Should I Be Worried? Or Not?

[Kengne]

Here's the background info:

 

My and my bf R, have been going out for approx. 3 1/2 mths. We've known each other for 5 mths.

 

When we first started dating I was aware that he was still friends with some of his ex-gfs, and vice versa. Esp the most recent ex, whom we shall call N.

 

Now I've never felt jealous of his friendships with his exes, or with his ex-gf N namely because: 1) I'm still friends w some of my exes 2) the relationship w N ended because he realized he loved her but wasn't 'in love' with her, the way she was in love with him and 3) he was no longer physically attracted to her, but tried to stick it out because he felt she was a good person and he wanted to try to work things out.

 

So, as he claims, they ended on amicable terms several months ago and have remained pretty friendly since. He's always very upfront about when they hang out, when they talk etc... I've known abt their friendship from Day 1, and never felt any wayz.

 

UNTIL NOW.

 

So the long weekend is coming up.... and R mentions to me that N is going away to Montreal with her sister. Mths ago R mentioned to me that if N went up to Montreal, he'd go with her (free trip for him - she rents the car, and they get to stay at her parents' house). He was supposed to go away with her previously BEFORE we were official, but for some reason that bombed (cant remember why).

 

So then he tells me that he's going with her this weekend... to Montreal!!!! NOW my FIRST reaction was.. "Ok.". My 2nd reaction was "Why?"

 

His argument is that ... it's a free trip... he's been wanting to get away from time, but couldn't afford to (he just finished paying off his debt)... and of course, they're friends. He doesn't see why this should bother me as it's no big deal - CUZ THEY'RE FRIENDS.

 

Now what bothers me is not so much that he might cheat ... as he could, and maybe doing so at anytime! Afterall, they still talk... but the fact that she might still be in love with him and might use the trip to MTL to get closer. What makes it worse is that she has NOT ever asked him once if he is with someone and he hasn't volunteered the info!

 

But to his credit - I never once volunteered the same info to my recent ex-bf whom I still talk to (as I didn't think it was his business)... and the only way he found out abt R was after he repeatedly asked me over and over if I was seeing someone.. and finally I got tired of ignoring his question and said yes. But if he had never asked, I would never have offered the information. And as well - I've never asked him once if he is seeing someone else because I really don't care to know. So I can't be overly concerned that she doesn't know about me - AT THIS PT. Maybe a year down the road I'll feel different, but right now - no.

 

SO after he tells me about the trip to MTL ... I tell him how I feel (that it's unnecessary, but that I can't stop him and I thank him for being honest with me). After all... he could've just told me he was going away to Montreal with his friends, I wouldve been none the wiser.

 

So my question to you good folks is: should I be worried? Am I underreacting? At this point I'm pretty settled to the idea of the trip. I figure that by not acting jealous/crazy and trusting him.. this is the best way to go.

 

OOPS one last thing I forgot to mention: when I tried to reverse the situation and ask how he'd feel if I travelled with MY ex-bf... he says its different bcuz of how our rel'ship ended ( I was in love w him but he cheated )... and I know he still thinks I have unresolved feelings for my ex, esp after I started talking back to him after a month of no-contact. IMO, I don't think R has unresolved feelings for N but still... should I be worried abt this trip? Or just continue to trust in him, and our rel'ship?

 

Any advice greatly appreciated, as he is leaving today!!!

 

K.

[elijahBailey]

can you convince him not to go? If he cares enough about your feelings and know that you feel uncomfortable about this particular arrangement, he should reconsider.

 

If not, and if you still want to continue this relationship, then

1. there's nothing much you can do about him going

2. you can't do anything but to trust him

[Kengne]

can you convince him not to go? If he cares enough about your feelings and know that you feel uncomfortable about this particular arrangement, he should reconsider.

 

If not, and if you still want to continue this relationship, then

1. there's nothing much you can do about him going

2. you can't do anything but to trust him

 

 

Hi Elijah!

