Is the OM ghosting me?

[Purepony]

Bailey b is on the money !!!

[Bittersweetie]

My goodness. A woman with self respect would tell this lying, cheating, MARRIED man to keep walking... she would never give him the time of day.

 

A woman with self respect would never cheat on her husband. She would pay him the respect and dignity owing to any other human being, least of all the man she vowed to love, cherish, and honor for the rest of her life, the decency of honesty. She would end one relationship, before beginning another.

 

A woman with self respect would know that her marriage has BIG problems that will not be helped if she gets permission to cheat - oops, I mean convince her husband to "open" the marriage. Nothing against open marriage between two consenting adults, but you are doing it for all the wrong reasons and in a very reckless way.

 

A woman with self respect would not come onto a message board, depressed and threatening self harm because a married man that she did not even know had rejected her sexually. She would not ask time and time again what she had done wrong to cause this rejection.

 

My friend, you are already in the affair fog. You have found a way to justify and rationalize your behavior in a way that makes it acceptable to you. You say that you had a FWB relationship in the past, when you were SINGLE, I'm sure. That is a BIG difference. You fool yourself if you think this little arrangement is not going to go "kaboom!"

 

Sometimes, people have to learn their lessons the hard way. And, that seems to be what you are determined to do. So, more power to you.

 

If you are interested, head on over to the "other woman" board and read the stories of women who thought they were in control, that their decisions were completely justified, and see how it turned out for most of them...

 

There are two stories on the board currently - two married women who had affairs and got pregnant by their affair partner. Consider that consequence for a moment, before you turn up without a condom next time you have sex with this new guy.

 

I have to agree with this post as a MW who had an affair. My marriage had issues. I was unhappy. Having an affair was the worst choice I ever made. I did lose my self respect. I lost all my personal integrity. It has taken YEARS of hard work and introspection to even gain back a fraction of what I lost of myself. And that pain doesn't even include the pain I caused my husband.

 

I will add my voice to those saying not to walk this path. But it obvious that you are not ready to listen. I am sorry for that and it hurts me to watch someone walk down the same path I did that caused so much pain and destruction in my life.

[BaileyB]

If you are still here OP, read the first post of the following discussion and imagine having this discussion with your child years down the road...

 

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/481199-affect-my-affair-had-has-my-family-vent

[RoseGold18]

I'll try to make this short as possible. I met someone online who is married but said he was in an opened marriage. I'm married myself but just wanted to find someone to be intimate with since I'm in a sexless marriage.

 

We met for lunch for our first meeting and hit things off right away. Even had a ton in common. We met a 2nd time for coffee and walked around and talked for 2 hours. Then we met a 3rd time at his place (2nd home) and messed around.

 

After that, I contacted him to get together the following week and he said he couldn't because his friends were in town. The week after that we arranged to get together the following Thursday, but then he cancelled the night before and said he was too busy with work that he couldn't meet. The following week I let him know what days I was available and he emails me back and tells me that he lost his job and had to get rid of his apartment and basically said unless I can be creative about finding a new place to go since hotel rooms add up quickly.

 

I right away felt like he was lying and trying to blow me off so I basically told him that I shouldn't be doing this and to take care. Of course I was hurt and upset because the time we messed around I thought was amazing and I really wanted to see him again. I figured I had to just move on.

 

Then I get a message from him on the dating site that we met on basically saying hi. I asked him if he didn't enjoy our hook up and he said that he did and that he thought that I said I shouldn't be doing this. I told him that I just said that because I thought he was blowing me off. Anyway he proceeded to tell me that he still has his place till the 15th. (Last week). I said great I'm available on these days.

 

Then he tells me that a close friend of his has died and that he isn't in the right state of mind to met right now and he said multiple times that he isn't in the right state of mind and clearly was upset about this loss. I will add that he lost both of his parents as a child so I'm sure this is hard for him.

 

I wrote back right away and told him that I completely understand and that I was sorry for his loss. I told him to take as much time as he needed. This was a week ago and I still haven't heard from him.

 

I am so hurt and confused but don't want to overreact and think that he is ghosting me.

 

- I don't know if I should wait till he contacts me since I have clearly stated week after week that I wanted to see him.

