Is the OM ghosting me?

[RoseGold18]

If you want to know some of the things a very close friend of mine did to get over her insecurities, pm me.

 

Don't send any pics though. :-)

 

Yes, that would be helpful. Thanks. No pics lol ?

[Colin Grant]

Just to let you know, as I read through your thread, your thoughts of marriage and your husband are not ones of conviction and resoluteness. Hence, you are unsafe for your husband and family, as you remain a wayward wife and mom. The decision to reconcile and expense an effort to your husband and family could be false sense of reconciliation.

 

Reconciling authentically, is when you detest who you were (or are) and can barely live with yourself due to the pain and suffering you have (or could have) caused the ones love you the most. You offer love and intimacy to men who don't care about you and only see the rocks of imperfections in the eye of your husband who would give you the shirt off their backs. See the dichotomy here? Now to be real here, while he would give you the shirt off of his back, you may be asking; Yes, but will he allow me to sit on his face?

 

I'll be honest here. I've never cheated in my 26 years of marriage and same with my wife. But there's something an some people (I'm one of them) that separates sexual type activity between the lovers and wives/husbands. I get you here. I don't quite understand it myself. The only difference between you and I is that I have and will not subject my wife to cheating. I love her too much to do that. Nonetheless, I do have challenges related to things I would do to someone else and what I would to with my wife. I just haven't put them into action and have no desire to do so. I'm hyper-sexual and I'm trying to find out how to deal with that. My wife though, doesn't know it, as we're at it ALL THE TIME.

Edited July 2, 2018 by Colin Grant

[RoseGold18]

You offer love and intimacy to men who don't care about you and only see the rocks of imperfections in the eye of your husband who would give you the shirt off their backs. See the dichotomy here? Now to be real here, while he would give you the shirt off of his back, you may be asking; Yes, but will he allow me to sit on his face?

 

Yes, and this makes me sad. My husband has treated me like I am his sister for so long that I've slowly detached myself from him. I can't really explain it but it has taken me years to get to this point.

 

I am trying, and really honestly trying now to make an effort and make things right. I want to be in love with him. I want to desire him. I want all of those things.

 

I'm not putting the blame completely on my husband because I know I'm at fault too, but when someone pushes you away physically for so long you can only take so much before you just wake up on day and no longer have those feelings.

 

I'm not planning on cheating anymore. I'm hoping to fix my marriage and me telling my husband about what I did would do nothing but hurt him and make him feel even more inadequate. Believe me at this point he puts so much blame on himself over the state of our marriage, if I told him what I did he would probably be okay with it and move on. But I don't want to make him feel anymore *****ter than what he already feels.

 

I asked him today if he found me attractive and he said oh my god yes. He has no idea the amount of damage he has done by his lack of affection towards me. I have regret over what I have done but I am only human who makes mistakes. And to be real with you, at this point in my life, if my husband cheated I would forgive it without a doubt. We have a family, and we've built a life together.

 

I am trying to see my husband as a sexual being. Right now I don't, but I'm hoping it will change. If I told you the details of our lack of affection and intimacy jaws would literally drop. It's terrible.

[BaileyB]

I asked him today if he found me attractive and he said oh my god yes. He has no idea the amount of damage he has done by his lack of affection towards me. I have regret over what I have done but I am only human who makes mistakes. And to be real with you, at this point in my life, if my husband cheated I would forgive it without a doubt. We have a family, and we've built a life together.

 

I am trying to see my husband as a sexual being. Right now I don't, but I'm hoping it will change. If I told you the details of our lack of affection and intimacy jaws would literally drop. It's terrible.

 

This makes me very sad. I know, it is complicated because you have a child. But, I don't see how I could ever stay in a relationship that makes me feel this way. I hope you are able to get his attention and find a good counsellor because this is not sustainable long term. It's just not.

[treehugger12]

Yes, and this makes me sad. My husband has treated me like I am his sister for so long that I've slowly detached myself from him. I can't really explain it but it has taken me years to get to this point.

 

I am trying, and really honestly trying now to make an effort and make things right. I want to be in love with him. I want to desire him. I want all of those things.

 

I'm not putting the blame completely on my husband because I know I'm at fault too, but when someone pushes you away physically for so long you can only take so much before you just wake up on day and no longer have those feelings.