 

The thing is I am not big on ultimatums. I don't feel I should HAVE to ask him or convince him not to go. I certainly do not want to come off as the needy/insecure/jealous gf either. Plus ... when I think about it calmly it isn't thaat big of a deal to me. I won't lie - I'm NOT happy or jumping for joy about him going with HER ... but I understand that they are friends as well as exes *UGH*. It doesn't bother me to the point where I feel the urge to tell him DO or DIE... but my laissez-faire attitude makes me wonder am I letting this slide too easy? Should I be making a bigger fuss? Am I stupid to trust and believe in him?

 

After coming out a rel'ship that ended in cheating... my mentality is that ppl are going to cheat when they want to, when they want to. He could hook up with her at anytime - they don't have to go away to MTL to do that

 

What do y'all think?

 

K.

[elijahBailey]

... my mentality is that ppl are going to cheat when they want to, when they want to.

 

EXACTLY!!

 

Also, if it doesn't bug you to the point that you're going to be smashing things around your house, then, yeah, I think you should let this one slide. Relationships are all about trust. And you can't build trust by telling him not to go. Getting into a relationship is actually risky business but we all learn from it. good luck.

[tanbark813]

I think you have a good attitude about the situation and are handling it well. I won't say you should be worried but I know I would be concerned if I were in your shoes. I also think it's lame of him to say it's different when it's a trip with his ex versus you going on one with yours.

 

Why is he going to Montreal with her? Is it just to go with her or does he have family/friends there?

 

Personally, I can't imagine being with a new girl and wanting to take a trip with an ex. That just seems weird. Why travel with someone you broke up with when you can hang out with a new girl and get your bone on all weekend?

[Kengne]

I think you have a good attitude about the situation and are handling it well. I won't say you should be worried but I know I would be concerned if I were in your shoes. I also think it's lame of him to say it's different when it's a trip with his ex versus you going on one with yours.

 

Why is he going to Montreal with her? Is it just to go with her or does he have family/friends there?

 

Personally, I can't imagine being with a new girl and wanting to take a trip with an ex. That just seems weird. Why travel with someone you broke up with when you can hang out with a new girl and get your bone on all weekend?

 

No he doesn't have friends/family there. Pretty much he's going because it's a free trip, and the last time they went he never really got to explore the city. That is what he CLAIMS.

 

IMO, I couldn't imagine going away with my most recent ex bf either... UGH.. but that's bcuz 1) of the way things ended 2) we're just not as tight anymore and 3) I know he's still in love with me, and wouldnt want to mislead him into thinking more could happen. But I could certainly do so with my 1st ex-bf, S, bcuz we are just chill like that. It's been years since S & I broke up and we are strictly friends, so to some degree I DO see his point of view i.e. they're just friends.

 

At the same time... as some of my friends warned me.. I don't want to set a precendent for him by letting him think I am honky dory with it all.. I am NOT... but I also don't want to put up a fuss just for the sake of puttng up a fuss. If it was ANYBODY ELSE BUT HER... a male friend... even a female friend.. I would not have even batted an eye.

 

It only bothers me that it's HER and WHY does have to go (cuz he wants the free trip)...with HER (because she offered the free trip).

 

UGH.

 

K.

[crazy_grl]

IMO, I couldn't imagine going away with my most recent ex bf either... UGH.. but that's bcuz 1) of the way things ended 2) we're just not as tight anymore and 3) I know he's still in love with me, and wouldnt want to mislead him into thinking more could happen.

 

Your bf should be thinking about this kind of thing too. He broke up with her because she was more in love with him than he was with her. It stands to reason that she might still have feelings for him. I think it's incredibly misleading of him to go with her and not tell her he's with someone else. If he hasn't been clear that it's not, she may see this trip as their chance at reconciliation.

 

I see the reason they broke up to be more of a reason why he shouldn't go. With you and your ex, you have an actual barrier created by the pain of his cheating. Your bf and his ex don't have that. And with all the warm fuzzies created by their alone time and the encouragement her family is probably going to give them, something could just get rekindled.

 

I get the feeling that you wouldn't be at all welcome to come along. IMO, if it's not a trip that you would be allowed to go on with him (even if slightly begrudgingly), it's not a trip he should be taking.

 

Anyway, I'm not big on ultimatums either, and it's great that you're not letting it get to you. About the only thing you can do is let him know that you trust him, but that you're uncomfortable with him taking the trip.