 

- I don't know if I should email him maybe sometime next week and just ask him how he is doing just because he lost someone.

 

- I don't know if he is just ghosting me but then why put all of that effort into contacting me again and saying that he wanted to continue meeting up.

 

All these excuses do seem bizarre to me but I also know that things can happen and maybe it's all true.

 

Another concern I have is that the email we were originally communicating on I deleted so I have gave him my work email to contact me that has my full name. Maybe he saw that we have some mutual acquaintances and decided it's too risky for us to continue to see each other.

 

I don't know. I'm so confused as to what to do. He seemed interested. What would you do?

 

Part of me thinks that with the loss of his job, the move, and the loss of a good friend he just needs some time right now to sort things out and heal. I just don't want him to forget about me.

Edited July 18, 2018 by RoseGold18

[CantTakeMySmile]

I believe he isn’t showing you any effort beyond typing a few words so I would let t go.

 

You won’t know why unless he tells you. And you can’t make him tell you. You have out in all the effort.

 

You just wanted a sexual encounter and you got it.

[somanymistakes]

You're sending a lot of mixed messages here.

 

You tell him that you shouldn't be doing this, then expect him to do a lot more.

 

You tell him to take as long as he needs, then get upset that he hasn't talked to you in a week.

 

If the guy is too stressed to think through what you say vs what you mean, or if he just doesn't want to deal with this kind of game-playing in what was supposed to be some fun on the side, you're driving him off.

 

Give him time. If you haven't heard from him within a month and you still want to, check in with him then, but just be straightforward about what you actually think and want, instead of fishing with hints.

[BluesPower]

Ok we are going down this path... and just so I know, are we talking open marriage or cheating now, you definition not everyone else's.

 

Ok, first rule of being a player, which you want to be now, is you don't give a F*** about this guy.

 

Problem is you liked him, he gave you all those orgasms with just his hand and what not, so he must be great.

 

My goodness you are inexperienced. Any man that even halfway knows what he is doing can do that. What's more is they may actually have intercourse with you, if this is the right thread--who even knows anymore.

 

So understand that this guy is a player, he may or may not be in an open marriage, you actually don't really know.

 

And frankly, he may not be that into you, or he may take you to bed and bang your brains out later, when it is convenient for him.

 

Now, start casting on AM and you will find a host of men that want to have sex with you and some of them may be good at it.

 

But for goodness sake, don't get attached to any one of them. The odds of you finding a long term sex partner the first time are almost zero.

 

Plus if you are going to do this don't limit yourself to one man, try a few on for size and technique.

 

Have fun....

[RoseGold18]

Ok we are going down this path... and just so I know, are we talking open marriage or cheating now, you definition not everyone else's.

 

Ok, first rule of being a player, which you want to be now, is you don't give a F*** about this guy.

 

Problem is you liked him, he gave you all those orgasms with just his hand and what not, so he must be great.

 

My goodness you are inexperienced. Any man that even halfway knows what he is doing can do that. What's more is they may actually have intercourse with you, if this is the right thread--who even knows anymore.

 

So understand that this guy is a player, he may or may not be in an open marriage, you actually don't really know.

 

And frankly, he may not be that into you, or he may take you to bed and bang your brains out later, when it is convenient for him.

 

Now, start casting on AM and you will find a host of men that want to have sex with you and some of them may be good at it.

 

But for goodness sake, don't get attached to any one of them. The odds of you finding a long term sex partner the first time are almost zero.

 

Plus if you are going to do this don't limit yourself to one man, try a few on for size and technique.

 

Have fun....

 

Good memory. The thing is that I'm not inexperienced and most guys dont make me feel that good.

 

Anyway, on AM I literally had over 100 messages from married men, but I work for high security government and don't feel comfortable going after multiple guys. That's just not how I am. This one guy made me feel comfortable and we hit it off easily.

 

I made the mistake of assuming right away that this would be a long term type of set up.

 

Anyway, I realize that I have put in a lot of effort and he knows where to find me if he is interested. I know I just need to let it go and give him some time and if he doesn't contact me then I have my answer.

[RoseGold18]

You're sending a lot of mixed messages here.

 

You tell him that you shouldn't be doing this, then expect him to do a lot more.

