Is the OM ghosting me?

[Striver]

Sorry it's hard to really respond individually because I am on my phone. I'll try to explain some questions.

 

What I mean by my husband rejecting me even though I'm not an initiater (since I can see how that is confusing). Basically from day one he wasn't too interested in sex but he lived with his parents and they are Asian. He would never try to have sex with me at his parents house (even when his mom wasn't home) and I assumed that he "respected" his mom so much that he wouldn't dare try to sleep with me in her home.

 

Fast forward to 3 months into our relationship I had a friend go out of town. I took this as an opportunity to stay at her house for the night. We went out to dinner, had a few drinks while watching movies. The plan in my mind was to finally be able to have sex. Nope. Nothing happened. Here I was...obviously got to stay at my friends house for obvious reasons but he fell fast asleep as I laid there in disbelief. His excuse was he stayed up all night the night before playing video games and he was tired. Yup, there you have it. I was dating an 8 year old boy. I should've broken up with him at that point but it was complicated because we worked together at that time.

 

Fast forward another year, I took him to Hawaii for his birthday. Packed lingerie. He wasn't interested in me wearing the lingerie so that was that. The one way I know how to initiate sex. Turns out he thought I bought my nurse lingerie outfit and his mother is a nurse. I told him afterwards that I bought another outfit but it was too late.

 

Then we moved in together and night after night I would go to sleep alone in our bed while he would stay up for hours and hours playing video games. I bought it up all the time. ALL. THE. TIME. He told me that he felt like sex was a "chore". His exact words.

 

We had more sex back then but not like I was used to from previous boyfriends. It would be like once every 2 weeks or so. Another thing is we would have sex but he wouldn't cum. He said because his ex girlfriend refused to take birth control and wouldn't let him cum inside her so he just got used to not cumming. Okay....... odd I thought.

 

So there was that.

 

Yeah, i never should of stayed with him as long as I did but here were my reasonings to why.

 

1. I just left an abusive relationship where the guy was on drugs and using me for sex

 

2. My parents were both addicts at the time and I couldn't stay at home.

 

3. I wanted a "nice" guy and he sure was different than every other guy. He didn't use me for my body so I stayed.

 

4. He was so nice and I had a crush on him for years because we were coworkers. So I liked him so much that I was able to look past major red flags.

 

5. I was reaching 30 and stupid me freaked out about my age.

 

There you have it. Not so wise choices obviously but that's the gist of it. I feel like I tried in the past to initiate sex in the best way I knew how and we still fought about it all the time.

 

To clarify after reading some responses. It's not that I'm trying to work things out with my husband because this other guy rejected me (which by the way he has contacted me) I NEVER wanted to leave my husband to begin with. That was never my intention.

 

I've only asked for an open marriage twice and this is after we've gone over a whole year with no sex (I was pregnant and he didn't want to "hurt" the baby) and then another 6 months with no sex. Even though I bring it up all the time. It would do nothing but cause us to fight. It's not like I bring it up and he f's me that night and we make up. It's that I bring it up and we fight and fight to the point where I just can't take the fighting anymore because it's exhausting.

 

You knew who he was and married him. Had kids with him. So you owe it to him to try and make it work. Otherwise vows don't matter. People who don't respect vows shouldn't get married, so they can just leave whenever they are unhappy.

 

Your H should also try to make you happy. Max out whatever he has, use Viagra, whatever it takes. Apparently he is capable of sex to a degree, just doesn't care for it. If he loves you, he can still try and make you as happy as possible. Women have done it - they love their men, but aren't attracted to the sex anymore, but keep having it because it's what the H wants. He can do the same.

[Ravensglen]

But why should OP have to suffer through a relationship where she feels her husband has to “tolerate” sex with her? That is NOT healthy! That is NOT a way to live the rest of your life! That is horrible for anyone’s self esteem. She should be wanted and cherished and appreciated, not simply tolerated. I disagree, I don’t think OP needs to live like that for the rest of her life. I don’t think anyone should live like that. Personally, I think the relationship is doomed because this is a huge incompatibility and the husband likely won’t change. Husband and wife should do more than merely tolerate sex with each other. It should be fun. It should be a way to connect that is special to each other only.

