My wife wants to keep her friend

[LuckyClover]

My wife has been working for 4 months now and has this guy friend who she invited over to our house when i went out of town for the night. They weren't alone so it wasn't like a hook up etc.. but apparently he was drunk and was tickling her and smacking her ass, she put a stop to it and made it clear that it was inappropriate; however, she fell asleep next to him on the couch. When I got home this morning she was up front and honest about everything. I let it go and later today I went for a run while she was at work. I gave myself a couple hours to think about what had happen and I became furious that she even put herself in that position. I messaged her that i was upset about it and that i don't want this guy around my house ever again. She didn't like that i was telling her she couldn't be friends with this guy. She wants me to trust her that nothing is going to come of it, but with being cheated on by my ex wife with a guy she worked with, its hard for me to just let things go and hope for the best. So i go by her work because she should have been home and she's outside of his truck talking with him through his window. I haven't gone home yet because im pissed and it's not about me not trusting her. I feel like she's putting this dude ahead of me and my concerns. I don't want to go off on her, nor do I want to ignore how I feel. What should I say and do?

Edited July 19, 2018 by LuckyClover

[PegNosePete]

Who else was there?

 

From whom are you getting the information about what happened?

 

How do you know she was upfront and honest about everything?

 

She didn't like that i was telling her she couldn't be friends with this guy.

Tell her that friends don't slap each other's asses. Friends don't have to "put a stop to it and make it clear that it's inappropriate" because friends don't do inappropriate things to begin with. This guy is not a friend. He is quite obviously trying to get into your wife's pants. If she values her marriage then she needs to put a stop to it by cutting him off.

[DKT3]

Yeah, at the very least your wife is romantically interested in this guy, to the worst, which unfortunately you have experienced.

 

Sometimes a man simply has to put his foot down, you are there. If we are being honest, your wife's claim of trust me is already an epic failure. The guy was inappropriate and they she was leaning into his truck. A trustworthy wife wouldn't be doing that after claiming she already had to put him in his place for being inappropriate..Soo she is most likely lying about what happened at the house with him before.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

Ask yourself, would your wife have invited this guy over to your home and slept with him on your couch if you were there?

 

She may very well be telling you the truth about some of his behavior while leaving out other crucial details that will show her own guilt and complicity. It is much easier to lie when you tell partial truths and leave certain parts out.

 

If you tolerate this sort of behavior and lack of boundaries you are letting her believe that she can carry on with this guy however she pleases. Of course you can't tell her what to do, but you can tell her your deal breakers are and what you will and won't accept in your relationship, and if she continues to carry on with him like this and thinks it is okay to have sleepovers when you are away, you will leave her.

 

At this point she clearly doesn't realize how close she is coming to screwing up her marriage, and she needs a big wake up call. Her willingness to compromise and work on your relationship will show you where her head is at and whether your marriage is still worth fighting for.

[d0nnivain]

At 4 months into a new job, I'm not inviting an opposite co-worker into my home while my husband is out of town. If for some reason he shows up because I invited other work friends & he tagged along, assuming he got too drunk to drive home, I'd probably leave him on the couch but I'd be up in my bedroom alone, not falling asleep on the couch with him. That is school girl BS co**teasing.

 

If your wife had a work friendship where she ate lunch with this guy in public while sober & talked about neutral subjects, I'd tell you to back off. That unfortunately is not what is going on. By taking umbrage at your reasonable request that the guy not be allowed at your house any more your soon to be EX wife is gaslighting you.

[BluesPower]

Dude... you are being a fool.

 

She is having an emotional affair under your nose. If she has not already slept with him, which you actually have not idea if she has or not.

 

She needs to leave the house or quit her job and take a polygraph.

 

The money says that they are sleeping together, and probably slept together that night.

 

DO NOT BE A BETA FOOL WITH THIS, hit it hard and fast.

 

Best thing to do is put her cloths on the front porch and tell her to get lost...

[maxi105]

hmmm...lucky clover, I can see why you are annoyed, but, she did put this guy in his place about the innapropraite conduct, she was not alone with him in your home and she has spoken to you honestly about this.

 

 

she is new in a work place and is looking to make friends, yes even male freindships can be possible, even close, fun ones that don't go anywhere except fun and work related.

 

 

she sounds mature and honest, I presume she loves you right, so maybe you need to go for another run and think about what happens if your current jelousy makes her ****** with you and she wants to tell you to keep on runnin!

 

 

sounds like you got a stong lady there so you need to be careful not to over egg this thing or you will be the loser.

