Is the OM ghosting me?

[RoseGold18]

No, you should get yourselves off to marriage counselling if you have a hope of saving this marriage! You’ve got way bigger problems than can be solved by a simple instruction session... You are more than a little late for this...

 

Been there, done that. Nothing changed.

[RoseGold18]

Based on those two factors. Right now you are worth no strings attached sex on the side with no need to ever call you back. It's your and the other guys actions that got you here. You can't really change the pricing with him anymore and once your husband finds out this is likely to be what you are worth to him to. You already messed up, only chance is to do better in the future and a new relationship.

 

The OM and I were both guilty of the same thing. I thought we were both looking for the same thing. A long term affair. Apparently not.

 

See here's the problem. You don't exactly get to judge him. You are married yourself. You stepped out of your own marriage. You are as bad as he is. You say he "got a conscious and stopped" but you are guilty of the same crimes he isn.

 

I don't think he "got a conscious and stopped". That was what another poster thought. I don't think that at all. I think he basically only used me for that one time, or that I did something he didn't like and doesn't want to continue seeing me.

 

And this is what this is basically about, isn't it? He hit you right in the self esteem and pretty hard at that. Did you at some poin forget that you were still married?

 

This 100%. Day by day I feel like I am feeling better about the whole thing, but it still stings.

 

You're older now than you were in the past, you're also a mother and technically married. All of this lowers your market value, makes you unattractive as a possible partner and means some random fling is what most guys would want out of you.

 

Absolutely, which is part of the problem.

[bathtub-row]

You’re not going to fix this marriage. And you’re not going through a mid-life crisis. You’re going through a loveless, sexless crisis.

 

Look, just because someone doesn’t jump up and down and scream at you on a daily basis, doesn’t mean their not manipulative or bad. My ex used to manipulate me - and many others - through very subtle means. My sister called him the benevolent manipulator. Your husband is manipulating you and, even though it’s not readily apparent to you, you know it on some level and your soul is screaming at you to get out.

 

And this thing about you not being a good candidate for a relationship is just nonsense. You are SO young and have so many years ahead of you.

[RoseGold18]

And to those acting like he tricked her into marriage... How dumb can you be? What?? They didn't have any sex before marriage? Was the sex good before then suddenly bad??!! NO it's wasn't. She ****ing KNEW what she was getting. She decided it was worth the cost of admission back then and now she has changed her mind.

 

I did. I did know. This is accurate. I am a fool.

 

OP Please do work on sex with your husband. Look into low level testosterone males. I'm serious! I have mentioned this before and people don't ****ing pay attention. Some men don't have high t levels. NO testosterone means no sex drive!! What's the problem with going and getting tested???!!

 

His testosterone has been checked before when we were trying to conceive. He told me the results came back normal but that doctor prescribed him Viagra so not sure why they would do that. I think he has erectile dysfunction.

 

Teach him step by step how to please you if need be. The best way to fix your problem is WITH your husband. Not with some other men who are likely to give you an std and destroy your family if discovered.

 

Yeah, I know. Those are my concerns as well.

[BaileyB]

Been there, done that. Nothing changed.

 

Then, I don’t see things improving... you have some big decisions to make.

[RoseGold18]

You’re not going to fix this marriage. And you’re not going through a mid-life crisis. You’re going through a loveless, sexless crisis.

 

Look, just because someone doesn’t jump up and down and scream at you on a daily basis, doesn’t mean their not manipulative or bad. My ex used to manipulate me - and many others - through very subtle means. My sister called him the benevolent manipulator. Your husband is manipulating you and, even though it’s not readily apparent to you, you know it on some level and your soul is screaming at you to get out.

 

And this thing about you not being a good candidate for a relationship is just nonsense. You are SO young and have so many years ahead of you.

 

Thank you. Honestly, if I had family support I would. I would've left long ago. I have no one.