 

I'm not planning on cheating anymore. I'm hoping to fix my marriage and me telling my husband about what I did would do nothing but hurt him and make him feel even more inadequate. Believe me at this point he puts so much blame on himself over the state of our marriage, if I told him what I did he would probably be okay with it and move on. But I don't want to make him feel anymore *****ter than what he already feels.

 

I asked him today if he found me attractive and he said oh my god yes. He has no idea the amount of damage he has done by his lack of affection towards me. I have regret over what I have done but I am only human who makes mistakes. And to be real with you, at this point in my life, if my husband cheated I would forgive it without a doubt. We have a family, and we've built a life together.

 

I am trying to see my husband as a sexual being. Right now I don't, but I'm hoping it will change. If I told you the details of our lack of affection and intimacy jaws would literally drop. It's terrible.

 

I can so relate to OP, my marriage is exactly the same but longer and no children. I too am at a loss, I’m so afraid to throw 25+years away and disappointing family and breaking my husbands heart...so I suffer in silence alone. My husband would be devastated and lost if I left him. We are best friends but that’s it anymore, it’s too late for me, too much time has past, he lost interest long ago and my self asteem went out the door being rejected for so long...now it’s too late and we live like room mates...I’m afraid for this for OP...but I know how she is feeling and it’s awful.

[DKT3]

Yes, and this makes me sad. My husband has treated me like I am his sister for so long that I've slowly detached myself from him. I can't really explain it but it has taken me years to get to this point.

 

I am trying, and really honestly trying now to make an effort and make things right. I want to be in love with him. I want to desire him. I want all of those things.

 

I'm not putting the blame completely on my husband because I know I'm at fault too, but when someone pushes you away physically for so long you can only take so much before you just wake up on day and no longer have those feelings.

 

I'm not planning on cheating anymore. I'm hoping to fix my marriage and me telling my husband about what I did would do nothing but hurt him and make him feel even more inadequate. Believe me at this point he puts so much blame on himself over the state of our marriage, if I told him what I did he would probably be okay with it and move on. But I don't want to make him feel anymore *****ter than what he already feels.

 

I asked him today if he found me attractive and he said oh my god yes. He has no idea the amount of damage he has done by his lack of affection towards me. I have regret over what I have done but I am only human who makes mistakes. And to be real with you, at this point in my life, if my husband cheated I would forgive it without a doubt. We have a family, and we've built a life together.

 

I am trying to see my husband as a sexual being. Right now I don't, but I'm hoping it will change. If I told you the details of our lack of affection and intimacy jaws would literally drop. It's terrible.

I'm a bit confused here. You say that you never tried to start things sexually with your husband yet, you feels he pushed you away and rejected you sexually. How is that possible?

 

From the way I read your thread, it sounds to me like it's a long time of no one showing desire but somehow you've placed the vast majority of responsibilities on his plate.

 

I agree with the poster who said you're unsafe as a wife. You still seem to think sex with other men is a good idea and a way to boost your self esteem. Not good, especially since you claim to want reconciliation. Your thoughts drive your emotions and your thoughts are very, VERY wayward, soo in all likelihood cheating will continue.

[Colin Grant]

Yes, and this makes me sad. My husband has treated me like I am his sister for so long that I've slowly detached myself from him. I can't really explain it but it has taken me years to get to this point.

 

I am trying, and really honestly trying now to make an effort and make things right. I want to be in love with him. I want to desire him. I want all of those things.

 

I'm not putting the blame completely on my husband because I know I'm at fault too, but when someone pushes you away physically for so long you can only take so much before you just wake up on day and no longer have those feelings.

 

I'm not planning on cheating anymore. I'm hoping to fix my marriage and me telling my husband about what I did would do nothing but hurt him and make him feel even more inadequate. Believe me at this point he puts so much blame on himself over the state of our marriage, if I told him what I did he would probably be okay with it and move on. But I don't want to make him feel anymore *****ter than what he already feels.

 

I asked him today if he found me attractive and he said oh my god yes. He has no idea the amount of damage he has done by his lack of affection towards me. I have regret over what I have done but I am only human who makes mistakes. And to be real with you, at this point in my life, if my husband cheated I would forgive it without a doubt. We have a family, and we've built a life together.

 

I am trying to see my husband as a sexual being. Right now I don't, but I'm hoping it will change. If I told you the details of our lack of affection and intimacy jaws would literally drop. It's terrible.

