Love and a Housemate

[Loempia741]

Hi all,

 

I'm a 28 year old man living together with two other girls. The second girl moved in 3 months ago. And over that time I've completely fallen for her. Here is my story:

 

From the moment she moved in I felt there was a connection. We shared the same vibe. Over the weeks we spend a lot of time together, listening to music with a bottle of wine, sharing walks, talking about everything and enjoying the silence and the tension there clearly was between us.

 

As time went on we hooked up one night and started having sex. There was another guy she was seeing and he saw us one night kissing, completely losing his ****. I felt in control.

 

She also told me she is not looking for a relationship, she just (1 week before she moved in) ended a very obsessive relationship and she wanted her freedom. She wanted to taste life before she stepped into another relationship. So basically she was honest about her intentions. She liked me, she felt comfortable with me, she even said she would be able to give herself to me, but she wasn't ready to commit.

 

One night I knew she went to a club and slept with the forementioned guy. I told her that it's very hard for me to share her like that, that it doesn't feel comfortable knowing she's intimate with a guy that clearly is falling for her as well. Anyway at this point she told me she could not let him go as a friend, but that friends is all they would remain. No more intimacy, no more sex.

 

We had a brilliant couple of weeks, filled with intimacy, friendship and sparks of love. Up until she brought him home one night. I was furious. I couldn't see how she could be so discrespectful. The next weekend she spent a whole weekend at his place. I'm filled with emotions and clearly not a rational man. So off course I sent her an emotional letter where I said I have feelings and I'm in no rush. But explaining that it's hard to develop something when there is no room to get to know each other without other factors (this guy) glooming over us. I basically said I need to step back, or I would ruin myself. Mind you, I lost my mother last year, and I'm very fragile at this point in time.

 

We talked about the letter and about her wanting her freedom. About the fact that as housemates this situation isn't healthy and about creating distance.

 

Flash forward to today: she's been giving me the cold shoulder for a couple of weeks now. She's been spending tons of time with this guy. She basically dissapeared of the radar. Coming home from time to time, then we talk a bit. She even suggested doing something together, but that's it..

 

I know this is what we discussed, I know this is what I asked for. The point is I somehow feel I can't cope with it. I know when she hasn't stayed home, because her bike isn't here when I leave for work in the morning. I'm living with a girl I should'nt be in love with but still I'm obsessing over her. I know this has to do with more than just her, it has to do with me and how I view myself and my current position in life. I'm looking for myself.

 

The only thing I don't know is how to cope. I feel like I'm thinking about her everyday. Should I move? I feel like moving would be another overreaction, and putting myself in a lot of discomfort. And all because of what, a woman??

 

Any advice would be welcome. But not obligatory, I just wanted to share my story.

[Ralph79]

So you admit you are obsessing over a girl who warned you that she was just coming off an obsessive relationship . She wanted to be a free spirit and have commitment-free sex .

 

You obliged , enjoyed it , and when it came time respect her wishes , you want to keep her all to yourself .

 

I’m not saying that girls who have casual sex are bad , but why would you go through all the mental hassle you are going through for a woman who CLEARLY doesn’t want to commit to you . Or anyone at this point in her life for that matter .

 

You lost her the moment you sought exclusivity . If that’s what you want then point in another direction pal , cuz this girl is out to get some variety in her love life . And there is nothing wrong with that . She isn’t ready to be who you want her to be .

 

She will settle down eventually . Maybe with the right guy , or maybe she’ll just get tired and make a random pick . But for now , I’d suggest you quit stressing over something completely out of your control .

 

You feel this way because you are no longer feeling in control . Well guess what , you never where . She sought something you agreed to and wanted nothing more . If you can’t be happy with that , then look somewhere else .

 

Don’t try to make her jealous , don’t confront her and don’t blame her . IMO from what you told us , this is a simple misunderstanding on your part .

 

Be happy for what she gave you and be cool .

 

You went through a tough breakup years ago , don’t empower these obsessive feelings you have for this new girl , who by your account never sought the commitment you are desperate for from her .

 

In any case , I hope this provides some food for thought and hope you can overcome this before you let it become a problem for real .

 

Cheers

[Beachead]

Hi all,

 

I'm a 28 year old man living together with two other girls. The second girl moved in 3 months ago. And over that time I've completely fallen for her. Here is my story:

 

From the moment she moved in I felt there was a connection. We shared the same vibe. Over the weeks we spend a lot of time together, listening to music with a bottle of wine, sharing walks, talking about everything and enjoying the silence and the tension there clearly was between us.