[Colin Grant]

But why should OP have to suffer through a relationship where she feels her husband has to “tolerate” sex with her? That is NOT healthy! That is NOT a way to live the rest of your life! That is horrible for anyone’s self esteem. She should be wanted and cherished and appreciated, not simply tolerated. I disagree, I don’t think OP needs to live like that for the rest of her life. I don’t think anyone should live like that. Personally, I think the relationship is doomed because this is a huge incompatibility and the husband likely won’t change. Husband and wife should do more than merely tolerate sex with each other. It should be fun. It should be a way to connect that is special to each other only.

 

I haven't read every post on here, but are people questioning whether she should be in the marriage or not. That's not even debatable. Infidelity, is though. That's not debatable, nor an excuse. Different issue altogether.

[DKT3]

But why should OP have to suffer through a relationship where she feels her husband has to “tolerate” sex with her? That is NOT healthy! That is NOT a way to live the rest of your life! That is horrible for anyone’s self esteem. She should be wanted and cherished and appreciated, not simply tolerated. I disagree, I don’t think OP needs to live like that for the rest of her life. I don’t think anyone should live like that. Personally, I think the relationship is doomed because this is a huge incompatibility and the husband likely won’t change. Husband and wife should do more than merely tolerate sex with each other. It should be fun. It should be a way to connect that is special to each other only.

 

I have not seen anyone suggest she has to or should stay married. What she needs to do is focus on a solution and not why some random dude doesn't want to have intercourse with her. Like every marriage it's more than one person's narrative. She holds responsiblity for the state of her marriage as well, I have yet to hear her take ownership of any of it, not even her cheating.

[stillafool]

OP, you do seem to put all the blame on your husband. I don't see a reason to stay married to a man who doesn't want you or for him to be with a wife who will cheat. I don't see your situation changing. Sexual attraction is not something you can just will to happen.

[HTullio]

 

1. I just left an abusive relationship where the guy was on drugs and using me for sex

 

2. My parents were both addicts at the time and I couldn't stay at home.

 

3. I wanted a "nice" guy and he sure was different than every other guy. He didn't use me for my body so I stayed.

 

4. He was so nice and I had a crush on him for years because we were coworkers. So I liked him so much that I was able to look past major red flags.

 

5. I was reaching 30 and stupid me freaked out about my age.

 

 

 

I do apologize for my bad english. It is not my first language.

I think you are a great person. You have made a serious mistake. But all the people make mistakes. luckily you have not cause pain for anybody. ...or...the only one suffering are youself. You do not deserve tu suffer still. You have a family to take care, you have a life to live, a son to love. Take care of yourself; do not think about an irrilevant (and stupid!) lover. Take time. You do not need to choice anyting now. You need time to think about yourself.

 

Perhaps, in a year or two, you can choice a divorce. Or you can think that the best is your marriage and you can improve it. But you have a lot of time: your life is not ending now. Take your time, smile to the life. Wait.

 

I'm sure: you have a sexy body. Bat I'm sure too: you are a great person.

 

I hope the best for you

[Adotta]

I do apologize for my bad english. It is not my first language.

I think you are a great person. You have made a serious mistake. But all the people make mistakes. luckily you have not cause pain for anybody. ...or...the only one suffering are youself. You do not deserve tu suffer still. You have a family to take care, you have a life to live, a son to love. Take care of yourself; do not think about an irrilevant (and stupid!) lover. Take time. You do not need to choice anyting now. You need time to think about yourself.

 

Perhaps, in a year or two, you can choice a divorce. Or you can think that the best is your marriage and you can improve it. But you have a lot of time: your life is not ending now. Take your time, smile to the life. Wait.

 

I'm sure: you have a sexy body. Bat I'm sure too: you are a great person.

 

I hope the best for you

 

****ing wierdo!!! You're sure she has a nice body? Nobody got hurt? She's a great person?......

 

Are you high? Are you trying to pick up women on an infidelity forum? Your insane and highly unusual. Good luck fruit loop McGhee. Try to contain your crazy... for humanity's sake.