 

You're all over the place, so here is one truth statement to consider as you contemplate your actions. Most WS are so deep in shame, they say any and everything to deflect from taking full responsibility. You're doing this to a T.

 

You have two issues to tackle. Your 50% of the marriage issues and 100% of the infidelity. They are two separate things, whether you wish to believe it or not. Leave your husband out of your infidelity narrative, as you are not fully taking 100% responsibility of your actions and won't until you can make a post without mentioning him. Infidelity is your issue and your issue alone.l

 

My wife and I have our disagreements all the time. That's marriage. Some heated, some aren't. Let's say I became fed up with arguing over the same subjects over the years, and one day, couldn't take it anymore and punched my wife in the eye . The issues we had would immediately increase from one issue only (marital) to two, marital and physical abuse. Physical abuse is a different matter altogether.

 

Anger and other psychological/emotional issues that lay dormant in me were unleashed and helped cause me to strike my wife. I could easily say, the cumulative issues of disagreement caused me to raise my fist and punch her, but that would be incorrect, as she also took part in the arguments and never struck me. People argue all the time, so by me saying her disagreeing with how I want to manage our money is not sufficient reason to lay my hands on her.

 

In your situation, perceived sexual or emotional incompatibility is not why you brought infidelity into your marriage. You brought it in because of some underlying issues and poor coping skills. The root cause of your infidelity is something inside you that is unrelated to your husband. Your incompatibility only help push it over the edge. But the act itself and your wayward thinking is a different subject.

 

You would be well served to acknowledge this, because your husband's being unduly dragged into infidelity reasoning despite him, not only not knowing about it, but you are partially blaming him of it also. He's in a war with no self protection (literally and figuratively) and he doesn't even know he's in a battle to begin with.

 

You are disrespecting him in a big way. First, you are in infidelity. Two, you have blame-shifted him. You are taking some responsibility, but your husband has been named as the source of your issues from your first post. Third he is in a battle for his own wife, yet has no idea that you lay up at night wishing to be in other men's arms. He is losing every which way possible.

 

Lastly, when I was in my early twenties, my mom and dad on Sunday, would watch 60 minutes, followed by Murder She Wrote, followed by the Sunday evening movie and then tjhe 11:00 news. Like clockwork. My dad drank his coffee while sitting in his recliner and my mom on the 2-seated couch, drinking herbal tea. I never looked at this with thoughts of boredom, just mom and dad. I never thought too much of there Sunday evening ritual until......

 

I started cheating on my girlfriend.The AP and I became sexually addicted to one another. It's the only way I can put it. I met her through my girlfriend's dad's girlfriend. You read that right. It was out of control. I'm ashamed looking back at it and can't believe I did such things. The affair started Mother's day weekend and ended around Labor Day. We never saw one another without being in bed. EVER. We never refused one another.

 

I can remember going 7 rounds one hot, Sunday, air-condition-less afternoon. I can remember it being 7 because it was my own personal record that stands to this day. No TV, radio, nothing but walls and two addicted people giving each other fixes. Then came the problems. She was no longer interested in sharing me with my girlfriend and attempted suicide. She was just for sex for me. Nothing else. She couldn't hold a candle to my girlfriend. Her roommate found her unconscious in the bathroom and the hospital pumped her stomach after taking a bunch of sleeping pills or something like that. She was a nurse at a hospital and had access to them.

 

This scared me straight. I realize my life was nearly changed forever, as my participation in an affair nearly led to someone losing there life. That weekend, is when I stayed home with my mom and dad, who know nothing of it. When with them, I told myself, 60 minutes and murder she wrote and coffee or tea is just fine with me. I'd rather live on the foundation of principles that are steady, strong and infinite than, ones that are fleeting built on short term excitement.

 

Your husband cannot compete with new dick. Never! He may never, get you excited like that of a new or good lover. Tell you what. My wife doesn't as much as she used to, but so what, maybe I don't excite her as much neither, although she says I do. But then again, my wife is 1/3 larger than she did when we met also, whereas, I'm the same size. Doesn't matter though, she provides more joy for me than anything else in the world.

 

The question comes back to you. Can you be happy without this or not. It's that simple. You have to be real with yourself here. I love passion and sex as much as the next guy. Too much so actually. But, I tell you what. In looking ahead, for as much as passion and excitement will bring, it can also be a fleeting thing, which can last only weeks or months long.