[RainyDayWoman]

i think you have a good attitude--or you're incredibly naive.

 

it would be nice if all exes could be friends and take vacations together when involved in other relationships, but rarely, IF ever, is that the case.

 

i would not stay with someone pulling this bullshyt. i don't care how free the trip is, or how badly he wants to go away. this is not normal, and yes, i think you should be worried.

 

however, if this is okay with you, then it should be okay with him. if he is definitely going to go with her, then you can go anywhere with anyone you want at anytime during your relationship, and he can't complain. you've got friends too, right?

 

but keep in mind, that kind of arrangement doesn't last.

[Kengne]

Your bf should be thinking about this kind of thing too. He broke up with her because she was more in love with him than he was with her. It stands to reason that she might still have feelings for him. I think it's incredibly misleading of him to go with her and not tell her he's with someone else. If he hasn't been clear that it's not, she may see this trip as their chance at reconciliation.

 

Anyway, I'm not big on ultimatums either, and it's great that you're not letting it get to you. About the only thing you can do is let him know that you trust him, but that you're uncomfortable with him taking the trip.

 

I'm glad you mentioned this, because can you believe... he believes she doesn't have feelings for him anymore! As to why he's never mentioned me to her - he feels it would be akward, to say "Oh btw... I have a gf now you know." His mentality is that since she hasn't ASKED... she doesn't want to KNOW.

 

Funnily enough... I'm going by to see him tonite before he leaves. I have to go at 8 PM to do something.. which also happens to be around the time when she'll be coming to pick him up!!!

 

A part of me wants to force the issue and say "INTRODUCE ME TO HER!!" But how can I expect that after she doesnt even know I exist? And do I REALLY want to meet her? UGH.

 

I called and left a VM saying I wanted to talk to him. I'm thinking of letting him know that I am uncomfortable with the situation, and want him to at least tell her about me. I'd be VERY curious to know if she would still want to take this trip with him, KNOWING he was with someone else.

 

K.

[Beachgrl486]

I am sorry but I just do not think it is normal for your boyfriend to go out of town with his ex-girlfriend. I would definetly be concerned. whether or not anything happens is beyond the point. Why would he do that and think it is normal and he should know it is going to bother you. I think you are taking a little to lightly.

[Iluvsiamese]

I agree that he is being callous wrt both you and his ex. This is not the way to conduct a relationship that you are serious about being successful with.

 

It is possible that his ex doesn't still have feelings for him, but that is not necessarily true. He needs to be upfront with her about his relationship with you (though this might not be a deterrant if she wanted to make a move on him.) The fact that he hasn't been is a bit of a red flag for me. I would say let him go on the trip and don't fuss too much. His reasons might be legit and you don't want to come off as a controlling, demanding sort. However, I would make it clear that you have no problems with it if he lets her know that he is now in another relationship and that you expect the same consideration from him. People often ignore the fact that it's a two way street because they need to. Somehow, it gives them permission to do what they want to.

 

It is early in the relationship to be too serious, however, people are generally on their best behaviour at this point. I hope that this is not indicative of what his normal behaviour might be like.

 

Let us know what transpires. Sounds like it should be interesting.

[Tiggerlove]

I think he's poking her and this is a great opportunity for him to get lots of poking done! I'm sorry, but I can't see why your boyfriend wants to take a trip with his ex-gf...the free trip shouldn't even matter. He should tell her that he can't..that he's found someone new and it wouldn't be right. I think at this point into the relationship, it might be time to let the ex's know your relationship status. I personally don't think he should be hanging out with her without you whats so ever. It isn't fair..and it isn't a nice start to a new relationship.

[RainyDayWoman]

i think it's safe to assume he wants something with this girl, even if it's just to screw her on vacation.

 

he hasn't even told her you exist yet...he's not going to tell her on vacation when she's getting him into bed.

 

plus, he has no reason to worry, because you don't have a problem with him, so he knows he's home free. he won't come home to a billion questions from you, so he can go and do what he wants without worrying about what you think.

 

so he can go with her, do what he wants with her, and then come home to no problems with you.

