Is love and marriage, work?

[Jamess1]

Married the wrong woman, probably at the wrong reason and time 'you were young right ?' And you did waste your life, you did miss out. It's only years later that most men realize that their wives never loved them, used them as providers for security, comfort, provision, raising kids, but never loved them...like the guys she had at college...

 

And she seems very manipulative, suicide attempt when you wanted a divorce...

 

Relationships are not work, only for those who don't understand them or men who just don't get it, who are not in control of their lives..

 

My relationships are paradise on earth, I take control...I am the man, I create what I want in my life, and if she can't be a part of that life I want to have she can leave..take charge of your life, you don't have forever...

 

Read the rationale male, understand the mistakes you made...

[georgia girl]

Mighty nerd,

 

I am so lucky that I have an amazing marriage and while it is work, I can honestly say it doesn’t feel like it. All of the things you express - that the work is because you WANT to do it vs. HAVING to do it, that your partner attempts to address your needs, wants and desires - I have it and I do it. My husband and I are incredibly well-matched. So, I don’t think you’re wrong here. I also think your wife has some behavioral health issues that likely prevent her from being a partner at all, rather than just being a good partner. Most importantly, I think you have fallen out of love with her. Maybe there is just too much lost over the years - from errors you both have made - to ever make a successful go at it.

 

I hate to see any marriage fail but I think you are likely doing the right thing for both of you. If you don’t love her anymore, get out compassionately. Go to counseling to help her accept it. Don’t start any new relationship before this one is truly over (.i.e. don’t cheat). Help your children cope with the breakup of your family. Distribute shared assets equitably.

 

It’s okay to want more. I think sometimes this forum can challenge thread starters in both helpful and unhelpful ways. We don’t know you. We don’t know your wife. We haven’t been observers of your marriage. So, we can’t reflect back to you if your impressions/feelings are fair or not. In a lot of ways, that’s irrelevant anyway. If you don’t love her, it’s time to go.

[SmartDude]

Her negativity I view as an impediment to my ability to seek happiness. Not wanting to be exposed to her negativity (paraphrasing her words) means I'm not putting in the work.

 

Edit: The 11 days she was in detox / inpatient care, I had no headache, no anxiety attacks, and my blood pressure was 25 points lower. Seriously.

 

I'm just trying to understand her viewpoint that it takes work to love someone. I'm jealous of people who have effortless marriages. Who brag on each other. Not point out faults and accuse the other of not caring. I cared for 18 years of marriage and got tired of feeling unappreciated, and when I seek an out I get accused of not caring.

 

Your whole direction is just wrong and you are focusing on the wrong questions. You are asking if a relationship is work or if there is supose to be some element of happiness to it. Of course relationships are supposed to bring satisfaction in life! She has your head so controled that she made you doubt your own need for happiness. That my friend is called an abusive relationship, you have been the victim in this.

 

Does she have a diagnosed personality disorder? Perhaps borderline personality disorder or narccisistic personality disorder would be my first guesses.

 

If you feel really good and like yourself again just as a result of her not being in your company for a short while, watch out, that is a sign. You have lost yourself.

 

Your question right now needs to be "how am I going to survive this and get out with my sanity?"

[SunnyWeather]

Her therapist has insisted that we attend marriage counseling with him. I suppose I'm okay with this, but, here's my quandary.

 

 

Seeing your wife's therapist as a couple would be considered by many professionals as not only a bad idea, but unethical on the part of the therapist to do such a thing.

 

IF you decide to do couple's therapy, get another one who does not already have a therapeutic alliance with either one of you. Seeing her therapist for one or two visits might be helpful for her treatment, but not appropriate long term couple's therapy.

 

To your other points, I suggest you reframe the query. Instead of looking at marriage requiring 'work' how about looking at it as your marriage being a garden that both partners need to nurture to ensure its survival and ability to bear fruit.

Edited July 23, 2018 by SunnyWeather