 

You tell him to take as long as he needs, then get upset that he hasn't talked to you in a week.

 

If the guy is too stressed to think through what you say vs what you mean, or if he just doesn't want to deal with this kind of game-playing in what was supposed to be some fun on the side, you're driving him off.

 

Give him time. If you haven't heard from him within a month and you still want to, check in with him then, but just be straightforward about what you actually think and want, instead of fishing with hints.

 

Yes I thought the same thing about wanting this to be fun and not stress him out but I really thought he was lying so I told him I shouldn't be doing this take care blah blah blah.

 

Then once he contacted me I explained to him that I just thought he was lying so that's why I said it.

 

Anyway from now on I'll just have to believe what he says because after all it's supposed to be drama free. I just wish he was a little more communicative. I haven't seen him in over a month.

[BaileyB]

You are clearly going to do what you want to do, but I ask you... why in the world are you chasing a married man?

[basil67]

I made the mistake of assuming right away that this would be a long term type of set up.

 

Yes, it's unwise to make this assumption of something long term with anyone who we haven't first established successful relationship.

 

On your other points - yes, he's a liar. He's proved this because he's lying to his wife. No, it can't be drama free because he's lying to his wife.

[BaileyB]

Yes, it's unwise to make this assumption of something long term with anyone who we haven't first established successful relationship.

 

On your other points - yes, he's a liar. He's proved this because he's lying to his wife. No, it can't be drama free because he's lying to his wife.

 

And, your husband may say that he is fine with your arrangement, but time will tell... You may find that his tune changes when the reality of the situation becomes known and/or when you develop feelings for another man. Drama!

[William]

Responding to a report, moderation merged two threads on apparently the same topical content and updated the title to reflect the latest questions.

 

As a reminder, our guidelines are as important as ever to follow, especially the ones related to focusing on the topic, here the question of is the OM ghosting the member, as well as civility. We understand members may disagree with the relationship choices of others; however, that disagreement will be provided with the utmost of respect.

 

With that out of the way, please continue!

[RoseGold18]

You are clearly going to do what you want to do, but I ask you... why in the world are you chasing a married man?

 

I wouldn't say that I'm chasing him. He told me his marriage was opened. Even if it's not that's not my concern.

 

I'm also married and cheating. My marriage is not opened.

 

I really just wanted to keep the conversation about whether or not he is ghosting me now but the two threads got merged.

 

I also wouldn't say this man is a liar. If he does have an opened marriage he is doing nothing wrong. Either way I don't care.

 

I'm not looking for someone to run away with and start a new life. I just want to have a long term f buddy.

[RoseGold18]

And now no one is going to read through 16 pages to get to the question about ghosting...

 

I mean my only options are to leave the ball in his court and see if he eventually contacts me or should I check in on him since he is going through such a hard time.

 

We're obviously not that close and barely know each other so I probably won't see how he is doing but I also feel bad because he has had a lot of loss in his life and I don't want him to get depressed

 

But I know... he has a wife so I know he isn't alone. I do feel bad for him.

[BaileyB]

I wouldn't say that I'm chasing him.

 

I'm also married and cheating. My marriage is not opened.

 

Huh? You have previously said that you talked with your husband and he agreed to an open marriage. But now, you say you are cheating. Does your husband know about your adventures, or not?

 

Also, he contacted you and then told you he's out again - his friend died, he's not in a good place. You haven't heard from him in a week... so, you want to contact him to see if he's still down to get together. You don't want him to forget about you. So yes, I would say that you are chasing this man. If he wants to cheat on his wife, he will call you.

Edited July 19, 2018 by BaileyB

[RoseGold18]

Huh? You have previously said that you talked with your husband and he agreed to an open marriage. But now, you say you are cheating. Does your husband know about your adventures, or not?

 

Also, he contacted you and then told you he's out again - his friend died, he's not in a good place. You haven't heard from him in a week... so, you want to contact him to see how he's doing and if he's still down to get together. So yes, I would say that you are chasing this man. If he wants to cheat on his wife, he will call you.

 

My husband did agree to an opened marriage and then we decided not to do that and work on our marriage instead. It's all in the 16 pages but I know it's hard to follow. We agreed to "work" on the marriage before this guy contacted me again. My husband and I have had sex like 4 times in the past 4 years. It's that bad. He doesn't care about it.