[AlwaysGrowing]

OP,

 

You clearly stated that “if not for me, he would be in bad shape”. You clearly stated that all successes outside the bedroom are yours 100%.

 

You have stated that you expect your BH to know exactly what to do in the bedroom to satisfy you.

 

Quite often, when a partner dominates the relationship outside the bedroom, the other partner feels parented. The verbal and non-verbal messages to your BH certainly dont help your situation inside the bedroom.

 

Your sex romp description speaks to potential one sided sex. The AP having serviced you for what you say is 20 minutes, is probably why he wanted to get out of there quickly and permanently. Many men do not find one sided sex fulfilling physically nor mentally.

 

I would advise against labeling your BH as asexual as it seems as you are using that to rationalize your actions. Even if he were asexual, betrayal does nothing to address the diagnosis in a beneficial way for both of you.

[RoseGold18]

OP,

 

You clearly stated that “if not for me, he would be in bad shape”. You clearly stated that all successes outside the bedroom are yours 100%.

 

You have stated that you expect your BH to know exactly what to do in the bedroom to satisfy you.

 

Quite often, when a partner dominates the relationship outside the bedroom, the other partner feels parented. The verbal and non-verbal messages to your BH certainly dont help your situation inside the bedroom.

 

Interesting perspective. Yes, my husband is more passive and I would like him to be more aggressive in the bedroom, but that's just not how he is.

 

Your sex romp description speaks to potential one sided sex. The AP having serviced you for what you say is 20 minutes, is probably why he wanted to get out of there quickly and permanently. Many men do not find one sided sex fulfilling physically nor mentally.

 

So, what should I have done? I guess I am sort of confused. If we were doing foreplay should I have stopped him in the middle of it since the focus was on me first? I reciprocated afterwards. He could have tried for sex. Isn't that how most foreplay goes? It's one sided, right? It's not like afterwards I got up and left.

[stillafool]

Didn't you have sex with your husband before you married him? Was he aggressive in bed back then or is this just something you've grown to want?

[BluesPower]

I "love" how people are judging her husband as a lying asexual on her words alone. As if this woman isn't foggy and wayward as ****.

 

She has probably done as much to damage their sex life as he has if not more. I'm sure she hasn't exactly bent over backwards to work on the problem with him. Has she looked into testosterone treatments? Maybe he has some issues tied up into his view on sex.

 

Fact is all we know is what she tells us. And for perspective she has said a lot of contradictory things so far. Like she only thinks of this as a fling. Unimportant and her husband wouldn't understand. Then she goes and admits it's a betrayal to her husband and child. I'm thinking there is some marriage history rewriting. I would really like to hear what her husband has to say about their sex life. It wouldn't surprise me if he had something drasticly different from the story she told so far. Has noone here ever been with a woman how makes sex unbearable? Maybe he would say she is at fault.

 

Whenever women come on here and claim their husbands are asexual or inexperienced I get suspicious. How the hell could a man be inexperienced after a decade or two married to a woman that seems to be plenty experienced? And low testosterone usually comes off as asexual. OR maybe hubby can't get hard for his self labeled "beautiful" wife. Maybe he is after younger game...? Better game?

 

And to those acting like he tricked her into marriage... How dumb can you be? What?? They didn't have any sex before marriage? Was the sex good before then suddenly bad??!! NO it's wasn't. She ****ing KNEW what she was getting. She decided it was worth the cost of admission back then and now she has changed her mind.

 

And blues ...... I thought better of you. NO ONE DESERVES TO BE CHEATED ON. NO ONE!!!! I can't believe you would ever say that after what you went through.

 

OP Please do work on sex with your husband. Look into low level testosterone males. I'm serious! I have mentioned this before and people don't ****ing pay attention. Some men don't have high t levels. NO testosterone means no sex drive!! What's the problem with going and getting tested???!!

 

Teach him step by step how to please you if need be. The best way to fix your problem is WITH your husband. Not with some other men who are likely to give you an std and destroy your family if discovered.