Edited July 8, 2018 by Adotta

[HTullio]

****ing wierdo!!! You're sure she has a nice body? Nobody got hurt? She's a great person?......

 

Are you high? Are you trying to pick up women on an infidelity forum? Your insane and highly unusual. Good luck fruit loop McGhee. Try to contain your crazy... for humanity's sake.

 

 

Hi. I'm in Italy, so it is difficoult for me, really, to pick up a women on this forum .

I read, here, of a person in pain, who is suffering. I cannot change her past time. She cannot too. She has - she told us openly - some issue of autostime with her body.

 

She knows she was been wrong. We can judge her, we can condemn her. but this doesn't help us and it doesn't help her.

 

We, in this forum, cannot help her husband. We can only help her.

 

I am sure you have motives to be disdained, but I don't know your history. I know only her history, and I write only about her history... for humanity's sake.

[Adotta]

You're telling her it's ok that she has done this and that she should just shove all her problems away and enjoy life. Those great big betrayals to her family and husband can just "wait" I guess.

 

Problem is the whole handle it later thing is exactly what I used to do. I would tell myself I would work on it next month. A week from now. This weekend. Tomorrow. But most of all it was never TODAY. As long as I gave myself a break and time to feel better about myself I almost inevitably did nothing in the end. Which meant my problems never got fixed.

 

Fixing what is wrong with ourselves isn't a tomorrow thing. Not next week. And sure as hell not next year. Every day has to be an opportunity to handle and begin fixing our ****.

 

Anything else is an excuse.

[kamani]

OP came here for support and is banged on her head for once cheating on a husband who deliberately avoided sex with her for one year. Posters like HTullio genuinely trying to support her are criticized as well.

 

What you guys think this husband has been doing for over one year neglecting OP if he was a healthy man? Further this loving and innocent husband has almost consented OP for a divorce. Reasons for consent from his side? No one knows.

 

Cheating is not right but no one is perfect. OP, if you want to try one last shot to be with him confess him what you did and ask for reasons for neglecting your needs.

 

Request the Moderators to move your thread to 'Marriage and Life Partnerships' where you are likely to get more support. This forum is for BS.

[stillafool]

 

What you guys think this husband has been doing for over one year neglecting OP if he was a healthy man? Further this loving and innocent husband has almost consented OP for a divorce. Reasons for consent from his side? No one knows.

 

 

It's obvious he's willing to let her go because he knows he's not sexually attracted to his wife and this isn't something he can just make happen. No one can.

[DKT3]

OP came here for support and is banged on her head for once cheating on a husband who deliberately avoided sex with her for one year. Posters like HTullio genuinely trying to support her are criticized as well.

 

What you guys think this husband has been doing for over one year neglecting OP if he was a healthy man? Further this loving and innocent husband has almost consented OP for a divorce. Reasons for consent from his side? No one knows.

 

Cheating is not right but no one is perfect. OP, if you want to try one last shot to be with him confess him what you did and ask for reasons for neglecting your needs.

 

Request the Moderators to move your thread to 'Marriage and Life Partnerships' where you are likely to get more support. This forum is for BS.

 

Support doesn't mean cuddling or stroking one on the head saying oh it's ok, you are only human. That's called babying or helping to gloss over the REAL issue.

 

See her husband may or may not having neglected her isn't the issue, the issue is how she handled it. She is responsibility for her cheating not her husband.

[Adotta]

I love how people become offended FOR other people. The op has not asked for kiddy punches. She has not expressed a desire for people to pull punches.

 

She s a big girl. Stop trying to protect her. She can speak for herself.

[HiCrunchy]

Support doesn't mean cuddling or stroking one on the head saying oh it's ok, you are only human. That's called babying or helping to gloss over the REAL issue.

 

See her husband may or may not having neglected her isn't the issue, the issue is how she handled it. She is responsibility for her cheating not her husband.

 

Bingo. Tough love is needed to give people a reality check sometimes.

[Purepony]

This thread is crazyyyy!!! I mean from her trying to intentionally cheat to a guy who drops her and spins her wheels all the way to the husband willing to take an open marriage

[Adotta]

Honestly I'm Kinda not very stuck on the act of cheating she did. I don't blame her at all for desiring to be desired. That's a normal female and to a lesser degree male trait. Everyone wants sex and desire and some passion. Well most everyone.........

