Are open relationships secretly common?

[Kirsty91]

The older I get it seems like the more I hear of and see more people who are in relationships are having sex with other people, often behind their partners back. I've known lots of women who've done it, a few of my friends are cheating or have cheated, a woman I work with she's married 32y/o she's still having sex with men from nights out on the town, she says her husband doesn't know but I don't know if that's true.

 

My boss I'm 99% sure is sleeping with another girl from work, he's married in his 40's and she's 22, the way she dresses and acts around him its obvious he's probably sleeping with her.

 

I'm 27 and been with my boyfriend for six years, we're very happy and have a 5y/o daughter. Before then I was out partying a lot, had plenty of one night stands, had boyfriends since I became sexually active from 14. I've literally never ever cheated on any boyfriends despite a few of them were so convinced I had.

 

My boyfriend lets call him Steve, has been working with one of his colleagues (Tom?) for over three years now and became best friends so they talk about everything in life including our sex lives and Steve told me of Toms experiences. Steve showed Tom what I look like and said he fancied me, then Steve showed me Toms facebook pics which I was just really speechless how sexy and perfect looking he was. Steve didn't believe some of the things Tom told him of what he's like with the ladies like he has a massive penis and women go crazy over him and all those things. We thought if he's that good then why is he single? apparently he gets bored of girlfriends after a little while, he's 43 has three children with two ex girlfriends.

 

So then we had been talking for a while about it wondering if Tom really is as good as he makes himself out to be (surely its ALL talk?), so we agreed I could sleep with Tom just once - we had set out some rules that it can only ever happen once so anything beyond that would be cheating, and Tom must use a condom as he sleeps around a LOT. So the three of us went out on a date, I was dolled and glammed up to my max for a night on the town. As soon as we seen each other the attraction was so intense it was weird how much we fancied each other, we'd met at 6pm and by 9pm we were already almost drunk so we got a taxi back to Toms place and Steve went back home to look after our daughter from my mum. We could've gone back to our place but I didn't want Steve hearing us so hence why I went back to Toms place where he had wine as well.

 

Back at Toms place we went straight to the bedroom the time flew by fast for six hours (with rests, refreshments) the sex was just constant bliss, he kept saying how beautiful and fit I was, it was amazing... literally I've never had sex like that before, I still can't believe how nice it was that night. The thing is though the condom I put on him was too small (I had trouble trying to get it on!) so during sex he was constantly fidgety uncomfortable so he took it off and instead of getting one of his own as we were both eager to continue having sex and with the influence of lots of wine just made me not seem to care much that he just put it back in without a condom.

 

When I woke up the next morning I had such a hangover I went home without saying goodbye to Tom as he was still asleep, the thought that I'd caught some STD was really getting to me. I had to tell Steve which caused some friction between them at work for a while until three months later my test results came back clean.

 

Then the problem was I really wanted to see him again. Me and Tom have been messaging on facebook he has constantly said how he wants to see me again. So recently I told Steve in a heart to heart talk that I wouldn't mind if he wants to see other women which we talked about so we reassured how we love each other more than anything, we agreed basically to have an open relationship under the condition that we're always discrete and don't make it overly obvious we've had sex with anyone else, and don't tell friends or family we're in this type of relationship as people kind of frown upon people who are into this type of thing.

 

But now Tom is seeing a potential girlfriend. Yesterday after leaving work I went to his place we had sex. Before I went home he mentioned he was going out with some girl later, to be honest it makes me feel jealous of her even though I shouldn't be.

Edited July 21, 2018 by Kirsty91

[darkmoon]

I have enjoyed open relationships, but never talked about who when and what to my partners, who I suspect played away too

 

 

open has no strings to it, but you seem to have developed some attachment to Tom

 

 

might be a brief attachment but open is when the spouses do not know the 3rd person, and do not want to that much

 

 

 

I suspect you are not quite the easy come easy go type, based on what you described in your OP. so proceed with caution

 

 

my 2 cents

Edited July 21, 2018 by darkmoon

[stillafool]

You are now becoming attached to Tom so what is going to happen when your husband becomes attached to his new girl? It's going to happen.