 

If you wish to play, you must understand and accept the consequences. You can not have both, unless you can reignite your desire for your husband. If you cannot, consider leaving him, as you may grow resentful of him. You have to accept him as he is AND be happy. Otherwise, you will do him and yourself no favors.

Edited July 3, 2018 by Colin Grant

[AlwaysGrowing]

From my experience women have a more difficult time taking responsibilty/accountabilty than men. It is probably the number one reason why more BH file for divorce over BW.

 

How can you hold your BH to a standard that you yourself dont achieve (initiating sex). Then use it to justify having an affair....where you INITIATE the sex. On one post you stated that you have asked for an open marriage on numerous occasions....quite the aphrodisiac. The claim of being constantly rejected or treated like a sibling seems to be coming from your side of the street as well.

 

So....the lack of attention has caused you great harm....but having an affair is only you being human...this is mental gymnastics.

 

Through out the thread there is an emerging theme of your BH being the sole proprietor of all issues in the marriage therefore solely responsible/accountable to make all the necessary changes whilst you sit dormant evaluating him.

 

Try leveling the playing field...let your BH know what you have been up to. Hold yourself as accountable as you hold him.

[DKT3]

From my experience women have a more difficult time taking responsibilty/accountabilty than men. It is probably the number one reason why more BH file for divorce over BW.

 

How can you hold your BH to a standard that you yourself dont achieve (initiating sex). Then use it to justify having an affair....where you INITIATE the sex. On one post you stated that you have asked for an open marriage on numerous occasions....quite the aphrodisiac. The claim of being constantly rejected or treated like a sibling seems to be coming from your side of the street as well.

 

So....the lack of attention has caused you great harm....but having an affair is only you being human...this is mental gymnastics.

 

Through out the thread there is an emerging theme of your BH being the sole proprietor of all issues in the marriage therefore solely responsible/accountable to make all the necessary changes whilst you sit dormant evaluating him.

 

Try leveling the playing field...let your BH know what you have been up to. Hold yourself as accountable as you hold him.

 

I'm rarely at a loss here on this site. But this has me confused. Here we have a woman who shows no interest in her husband sexually, continuously asks for an open marriage yet SHE feels rejected? I just cant grasp the concept of how she can conclude that.

 

If a woman is sexually attracted to her partner she will initiate sex in some manner, be it aggressive, tame or passive aggressive. Yet Op stated she would never initiate sex with her husband but goes to a hotel room and jumps some random dude she met on the internet.

 

Smell like some serious bs, justification at its poorest form.

[stillafool]

You originally started this thread to talk about the OM you had sex with and why would he reject you. Now some 13 pages later it seems that after OM doesn't want you you are talking about staying with your husband. However it doesn't seem that you want to stay with him because you love and want him but more that your self confidence has been lowered even more by the rejection from the OM making you feel that any man is better than none. You've only been married 6 years and you didn't just have a baby a short time ago but 3 years ago. Somehow your story just doesn't add up.

[HiCrunchy]

You're all over the place, so here is one truth statement to consider as you contemplate your actions. Most WS are so deep in shame, they say any and everything to deflect from taking full responsibility. You're doing this to a T.

 

You have two issues to tackle. Your 50% of the marriage issues and 100% of the infidelity. They are two separate things, whether you wish to believe it or not. Leave your husband out of your infidelity narrative, as you are not fully taking 100% responsibility of your actions and won't until you can make a post without mentioning him. Infidelity is your issue and your issue alone.l

 

My wife and I have our disagreements all the time. That's marriage. Some heated, some aren't. Let's say I became fed up with arguing over the same subjects over the years, and one day, couldn't take it anymore and punched my wife in the eye . The issues we had would immediately increase from one issue only (marital) to two, marital and physical abuse. Physical abuse is a different matter altogether.

 

Anger and other psychological/emotional issues that lay dormant in me were unleashed and helped cause me to strike my wife. I could easily say, the cumulative issues of disagreement caused me to raise my fist and punch her, but that would be incorrect, as she also took part in the arguments and never struck me. People argue all the time, so by me saying her disagreeing with how I want to manage our money is not sufficient reason to lay my hands on her.

 

In your situation, perceived sexual or emotional incompatibility is not why you brought infidelity into your marriage. You brought it in because of some underlying issues and poor coping skills. The root cause of your infidelity is something inside you that is unrelated to your husband. Your incompatibility only help push it over the edge. But the act itself and your wayward thinking is a different subject.