 

My problem is this muddle along approach of hers and the lies. Her husband didn't spring this low sex drive on her. They didn't have some whirlwind romance before. This has been a problem from the very beginning. I don't care how much she had talked with her husband. She should have been able to either fix this sex problem or arrange divorce or an open marriage. Instead she argues a bit with hubby then burried resentment. Burried issues.

I just don't understand how she couldn't say, hubby either YOU start laying pipe weekly/daily/hourly, we divorce or someone else lays some pipe in your place and meant it. While not the most comfortable thing to talk about its better than lies and cheating.

 

Fine. Let's all agree that just because she was naive and underestimated her own desire for such things and it came back to bite her doesn't mean she should have to be chained to her husband. It doesnt make her a harlot by any stretch and one session of lackluster sex doesn't even come close to other stories on this board.

 

I'm not calling her a horrible person. She isn't. She backed herself into a bad situation. A bad marriage. But good people do bad things all the time. And cheating is bad. It's dangerous in many ways. It goes even beyond simply broken trust and manipulation or having sex with someone not her husband. It can literally put people's lives in danger. Her own family.

 

I honestly think this woman is a good person who is slowly more and more backing herself into a bad situation one lie (to herself as well as husband) and manipulation at a time. I feel like she intends well. She has a desire to fulfil her needs while keeping her family together if possible. She doesn't enjoy lying or manipulating. She sees it as a tool to keep what scrap of a marriage and family she has together. I can respect the fear of losing her family and way of life.

 

The sad and almost infuriating part of this is what I'm trying to tell her is THE ONLY WAY SHE GETS TO HAVE BOTH FULFILMENT AND HER FAMILY IN A SAFE SANE AND HAPPY WAY IS THROUGH HONESTY!

 

Anything else will damage HER and her family!

 

I understand that she is probably afraid. I really do. I've had to do some confessing in my life and I was scared ****less. But it was worth it. Even if it had gone horribly horrifyingly bad, I would still be happy with my decision. The lies were eating me up. It was damaging my ability to function and socialize.

 

Lies cut both ways. But the back cut doesn't give as much pain. It's more insidious. It changes a person little by little. Before you know it you cant even look yourself in the mirror. STOP LYING. Free yourself. I love my new authentic life. I fought hard against myself to get it. It's very much worth the agony I went through to get it. I work on it every day.

Edited July 11, 2018 by Adotta

[RoseGold18]

The OM has contacted me and seems like him selling his place is actually true and he still wants to see me.

 

I know it's wrong. I know I'm making some bad decisions but I feel like I can't help myself.

 

I am not sure I need much more from this thread but I promise you I'm not a bad person.

 

I do indeed feel terrible about cheating and the lies, but at this point I feel like I need this to live a fulfilling life. I feel bad the day of and then I'm able to black out my actions the day after.

 

So far we've only done something that once but we're planning on meeting again. I am messed up, I know but i think it might be helpful to see the other side of cheating. Perhaps the neglected spouses. I'm doing it because I want that desire and I want that excitement and honestly if we keep it at once a week or so, I know I'll never caught.

 

I'm sorry. I'm sorry for all the betrayed spouses. I've been cheated on before and I know how it feels. But I see my situation as something different. I did underestimate how much I needed to feel desired. Now I am literally screwed.

 

No need to say anything further. I know you all hate me as a hate myself as well. But like I said when I'm home with my son and my husband I block it out. I've dealt with so much trauma in my life that I can block it all out.

[Adotta]

The OM has contacted me and seems like him selling his place is actually true and he still wants to see me.

 

I know it's wrong. I know I'm making some bad decisions but I feel like I can't help myself.

 

I am not sure I need much more from this thread but I promise you I'm not a bad person.

 

I do indeed feel terrible about cheating and the lies, but at this point I feel like I need this to live a fulfilling life. I feel bad the day of and then I'm able to black out my actions the day after.

 

So far we've only done something that once but we're planning on meeting again. I am messed up, I know but i think it might be helpful to see the other side of cheating. Perhaps the neglected spouses. I'm doing it because I want that desire and I want that excitement and honestly if we keep it at once a week or so, I know I'll never caught.

