage. Those are your two options as I see them.

[HiCrunchy]

Blues.... marriage is a contract. Fidelity is a promise. If she can't stay faithful she should divorce or tell him. Just because his libido is drasticly different to hers does not mean he should be manipulated and lied too.

 

I'll be honest blues. I look down on this husband too. Unless the op is a beastly woman in denial there are just about no reasons a man shouldn't be able to do this for his wife.

 

But it's not my right to say HE HAS TO BE ABLE TO DO THIS TO GET MARRIED. She agreed to marry him. She knew what she was signing up for and even more than that she could have gotten off the train at any point.

 

She doesn't get off the train. She does not leave. She decided to alter the contract and promise of marriage without his knowledge in an effort to keep all the benefits he offers.

 

This is a cold calculated decision to use him like a puppet.

 

Yeah your right blues. He IS A crappy husband, BUT HE IS STILL HUMAN. He is by her own admission a kind man. Does he REALLY deserve This? No he doesn't.

 

He deserves an honest straightforward divorce or an attempt and fixing the issue. Cheating is just insulting and degrading a man who doesn't deserve it.

 

Try as you might you will NEVER convince me this guy deserves to be her puppet , cash cow , worker and slave, just because he doesn't understand how important taking your woman to task in bed is. I could understand looking at this guy like he is an alien. I get it. Men like this seem ****ing stupid to me too, but to say he deserves what he gets? Hardly.

 

If she can't handle a sexless marriage and the fool isn't willing to fix it... divorce. That's the honorable thing to do. Not cheating. Not lying. Not manipulating. Your trying to say a little evil is ok in some situations. It's not. Bad is bad. Nuff said.

 

Totally agree! Crappy husband, sure maybe. But calling him an abuser like blues was saying just because he wont put out....

[aliveagain]

I come from the medical world, dealing with HIV, Hepatitis B and Hepatitis C is my norm and the basis of my business. Just to be clear, you can get an STD from a simple finger insertion as well as from the exchange of bodily fluids, including oral. Whats crazy is thinking that you are safe if all you did was give each other oral. You also need to know that condoms won't protect you from everything. Saliva is also a bodily fluid.

[BaileyB]

Wow thanks for judging me. You have no idea what it's been like to walk in my shoes. I have never cheated before in my life.

 

I did think about condoms. Of course I did. I'm not a dumbass. That's why i didn't suggest sex while he was "servicing" me for 20 minutes. I told him before hand I was concerned about STDs.

 

We didn't discuss condoms before we messed around, but if he wanted sex I would've made him wear one. It's crazy to think otherwise.

 

Did you actually have one with you? Or, were you depending on him to bring a condom?

[RoseGold18]

Did you actually have one with you? Or, were you depending on him to bring a condom?

 

Him. If he didn't have one then I would not have had sex. Either way sex did not happen.

[HiCrunchy]

I come from the medical world, dealing with HIV, Hepatitis B and Hepatitis C is my norm and the basis of my business. Just to be clear, you can get an STD from a simple finger insertion as well as from the exchange of bodily fluids, including oral. Whats crazy is thinking that you are safe if all you did was give each other oral. You also need to know that condoms won't protect you from everything. Saliva is also a bodily fluid.

 

We need better sex ed education for all youths. Reading things like what the op regarding safe sex scare me.

[HiCrunchy]

If he didn't have one then I would not have had sex.

 

I'm not to sure about that.

But ill take ur word for it

Edited June 29, 2018 by HiCrunchy

[aliveagain]

Him. If he didn't have one then I would not have had sex. Either way sex did not happen.

 

Please allow me to correct you again, sex did happen, you had oral sex and orgasms did occur. Perhaps his penis didn't penetrate your vagina, you did penetrate each other orally, sex is sex. People come on here all the time and say things like "it never got physical, all we did was kiss and make out" blows my mind. Kissing is physical, holding hands is physical, rubbing each others privates through clothing is physical. I am sure that you would see it as sex if as an example some 28 year old guy put his penis in your 16 year old daughters mouth, assuming you had a 16 year old daughter. My point is you would have him charged. When you have to explain the oral sex to your husband one day please don't insult his intelligence by saying sex didn't happen. The other point is you fully intended to have sex, that was one of the reasons you opened an account on A/M.

 

There were so many other options available to you yet you chose A/M. What I got from your initial posts is that you feel cheated, you have the guilt of an affair but you never got to ride his pogo stick. Your married and for only 3 years, you have a young son and your choice was have an affair, come on girl. Divorce is less painful then humiliating him then divorcing him. Get yourself into independent counselling so you make better choices about your future and the future of your son.

Edited June 29, 2018 by aliveagain

[lhgirl]

I hear and understand the original angst of the first post. Rejection, no matter the source, is usually quite painful. I have been researching the subject recently and being made to feel invisible is one of the biggest wounds that could be inflicted emotionally.

 

Complete NC will have you feeling better in @ 30 days or so, hang in there. The tears and pain are from the feeling of rejection. Something you have not had to deal with from a stranger since you have been married for so long. Embrace the feelings and get to the root of them and try to work that pain out of your soul by healing old wounds if they exist.

 

There is also a lot of discussion @ the H. I have been in a relationship where I was told at the beginning it would be once a month at best sex. A few years later I couldn't take it and ended the relationship. The excuse he gave me after the breakup didn't make me feel any better - and it WAS a deliberate act for him to withhold sex.

 

I asked the ex-OM @ sex with his wife - he said it was only a couple of times a year because HE didn't want to. Which had nothing to do with virility but a lot more to do with using sex as a weapon (we never fooled around or slept together... - he just liked having the power of being wanted I think.)