 

i don't think there's any right way to do this, because i don't think exes who are in current relationships should go away with their exes, but if he respects you in any way, he would have told this girl that he has a girlfriend and that their trip is strictly friendship and make that clear before he decided to go.

 

actually, if he respected you AND your relationship in any way, he wouldn't even consider going in the first place.

[francis]

i agree agree agree, i understand you are in a VERY impossible situation because you are into this guy but going away with his ex is not reasonable behaviour if he respects your feelings in any way...

 

But he's going, there's nothing you can do but evaluate how much he means to you, how much you're willing to put up with this, and how this bodes for any future you two may have...

 

He's not being fair, plain and simple, its unnacceptable to me and would drive me nuts, he is being thoughtless and insenstive.

 

My advice would be to realise there are plenty of guys out there that wouldnt put you in this situation...demand respect and consideration, why should you settle for anything less?

[Kengne]

Well I hate it when ppl don't post update replies, so I tht I should.

 

I ended off with the Friday night he was supposed to leave.

 

I brought up to him that I felt uncomfortable with him going away with her, WITHOUT her knowing about me. Of course, his immediate reaction was he didn't understand why I felt so strongly about it given that 1) he's 110% certain she does NOT have feeligns for him 2) she already indicated to him she did NOT want to know if he was involved, and he agreed on this pt BEFORE he met me and 3) it had never come up in conversation and he felt it would be strange to bring it up now out of the blue.

 

BUT... with that being said... he then went on to say... given that this really bothered me... he didn't understand per se, but he sympathized ... and he wants me to feel better and not have any tension between us... he said sure, no problem he'd tell her about me before the trip. At that point case closed right? I got what I wanted right?

 

Nooooooooooooooooooo lol. Because even though I knew he was doing it FOR ME, I wanted him to be doing it ALSO because he knew it was the RIGHT thing to do. I wanted him to be doing it not for me, but because he knew it was RIGHT. Basically, I wanted validation and confirmation that I was in the right and he was in the wrong (by not telling her, not by going away w her). Mind you, I never had a problem with her NOT knowing abt me until the trip.

 

So after he says, Ok fine I'll tell her... I asked him if he felt resentful, to which he replied no he felt fine. Again he said he still didn't see the big deal, but he'd do this if it would make me feel better.. bcuz he doesn't want to go away thinking I'm upset with him.

 

But me wanting to be RIGHT at all costs, I could NOT just let it lay. So then I launched back into how he doesn't he think he SHOULD tell her? And again he said no, he DIDN't agree with me because of yada yada etc.. her not wanting to know/not asking... that if she'd asked, he'd tell... but that he was going to tell her ANYWAYS to compromise with me.. but that didn't change his mind about how he felt abt the situation.. at this point I lost it, flipped out and told him flat out to do whatever he wanted, to ignore how I felt and to do just do what he felt HE should do. At that point he said oh it's never that simple with me.. if he does that I'll be mad, he won't be happy that I'm unhappy yada yada.. but I said NO, just do what you want to do.

 

He then said Ok.. fine.. I'll tell her in my own time.

 

I said Ok ... fine... then I don't wanna see you today before you leave.

 

SO THERE starts another argument. He proceeds to say how he has no problem telling her, but then I turn around and say DON'T tell her - do what you feel is right - and then when he does what he feels is right, now I won't see him? He said it wasnt that big of a deal, and said he really wanted to see me before he left and forget alll the nonsense, he was going to tell her - so could he see me?

 

But of course, being a female... I said no. At this point he said it was a lose lose situation. If he tells her - I'm still mad bcuz he doesn't agree with me in the view that I'm right and he's wrong - and I refuse to see him. If he DOESN't tell her - I'm still mad! - and I still refuse to see him. Yes, at this point I did realize I was being ridiculous but I was hurt that he didn't agree with my point of view, even tho he DID see it and DID say he was going to tell her - that just wasnt enuff. I wanted to be 110% right!

 

SO to the end, he asked one last time.. if he told her, would I see him? I said no. He said Ok, he's not gonna argue with me.. and we ended the conversation. He said he'd call me when he got back.