 

You really have got to be kidding me with this. She has been trying for 10 years. My god if a man does not figure out how to have some type of sex, at least the basics buy the time he is 30, Do you really think he ever will?

 

Let me explain something to you. The women that I have been with think I am some sort of sex god, which is completely ridiculous. Hell I am 54 years old, I am not nearly as handsome as I used to be, I am not some huge super well hung guy, I am at least 20lbs over weight.

 

So what is the deal? The deal is that I figured out early on how to please a woman, multiple ways. I mean it is not rocket science, it is not that hard.

 

My GF actually feels like I invented sex or something. How silly is that? She thinks that because of the handful of men that she has been with, 1 or 2 knew anything at all about sex, and the rest knew less than nothing.

 

This poor woman is a young healthy female and she wants her brains F'ed out. What is wrong with that. Nothing.

 

And I stand by this statement: If a man refuses to meet the regular basic sexual need of his wife, He deserves what he gets.

 

Why would anyone ever get married and expect to not have a satisfactory sex life, it is part of marriage?

 

How is any of this difficult to understand???

 

And listen, if her husband thinks that sex twice a year is somehow ok, then he I about as asexual as it gets.

 

If he does not understand that, I don't even know what to say.

 

Hell, I would think I was asexual if I only wanted to have sex once a week, I would be going to the doctor...

[RoseGold18]

Didn't you have sex with your husband before you married him? Was he aggressive in bed back then or is this just something you've grown to want?

 

Yes, we had sex before marriage and no he was no aggressive in bed than either. We were coworkers and I had a crush on him for years, so I overlooked a lot of red flags because of it.

 

I was so glad to meet someone who was nice and not the "typical" guy in terms on using me for sex. Well, look how that turned out.

[RoseGold18]

Your sex romp description speaks to potential one sided sex. The AP having serviced you for what you say is 20 minutes, is probably why he wanted to get out of there quickly and permanently. Many men do not find one sided sex fulfilling physically nor mentally.

 

Seriously though this comment has me all sort of insecure. Was my encounter really that unusual? Is that why the guy ghosted me? I mean during foreplay how is it not always one sided?!

 

This has been my experience during all my sexual encounters in my whole entire life. If he didn't want to it to go on for 20 minutes he could've stopped sooner.

 

Anyone else think my encounter was one sided?

[treehugger12]

I have been in OP's almost exact shoes and I wish I could private message you OP, I think you and I would have a lot to talk about.

I've been with my husband over 25 years and he lost his mojo after getting married and I have suffered for it for years. Last year I had the opportunity and I took it. I have no regrets about it and I too will take it to my grave. Mine was a one time fling with a married coworker. I felt a lot of guilt, but I know what its like to not feel desired by your own husband and then to feel desired by another man is overpowering.

 

 

Blues... I think you give great advice:) you get it, hugs to you:)

[RoseGold18]

I have been in OP's almost exact shoes and I wish I could private message you OP, I think you and I would have a lot to talk about.

I've been with my husband over 25 years and he lost his mojo after getting married and I have suffered for it for years. Last year I had the opportunity and I took it. I have no regrets about it and I too will take it to my grave. Mine was a one time fling with a married coworker. I felt a lot of guilt, but I know what its like to not feel desired by your own husband and then to feel desired by another man is overpowering.

 

 

Blues... I think you give great advice:) you get it, hugs to you:)

 

Do you wish you would've left when you were younger?

[treehugger12]

Do you wish you would've left when you were younger?

 

 

 

Honestly...yes. We are late 40's. No children, my husband too is a great guy, although he's done some really sh... things in the past in our marriage. I've felt for years like we are living like room mates. I understand being afraid of divorcing, even though I would be fine financially on my own and him too. We are "good friends." I think our friends and family would be shocked and disappointed, I am afraid of a lot of things getting divorced. Not knowing if the grass will be greener on the other side? Will I miss my husband? Will I be even more lonely then I am in my marriage now. It's the unknown that is really scary for me...but I think about it on a daily basis.

