Wicked, Cruel & Shallow?

[Houdini's Sweetie]

I've never considered myself any of those things, but maybe I am.

 

My dilemma: growing up I was a classic misfit -- chubby, wore glasses, couldn't afford the "right clothes" in school. In short, I wasn't the blonde/blue-eyed/cheerleader type which (in that smallish, insulated city) was the only acceptable way to be. Although I started off in life quite differently, I soon became VERY shy and VERY self conscious, with almost no social skills.

 

When I hit 19, a major fit of depression made me so anxious and miserable that I couldn't eat, and lo and behold, the pounds came off. I started wearing contact lenses. I got a nice hair cut. Better clothes with my part time jobs while going to college. I discovered that men actually liked my face and body now, and weren't shy about expressing this to me. So what was the problem? Then and now, in my mind, I'm still the chubby, bespectacled girl who was laughed at, tormented and isolated from age 7 - 19.

 

What I see in the mirror, and in the eyes of the few men I've been involved with, isn't who I am inside. I try hard to reconcile the two, but I remain shy and self-conscious, although I now have excellent social skills and no one knows how I struggle. Men tell me I'm "beautiful" or "gorgeous" or "stunning." I don't see myself as any of those things. In fact, I've had would-be lovers tell me that they assumed I already have a boyfriend because I couldn't be single with "everything I have going for me" and didn't want to risk rejection by asking me out. If only they knew...

 

I have relationships which are few and far between because it takes a very bold and insistent man to get past my shyness sometimes, plus I seem to somehow attract plenty of flakes and the come-on-strong-then-bail types who seem to lose interest or simply disappear when I encourage them in their advances. And of course, when they do this, I return to the old "I'm too fat and ugly for any man to care about" set of tapes in my head.

 

That's just the set up for why I feel so wicked, cruel and shallow. I feel ashamed even writing this, but I think I should ask for opinions and advice because I may be on the verge of doing something very stupid: rejecting a man I think very highly of because of...the way he looks!

 

Finally, after a frustrating year of isolation and the usual assortment of disappoinments (being led up the garden path and then cut off with no explanation), a man answered my personal ad and we began emailing. His letters to me were fantastic, and mine back to him were full of things about myself that I express to very few. They were sent faster and became longer each day, and the more I learned about him, the more I felt the strange magic you feel when you meet someone you are in sync with on many levels.

 

He told me that he would send a photo, that he had just moved and his life was rather unsettled, but he would send it as soon as he could. But he didn't. In the back of my mind, a red flag went up. I've had enough experience with internet dating to know that when there's no photo on the ad and none emailed to you within a relatively short time, there's something about the person that they don't want you to see. But I was enjoying his company so much (even though many miles separate us) that I kept pushing it out of my mind and hoping for the best.

 

Things progressed. He asked to call me and we spoke on the phone. He has the most gorgeous voice! Soothing, musical, expressive. I thought, no one with a voice like this can be too bad looking. The more I spoke to him, the more I felt something for him. We talked for hours. I was happy to stay up late just to be able to "be" with him. There's no word to describe how it felt to have someone I felt so attuned to and so anxious to meet and experience in real life. But still...no photo.

 

Finally, one day he IMed me and after another wonderful conversation, suddenly said that he "needed to get this over with" and wanted to send me a photo. I knew from the way he was wording things that this was a make or break moment, at least for him. How I reacted was going to be crucial. I told him to go ahead and send it.

 

I can't even tell you how I felt when I opened the photo. It simply wasn't him! His voice, his expressiveness, his personality as I knew it from our limited means of contact -- it just wasn't him! In short, I didn't find him attractive in the least and, honestly, if I had seen him photo on his ad up front, I would never have responded to his email except with a "thanks, but no thanks."

 

He wanted me to be honest with him. I was. He asked if there was any hope, considering that he was planning on some self-improvement and that his present appearance was due, in part, to "letting himself go." He said that he didn't want to lose an opportunity for a relationship with me, but that he would understand if I wanted to end it. I didn't know what to say or think! I told him that we should talk that evening.

 

We did talk that evening, and it was for nearly two hours. Even though I now knew what he looked like...it didn't change how I felt in listening to him and in how easy it was for me to be ME with him, and to enjoy him. We talked about the situation and decided that we would go on and see what happens. If nothing else, we can be friends. But I know that both of us want much more than that.

 

Since then, I've been struggling with feelings of shame and guilt. I know better than anyone how disheartening and painful it is for people to judge you on your appearance, unable to look past your imperfections to see the soul inside. I was treated as though I didn't exist for 12 years of my life, except for occasional snide comments and teasing. Even now, I don't feel good about my appearance although there's nothing wrong with me. How can I possibly even think about rejecting this man because he's what I consider to be unattractive?! If I were blind, and had no way to compare him to other men, I'd be on cloud nine just with the "relationship" that we've had so far! What's the matter with me, after all the bad relationships that I've had, that I'm more worried about being seen with someone than how he treats me?!