 

I was saying I wanted to contact him to make sure he is okay...not to suggest that we met up again.

[BaileyB]

My husband did agree to an opened marriage and then we decided not to do that and work on our marriage instead. It's all in the 16 pages but I know it's hard to follow. We agreed to "work" on the marriage before this guy contacted me again. My husband and I have had sex like 4 times in the past 4 years. It's that bad. He doesn't care about it.

 

I was saying I wanted to contact him to make sure he is okay...not to suggest that we met up again.

 

Sure. You want to make sure he is ok... Honey, he has a wife to do that.

 

If it's really that bad, divorce your husband. How in the world are you going to "work on your marriage" while you are sleeping with this man or any other man who responds to your profile on AM?

[MidnightBlue1980]

My husband did agree to an opened marriage and then we decided not to do that and work on our marriage instead. It's all in the 16 pages but I know it's hard to follow. We agreed to "work" on the marriage before this guy contacted me again. My husband and I have had sex like 4 times in the past 4 years. It's that bad. He doesn't care about it.

 

I was saying I wanted to contact him to make sure he is okay...not to suggest that we met up again.

 

I'm sure he is okay. But seriously, don't waste your time caring about him. I won't give you my pitch about getting divorced and finding a man to make you happy, etc. Obviously you have your reasons for staying married. Lord knows men stay in sexless marriages and cheat for their sexual needs.

 

I think it would be tough to find a LT f-buddy. Many men, ironically, feel uncomfortable when they feel used for sex. We joke about men but they are people, they start to feel guilt towards their spouse or if they are single, that's not right to mess with their heads like that. A man will either call you once every 6 months for sex - and you will feel used - or he will get attached. It's not right to be married and want a relationship with another person.

 

Have you thought about an escort? A guy I know does that as his wife said they will not have sex anymore. He feels paying for it is cleaner, no emotions, no drama.

[RoseGold18]

Sure. You want to make sure he is ok... Honey, he has a wife to do that.

 

If it's really that bad, divorce your husband. How in the world are you going to "work on your marriage" while you are sleeping with this man or any other man who responds to your profile on AM?

 

We agreed to "work" on our marriage before he contacted me again. I have deleted my account on AM so there is no one else. Once the OM contacted me of course I wanted to see him again.

 

I don't have much hope that my relationship with my husband will improve but can't leave for other reasons. A lot of other reasons. It's not just so black and white. We live in one of the most expensive states and we would both struggle if we had to split everything. We each make 70K a year. 140K for a household is decent money but it's not enough to sustain two households.

 

We support my mother. We've been together (dating and married) for 10 years and we're more like friends/Roommates. We have a son that we don't want to split our time with or separate our family. My husband is a great father and a good person but he is a lousy lover and has a nonexistent sex drive.

 

I am terrified of being a single parent and refuse to leave my marriage when we get along fine as friends. Our lives are so intertwined, even our careers, that it would be difficult to divorce. I am just scared and not ready to make that jump.

 

Maybe when our son gets older but he is 3 and it's a tough age. I love my husband but I'm not in love with him anymore. Our lack of intimacy has made me look at him as a friend. I can't seem to change my feelings even though I would love to.

 

I cry about the whole situation all the time and think about how unhappy I am. I really feel stuck.

 

I grew up poor. I grew up really struggling and in a divorced household. My mom knows the situation and said to me that half of America is divorced and they are fine. I know she is right but I'm not strong enough to leave.

 

I think I would if I had more family support. We lived with my grandparents growing up because my mom was a single mom for a long time. I don't have that option. We support my mother who is disabled. I can't support her and take care of my son on my own financially. Even with child support it wouldn't be enough, which there wouldn't be because we make the same amount anyway.

 

His daycare is $1500 a month. Mortgage $1800 a month. Believe me, I've ran the numbers countless of times. We also put $500 a month in a college fund for him.

 

I'm not giving all of that up. I want to provide for him to give him a better life. Like I said, my husband and I are good friends and get along great. But there is no intimacy or sex besides an occasional hug and a peck.