 

You would be well served to acknowledge this, because your husband's being unduly dragged into infidelity reasoning despite him, not only not knowing about it, but you are partially blaming him of it also. He's in a war with no self protection (literally and figuratively) and he doesn't even know he's in a battle to begin with.

 

You are disrespecting him in a big way. First, you are in infidelity. Two, you have blame-shifted him. You are taking some responsibility, but your husband has been named as the source of your issues from your first post. Third he is in a battle for his own wife, yet has no idea that you lay up at night wishing to be in other men's arms. He is losing every which way possible.

 

Lastly, when I was in my early twenties, my mom and dad on Sunday, would watch 60 minutes, followed by Murder She Wrote, followed by the Sunday evening movie and then tjhe 11:00 news. Like clockwork. My dad drank his coffee while sitting in his recliner and my mom on the 2-seated couch, drinking herbal tea. I never looked at this with thoughts of boredom, just mom and dad. I never thought too much of there Sunday evening ritual until......

 

I started cheating on my girlfriend.The AP and I became sexually addicted to one another. It's the only way I can put it. I met her through my girlfriend's dad's girlfriend. You read that right. It was out of control. I'm ashamed looking back at it and can't believe I did such things. The affair started Mother's day weekend and ended around Labor Day. We never saw one another without being in bed. EVER. We never refused one another.

 

I can remember going 7 rounds one hot, Sunday, air-condition-less afternoon. I can remember it being 7 because it was my own personal record that stands to this day. No TV, radio, nothing but walls and two addicted people giving each other fixes. Then came the problems. She was no longer interested in sharing me with my girlfriend and attempted suicide. She was just for sex for me. Nothing else. She couldn't hold a candle to my girlfriend. Her roommate found her unconscious in the bathroom and the hospital pumped her stomach after taking a bunch of sleeping pills or something like that. She was a nurse at a hospital and had access to them.

 

This scared me straight. I realize my life was nearly changed forever, as my participation in an affair nearly led to someone losing there life. That weekend, is when I stayed home with my mom and dad, who know nothing of it. When with them, I told myself, 60 minutes and murder she wrote and coffee or tea is just fine with me. I'd rather live on the foundation of principles that are steady, strong and infinite than, ones that are fleeting built on short term excitement.

 

Your husband cannot compete with new dick. Never! He may never, get you excited like that of a new or good lover. Tell you what. My wife doesn't as much as she used to, but so what, maybe I don't excite her as much neither, although she says I do. But then again, my wife is 1/3 larger than she did when we met also, whereas, I'm the same size. Doesn't matter though, she provides more joy for me than anything else in the world.

 

The question comes back to you. Can you be happy without this or not. It's that simple. You have to be real with yourself here. I love passion and sex as much as the next guy. Too much so actually. But, I tell you what. In looking ahead, for as much as passion and excitement will bring, it can also be a fleeting thing, which can last only weeks or months long.

 

If you wish to play, you must understand and accept the consequences. You can not have both, unless you can reignite your desire for your husband. If you cannot, consider leaving him, as you may grow resentful of him. You have to accept him as he is AND be happy. Otherwise, you will do him and yourself no favors.

 

This Op. You should read this over and over.

 

I was trying to convey this to bluespower but ur def more articulate than I am lol.

[ExpatInItaly]

This 100%

 

My self esteem would've been better if we hooked up at least a few times but I get it. It's for the best, I know.

 

No, it absolutely would not have been better - it would've taken even more of a beating.

 

If you'd seen him a few times, you would have started to become attached. Your feelings would have been hurt even more when he eventually stopped seeing you.

 

This sudden departure is much better than the alternative. Read the the Other Man/Other Woman forum to find out why.

[BaileyB]

No, it absolutely would not have been better - it would've taken even more of a beating.

 

If you'd seen him a few times, you would have started to become attached. Your feelings would have been hurt even more when he eventually stopped seeing you.

 

This sudden departure is much better than the alternative. Read the the Other Man/Other Woman forum to find out why.

 

And again, self esteem and self worth can not be found in another person. It is found within... just read some of those posts on the other man/other woman forum and you will find individuals hanging on to very bad relationships because they don’t have any self worth and they are under the very mistaken belief that it will somehow be found if they cling to the other person...