[HiCrunchy]

No way this tone is justified. Good grief, she is married to an asexual that played himself off as something else. The other half is correct but give me a break with that crap.

 

A man that does not take care of his woman's sexual needs is not a man. Frankly, he should expect to get cheated on, or he is a moron.

 

Plain and simple. Good grief she is 35 years old.

 

Yes cheating was a bad decision, but she should have already divorced this guy.

 

No person, male or female, should stand for sexless marriages. Frankly if you are not having sex you are not married IMHO.

 

I really have to totally disagree with what you are saying...

 

She shouldn't stand for a sexless marriage....I am not saying that at all...But blaming the victim here, her husband isn't fair.

 

She can make good or bad choices. She made a bad choice end of story.

 

Men in sexless marriages don't get sympathy for cheating on their wives, not sure why she should either...

 

Tough love is needed sometimes. I am hardly being rude. I am saying she needs to make better choices.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Shaming or insinuating that a person is less than due to being asexual is akin to holding someone accountable for having brown eyes instead of blue.

 

 

People will talk about their investments to friends but are ashamed to have open discussions about sex with their life partner. The fear of judgement hinders most from having open dialogue. Utilizing a professional sex therapist can open up the dialogue. Therapy isnt just for one party, both can learn valuable tools, not the least of which is to become a team in the bedroom or other lifestyle choices for the betterment of both parties.

 

OP, my point of my previous post was that how you experience a sexual encounter can be quite different than how the other party experiences it. At the end of the day...the OM reward was not worth the risk.....for him.

 

Can you now feel what your BH might be feeling after sexual relations with you when he is told (verbal, non verbal) that he is less than? Can you see how that might be one of many reasons why he avoids the negative self message?

[HiCrunchy]

I'll just say that unless a person walks into a marriage with full disclosure about not wanting sex, then they're walking into the marriage lying and tricking their partner. While I'm very opposed to cheating, the partner who's lying about an issue as serious as sex has opened Pandora's box.

 

Btw, how many men do you know who aren't interested in sex? Wait. Let's see - very, very few. The 2 main categories that immediately come to mind are 1) men who have a low sex drive and 2) gay men who hide under the pretense of marriage and screw around on the side. My guess is, her husband has chosen Door Number 2.

 

Why do you assume he is lying? These people are just sexually incompatible. I think better choices should have been made when she understood after all the asking him wasn't going to change, she should have walked away.

[HiCrunchy]

No way this tone is justified. Good grief, she is married to an asexual that played himself off as something else. The other half is correct but give me a break with that crap.

 

A man that does not take care of his woman's sexual needs is not a man. Frankly, he should expect to get cheated on, or he is a moron.

 

Plain and simple. Good grief she is 35 years old.

 

Yes cheating was a bad decision, but she should have already divorced this guy.

 

No person, male or female, should stand for sexless marriages. Frankly if you are not having sex you are not married IMHO.

 

I really have to totally disagree with what you are saying...

 

Disagree all you like. It is a forum after all.

 

Yes I am being harsh, but someone needs to tell her for her own benefit.

 

Remember, OP made this thread because OM rejected her.OP would still be cheating on her husband if the OM was into it. And she is sad he isn't. . She isn't making a thread about being ashamed for cheating on her husband and leaving a marriage that clearly isn't working for her.

 

This says a lot.

 

As for her husband. Yes he should be more considerate of her needs. He isn't meeting her needs. He isn't working to fix the issues so she has to tell him (ie, If I can't be sexually satisfied, this marriage isn't working for me anymore...)

 

We don't know why he isn't having sex with her. He hasn't said he is asexual, there are many possible reasons. We can't assume that either.