 

 

you saw your wife talking to someone who you feel threatened by, you don't know what they were talking about, you were not there when they were (or he rather) was goofing around, she obviously didn't like the physical contact and rightly told him it wasn't on) and she told you about it the next day.

 

 

you don't really have a right to go telling even your wife who she can and cannot have friends with. some folks will just make sure that they are with people that you are carrying on about knowing nothing is going on just to prove to you you have no right to tell her who she can and cant speak with.

 

 

this man may be already married, it might only be the effects of too much liquor. you need to chill out, and speak to her and behave like an adult about what happened.

 

 

talk to her properly rather than throwing your orders around and you might get somewhere.

 

 

you don't know that she is interested in him or having an emotional affair, you don't know how this man is with her in the work place, you don't know that much except what is threatening you and you have reacted to it, but you may not know all of the facts that have lead up to that or how they have been since, maybe the guy was apologising when they were talking together in his truck.

 

 

you are married and you need to think a bit more about what you actually do have! and resepct that. if you have real factual knowledge that she is interested in wanting this man or ahs actually slept with him or is meeting him and lying about that regularly then you are right to go off at this, but until then you need to stop throwing your weight in her face as she is a grown woman who can speak to and have a friendship with who she wants to ..just the way you can.

 

 

you have married this woman, but you don't sound like you have trust for her and how she has acted and dealt with this situation.

 

 

check yourself out before you fire up on this otherwise you will see another side of your wife and im sure she will also be only too happy to put you in your place (and quite rightly so, from the situation as we know it).

 

 

im sure you'll sort this out ok, but please, think before you get caught up in your macho moment!!!!! it just aint worth the bother, if she has dealt with this already.

 

 

you need to deal with this emotionally, and talk to her and both agree a more suitable situation.

 

 

I hope she keeps seeing him as a friend, good people make a work place go even better. and until you have a PROPER REASON with PROPER FACTS about how he or they have carried on (especially now that this has happened...if you find things later on then sure lay it plain for her) but until then you need to be thankful that she is the person she is!

 

 

so she fell asleep next to the man...she was drunk and crashed, have you never fallen asleep after a party or night at the bar?

 

 

see this in the perspective it is, and I am with your wife for this on this time...if it happens again, then you are right to get mad, but for this one I don't think you are right as you were not there on either occasion to really see what this was about.

 

 

don't let what happened with your ex make you also be in a situation (if it is dealt with and out in the open with a woman who has dealt with things to stop drunken behaviour she was not comfortable with going any further) don't let your baggage with another woman spoil what was dealt with quickly and honestly just because you got jelouse and assumed things that you don't actually know properly.

 

 

otherwise you will end up with another ex in your history!!!!!

 

 

you'll just have to trust her and be pleased that she dealt with this.

 

 

if it happens again, im with you, she has dissed you, but until then maybe you need to take this one on the chin and don't go looking for trouble that may not even be there.

 

 

if something is goin on you'll find that out sooner or later naturally and it will show itself. you need to take the adult line on this and that's not telling folks who they can and cant see.

 

 

you cant stop her seeing him anyway as she works with him, so your anger is already wasted in that front.

 

 

some people have more integrity than others, if you think this man is no good, then you must also not be biased in your blame and you need to also blame your wife!!!!! I don't think somehow you have the same anger for her as you do him some how, and again that isn't rational for this situation.

 

 

if you trust her then that means you have to trust her. if she breaks that trust (properly breaks it), not that you get jelouse because you hear her telling a story about him or he sends a work email that she laughs at) I mean proper breaks your trust then im with you and ill have more support. but until then you have to look at the much bigger picture.

 

 

good luck, even if you don't like the reply. just take it easy at let things go this time. some of this is also about your undealt emotions with your ex!!! and that istn fair to keep jumping up at things that are about other people and your wife.

 

 

if you cant trust her and move on properly from this, then maybe you are the one that has the real issues that will threated to damage your relationships.

 

 

ok, its an honest one as ever, but hopefully it wont happen in the same way. but maybe you also need to accept that your wife is a grown woman who sounds sociable and self assured. if you try to force things because of your own issues, and you are wrong about what you think is the case then you will lose more than this stranger has gained by being another sociable adult. good luck maxi.

[BluesPower]

hmmm...lucky clover, I can see why you are annoyed, but, she did put this guy in his place about the innapropraite conduct, she was not alone with him in your home and she has spoken to you honestly about this.