[Mr. Lucky]

Yes, my issue is I've never been the initiater. Obviously that needs to change to get my needs met.

 

You were so frustrated you used AM to step outside your marriage - and you never initiated sex with your husband?

 

I'm trying to understand how the two of you could have this great relationship outside the bedroom. Not that I doubt it exists, it's just, given the lack of communication and general regard with this issue, difficult to see how it would work.

 

Hope you find what you're looking for...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BluesPower]

You were so frustrated you used AM to step outside your marriage - and you never initiated sex with your husband?

 

I'm trying to understand how the two of you could have this great relationship outside the bedroom. Not that I doubt it exists, it's just, given the lack of communication and general regard with this issue, difficult to see how it would work.

 

Hope you find what you're looking for...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

To lucky and everyone that has not read the whole thing...

 

Not saying that anyone's questions are wrong. And I am not saying that she was right for screwing around, such as it was.

 

But this thread (and another recent one) are the reverse of the Male in a marriage with no sex/bad sex.

 

Not making excuses for her in any way. But, her husband is Asexual, closet gay, or VERY LOW/SUPER LOW sex drive.

 

She stopped initiating sex because she was rejected all of the time. And husband is horrible at sex to start with.

 

But I do agree on one thing lucky, how could anyone think that they have a great relationship if there is little to no sex?

 

This is what I don't get when people say that. If there was little to no sex, for me anyhow, there would be no relationship...

[HiCrunchy]

Not making excuses for her in any way. But, her husband is Asexual, closet gay, or VERY LOW/SUPER LOW sex drive.

 

She stopped initiating sex because she was rejected all of the time. And husband is horrible at sex to start with.

 

She knew this but still married him. I assume that she knew sex was important to her before marriage didn't she? Now she is complaining. This isnt about him changing how he was and him rejecting her later in the marriage.

 

But I do agree on one thing lucky, how could anyone think that they have a great relationship if there is little to no sex?

 

Depends on the individuals. Sex drive is different and so is the need for sex in a relationship. Two asexuals can be happy together and in a relationship with no sex. The issue arises with the mismatch as OP is experiencing.

 

This is what I don't get when people say that. If there was little to no sex, for me anyhow there would be no relationship...

 

This is the key. As you said: For you.

 

 

Couples set the parameters for their ownrelationships, this includes how much sex they need.

 

 

10 characters

Edited July 3, 2018 by HiCrunchy

[AlwaysGrowing]

To lucky and everyone that has not read the whole thing...

 

Not saying that anyone's questions are wrong. And I am not saying that she was right for screwing around, such as it was.

 

But this thread (and another recent one) are the reverse of the Male in a marriage with no sex/bad sex.

 

Not making excuses for her in any way. But, her husband is Asexual, closet gay, or VERY LOW/SUPER LOW sex drive.

 

She stopped initiating sex because she was rejected all of the time. And husband is horrible at sex to start with.

 

But I do agree on one thing lucky, how could anyone think that they have a great relationship if there is little to no sex?

 

This is what I don't get when people say that. If there was little to no sex, for me anyhow, there would be no relationship...

 

Hate to be a stickler here, Post 161 she stated she has NEVER initiated sex with her husband.

 

It is not uncommon for men to build resentment when faced with a spouse who is critical of them. Many men capitulate when faced with a spouse who takes the position of emotional/relationship superiority over them, men are not generally well versed in voicing THEIR emotional/relationship needs.

 

Post 152 is also very telling “its okay, as unusual as it is for me Im willing to put in the work because that would be easier than having to move, etc”. This is in regard to teaching her BH what she enjoys sexually.

 

The fact that she determines it to be “work” for her to share what she likes has me shaking my head. The unrealistic expectation that he is SUPPOSED to know and the fact that she has never shared this info. The most damning is that it is unusual for her to take any responsibilty in the work department of the relationship.

 

Has her husband built up resentment? I know I sure would.

Does her husband treat her like a sibling or mother? Not uncommon for the recieving spouse of this ^ dynamic to have diminished sexual attraction.

[Far]

Your last post makes me sad. I can feel the underlying resentment for your husband. You mention before that you were never the aggressor when it came to your husband, but then contradict yourself and say that he pushes you away. I don't think you're sure you know what you want, really. Your story seems to spin from one point to the next with little room for clarity. Your confusion is palpable, if not extremely damaging.