 

 

If I don't have sex with my H at least 3 times a week, there is no living with him.

 

It seems to either be one extreme or the other with the men that are written about on here.

 

You are in a spot for certain. Try and don't make any decisions out of fear. It is the WORST emotion to factor into a decision. I'm not sure where life will lead you, but I am rooting for you.

[RoseGold18]

I hear and understand the original angst of the first post. Rejection, no matter the source, is usually quite painful. I have been researching the subject recently and being made to feel invisible is one of the biggest wounds that could be inflicted emotionally.

 

Complete NC will have you feeling better in @ 30 days or so, hang in there. The tears and pain are from the feeling of rejection. Something you have not had to deal with from a stranger since you have been married for so long. Embrace the feelings and get to the root of them and try to work that pain out of your soul by healing old wounds if they exist.

 

There is also a lot of discussion @ the H. I have been in a relationship where I was told at the beginning it would be once a month at best sex. A few years later I couldn't take it and ended the relationship. The excuse he gave me after the breakup didn't make me feel any better - and it WAS a deliberate act for him to withhold sex.

 

I asked the ex-OM @ sex with his wife - he said it was only a couple of times a year because HE didn't want to. Which had nothing to do with virility but a lot more to do with using sex as a weapon (we never fooled around or slept together... - he just liked having the power of being wanted I think.)

 

 

If I don't have sex with my H at least 3 times a week, there is no living with him.

 

It seems to either be one extreme or the other with the men that are written about on here.

 

You are in a spot for certain. Try and don't make any decisions out of fear. It is the WORST emotion to factor into a decision. I'm not sure where life will lead you, but I am rooting for you.

 

Thank you for this kind post. It's getting better every day but it still stings.

 

I'm planning on individual counseling as well as marriage counseling. I have too much to lose if I don't work on my marriage, but I need to work on myself too.

[DKT3]

Thank you for this kind post. It's getting better every day but it still stings.

 

I'm planning on individual counseling as well as marriage counseling. I have too much to lose if I don't work on my marriage, but I need to work on myself too.

 

I have kinda read this thread off and on so maybe I missed it, if your husband doesn't know about the cheating thing then marriage counseling is pointless.

[ExpatInItaly]

I have kinda read this thread off and on so maybe I missed it, if your husband doesn't know about the cheating thing then marriage counseling is pointless.

 

Exactly. Don't waste your money if you're not going to be honest with him or the counsellor, OP.

[RoseGold18]

Had a conversation with my husband regarding our options.

 

Shockingly.... he AGREED to an open marriage folks.

 

So there you have it. I have permission to do as I please.

[treehugger12]

Had a conversation with my husband regarding our options.

 

Shockingly.... he AGREED to an open marriage folks.

 

So there you have it. I have permission to do as I please.

 

WOW, good for you RG18, I’m happy for you that your working it out with your husband, did you tell him about your fling?

I’ve brought it up to my husband before but he basically brushed me off like I was crazy, I might have to bring it up again, you’ve inspired me:)

[HiCrunchy]

Had a conversation with my husband regarding our options.

 

Shockingly.... he AGREED to an open marriage folks.

 

So there you have it. I have permission to do as I please.

 

Please read up on safe sex.

[HiCrunchy]

Had a conversation with my husband regarding our options.

 

Shockingly.... he AGREED to an open marriage folks.

 

So there you have it. I have permission to do as I please.

 

Just out of curiosity, can he sleep with out women as well or is it just open your end?

[RoseGold18]

Just out of curiosity, can he sleep with out women as well or is it just open your end?

 

I told him he could and he said he wasn't interested.

 

He said he was just doing this to make me happy and to not bring it home.

 

Honestly, I wouldn't care.

[BaileyB]

I told him he could and he said he wasn't interested.

 

He said he was just doing this to make me happy and to not bring it home.

 

Honestly, I wouldn't care.

 

It certainly doesn’t speak much for your marriage if when faced with the prospect of a partner finding affection outside the marriage, neither one of you really seem to care.

[HiCrunchy]

It certainly doesn’t speak much for your marriage if when faced with the prospect of a partner finding affection outside the marriage, neither one of you really seem to care.

 

She is comfortable with the marriage. She doesn't want to lose things that she built up even if it means pretending that they are the ideal family in front of others. Being a divorced woman and single mother can carry some stigma (not that there is anything wrong inherently but "society"). This set up makes it so she can have her cake and eat it to.

 

At the end of the day, if her husband is willing to put up with it, its fine. Its their marriage.

[Aqulesco]

im so glad for you that he opted for an open marriage.. its like you never cheated in the first place. good luck finding safe, fun, mutually satisfying hook ups.

[BluesPower]

Had a conversation with my husband regarding our options.

 

Shockingly.... he AGREED to an open marriage folks.

 

So there you have it. I have permission to do as I please.

 

WOW, good for you RG18, I’m happy for you that your working it out with your husband, did you tell him about your fling?

I’ve brought it up to my husband before but he basically brushed me off like I was crazy, I might have to bring it up again, you’ve inspired me:)

 

To both of you girls... First to Rose, I am so happy for you.

 

And to Tree, I hope that he either wakes up and tries to meet your needs, or allows an open relationship.

 

Now, for me in both of your cases, I realize that you both want to keep the family together, and like your life styles, but for the life of me, I cannot understand why you or anyone would stay in a marriage like this where you cannot have a loving romantic sexual relationship...

 

But Rose, I am happy that you have some type of solution. Be safe, and try to be respectful of your husband, who in my estimation is not deserving of respect.

 

Have a good life...