[Kirsty91]

I won't deny I'm growing attached to Tom. But I'll never stop loving Steve, he's my daughters dad I'll (hopefully) never leave him, he's a wonderful man we're happy and still get on really well together.

 

Besides, if his track record has anything to go by he doesn't hang around for long anyway. Though he hasn't shown any signs yet of getting bored or not wanting to see me.

[Els]

If it's a secret, it's not an "open relationship", it's cheating.

 

 

Genuine "open relationships" (where both partners are fully aware of and endorsing the other's activities) are rare, but they do exist. Not sure if yours fit the parameters.

[Kirsty91]

If it's a secret, it's not an "open relationship", it's cheating.

 

 

Genuine "open relationships" (where both partners are fully aware of and endorsing the other's activities) are rare, but they do exist. Not sure if yours fit the parameters.

No I meant secret as in secret from friends and family, not from your boyfriend/husband.

[carhill]

IME, not as common as infidelity but they're out there. IMO they still come last after infidelity and monogamy when looking at a whole lifetime. That makes sense because most humans are selfish and territorial. When 'relationship' is defined by the legal partnership of marriage, that territoriality can make sense. Marital assets can be wasted on open partners, diminishing the value of the legal partnership. For those who define open partners as friends of the marriage and include both spouses, then less so, as with traditional friends.

 

To the extent that swinging and open M's aren't commonly discussed, I'd say there's still plenty of secrecy in play. Humans love to judge and criticize others for anything they can get their mitts on. Sex is a juicy subject.

 

If you find jealousy to intrude on your otherwise pleasurable and satisfying activities, I'd opine swinging or open relations likely aren't for you. The activity is in the moment, purely for pleasure, mutually, and then the human is back to the billions and who they're married to or date or live with is irrelevant. Same with Steve, your BF. Those moments he spends with sexual partners aren't involving you and are for him and his partner. If that doesn't work for you I'd move on from this idea.

[somanymistakes]

It's really hard to get good figures on a lot of this stuff because people keep it on the DL.

 

Certainly there are many open relationships out there, there are many swingers out there. How common? I have no idea.

[Kirsty91]

IME, not as common as infidelity but they're out there. IMO they still come last after infidelity and monogamy when looking at a whole lifetime. That makes sense because most humans are selfish and territorial. When 'relationship' is defined by the legal partnership of marriage, that territoriality can make sense. Marital assets can be wasted on open partners, diminishing the value of the legal partnership. For those who define open partners as friends of the marriage and include both spouses, then less so, as with traditional friends.

 

To the extent that swinging and open M's aren't commonly discussed, I'd say there's still plenty of secrecy in play. Humans love to judge and criticize others for anything they can get their mitts on. Sex is a juicy subject.

 

If you find jealousy to intrude on your otherwise pleasurable and satisfying activities, I'd opine swinging or open relations likely aren't for you. The activity is in the moment, purely for pleasure, mutually, and then the human is back to the billions and who they're married to or date or live with is irrelevant. Same with Steve, your BF. Those moments he spends with sexual partners aren't involving you and are for him and his partner. If that doesn't work for you I'd move on from this idea.

Love your opinion on this, really interesting and food for thought.

 

We're not swingers at all, we're not all that into seeing or knowing the other is having sex with someone else (other than he'd love to have a threesome with another woman - we're working on it lol), if anything its a big turn off for both of us. If Steve wants to have sex with other women then I hope he doesn't come back with obvious signs he's just come from another woman's bed, I just don't want to know about it, as long as he comes back to me and tries his best not to fall deeply in love with her then I'm good with that.