 

So fast forward the whole weekend... I spoke to a few friends about it, and astonishingly the opinions were DIVIDED! Half of my friends tht the same way as the ppl here on loveshack.org... that going away w the Ex, esp who DIDNT know abt me.. was bad... but the OTHER half tht that it was no big deal.. they're just friends now, big deal!... he didn't have to tell me abt the trip... and the fact that she doesn't know abt me is no different than my ex initally not knowing abt R i.e. if she didn't ASK, and said she didnt want to KNOW.. then logically he is not in the wrong for not telling her *even tho I felt it coudl be argued that MORALLY, he should have*.. in addition these same friends then went on to argue that even when he DID try to rectify the situation i.e. by agreeing to tell her... that I wanted the moon, the sky AND the earth.. that it should have been enough that he agreed to tell her, and that it was unfair of me to expect or DEMAND that he see things from my point of view..or furthermore, punish him indirectly by refusing to see him afterwards...

 

I realize now that sometimes when I feel strongly about a topic... I not only want you to do what I feel is right, but I also you want you to AGREE that what I feel is right, and to FEEL the righteousness! lol

 

Fast forward... so he gets back now...I'm calm, he's calm. OF course, we talk about what happened on Friday and we agreed that we're not always going to agree on things but we can't punish each other for not agreeing... and that we have to accept that compromise comes at a price.. that is the person who compromises or tries to compromise is not necessarily or always admitting that what they wanted to do was WRONG...

 

At this point he mentioned to me that when I told him a few weeks ago that I was going to be visiting my guy friend J who lives in the States for a week ... he said he felt uncomfortable abt it... and argued that it was a long distance, I was staying in the guys HOUSE etc.... but in the end he essentially felt that even tho he was uncomfortable it wasn't to the point where he couldnt sleep at night and plus he figured that even if he did say somethign to me, what difference would it have made? I would love to sit her and say if he'd told me, I woukldnt have gone on the trip but I can't. J is a good friend of mine... and if R had said something I would have explained our friendship to him... tried to reassure him as much as possible that he is JUST A FRIEND...but wouldve still have gone because IN MY MIND.. there is NOTHING WRONG with the trip.. so that in a sense allowed me to understand his P.O.V... because he feels equally justified that he is JUST FRIENDS with the ex.

 

To close off this LONG ass post.. if you're wondering did he tell her? Well I won't come with the story book ending cuz that's not how it went down. He told me straight up... when he left, he already decided he was going to tell her. Of course, I didn't belive him. But he said no, he didn't tell her - bcuz she beat him to it.

 

How? When they were down there, they ran into someone - the NEW GUY THAT SHE'S SEEING!! I'm sure it must've been awkward for all parties involved, but he said no, he didn't feel weird about it at all cuz they're just friends. And of course, he was quick to tell me I TOLD YOU SO.

 

So they get back into town on Monday, and just last night he tells me that he finally told her. I asked how, and he said that she brought it up.. asked if he would tell her if he was seeing someone? He said didn't you say you didn't want to know? At which point she said, well, yeah but would you tell me anyways? SO he just came out then and told her, well YES I am seeing someone.

 

So everything's in the open! I'm fine, he's fine and we both agreed that at times we WILL disagree and that's fine... but to be sensitive to each other's opinions... and if we DO compromise on something that doesn't mean that we HAVE to see things the other person's way.

 

That's it folks! Thanks for all the input.

 

K.

[Kitteney]

great... now that it's all out in the open, why don't you guys double date.

[Kengne]

great... now that it's all out in the open, why don't you guys double date.

 

Hey! I don't know if your comment was meant to be sarcastic or not... I don't want to assume anything... but FYI the guy she's seeing lives in Montreal so that's not a possibility. PLUS I don't exactly relish the idea of spending time with my bf's ex - she's his friend, not mine.

 

K.

[Kitteney]

Yup, you would be correct about the sarcasm. Sorry I didn't insert the appropriate smiley (no sarcasm intended with that comment)

 

Ya gotta admit, it is/was a pretty weird situation. A guy wants to freeload a vacation with his ex gf while leaving his current gf at home. I can understand your desire to make sure she knew you existed, but with him being so reluctant from the getgo, I would have to wonder if he really did tell her. Maybe that's an indication of my own insecurities, but I am a skeptic--not to be confused with cynic--and I would have rathered meeting her than to let him do it on his own. Especially since he was so reluctant and argumentative about it.

