stillafool Posted July 2, 2018 Share Posted July 2, 2018 This is what I'm thinking or he doesn't find her attractive anymore maybe a combination. In my opinion, when men lose the sex drive with a partner it's a few causes, 1. Low testosterone 2. Other women (men) 3 resentment/hatred 4 loss of attraction Its shallow, but true that men are virtually stimulated, and weight gain or loss can affect attraction. Porn addiction doesn't really affect sex drive but it does affect the ability to hold an erection without the visual stimulation. Good point. OP have you changed much physically since you married? Link to post Share on other sites
Author RoseGold18 Posted July 2, 2018 Author Share Posted July 2, 2018 Good point. OP have you changed much physically since you married? Not really. I maybe have gained 5-10lbs since we've started dating. I'm 5'2, 110lbs. My body pretty much bounced right on back after having a baby. The only big difference would be that I've had my implants removed so my breasts aren't as nice, but my husband wasn't all into them when I had implants anyways. No stretch marks. I really wish I could post a picture. I mean I'm not drop dead gorgeous but I believe I'm above average, especially for my age since I look so young. People are shocked to hear that I'm 35. I wear a size 2/4. Anyway the update is that we're trying to fix the marriage. My husband is willing to learn but I literally will have to teach him how to touch me. It's okay, as unusual as it is for me I'm willing to put in the work because that would still be easier than having to move, split finances, and time with our son. Then have to put myself out there in the dating world to deal with all the crap that entails. Our relationship is great in every other aspect. Every relationship has their issues. Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted July 2, 2018 Share Posted July 2, 2018 This is what I'm thinking or he doesn't find her attractive anymore maybe a combination. In my opinion, when men lose the sex drive with a partner it's a few causes, 1. Low testosterone 2. Other women (men) 3 resentment/hatred 4 loss of attraction Its shallow, but true that men are virtually stimulated, and weight gain or loss can affect attraction. Porn addiction doesn't really affect sex drive but it does affect the ability to hold an erection without the visual stimulation. I don't disagree... that this may happen. On the other hand I have seen some beautiful, stunning woman that are in sexless/low sex/bad sex marriages. So the list does not explain everything. For men like OP's husband, and others, I just don't get it... Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted July 2, 2018 Share Posted July 2, 2018 Not really. I maybe have gained 5-10lbs since we've started dating. I'm 5'2, 110lbs. My body pretty much bounced right on back after having a baby. The only big difference would be that I've had my implants removed so my breasts aren't as nice, but my husband wasn't all into them when I had implants anyways. No stretch marks. I really wish I could post a picture. I mean I'm not drop dead gorgeous but I believe I'm above average, especially for my age since I look so young. People are shocked to hear that I'm 35. I wear a size 2/4. Anyway the update is that we're trying to fix the marriage. My husband is willing to learn but I literally will have to teach him how to touch me. It's okay, as unusual as it is for me I'm willing to put in the work because that would still be easier than having to move, split finances, and time with our son. Then have to put myself out there in the dating world to deal with all the crap that entails. Our relationship is great in every other aspect. Every relationship has their issues. I hope it works out... maybe it can change, maybe he can change. On you and your attractiveness, I can almost say with 99% accuracy that you are a least a very attractive woman. I will never understand it, but I have never met a woman that actually understood her true beauty, or how really attractive they were. I guess it is all the self image stuff these days. I don't get that one either... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Striver Posted July 2, 2018 Share Posted July 2, 2018 Not really. I maybe have gained 5-10lbs since we've started dating. I'm 5'2, 110lbs. My body pretty much bounced right on back after having a baby. The only big difference would be that I've had my implants removed so my breasts aren't as nice, but my husband wasn't all into them when I had implants anyways. No stretch marks. I really wish I could post a picture. I mean I'm not drop dead gorgeous but I believe I'm above average, especially for my age since I look so young. People are shocked to hear that I'm 35. I wear a size 2/4. Anyway the update is that we're trying to fix the marriage. My husband is willing to learn but I literally will have to teach him how to touch me. It's okay, as unusual as it is for me I'm willing to put in the work because that would still be easier than having to move, split finances, and time with our son. Then have to put myself out there in the dating world to deal with all the crap that entails. Our relationship is great in every other aspect. Every relationship has their issues. I think this is the right idea. Some men need to be taught. My exW did that for me. Sex was not the problem. Other things were the problem. If you're attractive, had guys attracted to you, expect your H to just go for it... like I said, some guys need to be taught. And they can be taught. Women can get access to sex a lot easier than men can, so perhaps they aren't always prepared for the men they are with not to have the same frame of reference. It was easy for me, why isn't it easy for you? Why don't you just go for it? Then tensions escalate. Sex is a part of the relationship, but it's not the only part. I'm sure you could find another man who would have sex with you. It's the other things that are harder to come by. You have a child with H, if you have a stable life and are friends, that's a lot. That stuff is harder when we have to venture out into the strange again. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author RoseGold18 Posted July 2, 2018 Author Share Posted July 2, 2018 I hope it works out... maybe it can change, maybe he can change. On you and your attractiveness, I can almost say with 99% accuracy that you are a least a very attractive woman. I will never understand it, but I have never met a woman that actually understood her true beauty, or how really attractive they were. I guess it is all the self image stuff these days. I don't get that one either... Thanks I appreciate it. I can PM you a pic if that's allowed. One thing that keeps replaying in my head that I also found unusual about the OM. My husband surprised me with my own hotel room for a weekend for Mother's Day. I of course tried to take this as an opportunity for the OM and I to spend some time together drinking etc... I invited him. (This is before our one time hookup obviously) The hotel was probably about an hour drive. He said he didn't have time to drive all the way up there. That right there seemed odd to me and I should've taken it as a sign that he wasn't all that interested in me. I was on Ashley Madison the other day and noticed that the OM was last logged in a day ago. On the prowl again. I am deleting my account. I will just assume he does this all the time and that's what he prefers. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 2, 2018 Share Posted July 2, 2018 Men don't seem to understand. It isn't about getting access to men for sex. It is about having access to the one you want to have sex with. For that matter, men have access to sex also; prostitutes, crack heads, loose women, etc., but that isn't necessarily who you may want to sex, is it? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 2, 2018 Share Posted July 2, 2018 Thanks I appreciate it. I can PM you a pic if that's allowed. One thing that keeps replaying in my head that I also found unusual about the OM. My husband surprised me with my own hotel room for a weekend for Mother's Day. I of course tried to take this as an opportunity for the OM and I to spend some time together drinking etc... I invited him. (This is before our one time hookup obviously) The hotel was probably about an hour drive. He said he didn't have time to drive all the way up there. That right there seemed odd to me and I should've taken it as a sign that he wasn't all that interested in me. I was on Ashley Madison the other day and noticed that the OM was last logged in a day ago. On the prowl again. I am deleting my account. I will just assume he does this all the time and that's what he prefers. Since you and your husband are going to work it out just forget about that other man and his motivations. Good that you closed your AM account so you can't check on him again. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 2, 2018 Share Posted July 2, 2018 Anyway the update is that we're trying to fix the marriage. My husband is willing to learn but I literally will have to teach him how to touch me. It's okay, as unusual as it is for me I'm willing to put in the work because that would still be easier than having to move, split finances, and time with our son. Then have to put myself out there in the dating world to deal with all the crap that entails. Pretty clear what he'll be working on. I'm wondering if you see a need to reconsider or improve any part of your role in the relationship ? Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author RoseGold18 Posted July 2, 2018 Author Share Posted July 2, 2018 Sex is a part of the relationship, but it's not the only part. I'm sure you could find another man who would have sex with you. It's the other things that are harder to come by. You have a child with H, if you have a stable life and are friends, that's a lot. That stuff is harder when we have to venture out into the strange again. This is how I feel. We have so much going for us. We really do. We have so many mutual friends, he is absolutely great to my family, adores our son to pieces, is a great father, great provider, has a great sense of humor, and is a good person. I know I can find someone to have sex with me but the other stuff is hard to find. This is why I'm staying. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RoseGold18 Posted July 2, 2018 Author Share Posted July 2, 2018 Pretty clear what he'll be working on. I'm wondering if you see a need to reconsider or improve any part of your role in the relationship ? Mr. Lucky Yes, my issue is I've never been the initiater. Obviously that needs to change to get my needs met. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted July 2, 2018 Share Posted July 2, 2018 I don't disagree... that this may happen. On the other hand I have seen some beautiful, stunning woman that are in sexless/low sex/bad sex marriages. So the list does not explain everything. For men like OP's husband, and others, I just don't get it... My list tells you WHY they are in sexless marriages. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 2, 2018 Share Posted July 2, 2018 This is how I feel. We have so much going for us. We really do. We have so many mutual friends, he is absolutely great to my family, adores our son to pieces, is a great father, great provider, has a great sense of humor, and is a good person. I know I can find someone to have sex with me but the other stuff is hard to find. This is why I'm staying. Sorry but for women it's harder to find a man who can satisfy us sexually. Link to post Share on other sites
frigginlost Posted July 2, 2018 Share Posted July 2, 2018 (edited) Cliff notes: OP is in an unhappy marriage and wont admit it. It's "the norm" these days to look outside the marriage to get what is missing (whatever it is). OP then gets a taste of the outside world and what is missing in her marriage, then tries to work a "best of both worlds" deal with the husband instead of just ending it. The husband is either the weakest individual that walks this earth, or he is absolutely brilliant in that he set you up to find someone better in bed and a better wife than you. Regardless, see you back on these boards in 6 months to a year when your marriage actually augers in... Edited July 12, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Redacted language ~ V 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author RoseGold18 Posted July 2, 2018 Author Share Posted July 2, 2018 or he is absolutely brilliant in that he set you up to find someone better in bed and a better wife than you. It has been confusing while we try to figure out what the best solution is. Such is life. So your assumption is that I'm a bad wife (because I cheated) and that I must be bad in bed (since my husband doesn't fancy me and neither did the OM). Sure, I guess that could be the issue here. That I am just a terrible wife unworthy of love and that I must be awful in bed. Guess I should just give up now. Thanks for your input. Link to post Share on other sites
frigginlost Posted July 2, 2018 Share Posted July 2, 2018 It has been confusing while we try to figure out what the best solution is. Such is life. So your assumption is that I'm a bad wife (because I cheated) and that I must be bad in bed (since my husband doesn't fancy me and neither did the OM). Sure, I guess that could be the issue here. That I am just a terrible wife unworthy of love and that I must be awful in bed. Guess I should just give up now. Thanks for your input. I'm not assuming anything. I'm just reading the tea leaves put in front of me... By what you have written, you appear to have a massive insecurity about yourself. Insecurity in one's own self breeds very bad things. A ton of people on these boards can attest to having to deal with someone with massive insecurity. You've even gone so far as to send a pic of yourself to someone on these boards in order to prove that you're a good looking girl. That screams warning sign's of insecurity. Add to that, you're wondering why the guy you cheated with went quiet, and you're telegraphing yourself to be played. I don't know you, so I can't tell if you if you're a good wife or not. I can say, that the actions you have taken are not good ones, nor are they ones an emotionally healthy individual would take. Get yourself someone to talk with about them. Regarding your husband, I'm just a dude with a keyboard reading the words you have written and seeing the different routes it's possible he could take because of your insecurities in yourself. There is no guarantee that he has taken the route I speak of, but believe it or not, not everyone is as we sometimes think they are. I played dumb -- real dumb -- with an ex who was cheating on me. Imagine how her life changed when she walked into that hotel lobby with her boy toy, and I was standing there with her boy toy's wife just waiting. I destroyed her world in an instant. Never underestimate someone. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author RoseGold18 Posted July 2, 2018 Author Share Posted July 2, 2018 I played dumb -- real dumb -- with an ex who was cheating on me. Imagine how her life changed when she walked into that hotel lobby with her boy toy, and I was standing there with her boy toy's wife just waiting. I destroyed her world in an instant. Never underestimate someone. Good for you for getting your revenge. She deserved it. I am insecure. Being in a sexless marriage doesn't help my own insecurities. But what's so sad about it all is that I am successful in my career and have my "life" put together. I have no reason to be so insecure and yet I still am. Link to post Share on other sites