 

I've dated very good looking men, but these relationships went nowhere because we were either basically incompatible or they lacked the warmth, kindness, understanding or some other attribute that their good looks didn't compensate for. So obviously, if I were truly shallow, I would have stayed with them regardless, if looks were paramount to me. But most of the men I've been with are very average looking, mostly to the point where most other women aren't much interested in them. But they've all at least had some redeeming physical quality: nice eyes, a beautiful smile, something -- along with the things I loved best about them, which are those invisible qualities. I'm not sure that this guy has anything like that...

 

I feel angry with myself, and disgusted. I've been so alone for so much of my life (even in a relationship) that I should be elated at having found something along the lines of a soul mate -- a concept I don't literally believe in, but this is the closest expression I can find to explain how I feel about him. Maybe kindred spirit? Whatever it is, his presence in my life fills a void that others have failed to do, even when they're sitting right next to me. And this man is a continent away. Why can't I get past the worry about what my family, friends, and even total strangers would think or say seeing me with him?

 

There are still a lot of uncertainties, I know that. All things being equal, we could meet and could find that there's no chemistry no matter how each of us looks, good, bad or indifferent. We could be in the same room with each other and suddenly find we have nothing more to say. I realize that long distance, internet relationships are iffy at best, even with good intentions. But to let someone go over something which shouldn't matter...to not even attempt to get past any other obstacle and give up now because of appearance...isn't that wrong?

 

I can't sleep at night because I feel so sick and miserable about the whole thing. He says I've become "very important" to him and he's become that to me. I know he's hurt despite his words, and I wouldn't have intentionally hurt him for anything! This is one of the worst situations I've ever been in and don't know what to do! I'm sorry this is such a long post, but I had to get it all out even if only to make some sense of it in my own mind.

 

I do feel wicked, cruel and shallow....

[Dean3922]

nice eyes, a beautiful smile, something -- along with the things I loved best about them, which are those invisible qualities. I'm not sure that this guy has anything like that...

 

But he does have qualities. You enjoy is conversation, his voice, your reaction to him. It does hurt when you have built up an image about someone and then when confronted with the reality you feel cheated.

 

Can you learn to love him? In your present sate of mind, I doubt it.

 

I think you have to be honest with him and tell him what you are feeling. Since you both wanted more out of this I doubt if friendship is an option. You both will feel cheated. Life sucks when you want something to happen but your own ego will not allow it. Is this shallow? Probably but we all experience it. Just remember that he saw a picture of you so he knew he was attracted to you when you started talking.

 

Next time DO NOT get emotionally involved until you know what you are dealing with.

[JS17]

Hi Houdini,

I feel very similar to you as far as background except that while I was a bit heavier when I was in high school I was accepted by my peers, still didn't do to well in the guy department. When I got older I lost the weight and found that guys were all over me and it made me feel awful. I'm still the same person so it seemed pretty obvious what they wanted me for. I still feel like the same person I've always been regardless of my looks.

 

When I was younger I dated normal looking guys although I found them attractive, there were always other women interested. Then when I got older I started dating very very good looking guys and I haven't had much luck there either. After my last few I told myself that I would stop dating attractive men but it's hard to do when you're just, well, not attracted to them.

 

Mostly I'm just here to say that I feel your pain. I'm mostly concerned about the fact that this man was knowingly deceptive more than the fact that he isn't so attractive. In the end, the advice that would I give you would be to give it a shot. Maybe he looks better in person. Maybe you'll have no chemistry in which case you'll be feeling bad for no reason. Maybe he'll grow on you and you will find him more attractive over time.

 

Best of Luck

[JPMorgan]

You are only looking at a photo. Until you meet and can look in his eyes and see his expressions you don't know if you will or won't find something about him that attracts you.

 

You might just find that once you have spent time with him on a few dates you will see him as attractive and be proud to be with him. He might also see your insecurities and not find them attractive.

 

If you can meet and spend some real time together that will help you decide where your true feelings will lead.

[New_Wife]

I'm a big believer in going with the whole package. You cannot make yourself be attracted to someone you're not. However, many a plain man can be transformed by a killer smile with dimples, or a nice twinkle in the eye, into something much more desirable.

 

You are right, if nothing else you could be great friends, and there's never anything wrong with that.

 

Don't beat yourself up because you used to not be as attractive as you are now. You earned it, and you should be happy about it. This guy knows what he looks like - perhaps a good friend could cheer him on in his quest at personal improvement.

[quankanne]

in the dark, we all look alike. What makes us stand out is our character and personality, be they weak or strong, appealing or not. you're don't sound as much weak or shallow as you do running scared, IMHO, and it's understandable.

 

like you, I went to school in a small town, where once you were given a lable, you weren't allowed to strip it off. Truth be told, I hated the people there for buying into it, and I intensely disliked myself for not "fitting in." I have one true friend who liked me, quirky traits, chunky monkey body and all!