 

Refresh my memory, you have a trip in the works to visit a guy friend in the States, yes? Does he know that you have a boyfriend that you will be leaving at home?

[Kengne]

Hi Kitteney!

 

Thanks for the clarification re: the sarcasm.

 

In any case - I don't recall anything in my post saying he was argumentative or reluctant over telling her about me. He just didn't think it was necessary right then, & right there - and I did. I know my post was long and rambling, but the actual conversation we had about him telling her lasted all of 5 minutes after which he agreed to tell her, even tho he still did not agree that it was necessary bcuz in his POV - she didn't ASK and she'd said in the past she DIDN'T want to know. The rest of our conversation after that centred on me trying to prove to him WHY I felt it was necessary, even though by that time he'd already agreed to tell her!!and didn't understand why I was still forcing the issue AND refusing to see him at the same time.

 

Honestly... I can't punish him because he didn't agree with me on something I felt uncomfortable with. After thinking about this long and hard, I've accepted that he's entitled to his own opinion, as am I. We are NOT always going to see eye to eye on things.

 

Case in point - I'm an actress, and recently joined a play which involves my character kissing another male character several times, in several scenes. R is aware of this but has indicated to me that he is uncomfortable with this and would ONLY feel comfortable if I did NOT take on the role. Truly, I really don't see why he's uncomfortable with it at all because 1) in my heart it's JUST acting and 2) my ex-bf NEVER had a problem with this, so why does he??!!- but hey! he doesn't see it that way. It's a big deal to him but it boggles my mind !!! Because I really don't see what the big deal is, and I think his discomfort stems from insecurity.

 

Thus, we disagree on the kissing. No amount of talking about it has made him feel comfortable, and there really is no compromise as this is something I AM GOING TO DO! and he knows it. Does that make me a bad person? Am I being insensitive and callous to him by taking on the role? Should we have discussed this before I took on the role? *and NO we did not discuss it, I took on the role and informed him afterwards* . Helll no... I don't think so at all!! But there's ALWAYS 2 sides to every story and I am 150% sure there are people on here that would argue JUST the opposite i.e. if I really cared about him, I wouldn't do the role and/or that he has a right to feel the way he does *which he does! but I don't agree with it*.I'm sure of this, because I know other actors whose relationships have suffered as a result of the non-actor partner being uncomfortable with the kissing and so forth - ultimatums were issued - and relationships ended.

 

But just because we disagree on the kissing, I certainly wouldn't expect him to turn around and punish me by refusing to come to my show.

 

Next point - as to do I believe him when he says he told her? Yes. Because at the end of the day - I trust him. It's that simple. He could've easily lied and told me a good story about how he told her over the weekend - wouldn't that have been the perfect ending? - but he didn't. He told AFTER they returned. I, personally, felt she should've known BEFORE they even went! - and therein lies the crux of the situation. That was the main point we disagreed on.

 

As far as me meeting her - IMO that's grossly unnecessary and smacks of jealousy/insecurity. *shivers* There would be absolutely no need for that, unless I didn't trust or believe him when he said he told her. But I do - until such time as he proves himself untrustworthy. Plus - I would not want to give him the idea that this would in turn mean he was entitled to meet any of my ex-es.

 

Now... I value the advice and commentaries I received here, but I did also receive advice & commentaries from my real-world friends... who know me and the situation w R more intimately... and who were able to give me a different view of the situation... which is all good!

 

Personally - I understand your skepticism, because I'm a skeptic too. But as far as this situation is concerned, to me it's case closed.I can't sit here and wonder 'Did he really tell her?" or "Did anything happen on the trip to Montreal?":( I'd go co-co!! I'm trying to build a relationship based on communication, honesty and trust. Second-guessing and disbelieving everything he tells me would defeat that purpose, no?