frigginlost Posted July 2, 2018 Share Posted July 2, 2018 Good for you for getting your revenge. She deserved it. I am insecure. Being in a sexless marriage doesn't help my own insecurities. But what's so sad about it all is that I am successful in my career and have my "life" put together. I have no reason to be so insecure and yet I still am. And honestly, that's not surprising at all. As I mentioned above, you're telegraphing your insecurities. There are a ton -- and I mean a ton -- of very successful women out there who have everything every woman on earth wants, yet they are still insecure. Insecurity is an evil feeling that is something that is almost impossible to shake. I was a hugely insecure person myself growing up and it took a ton of work on my part to work through it. To be honest, I don't get the feeling through your writing that you are some evil cheating beast -- although your actions suck :-) -- but more of a confused individual that is trying to right a sinking ship but fighting it every step of the way. Sometimes the hole is just too big to plug and you have to let the vessel sink... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 2, 2018 Share Posted July 2, 2018 I'm guessing the night you tried to invite this man to your hotel and he declined, he either was busy with his wife or had another date. Beside the main point of the thread now, I realize, but worth remembering that married affair partners are not the people by which to measure your self-esteem. Link to post Share on other sites
HiCrunchy Posted July 2, 2018 Share Posted July 2, 2018 Yes, my issue is I've never been the initiater. Obviously that needs to change to get my needs met. Girl, u know how much i initiate with guy I like!! Men like to feel desired too If u wanna get some from ur husband, u need to put in the work too 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author RoseGold18 Posted July 2, 2018 Author Share Posted July 2, 2018 Girl, u know how much i initiate with guy I like!! Men like to feel desired too If u wanna get some from ur husband, u need to put in the work too Yeah, I seriously need some help in that department. My husband and I also agreed that we need to get a babysitter and have date night once a month. I can count on one hand how many date nights we've had since becoming parents. We don't have a lot of family support here. Funny enough about initiating...with the OM I was the one that initiated our little session. I climbed on top of him and started kissing him and his neck while grinding him. I would never do that to my husband, it's a problem. ? Link to post Share on other sites
Author RoseGold18 Posted July 2, 2018 Author Share Posted July 2, 2018 Beside the main point of the thread now, I realize, but worth remembering that married affair partners are not the people by which to measure your self-esteem. This 100% My self esteem would've been better if we hooked up at least a few times but I get it. It's for the best, I know. Link to post Share on other sites
MidnightBlue1980 Posted July 2, 2018 Share Posted July 2, 2018 Good for you for getting your revenge. She deserved it. I am insecure. Being in a sexless marriage doesn't help my own insecurities. But what's so sad about it all is that I am successful in my career and have my "life" put together. I have no reason to be so insecure and yet I still am. Yes and your insecurity will attract people with bad motives. Blues is all happy in a relationship which is why he probably did not respond but do not PM anyone here a picture of yourself. You should not seek validation from strangers on this site of all places. It is easy these days to search for a picture online and find a person's identity. You do not want some nut showing up on your doorstep. Whatever the reason why your husband is not interested in your sexually, I really doubt it is your appearance. Yes, sometimes people really do change for the worse but generally speaking, it takes a lot to get a man to lose interest because of physical appearance alone. I think you should really work on why you are so insecure about yourself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author RoseGold18 Posted July 2, 2018 Author Share Posted July 2, 2018 Yes and your insecurity will attract people with bad motives. Blues is all happy in a relationship which is why he probably did not respond but do not PM anyone here a picture of yourself. You should not seek validation from strangers on this site of all places. It is easy these days to search for a picture online and find a person's identity. You do not want some nut showing up on your doorstep. Whatever the reason why your husband is not interested in your sexually, I really doubt it is your appearance. Yes, sometimes people really do change for the worse but generally speaking, it takes a lot to get a man to lose interest because of physical appearance alone. I think you should really work on why you are so insecure about yourself. I was going to send a pic that I haven't used on any social media. But I know you're right. I won't send any. I am still considering therapy for myself. Link to post Share on other sites
frigginlost Posted July 2, 2018 Share Posted July 2, 2018 I was going to send a pic that I haven't used on any social media. But I know you're right. I won't send any. I am still considering therapy for myself. As long as your therapy does not start out with "so, this guy I was going to cheat on my husband with rejected me. Why?" You need to find out why a successful, attractive, and pretty level headed woman (you know, the one inside you) thinks that she does level up to others. If you want to know some of the things a very close friend of mine did to get over her insecurities, pm me. Don't send any pics though. :-) Link to post Share on other sites
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