 

I'm sorry. I'm sorry for all the betrayed spouses. I've been cheated on before and I know how it feels. But I see my situation as something different. I did underestimate how much I needed to feel desired. Now I am literally screwed.

 

No need to say anything further. I know you all hate me as a hate myself as well. But like I said when I'm home with my son and my husband I block it out. I've dealt with so much trauma in my life that I can block it all out.

 

I don't hate you. I hate what you are doing to yourself. To your family.

 

It sounds like your set on proceeding down this dark path. I sincerely wish you didn't, but my words are not likely to matter right now. I understand. I do. I was a master "blocker" as well. I was very good at blocking out obtrusive and hard to deal with emotions and thoughts. I used distractions as a tool to not deal with the hard stuff.

 

I think eventually you will come to understand that is a horrible way to deal with issues as those issues are never actually solved and only fester.

 

If I had one suggestion that wasn't about stopping what your about to do, it would be to not talk about emotion with this OM. Keep it PURELY NSA.

 

For two reasons.

 

1. Your OM is likely to chew you up and spit you out should you catch feeling for him. It will be very hard to NOT CATCH feelings for him when he is using the player handbook on you and feeding you ego kibbles, but please try.

 

2. If you DO catch feelings for him you're very likely to end up with the same ending you are currently afraid of. Split damaged family. Horrible shame. Destroyed reputation. And tons of damage to your husband. But this time it would be by your own choice. Once you catch feeling for this OM it will be the beginning of the end. You will sink deeper and deeper into lala land until you see breaking your own family as an ok thing to do as long as you get what you want. That being a relationship with your om... who likely is just chasing tail.

 

I wish you luck. Your not a horrible person. You frustrate me.... a lot. You are making bad decisions, but you're not evil. Don't ever believe you are either. We are all damaged in one way or another. Believing yourself to be evil or intrinsically bad is also like throwing a pity party for yourself. It helps no one. Especially not yourself.

 

I wish you all the happiness in the world. Hopefully you can get there in a healthy way one day. Hopefully one day you will stop being your own worst enemy.

 

Peace and love loveshack friend. Good luck.

Edited July 11, 2018 by Adotta

[BaileyB]

The OM has contacted me and seems like him selling his place is actually true and he still wants to see me.

 

I know it's wrong. I know I'm making some bad decisions but I feel like I can't help myself.

 

I do indeed feel terrible about cheating and the lies, but at this point I feel like I need this to live a fulfilling life. I feel bad the day of and then I'm able to black out my actions the day after.

 

I'm doing it because I want that desire and I want that excitement and honestly if we keep it at once a week or so, I know I'll never caught.

 

Now I am literally screwed.

 

Quite literally, you are screwed. Lord, deliver you from yourself because you have now become the source of your own pain... You just haven't realized it yet.

 

You know that you will never get caught? Famous. Last. Words. He knows your freaking brother!! Of course you will be caught, it's a matter of when - not if. You will be caught, your lie will be exposed, and you will suffer the consequences of your decisions...

 

That is, if you don't fall in love with the other man and suffer the hell of being the "other woman." And let's face it, you are so desperate for affection that you are easy prey for any kind of abuser or adulterous man.

 

No, you are not a bad person. But, you do most definitely make very, very stupid decisions.

 

Good luck to you. Don't say you were not warned.

Edited July 11, 2018 by BaileyB

[Colin Grant]

At some point, try it on for size.

[RoseGold18]

At some point, try it on for size.

 

Okay, so are you saying that neither myself or he OM has self respect or just me?

 

I believe women can have this sort of arrangement and still have self respect. I've done it before when I was single and I had a FWB situation for a whole year without getting attached. He was the one who got attached to me.

 

I do believe I have self respect. I'm getting what I want out from this situation. We're both using each other.

[BaileyB]

Okay, so are you saying that neither myself or he OM has self respect or just me?

 

I believe women can have this sort of arrangement and still have self respect. I've done it before when I was single and I had a FWB situation for a whole year without getting attached. He was the one who got attached to me.

 

I do believe I have self respect. I'm getting what I want out from this situation. We're both using each other.