 

Last... I've been hurt in the past ... and it really damaged my ability to trust people for a loooong time. I'm slowly building that back up and my mentality now... as far as cheating and all that ... what's going to happen, is gonna happen. People cheat, period. I can't swear for anyone, and nothing surprises me anymore. But at the end of the day - you have to take a chance and trust, right? That's what life is all about - taking a chance! So wish me luck!

 

K.

 

OOOPS!! >>>> As far as my friend J who lives in the US -> YES, he knows about my bf. He's like my best friend - of course I'd tell him!

[Kitteney]

Your words: So after he says, Ok fine I'll tell her... I asked him if he felt resentful, to which he replied no he felt fine. Again he said he still didn't see the big deal, but he'd do this if it would make me feel better.. bcuz he doesn't want to go away thinking I'm upset with him.

 

But me wanting to be RIGHT at all costs, I could NOT just let it lay. So then I launched back into how he doesn't he think he SHOULD tell her? And again he said no, he DIDN't agree with me because of yada yada etc.. her not wanting to know/not asking... that if she'd asked, he'd tell... but that he was going to tell her ANYWAYS to compromise with me.. but that didn't change his mind about how he felt abt the situation.. at this point I lost it, flipped out and told him flat out to do whatever he wanted, to ignore how I felt and to do just do what he felt HE should do. At that point he said oh it's never that simple with me.. if he does that I'll be mad, he won't be happy that I'm unhappy yada yada.. but I said NO, just do what you want to do.

 

He then said Ok.. fine.. I'll tell her in my own time.

I said Ok ... fine... then I don't wanna see you today before you leave.

 

SO THERE starts another argument. He proceeds to say how he has no problem telling her, but then I turn around and say DON'T tell her - do what you feel is right - and then when he does what he feels is right, now I won't see him? He said it wasnt that big of a deal, and said he really wanted to see me before he left and forget alll the nonsense, he was going to tell her - so could he see me?

 

But of course, being a female... I said no. At this point he said it was a lose lose situation. If he tells her - I'm still mad bcuz he doesn't agree with me in the view that I'm right and he's wrong - and I refuse to see him. If he DOESN't tell her - I'm still mad! - and I still refuse to see him. Yes, at this point I did realize I was being ridiculous but I was hurt that he didn't agree with my point of view, even tho he DID see it and DID say he was going to tell her - that just wasnt enuff. I wanted to be 110% right!

 

SO to the end, he asked one last time.. if he told her, would I see him? I said no. He said Ok, he's not gonna argue with me.. and we ended the conversation. He said he'd call me when he got back.

 

I don't know about you, but this sounds like there may have been some reluctance and arguing going on here. And the whole "Don't ask, Don't tell" attitude of his just sucks. And it personally saddens me that someone would want to be that way. I should think that it would be much more appropriate to have a jubilant attitude about your relationship. It's like he is denying you, invalidating your relationship, until the issue is forced.

 

You asked your Real World friends and you said they were split down the middle, no? You asked LS folks and many told you that is it just plain weird that he would want to go on holiday with is ex when he has a budding relationship with you. The LS people have no emotional ties to you or him and might be more likely to provide an objective opinion. I'm not saying that that's a good thing. I'm just saying that the facts you present and our personal experiences are all we have to work with to render an opinion. And you know what conventional wisdom says about opinions, don't you?

 

"Opinions are like a**h***s. Everyone has one and most of them stink."

 

I'm glad for you that your story had a happy ending. You are one of the lucky ones. Embrace that tightly as lightning rarely strikes the same place twice.

[Dubchick]

Well Kenge, I must say I'm happy you got closure and are now comfortable with your situation.

 

You helped me a while ago with one of my issues, and just to let you know I posted an update, so you can read it if you like.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=68022&page=2

 

After you read this, if you could give me some advice. This happened two weeks ago, and I'm still crying and waking up due to nightmares. I can't believe it's happened, and how he treated me. The root of my pain isn't even that he cheated, waisted my time, or turned into someone I don't know. It's the fact that he treated me like dirt in front of her, and confessed his love and how sorry he was, right in front of me. I feel as though I can never move on from this. I tried to send you a private message, but I don't know how

Thanks in advance

DubChick