 

As for what I said about jealousy, I realise what other people here are getting at but its not like that. Me and Tom are not in love even slightly I think - its all about the sexual gratification. Sure if I were single I'd absolutely love for him to be my boyfriend but that's not how the situation is. Suppose I kind of hardened myself from my teen-college days from sleeping around even with married men, you just kind of learn how to accept the differences between passion/lust/sex from love.

 

But as per what I've put here as the topic title, I'm amazed/shocked how it seems like so many people who cheat or are in open relationships these days.

Edited July 21, 2018 by Kirsty91

[MWC BlondeKim]

Hello,

 

First of all I fully support your decision to have sex with "massively hung Tom", Steve your boyfriend was the catalyst in getting you and Tom interested in one another. Steve being the catalyst also has to accept the fact he does not control you like a sex puppet and if his original idea of one night of sex with Tom and done, evolves to a different situation which it has he has to take ownership of that and accept and live with the outcome.

 

My one point I like to stress is that all three of you have to be upfront and honest with no hidden agendas.

 

As for your question are Poly relationship common, I would say not common but they do exist and happening more often nowadays.

 

As for my hubby and I we have been married for years and years and very much in love, in the early empty nesters stage. Hubby and I have had my talks and what ifs, the idea of myself having longterm friendship/sex with another man and for the record my husband has no interest in seeing other women. It is only a matter of time before I have sex with another man, hubby and I are just be cautious in finding the right man.

 

When this happens it will be done in a manner that friends, family, and our community does not know.

 

Does Steve want to see other females ?

[MWC BlondeKim]

I get the impression you and I are very similar in regards that you just can't have sex with a man such as Tom and not have feelings for him and I think Steve has to be respectful of that.

 

I can't have sex with a man regardless of how handsome he is if I do not have that emotional attachment to them.

 

As for the part about jealousy......In hubby and I, search for a longterm Poly relationship with another man, I prefer a divorced or single man while hubby prefers a married man thinking that would be a safer arrangement.

 

I prefer a divorced or single man due to the fact I do not have to potentially deal with a jealous wife and one step further I realize in this future arrangement with me having sex with another man if he dates I could see myself having jealousy.

 

So yes your jealousy is normal even if you are not dating Tom

[central]

No I meant secret as in secret from friends and family, not from your boyfriend/husband.

 

Yes, it's common to keep it secret from friends and family, usually because they won't understand, and/or will be judgmental to the point it could harm your relationship with them - unless they have done so themselves and understand. I have some friends who are just happy for me, and can also be discreet and respect my privacy by not gossiping.

[Kirsty91]

Does Steve want to see other females ?

Well, we've talked for ages about having a threesome one day with another woman but we've never managed to make it happen due to various reasons. There are other women he'd love to have sex with but we've always been the same - like whenever we're together I sometimes tell him how I find some other guy attractive just like how best friends do. We've just never liked the idea of the other actually doing it with someone else, and still don't hence why we've agreed to try not make it obvious when we have seen someone else.

[Kirsty91]

Yes, it's common to keep it secret from friends and family, usually because they won't understand, and/or will be judgmental to the point it could harm your relationship with them - unless they have done so themselves and understand. I have some friends who are just happy for me, and can also be discreet and respect my privacy by not gossiping.

I can so very much relate over some conversations I've had with other women friends. My parents find the idea of people who are into all this is outright appalling. Its very difficult to discuss with friends and work colleagues.

 

What it all boils down to is that almost everyone believes that its impossible to truly love someone if you have sex with other people. I don't feel that way at all, I've always been intrigued by the idea of "swinging" but its just not for us mainly because what if you or him don't find the other person of the couple attractive enough physically or socially? At least in an open relationship you can choose who you want to get with and your partner don't need to know.

[MWC BlondeKim]

Hello, hello:

 

Both my hubby and I fully agree with your statement.

What it all boils down to is that almost everyone believes that its impossible to truly love someone if you have sex with other people. I don't feel that way at all....We truly agree you can be in love and married and sex with another can be mutually beneficial for all.