[RoseGold18]

I'm sure he is okay. But seriously, don't waste your time caring about him. I won't give you my pitch about getting divorced and finding a man to make you happy, etc. Obviously you have your reasons for staying married. Lord knows men stay in sexless marriages and cheat for their sexual needs.

 

I think it would be tough to find a LT f-buddy. Many men, ironically, feel uncomfortable when they feel used for sex. We joke about men but they are people, they start to feel guilt towards their spouse or if they are single, that's not right to mess with their heads like that. A man will either call you once every 6 months for sex - and you will feel used - or he will get attached. It's not right to be married and want a relationship with another person.

 

Have you thought about an escort? A guy I know does that as his wife said they will not have sex anymore. He feels paying for it is cleaner, no emotions, no drama.

 

Funny that you say that men don't like to feel used because I did have an experience like that when I was younger. A FWB for a year and he was the one that wanted to be boyfriend and girlfriend.

 

I just thought that because his guy is married and he says in an opened marriage that he would think it was sexy and feel flattered that I just want to use him for sex. Who knows. I'll never know what's really going on.

 

I'm just so wrapped up in him because he has been the only guy I messed around besides my husband for the past 10 years and it was so exciting for me.

 

I know it's wrong. I really do. But it also gives me a whole different perspective.

 

I'm not comfortable with an escort type of set up. I do want a connection and I would like to just be with one other person. I really don't want to be messing around with multiple guys at once. Not only do I not desire it but I have too much to lose.

[DKT3]

Funny that you say that men don't like to feel used because I did have an experience like that when I was younger. A FWB for a year and he was the one that wanted to be boyfriend and girlfriend.

 

I just thought that because his guy is married and he says in an opened marriage that he would think it was sexy and feel flattered that I just want to use him for sex. Who knows. I'll never know what's really going on.

 

I'm just so wrapped up in him because he has been the only guy I messed around besides my husband for the past 10 years and it was so exciting for me.

 

I know it's wrong. I really do. But it also gives me a whole different perspective.

 

I'm not comfortable with an escort type of set up. I do want a connection and I would like to just be with one other person. I really don't want to be messing around with multiple guys at once. Not only do I not desire it but I have too much to lose.

 

So messing around with one guy multiple times is better then multiple guys one time when your husband finds out? Doesn't seem like sound logic for a woman with a lot to lose to risk losing it. Does it?

[standtall]

OP.....you should have posted this on the OM/OW. There are a lot of posters here that will try to get you to blow up what's left of your marriage. If you noticed, there were not a lot of responses to your question about ghosting.

 

IMHO, he is too dangerous to your relationship to continue with. He is not ghosting you, but keeping you in the wings while he has to back off to hide his affairs, or he has multiple other partners.

[DKT3]

OP.....you should have posted this on the OM/OW. There are a lot of posters here that will try to get you to blow up what's left of your marriage. If you noticed, there were not a lot of responses to your question about ghosting.

 

IMHO, he is too dangerous to your relationship to continue with. He is not ghosting you, but keeping you in the wings while he has to back off to hide his affairs, or he has multiple other partners.

 

Actually, it's the opposite, people are trying to help stop her from blowing up her marriage...No one goes into an affair thinking, I'm going to be caught, yet most are. Besides, whatever she gets into will only make things worse, she just refuses to see or acknowledge it.

[BluesPower]

Actually, it's the opposite, people are trying to help stop her from blowing up her marriage...No one goes into an affair thinking, I'm going to be caught, yet most are. Besides, whatever she gets into will only make things worse, she just refuses to see or acknowledge it.

 

No guys, I want her to divorce and find a husband the is not asexual so she can actually have the life she would really want.

 

Her husband is incompetent in bed, I believe he is asexual as well. She had the open marriage talk and she folded or he backed out. Which I think was a mistake, if she forced him into an open marriage at least she would not have to lie and sneak around.

 

She sounds like she want to be monogamous in a way.

 

I think she should divorce him and move on with an actual man, but it is what it is.

 

So now she is getting wrapped up with a player and she really does not understand what she is dealing with.

 

So in a year or so she will be talking about how in love she is with a married man.

 

I am all for her getting her sexual needs met, I just wish she had the courage to do it the right way...