Trouble with my new role as a Parent.

[Ralph79]

Mr. Lucjy , BaileyB:

 

Thank you for your replies and taking thr time to read my posts . I accept comments as they come . Weather or not they are what I want to hear is irrelevant because its constructive croticism . I didnt post here to get pats on the back for trying to help my family out.

 

Claryfing ny situation :

 

A) The pregnancy test that came out positive turned out to be a false alarm . The baby never developed beyond the first weeks . So I only have my stepson and my 8 month old daughter .

 

B) in regards to the “part-bully” comment , I knew this comment was going to raise a few eyebrows but I didnt want to sugar coat it . For one part I do think context is imprtant . I do try and explain time and time again to my stepson why he shouldnt do certain things , but although he nods and tells me that he understands , he completely ignores my advice and proceeds to make a fool of himself . Let me give you 2 additional examples of what Im talking about .

 

1. The neighborhood kid he admires one time wore his pants inside out because he was being silly , and the attitude of the kids where I live is more innocent and playful . The kids at the school his dad enrolled him in are really mean spirited . So I caught my stepson wearing his pants inside out the following day to school . I told him that school was not the place to act silly , especially with uniforms , and I told him that what his friend did was funny at the time , but only in that moment . He took them off and set them straight .

 

Well when I picked him up from shool he was sobbing because he ignored my advise , he put his pants on all wrong again , and not only was he scolded by the teacher for not taking school seriously, his friends started teasing and bullying for not knowing how to even put on pants . That Mommy had to dress him because he was too stupid to do it on his own . I just sighed when he told me how his schoolmates started making fun of him. Ive been a victim of bullying as a kid , and I know all it takes is for 1 or 2 kids to get the rest of the class riled up against you if you give them an opening . I tried reasoning with him on why he shouldnt do things , but he thinks he knows better at 9 years old .

 

2. I dont know where he got the idea that going to school with glitter on your hair was “cool”. His mom got angry with him because he had to shower again . I told him that there was nothing wrong with pouring glitter on your hair as long as the situation called for it (A party , halloween , an event , etc ) , a regular school day did not call for glitter on your head . I told him “besides dude, it makes you look wierd” . He laughed and said “Yeah I know thats the point”. I Went and picked him up at school and he was covered in glitter . He was quiet but on the drive home he started sobbing again . I asked him what was wrong . He said that the kid he hangs out with the most said “OMG What a Wierd-O” and his best friend began the chant “Wierd-o!! Wierd-o!!” , until they made him cry .

 

I dont know why kids do this , but the fact that they do is a reality . His mom went to talk to his teacher and the teacher made my stepson stand up in class the next day and asked the rest of his schoolmates to please stop making fun of him . Needless to say it made matters worse .

 

Im learning how to be a parent . I never had this responsability prior to meeting my wife , so i know Im no expert on how to parent a 9 year old . I talk to his dad often for advice and feedback at times when he isnt being difficult. To be honest my Dad was always more focused on work and providing for us than being physically there for us . I would have to say that my older brother was a father figure from a guidance standpoint . He wasnt an authority but he learned what buttons to push to make me listen to him , and being a “Bully-Filter” was one of them . I would do things at school that would earn me ridicule for months . If I only had listened to my brother I would have spared myself a lot of humiliation . My brother did bully me as a kid but just around the house and just on things that I knew he was simply protecting me against doing . At the time I was furious with him , but years later I thanked him . He never crossed the line , and I wont either with my stepson .

 

As a rule I never make fun of him in front of his friends and I try to help him , I try to talk to him and reason with him , but Im not seen as an authority . I get the feeling that he sees me more like a big brother . And so far the only method that has proven effective for him to not do something foolish when it’s not called for is by teasing him , making fun of what he’s trying to do , etc . In short bullying . Yes , kids have to have a creative outlet , I know we have to let them be , and that we can’t prevent all of life’s mishaps by trying to make them avoid all mistakes , but I try to at least help him avoid mass long term ridicule at school . I know it’s easy to draw conclussions from a few posts , because I try to do that when I reply , but I want to be clear that I don’t spend 100% teasing or bullying the kid . I will nag him about things once or twice a month tops . Like I said prior it’s a balancing act .

 

Regarding my Wife , they all started going to therapy . Ive been told that its not time for me to join the sessions yet .

 

And for the record I dont think that what my wife does is acceptable or justifiable . I try to explain where her attitude and reactions come from . As most posters have said , its a difficult situation . So far I convinced my wife to go to therapy with her son and his Dad , who by the way was open to the idea in the end . And while I do appreciate the advice I do want to want to ask posters if they would be willing to put their marriage on the line for the sake of a stepson who most of the time doesn’t even want you in the picture .