 

As time went on we hooked up one night and started having sex. There was another guy she was seeing and he saw us one night kissing, completely losing his ****. I felt in control.

 

She also told me she is not looking for a relationship, she just (1 week before she moved in) ended a very obsessive relationship and she wanted her freedom. She wanted to taste life before she stepped into another relationship. So basically she was honest about her intentions. She liked me, she felt comfortable with me, she even said she would be able to give herself to me, but she wasn't ready to commit.

 

One night I knew she went to a club and slept with the forementioned guy. I told her that it's very hard for me to share her like that, that it doesn't feel comfortable knowing she's intimate with a guy that clearly is falling for her as well. Anyway at this point she told me she could not let him go as a friend, but that friends is all they would remain. No more intimacy, no more sex.

 

We had a brilliant couple of weeks, filled with intimacy, friendship and sparks of love. Up until she brought him home one night. I was furious. I couldn't see how she could be so discrespectful. The next weekend she spent a whole weekend at his place. I'm filled with emotions and clearly not a rational man. So off course I sent her an emotional letter where I said I have feelings and I'm in no rush. But explaining that it's hard to develop something when there is no room to get to know each other without other factors (this guy) glooming over us. I basically said I need to step back, or I would ruin myself. Mind you, I lost my mother last year, and I'm very fragile at this point in time.

 

We talked about the letter and about her wanting her freedom. About the fact that as housemates this situation isn't healthy and about creating distance.

 

Flash forward to today: she's been giving me the cold shoulder for a couple of weeks now. She's been spending tons of time with this guy. She basically dissapeared of the radar. Coming home from time to time, then we talk a bit. She even suggested doing something together, but that's it..

 

I know this is what we discussed, I know this is what I asked for. The point is I somehow feel I can't cope with it. I know when she hasn't stayed home, because her bike isn't here when I leave for work in the morning. I'm living with a girl I should'nt be in love with but still I'm obsessing over her. I know this has to do with more than just her, it has to do with me and how I view myself and my current position in life. I'm looking for myself.

 

The only thing I don't know is how to cope. I feel like I'm thinking about her everyday. Should I move? I feel like moving would be another overreaction, and putting myself in a lot of discomfort. And all because of what, a woman??

 

Any advice would be welcome. But not obligatory, I just wanted to share my story.

 

Sorry you're feeling like this OP.

 

I bolded exactly where you went wrong. She stated not wanting anything serious very early on. Despite this, you allowed yourself to catch feelings and because of your feelings, ignored her wants and then expected the very thing she said she didn't want; exclusivity. So, you caused your own pain at the end of the day and on a technical point, she didn't do anything wrong. Nothing you can do about this.

 

Having said that, I know that doesn't change the fact that you feel like crap. I think it'll be very difficult for you to just will your feelings or pain away when the very source of them is living with you. Everytime you see her, it'll be like ripping out stitches and reopening a wound. It'll never heal. So even though your ego thinks of this as an overreaction and you feel embarrassed that it's because of a girl, it may actually be necessary to move out of that place. That's just what the situation may require and that's okay.

 

If you do choose to do this and she asks questions, don't tell her the real reason. You don't want to her to feel bad or spontaneously decide to jump back into the sack with you for a night just because her emotions have spiked because she will return back to this in a few days. Because of that, just say it's due to work-related reasons or family or something else. Leave on good terms. The distance will help you. New environment. New people. You'll bounce back.

 

And who knows, maybe in the future, you two may reconnect again.

 

Best of luck to you

 

- Beach

Edited July 20, 2018 by Beachead

[Loempia741]

She told me in a message that we're housemates and nothing more. My gut feeling always knew, but I tried to rationalize. She's on a trip with this other guy at the moment. The same trip she asked me to go on. I have no idea why she turned from hot to cold so fast. But I guess part of it has to do with me. But another part of it has to do with him.

 

I clearly was just a bit of filler, a small tryout.

 

I guess I'm done with giving her attention. Internally I'm a mess. But I'm going to close the gate and not let her see any of it. Keep busy, keep occupied and if all else fails probably just move and forgot I ever knew her. I don't need this kind of pain in my life. So she can kiss my ass from now on.

[Ralph79]

have no idea why she turned from hot to cold so fast. But I guess part of it has to do with me. But another part of it has to do with him.