 

My hubby and I are 100 percent upfront with all intentions of entering into a poly relationship where he wants and will stay mono and I would have sexual relationship with a male friend.

 

A male friend that hubby and I know recently got divorced he is tall, handsome, younger than hubby and I.......and hubby gave me the green light to become friendly with him. Early stages of this process but the male friend Greg seems interested in me.......but will try to be discreet with all this due to society be too old fashion

[central]

... I've always been intrigued by the idea of "swinging" but its just not for us mainly because what if you or him don't find the other person of the couple attractive enough physically or socially? At least in an open relationship you can choose who you want to get with and your partner don't need to know.

 

Most people who are swingers do NOT "take one for the team." They simply choose not to play with another couple if one of them isn't attracted. Most couples meet other couples at swinger socials, parties, clubs, or even meet for a drink and conversation first, so they can make this evaluation. There should never be a commitment to play if you haven't met. We have ways to privately signal each other a yes or no, if a quick decision needs to be made - if either of us signal no, we make our excuses and leave (we have those ready ahead of time). If we both signal yes, we'll ask the other couple if they want to as well, and give them some privacy to decide, and go from there.

 

Admittedly, it can be difficult to find another couple where all are attracted, but far from impossible. The upside is that you both have fun when you are in agreement - no one is left out. With an open relationship, only one of you is having fun, and often your partner struggles to even meet someone, much less have sex with someone they like. It can get imbalanced and in many cases lead to frustration and resentment by the less successful partner, and that can lead to closing the relationship again - or worse.

 

Bottom line: you need to manage how you pursue these things, have good communication, and be sensitive to ensure your partner is also having a good experience.

[stillafool]

I can so very much relate over some conversations I've had with other women friends. My parents find the idea of people who are into all this is outright appalling. Its very difficult to discuss with friends and work colleagues.

 

 

Why would you want to discuss this with friends and family? It's a private matter between you and your husband.

[Kirsty91]

Why would you want to discuss this with friends and family? It's a private matter between you and your husband.

You're seeing it from the perspective of me seeking help/advice with my relationship regarding open relationships. What I mean is simply talking about it out of pure conversation to check their opinion of people who do actually do all this. But mostly just with certain friends/colleagues, as you may find their partner attractive so then you could put the feelers out there to check if they're into all this as well but you don't want to offend them or come across as weird.

[MWC BlondeKim]

Hello

 

May I ask how you and your boyfriend have been getting along since your first post?

 

Is sex with Tom still an on going thing and is it still as good as it was the first time you had sex with Tom ?

[alistoga]

Married women, engaged women, women with boyfriends approach me all the time. Sometimes they buy me drinks as well. Usually, the married women volunteer their numbers.

 

Sometimes I have married women approach me in front of their husbands. Same thing with engaged women.

 

Women's inhibitions disappear once they're in a relationship. Then they want to ---- other men like crazy.

[Kirsty91]

Hello

 

May I ask how you and your boyfriend have been getting along since your first post?

 

Is sex with Tom still an on going thing and is it still as good as it was the first time you had sex with Tom ?

 

Me and my BF since my first post here? Not much difference really. I can tell we both want to ask each other "certain" questions? But I think we both appreciate the notion that its best if we both don't talk about our experiences of other people with each other because obviously the other person may sound like the perfect partner or something. That way we can keep our loved experiences as cherished moments between ourselves so then nothing will ever make us forget those amazing experiences - of which as a young family it is priceless for anyone.

 

Any "normal" person reading this I'm sure will think this is wrong. Hell, my older sister is apparently as innocent and as straight as they come, yet if she knew some of things I've done I'm 100% sure she'd no longer be my sister.

 

The celebrity #metoo movement is an utter farce in my eyes. The day men and women become absolute equal will never ever happen in my opinion. Any woman's ultimate joy in her life like the experience of having a baby moving around in her tummy is what life is all about, and all men should be locked to loving the mother of his children - as per natural selection and that is exactly what civilisation should aim for but it simply does not these days.