 

As one mentions, you still have Wayward behaviour, biggest example is you choosing to keep this secret from him. You seem to think you know him well, and I'm sure you do, but your excuse for keeping this intimate and hot secret for yourself is not only petty but typical of a cheater. You are not protecting him, you a protecting yourself. Emotions are illogical and trauma is not linear. Infidelity is abuse, no two ways about it. What you've done is bomb your marriage and it's only a matter of time before the foundation radiates away. From this post alone it seems like you've suffered from your own demons for a long time and instead of taking every means at your disposal to address them, you decide to blame your H for where you are right now. You decided to take a very childish approach to solve your problems. Sad, sad, sad.

 

He is not even aware that you betrayed him. This is what it is.

 

I do feel some sympathy for you, but only so much. You have suffered for a long time and it was only a matter of time before you took matters into your own hands, by the sound of this. An enormous responsibility was placed on your husband's shoulders without his knowledge and I honestly feel sorrier for the guy than you. Does he know you think this way? Does he know what you want? Have you told him exactly what you want? Or did you expect him to be a mind reader?

 

It takes two to be in a marriage to make it work, both of you have made mistakes. It's time you both get help or get divorced. Living like this will slowly kill the both of you. A marriage like this doesn't sound like it will last at all without huge effort from the both of you.

Edited July 3, 2018 by Far

[DKT3]

To lucky and everyone that has not read the whole thing...

 

Not saying that anyone's questions are wrong. And I am not saying that she was right for screwing around, such as it was.

 

But this thread (and another recent one) are the reverse of the Male in a marriage with no sex/bad sex.

 

Not making excuses for her in any way. But, her husband is Asexual, closet gay, or VERY LOW/SUPER LOW sex drive.

 

She stopped initiating sex because she was rejected all of the time. And husband is horrible at sex to start with.

 

But I do agree on one thing lucky, how could anyone think that they have a great relationship if there is little to no sex?

 

This is what I don't get when people say that. If there was little to no sex, for me anyhow, there would be no relationship...

 

Nope , that boat left the docks Blue. She stated I never initiate sex with my husband. Therefore its impossible for her to be rejected. Your seeing this all wrong, is her husband asexual? Gay? I doubt it, its justification at its lowest form.

 

Put yourself in his shoes, your woman NEVER shows you she wants you sexually and asks you several times for an open marriage...so you want to have sex with her? Not only would I totally lose attraction to the woman I would lose that woman.

[BluesPower]

Nope , that boat left the docks Blue. She stated I never initiate sex with my husband. Therefore its impossible for her to be rejected. Your seeing this all wrong, is her husband asexual? Gay? I doubt it, its justification at its lowest form.

 

Put yourself in his shoes, your woman NEVER shows you she wants you sexually and asks you several times for an open marriage...so you want to have sex with her? Not only would I totally lose attraction to the woman I would lose that woman.

 

I followed this close... and I disagree.

 

He has rejected Her for sex. I am not saying that she initiated sex.

 

Yes I like for the woman to initiate some of the time. But the problem with that is that we are always having sex naturally, some times I don't know who starts it, it just happens.

 

I am offering no excuses for her screwing around.

 

But I cannot condemn her when her husband rejects her. Me I would already have been gone.

 

I met a girl JUST LIKE OP not two weeks ago. My GF and I counseled her about the exact same stuff. Exact.

 

Beta husband, no experience, horrible at sex, rejects her even when she goes in for sex and initiates.

 

I am not laying all of this at her feet. How can a 40 YO man not know anything about sex? How does that happen, I mean you had to learn something in 10 years.

 

Unless you don't like sex or girls...

[loversquarrel]

Bluespower, in the first two paragraphs of the entire thread OP explains that her husband has always been this way, yet she dated him for FOUR YEARS before getting married....sorry her fault. She knew what she got herself into.

 

op, clearly there are some mental health issues to go along with the marital ones. I suggest you find yourself some counseling before you begin marriage counseling.

[Mr. Lucky]

But I do agree on one thing lucky, how could anyone think that they have a great relationship if there is little to no sex?

 

This is what I don't get when people say that. If there was little to no sex, for me anyhow, there would be no relationship...

 

Get your point, but I was looking at it more from the standpoint of problem-solving skills. Surely there have been non-sexual disagreements in a 10-year marriage - who's turn to take out the trash, clean up after the dog or fold the laundry. And since the OP says they've lived like (platonic) best friends, where's the resulting communication, compromise and affection when it comes to sex?