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ok, its an honest one as ever, but hopefully it wont happen in the same way. but maybe you also need to accept that your wife is a grown woman who sounds sociable and self assured. if you try to force things because of your own issues, and you are wrong about what you think is the case then you will lose more than this stranger has gained by being another sociable adult. good luck maxi.

 

The hallmarks are there already for an emotional affair, from the start.

 

He has no idea if they slept together or have or are.

 

Have you ever been through infidelity, in any way?

 

The way to deal with this stuff is not to be a trusting puppy dog.

 

You hit it hard and fast and you take charge. If it ends in divorce it is not his fault.

 

What she did, was disrespectful and shady at the very least.

 

The only way he will find out what is going on is to poly her and find out.

 

Please no comments about poly's we have been through it, only trained people can beat the...

 

No he needs to take care of business, find out what went on, and divorce if necessary.

[Rockdad]

Lucky I feel for you, I really do. I don't have an answer for you as I never did find one for myself when I was in somewhat in that position in my previous marriage. Nothing I could do or say for several years would get the interfering person to stay away from my house or off the other end of the phone on a near daily basis. They were not sexually involved but immersed in an emotional affair and relationship.

 

 

 

In retrospect for myself I wished when I finally put the ultimatum down it was either me or her friend and I was clearly told it would not be the friend I didn't walk out the door immediatly. I hope you are able to get a handle on this before it's out of reach as it got for me.

[d0nnivain]

I can see why you are annoyed, but, she did put this guy in his place about the innapropraite conduct, she was not alone with him in your home and she has spoken to you honestly about this..

 

See below:

 

, she fell asleep next to him on the couch.

 

This woman claims she slept on the couch next to an opposite sex co-worker in her own home, after he was slapping her ass & tickling her.

 

How stupid does she think people are? There is no reason on this earth she could not have gone to your room & slept alone in your marital bed.

 

LuckyClover -- especially if this wife knows your 1st wife cheated on you with a co-worker, this is just so bad. Read more about gaslighting because, honestly hon, I think your picker is off.

[central]

Tell her she can keep her friend, or she can keep her husband. Pick one. If she chooses the former, stop being the latter, ASAP.

[Imajerk17]

She is already having an affair bro.

 

Even if 'nothing else' happened besides she and her friend falling asleep on the couch together happened (ha yeah right!) she already severely disrespected you. And despite how bad her actions came across (very bad indeed) she still told you she was going to keep seeing him.

 

I'd put my foot down and even hire a PI to gather evidence. Women like your wife are just Bad News.

[Chilli]

l'm sorry lucky for all the negativity here but l pretty well go along with it tbh myself too.

 

l think she was at least cheeky and flirty with him or he wouldn't be slapping any ass or tickling. And yaknow , you don't have another man over when your hubs away let alone sleep on the couch with him.

 

How do you think she'd like that if that was you with another woman while she was away, l can see a big hole in the ceiling where she blew her top when she found out.

 

He wouldn't be coming back to my house that's for sure and l'd be insisting she stay the hell away from him at the very least.

As far as anything more going or or how to handle it further, l know it's a marriage we're talking about here so , l'm not sure but you def' gotta find out more about your w in all of this.

[maxi105]

well I guess it would be interesting to hear what the lucky clover "actually"did in the end.

 

maxi.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

My wife has been working for 4 months now and has this guy friend who she invited over to our house when i went out of town for the night. They weren't alone so it wasn't like a hook up etc.. but apparently he was drunk and was tickling her and smacking her ass, she put a stop to it and made it clear that it was inappropriate; however, she fell asleep next to him on the couch. When I got home this morning she was up front and honest about everything. I let it go and later today I went for a run while she was at work. I gave myself a couple hours to think about what had happen and I became furious that she even put herself in that position. I messaged her that i was upset about it and that i don't want this guy around my house ever again. She didn't like that i was telling her she couldn't be friends with this guy. She wants me to trust her that nothing is going to come of it, but with being cheated on by my ex wife with a guy she worked with, its hard for me to just let things go and hope for the best. So i go by her work because she should have been home and she's outside of his truck talking with him through his window. I haven't gone home yet because im pissed and it's not about me not trusting her. I feel like she's putting this dude ahead of me and my concerns. I don't want to go off on her, nor do I want to ignore how I feel. What should I say and do?

 

 

 

This story has all of the markings of a woman who has lost interest in the relationship at home but who is unwilling to initiate a break-up on her own, so instead she takes risks and makes stupid decisions while hoping within that the husband will initiate the break-up so she doesn't have to.

 

 

The 3rd-party individual hardly matters to the big picture.