Edited June 28, 2018 by HiCrunchy

[RoseGold18]

Honestly...yes. We are late 40's. No children, my husband too is a great guy, although he's done some really sh... things in the past in our marriage. I've felt for years like we are living like room mates. I understand being afraid of divorcing, even though I would be fine financially on my own and him too. We are "good friends." I think our friends and family would be shocked and disappointed, I am afraid of a lot of things getting divorced. Not knowing if the grass will be greener on the other side? Will I miss my husband? Will I be even more lonely then I am in my marriage now. It's the unknown that is really scary for me...but I think about it on a daily basis.

 

All of this is the way I feel too, plus I have a son.

[bathtub-row]

Why do you assume he is lying? These people are just sexually incompatible. I think better choices should have been made when she understood after all the asking him wasn't going to change, she should have walked away.

 

Because I’ve heard those stories several times where women say they’re shocked to find out that they’re married to a gay man and that’s what they say - they just thought he didn’t like sex. People lie all the time. Do not EVER underestimate the lengths people will go to to cover the truths they want to stay hidden.

[Maraud3r]

And just maybe her husband is having way more sex than his wife realizes. I’m always suspicious of guys claiming no interest in sex. Personally, I’d walk away from this mess because even if he really has an aversion to sex, I’m sure he didn’t disclose that little piece of information before they married.

Frankly speaking. Your advice and reaction to this thread is terrible, worse than mine and I openly admit that I am rather biased against cheaters no matter the gender.

 

You're blatantly making stuff up, based on very little information we got from OP and in some cases outright going AGAINST it. You're simply assuming he is having an affair, thus justifying her actions and casting her as the victim. You're also claim he "went out of his way to not disclose that little piece of information" when OP herself said that he was always like this and actually disagrees with her conclusions.

 

Yes, that's true. I would still be cheating if the OM wanted me. Maybe it's a blessing in disguise that now I can try to fix things in my own marriage instead of focusing on this OM.

I wouldn't bother to be absolutely honest. You do not seem to like your husband anymore and you seem to be stuck in a phase where you feel you're "aging" and thus need to live things up. Which isn't really possible with him because from what you said he's quiet, not particularly passionate albeit caring, not one for big adventures etc.

 

The damage you've done to your relationship has likely already destroyed it. Your husband merely doesn't know yet.

 

Look, I know what I did was wrong and there is no excuse for it. But I feel like I'm going through some midlife crisis and I made a mistake.

People make mistakes for all kind of reasons all the time. It's human. What mistakes they make however is very much important. There's the mistake of not telling someone something you were supposed to tell them and then there's the mistake of drunken driving and running someone over. Yes pretty extreme example but it's to show that a "mistake" is not simply a "mistake".

 

I "love" how people are judging her husband as a lying asexual on her words alone. As if this woman isn't foggy and wayward as ****.

I wouldn't say "people". A lot of people disagree with it, including OP for the most part. She herself wrote that she knew about how he was before and some other things. Add to this that there's zero evidence for the excuses they come up with otherwise...

 

It's interestingly enough the usual suspects. The same one shouting at husbands who complain about not having had sex for years. I really wish I could post a thread at some point with the exact same contents and then flip the genders, just to catch some of them.

And for perspective she has said a lot of contradictory things so far. Like she only thinks of this as a fling.

I'd actually say a large part of this is her justifying it to herself. By downplaying the affair and its importance she minimizes the damage she has done and is more easily able to excuse having done so. She is surprisingly honest in some other regards, such as admitting to why she is still with her husband.

 

 

I agree with this 100%, and that is part of the problem. I feel so undesired by my husband, so unattractive after becoming a mother, and I want to feel young again.

But, that isn't going to happen no matter what. The feeling young again part. You are now entering the second half of your life, it's simply that way. Honestly I'd advise you to end the relationship and throw yourself out there on the market again. It will be an extremely sobering experience which in hindsight might change your feelings on the now situation.

This is pretty accurate.

Then you don't love your husband anymore?

I am 35. And that is the problem is that I've made these major life decisions that I can't change. I don't want to be a single mother. I have absolutely no family support. I would have to do it all on my own, and I don't think I can.