 

She's never initiated, in her own words. And he could care less about her needs, by his own actions. Hard to make the math work out...

 

Mr. Lucky

[RoseGold18]

Sorry it's hard to really respond individually because I am on my phone. I'll try to explain some questions.

 

What I mean by my husband rejecting me even though I'm not an initiater (since I can see how that is confusing). Basically from day one he wasn't too interested in sex but he lived with his parents and they are Asian. He would never try to have sex with me at his parents house (even when his mom wasn't home) and I assumed that he "respected" his mom so much that he wouldn't dare try to sleep with me in her home.

 

Fast forward to 3 months into our relationship I had a friend go out of town. I took this as an opportunity to stay at her house for the night. We went out to dinner, had a few drinks while watching movies. The plan in my mind was to finally be able to have sex. Nope. Nothing happened. Here I was...obviously got to stay at my friends house for obvious reasons but he fell fast asleep as I laid there in disbelief. His excuse was he stayed up all night the night before playing video games and he was tired. Yup, there you have it. I was dating an 8 year old boy. I should've broken up with him at that point but it was complicated because we worked together at that time.

 

Fast forward another year, I took him to Hawaii for his birthday. Packed lingerie. He wasn't interested in me wearing the lingerie so that was that. The one way I know how to initiate sex. Turns out he thought I bought my nurse lingerie outfit and his mother is a nurse. I told him afterwards that I bought another outfit but it was too late.

 

Then we moved in together and night after night I would go to sleep alone in our bed while he would stay up for hours and hours playing video games. I bought it up all the time. ALL. THE. TIME. He told me that he felt like sex was a "chore". His exact words.

 

We had more sex back then but not like I was used to from previous boyfriends. It would be like once every 2 weeks or so. Another thing is we would have sex but he wouldn't cum. He said because his ex girlfriend refused to take birth control and wouldn't let him cum inside her so he just got used to not cumming. Okay....... odd I thought.

 

So there was that.

 

Yeah, i never should of stayed with him as long as I did but here were my reasonings to why.

 

1. I just left an abusive relationship where the guy was on drugs and using me for sex

 

2. My parents were both addicts at the time and I couldn't stay at home.

 

3. I wanted a "nice" guy and he sure was different than every other guy. He didn't use me for my body so I stayed.

 

4. He was so nice and I had a crush on him for years because we were coworkers. So I liked him so much that I was able to look past major red flags.

 

5. I was reaching 30 and stupid me freaked out about my age.

 

There you have it. Not so wise choices obviously but that's the gist of it. I feel like I tried in the past to initiate sex in the best way I knew how and we still fought about it all the time.

 

To clarify after reading some responses. It's not that I'm trying to work things out with my husband because this other guy rejected me (which by the way he has contacted me) I NEVER wanted to leave my husband to begin with. That was never my intention.

 

I've only asked for an open marriage twice and this is after we've gone over a whole year with no sex (I was pregnant and he didn't want to "hurt" the baby) and then another 6 months with no sex. Even though I bring it up all the time. It would do nothing but cause us to fight. It's not like I bring it up and he f's me that night and we make up. It's that I bring it up and we fight and fight to the point where I just can't take the fighting anymore because it's exhausting.

Edited July 4, 2018 by RoseGold18

[BaileyB]

You need to find a good counsellor, my friend. An individual counsellor.

 

And, you need to accept the fact that your husband has no interest in sex. That is blatantly obvious in your most recent post... He has no interest, he uses every excuse not to have sex, and he has issues with performance. I have no idea why he doesn't want sex but... he clearly doesn't.

 

If having a healthy sexual relationship with a man is important to you, you missed the boat a long time ago... The signs were there from day 1, you ignored them.

 

So now, you are left to decide how important it is for you to have a sexual relationship in your relationship... because, based on this last post - it's not going to happen with your current husband.

Edited July 4, 2018 by BaileyB

[HiCrunchy]

OP stop trying to change ur husband.

He was like this before u married him and isnt likely to change now. It seems to be a care part of his personality.

He isn't into sex as much as u are for whatever reason.

An open marriage will in these conditions will only make things worse.

 

I advise you see a therapist and divorce ur husband. It will safe u both heartache later.