 

I know that if I don’t help her address this issue now, it will inevitably come back to haunt me with my daughter. For whatever reason my wife becomes a different person when my stepson stays with us . It’s like Jekyll & Hyde . It boggles the mind at times to see her mood change completely in a matter of seconds when he does something wrong . When he’s not around , there is peace and stability in the house . Her frustrations with him were starting to affect her interactions with our Daughter . Which is why she ultimately agreed to go to therapy when I made her aware of it .

 

Once again, thank you for taking the time to post . Your advise and comments are greatly appreciated .

[darkmoon]

I think she regrets ever meeting the ex (I mean, they did split) and by extention, the son was also a mistake in her eyes, but he is here now

 

 

 

always have dinners together, make them places of debate, polite ones, never too soon to learn that

 

 

 

I am on the side of the 9 year old, he needs to be heard, and maybe to learn that life is about compromise, a wise young man in the making, or am I being overly soppy?

[Ralph79]

Darkmoon

 

Thanks for your input . I can understand why would side with my stepson . Kids are in the end a reflection of how their parents deal with life . I understand this and try to talk to him and explain things . He is getting to an age where he understands the consequences of his actions and he willingly keeps making bad choices at times .

 

I do appreciate that he likes being with his sister and I encourage him to interact with him more . I tell him that I want whats best for her , that I love him as a step father , and that it is in my best interest to get him the best education , skills and lessons in life so that he can be there for my daughter . Of course I speak to him in terms a kid and understand me and gets it more easily. I tell him repeadetly that I dont want her picking up bad habits like lying or throwing tantrums . He said that he will try his best to avoid it , but that lasts like half a day and firgets about it . As I would expect from a 9 year old I suppose .

 

I overheard him a few days ago him telling his friends that he still expects his Mom and Dad to grt back together . Although they have both told him thats not ging to happen , because they end up screaming at each other , he keeps saying that he wants to have a Mom and Dad like his friends do .

 

Its not my place to approach him about this , but I did ask him recently , what would happen to his sister if his Mom and Dad ever get back together ? He said she would go live with them and that I could find someone else to have another daughter with for myself .

 

FYI darmoon , I do everything together with him involved when hes around . Dinners , Movies , the Park . We go out as a family . And for all purposes I consider him my son , except when he literally tells me and everyone that asks that I am “just the step dad”.

[BaileyB]

Ralph79, I think it’s quite normal for children who’s parents are divorced to hope that their parents will get back together. I know my boyfriend’s son thought the same, when his parents separated and divorced.

 

No, it’s not your place to address this with him. You are his stepfather, which means that your role in parenting this child is limited. As well intended as you are, you are not his parent and you must remember this. It’s easy to step over that line, I know this from experience. But, it’s important to have appropriate boundaries and respect the role of his father.

 

One thing is very apparent in your posts, you are very well intended and you present a very thoughtful, considerate, and well balanced point of view. You don’t appear to be overly reactive and I admire your ability to be firm as it relates to your daughter, and the fact that you want to protect your daughter in this challenging situation.

 

You asked, would I be willing to put my marriage on the line for a stepson... it’s a difficult question to answer because I don’t know the people involved and I don’t have “the whole picture.” I will say, I think I would do exactly as you are doing... I would try to love and guide the child as best I could, respecting that I am not his father and thus, not ultimately responsible to discipline or make decisions for this child. I would be firm with my wife that this type of behavior is not acceptable in my home - no yelling, name calling, belittling, hitting, slapping, or pinching. That is a firm rule - treat others as you want to be treated yourself! I would require her to go to family therapy - as you have done...

 

BUt - if she does not attend therapy and/or continues with this abusive behavior... I would not raise my daughter in this home. I could not be complicate in child abuse. I just don’t think that I could do it.

 

If this is your wife’s true character - if she truly believes that it is acceptable to take her anger out on her own child in a way that is emotionally and physically abusive to the child - that is a HUGE character flaw, in my humble opinion. And, it is likely only a matter of time before she does the same to your daughter. The only reason why it has not happened so far is because your child is a young child, still easily managed and not challenging in the same way that an older child would be... imagine how she will respond to your daughter when she is a teen - full of attitude, testing the limits, and very much thinking that she “knows it all” - as many teens do. Be watchful - the red flags are all there...

Edited August 19, 2018 by BaileyB