 

Don't be hard on yourself. Believe it or not, it has little to do with you. In fact it has little to do with that other guy. My friend. You are NOT listening to her, to us ... hell , to yourself:

 

She also told me she is not looking for a relationship, she just (1 week before she moved in) ended a very obsessive relationship and she wanted her freedom.

 

she would be able to give herself to me, but she wasn't ready to commit

 

Ok. She laid the groundwork for how things were going to go down. You knew where she had been, and you knew what she was looking for, and more importantly, what she wasn't looking for.

 

I'll help you pinpoint mistakes in my point of view:

 

I told her that it's very hard for me to share her like that

 

A) She wasn't yours to share. You weren't in a relationship. You guys just slept together. You agreed to go that route, knowing full well that the risk of falling for her was there.

 

Anyway at this point she told me she could not let him go as a friend, but that friends is all they would remain. No more intimacy, no more sex.

 

B) I'm going to assume that you became too controlling in her eyes, and she had to lie to you about her plans hoping not to hurt your feelings. At this point , a relationship with you seems to be turning into a problem for her.

 

she brought him home one night. I was furious. I couldn't see how she could be so discrespectful.

 

A) You stated that she was seeing the other guy around the time you started having sex. And that he lost his mind when he saw you guys kissing. But you felt in control... so it was ok , you didn't think that was disrespectful towards the guy ?

 

But when you find out she's getting intimate with him and even worse brings him home, now being loyal matters. Maybe you felt you had a special connection with her that she wasn't going to attain with anyone else, but it's not up to you alone. If she isn't in the right state of mind, there's nothing you can do.

 

I clearly was just a bit of filler, a small tryout.

 

I wouldn't call you filler. I think your heart was in the right place, but from what you are saying, I think she feared that you would turn into her obsessive ex from the relationship you said she just came out of.

 

I guess I'm done with giving her attention. Internally I'm a mess. But I'm going to close the gate and not let her see any of it. Keep busy, keep occupied and if all else fails probably just move and forgot I ever knew her. I don't need this kind of pain in my life. So she can kiss my ass from now on.

 

I'm sorry you feel this way. Yet it is perfectly understandable. I hope this helps realize that you are ready for a committed relationship, which this girl wasn't ready to do.

 

Find someone who wants an exclusive relationship. She didn't post on this forum so I don't owe that woman anything, I'm posting here to state opinions that might help you. I couldn't care less about that woman, but it seems that you really shouldn't hate her.

 

You grew too fond of her, and it's not healthy for you to be around her when it's clear you have incompatible goals.

 

Cheers Bud, hope life brings you a fresh start sooner rather than later.

[Beachead]

She told me in a message that we're housemates and nothing more. My gut feeling always knew, but I tried to rationalize. She's on a trip with this other guy at the moment. The same trip she asked me to go on. I have no idea why she turned from hot to cold so fast. But I guess part of it has to do with me. But another part of it has to do with him.

 

I clearly was just a bit of filler, a small tryout.

 

I guess I'm done with giving her attention. Internally I'm a mess. But I'm going to close the gate and not let her see any of it. Keep busy, keep occupied and if all else fails probably just move and forgot I ever knew her. I don't need this kind of pain in my life. So she can kiss my ass from now on.

 

Good man.

 

But going forward, I'll give you some feedback.

 

It's evident, deep down inside, you want a relationship. So keep that in mind and choose the girls who want what you want and be willing to walk away the second you spot those red flags. This girl was never going to stick around anyway. The red flag with her was when she said she didn't want a relationship and just wanted to be free, after having sex with you. You didn't leave because you wanted a relationship but you tried to have it with a girl who didn't want it and you stayed because you hoped you'd be the one to change her mind.

 

- Beach

Edited July 25, 2018 by Beachead

[Loempia741]

First of all I really, like really appreciate the fact you two are taking the time and effort to write meaningful advice. It really reinforces the perspective I already had and gives me new insights.

 

For me it's the first time since long I made an emotional investment into someone. It's true that I wanted it so bad that I ignored the warning signs. At this moment I'm not mad at her, I'm mad at myself. For letting myself rationalize my illusions whilst my gut feeling knew she turned cold. Talking with her will feel awkward, because we both now how the power is divided at this moment.

 

When I say she can kiss my ass, I mean it in a way that I will make conscious effort of not making her the centre of my thoughts anymore. I was driving home today and I figured out that the cliche of finding happiness within yourself before finding it elsewhere has never felt to so true.

 

Yes I made mistakes, and so did she. Yes my love, altough longing is a better word, has been rejected. And yes in my current state of mind it hurts pretty damn deep sometimes.