You were already "relatively" old when you made these decisions to be frank with you. You are married for six years now, with the child being three? Once again this might come off as harsh but it increasingly seems to me that you primarily got together with your husband because he was safe, secure and steady. You were already "relatively old" in terms of settling down and having children.

 

Which means you likely had a lot of fun, went out to party, had guys after you etc when you were younger. Remember, youngest age you could have gotten together with your husband was 25-26.That's 10+ years of living it up before.

 

Funnily enough living it up actually decreases the likelihood of marriage later in life, appears to decrease the ability to bond with a partner, it even lowers output of hormones such as oxytocin when with the partner/child.

 

You want that "party life back", that "freedom", the men who are after you. You wont get them. You should try anyway, both to free your husband from the current situation, keep it from going bad and possibly affecting your child later on and to see for yourself.

 

Hard to explain, but it was my persistence 100%. My husband had well over 40K in credit card debt when we first started dating, we both had student loans, and 2 car loans. I took out a personal loan in my name and wiped out his credit card debt while we were engaged. I took over the finances and paid all our debt by taking over the finances. Now we invest every month since we are debt free. We make about the same amount, but the fact that I know how to invest for retirement, and I know about finances we are doing really well. Without me my husband would be in bad shape financially, and he knows it.

You didn't say where the money actually comes from, who earns it. Crushing debt depending on income isn't hard. So where the money comes from is incredible important here. The whole "and he knows it" part actually sounds kind of sinister but that might just be personal bias on my part, where I've seen wives/girlfriends convincing boyfriends/husbands of this being the case, when it really wasn't.

 

You're probably right about there is not much waiting for me out there, which is also part of the reason why I don't want to leave.

Sure but unless you do, you'll always have that tiny nagging doubt in the back of your head and you only made it worse with recent actions, no?

 

My son is 100% worth it all the time, but I feel like I've lost myself becoming a mother. I seriously feel like I am going through a midlife crisis.

Well, there's terms for this in some communities. Some of which I tend to both disagree and agree with when it comes to the definition and useage. But yes, your "desirability" in a way has come to an end, or at least it has crashed and burned. It happens to all of us but more so when one relied primarily on age and appeal to market oneself.

[Maraud3r]

Because I’ve heard those stories several times where women say they’re shocked to find out that they’re married to a gay man and that’s what they say - they just thought he didn’t like sex. People lie all the time. Do not EVER underestimate the lengths people will go to to cover the truths they want to stay hidden.

And I've seen posters of either gender who will throw everything they can come up with at a spouse or an OP in an attempt to slander them based on absolutely no evidence and with nothing to support it whatsoever as long as the person is of a gender they have a negative view of.

[Timshel]

Seriously though this comment has me all sort of insecure. Was my encounter really that unusual? Is that why the guy ghosted me? I mean during foreplay how is it not always one sided?!

 

This has been my experience during all my sexual encounters in my whole entire life. If he didn't want to it to go on for 20 minutes he could've stopped sooner.

 

Anyone else think my encounter was one sided?

 

 

Did you meet this guy on Ashley Madison? Sorry super lazy of me.

 

 

 

To answer your question, yes, you were a lot of work for a hook up.

 

 

 

Does this have anything to do with your husband's apathy? How difficult is it for you to be turned on?

[RoseGold18]

Did you meet this guy on Ashley Madison? Sorry super lazy of me.

 

 

 

To answer your question, yes, you were a lot of work for a hook up.

 

 

 

Does this have anything to do with your husband's apathy? How difficult is it for you to be turned on?

 

 

Yes, Ashley Madison.

 

I was turned out even before we started messing around. He commented on how wet I was. It just felt so good I couldn't stop moaning. I mean, I would've had sex with him if he tried but he just kept on going.

 

I guess I could've stopped him and told him we should have sex but we didn't discuss using a condom and I was worried about stds since him and his wife have an open relationship.