 

My goodness. A woman with self respect would tell this lying, cheating, MARRIED man to keep walking... she would never give him the time of day.

 

A woman with self respect would never cheat on her husband. She would pay him the respect and dignity owing to any other human being, least of all the man she vowed to love, cherish, and honor for the rest of her life, the decency of honesty. She would end one relationship, before beginning another.

 

A woman with self respect would know that her marriage has BIG problems that will not be helped if she gets permission to cheat - oops, I mean convince her husband to "open" the marriage. Nothing against open marriage between two consenting adults, but you are doing it for all the wrong reasons and in a very reckless way.

 

A woman with self respect would not come onto a message board, depressed and threatening self harm because a married man that she did not even know had rejected her sexually. She would not ask time and time again what she had done wrong to cause this rejection.

 

My friend, you are already in the affair fog. You have found a way to justify and rationalize your behavior in a way that makes it acceptable to you. You say that you had a FWB relationship in the past, when you were SINGLE, I'm sure. That is a BIG difference. You fool yourself if you think this little arrangement is not going to go "kaboom!"

 

Sometimes, people have to learn their lessons the hard way. And, that seems to be what you are determined to do. So, more power to you.

 

If you are interested, head on over to the "other woman" board and read the stories of women who thought they were in control, that their decisions were completely justified, and see how it turned out for most of them...

 

There are two stories on the board currently - two married women who had affairs and got pregnant by their affair partner. Consider that consequence for a moment, before you turn up without a condom next time you have sex with this new guy.

Edited July 12, 2018 by BaileyB

[Colin Grant]

My goodness. A woman with self respect would tell this lying, cheating, MARRIED man to keep walking... she would never give him the time of day.

 

A woman with self respect would never cheat on her husband. She would pay him the respect and dignity owing to any other human being, least of all the man she vowed to love, cherish, and honor for the rest of her life, the decency of honesty. She would end one relationship, before beginning another.

 

A woman with self respect would know that her marriage has BIG problems that will not be helped if she gets permission to cheat - oops, I mean convince her husband to "open" the marriage. Nothing against open marriage between two consenting adults, but you are doing it for all the wrong reasons and in a very reckless way.

 

A woman with self respect would not come onto a message board, depressed and threatening self harm because a married man that she did not even know had rejected her sexually. She would not ask time and time again what she had done wrong to cause this rejection.

 

My friend, you are already in the affair fog. You have found a way to justify and rationalize your behavior in a way that makes it acceptable to you. You say that you had a FWB relationship in the past, when you were SINGLE, I'm sure. That is a BIG difference. You fool yourself if you think this little arrangement is not going to go "kaboom!"

 

Sometimes, people have to learn their lessons the hard way. And, that seems to be what you are determined to do. So, more power to you.

 

If you are interested, head on over to the "other woman" board and read the stories of women who thought they were in control, that their decisions were completely justified, and see how it turned out for most of them...

 

There are two stories on the board currently - two married women who had affairs and got pregnant by their affair partner. Consider that consequence for a moment, before you turn up without a condom next time you have sex with this new guy.

 

BaileyB pretty much covered what I was unwilling to draft. I was willing to take as long at drafting something as needed if you were willing to rethink your position and direction. But after reading the post of hooking up, I figured you'd given up so no need for me to help you.

 

Please do me this one favor. Watch the videos listed below.

 

May peace be with you and your husband.

 

Infidelity and Affair Recovery

 

The Other Side of Infidelity

 

Rethinking infidelity ... a talk for anyone who has ever loved

[DKT3]

Okay, so are you saying that neither myself or he OM has self respect or just me?

 

I believe women can have this sort of arrangement and still have self respect. I've done it before when I was single and I had a FWB situation for a whole year without getting attached. He was the one who got attached to me.

 

I do believe I have self respect. I'm getting what I want out from this situation. We're both using each other.

 

And your husband gets what? Betrayal?

[DKT3]

We've seen your situation here before, someone is here BEFORE the affair gets physical, both betrayed spouses and wayward spouses attempt to talk them down and I've only seen it work once, every other time they carried out getting physical so really it's a loss trying to convince you, so have fun.