 

She can be pretty damn cold and I'm sure that once she's back from her trip she'll act normal. Because there is no investment on her part. I'll just have to deal with it and do my own thing whilst dancing around the fact that I live with this girl. I'm pretty confident I can and if I can't then I'm moving. So there are always options.

 

The illusion that we will be more than friends is something I'm not entertaining anymore. The knowledge that I clearly got some closet to clean out is confronting but also very liberating. I feel like I'm starting a tiresome journey with only curiousity about the destination to keep me going. I guess she's just a small bump in the road that signals me to mind my step. But I also feel that I shouldn't keep my eyes fixed on the road and look at the scenery that passes me.

 

Anyway, thanks for your time and kind words. They gave me clarity and shared sense of humanity. Or am I going too fast to deep again

[Beachead]

First of all I really, like really appreciate the fact you two are taking the time and effort to write meaningful advice. It really reinforces the perspective I already had and gives me new insights.

 

For me it's the first time since long I made an emotional investment into someone. It's true that I wanted it so bad that I ignored the warning signs. At this moment I'm not mad at her, I'm mad at myself. For letting myself rationalize my illusions whilst my gut feeling knew she turned cold. Talking with her will feel awkward, because we both now how the power is divided at this moment.

 

When I say she can kiss my ass, I mean it in a way that I will make conscious effort of not making her the centre of my thoughts anymore. I was driving home today and I figured out that the cliche of finding happiness within yourself before finding it elsewhere has never felt to so true.

 

Yes I made mistakes, and so did she. Yes my love, altough longing is a better word, has been rejected. And yes in my current state of mind it hurts pretty damn deep sometimes.

 

She can be pretty damn cold and I'm sure that once she's back from her trip she'll act normal. Because there is no investment on her part. I'll just have to deal with it and do my own thing whilst dancing around the fact that I live with this girl. I'm pretty confident I can and if I can't then I'm moving. So there are always options.

 

The illusion that we will be more than friends is something I'm not entertaining anymore. The knowledge that I clearly got some closet to clean out is confronting but also very liberating. I feel like I'm starting a tiresome journey with only curiousity about the destination to keep me going. I guess she's just a small bump in the road that signals me to mind my step. But I also feel that I shouldn't keep my eyes fixed on the road and look at the scenery that passes me.

 

Anyway, thanks for your time and kind words. They gave me clarity and shared sense of humanity. Or am I going too fast to deep again

 

No worries OP. I'm glad I was able to shed some light and help.

 

I think we've all been there friend. I know I have atleast.

 

I chose to date a girl who was still in a complicated "Taking a break" stage with her then ex-boyfriend at the time. Her status on FB said single and she was flirting and open and trying to fit herself into my life.

 

We kissed one night and then she broke up with him the night after that. But things weren't clean. She wasn't over him and he'd try to win her back. We'd spend have nights together and when she'd come back home, he'd be waiting there for her and they get into arguments. They'd also have heated phone calls. My brain knew the truth but my heart didn't want to accept it. Part of me knew they were sorting their problems out and she was using me as a way to wake him up. Show him what life was like without her. But then we'd cuddle and get intimate. She'd show up to my place and surprise me with a gift. Eventually she told me she loved me. Wanted me to meet her family. She made the plans for it. She pushed the pace. But me wanting to be with her, I chose to believe in the good instead of the bad. But because she loved him and had used me to bury her pain, I eventually lost my use and benefit and all her emotions and guilt crept back in. Made her more and more distant until she'd just walk away from serious discussions. Forced me to end it. As quickly as she came, she left my life. She ended up marrying the guy inside of a year.

 

I had been through hell and back before meeting her so it hit me hard to say the least. Took awhile to recover and return to a place where I could focus on my life again but I still think about her sometimes.

 

I could have avoided this whole thing had I stayed away from her and kept distance but, I wanted to see what we could be. Didn't want to pass on an opportunity that fell into my lap. I had done that in the past during particular instances and I did regret it so I went for it. I can blame myself as much as I want to but at the time, it was what I wanted to do and I thought she was worth it. I own up to my mistakes and take responsibility. Although I suffered tremendously afterwards, i made sure it wasn't in vain..I learn a lot of things about myself from it.

 

That's dating and relationships for you.

 

- Beach

Edited July 27, 2018 by Beachead

[LordVader]

This is why I can't live with a pretty girl roommate. If she's nice at all, I'd get "attached" just being around her.