 

but thank God for college, where I met some wonderful people who I befriended on the basis of our common interests. They didn't care what I did or didn't look like, they just liked me for me, quirkiness and all. And I don't think I could have made that transition from having lowered self-esteem to who I am now ... even though I've put on a ton of weight, they see me, not the shell.

 

I think that once you talk yourself through what sounds like a panic attack of sorts (spurred by what reactions you're anticipating from others), you're going to discover these same things about your e-buddy. That the packaging is unimportant, but the lovely man inside is everything.

 

I don't think he was intentionally lying to you about his looks, but was also maybe a bit worried about scaring away women because they've responded this way before in real life. My guess is that he will find that added bit of motivation to drop the weight (I'm assuming this is the problem area?) if someone who has been as wonderful to him as you have accepts him for what's inside.

 

remember, we all look the same in the dark; only then does our true beauty or ugliness show through because it's the stuff no one sees until it's too late.

 

you'll do fine, houdini. As for family and friends my thought is this: even if it puzzles them, because they love you, they want you to be happy -- so if this man brings you happiness, they'll respect him for it.

[Houdini's Sweetie]

Thanks to all who've responded! I've gotten some excellent insights and I appreciate them.

 

Dean3922, you're correct. I probably should have pushed harder up front for a photo. In future, I'll try to have a more complete perception of the person I'm getting to know before I start allowing myself to have feelings. Once emotions are set free, they're a lot harder to rein in.

 

JS17, I felt the same way to some extent -- that he was being deceptive in not getting a photo to me ASAP. I don't know if that deceptiveness would extend to other issues, or whether he was just plain scared about how I would react. I've been involved with men who have serious physical, financial or emotional problems who play their cards very carefully in order to have you emotionally "stuck" on them before they reveal the bad news, thus making it less likely that you'll abandon them. I don't think that this was his intention, because he did say early on in one email that if I could see him with my heart, maybe I could love him. That kind of gave me a bit of heads up, but it wasn't the same as getting the truth right away.

 

JP and New Wife -- thanks for your good words! I felt so much better about how I was feeling, and encouraged that, as unlikely as it may seem right now, I may actually see him face to face and find that one thing about him that sets all the rest aside. Only time will tell...

 

 

quankanne -- I love that phrase, "in the dark we all look alike." Thanks for sharing your story with me and reminding me that it's best to see past the shell -- otherwise you could be missing something great. That's what I'm trying to do with this man, because each time we talk I know that if he were to not be in contact with me in some way, my life would be poorer for it.

 

I'm just taking one day at a time and keeping him on a "friendship" track for now to keep the emotions from overriding common sense until we can actually meet. There's no harm in enjoying his company as long as I don't promise what I don't mean to deliver and as long as I've been honest with him about the situation.

 

Thanks again! Now I don't feel so wicked, cruel and shallow!

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

Maybe he sent a bad photo on purpose and is testing you.

 

Guys, why, if you knew you didn't look good in that picture, why wouldn't you clean yourself up real nice for a photo?

[Mary3]

That exact thing happened to me once.

 

I got a profile with no pic and he said he had not gotten around to getting one up. I got really deep like you did ( this is before I learned my lesson on the on-line dating ) and got very involved with him .

 

He wrote wonderful lonnnnnnnnnnggg letters and he seemed great ! Then one day the dreaded pic came. OMG he was really homely. I was sick. But you know I thought I would meet him anyway because we had talked soooo much ( once again being new to the on-line thing ) I met him.

 

I TRIED and TRIED REAAAAAAAAALLLY hard to find him attractive but he wasn't, SO I actually agreed to meet him again and still felt the same way .

 

If you cannot imagine kissing this man then it just does NOT work. At least for me anyway,.

 

Lesson learned : Get a pic. See if you find something about them attractive . GO from there.

 

Is it shallow ? Well , most relationships develop into sexual relationships and if you can put a bag over his head well..

 

I know that sounds mean. I believe he deceived you because he KNEW you would not like what he had. Why does he not put a picture ? Because he KNOWS.

 

Another thing to consider : Besides him woooooooo-ing you and THEN sending a pic....Does it NOT concern you that he spends LOTS of time on the computer and on the phone and NOT having a life ? Thats a big dead give-away that these ppl who wont put a pic : well there is a reason for that.

 

I don't mean to sound shallow but unless you are blind you need some good visual going on. You know ?

[Houdini's Sweetie]

MWC, I had to laugh at your suggestion that he had sent someone else's pic to "test" me, because, in my more extravagant fantasies I was wondering that myself! And then, when I came to meet him at the airport, instead of the man in the pic -- lo and behold! -- an Orlando Bloom-ish guy is there with red roses and passionate kisses for such an unselfish and un-shallow girl like me!

 

Mary...your story is exactly what I'm hoping will NOT happen to me! But I'm afraid that I'll react in much the same way...

 

I mean, I even told my therapist all this and she told me that once you fall in love with a person, you see them with "the eyes of love" and what they look like won't matter any more. I'm sure that this is the way it works in fairy tales and romance novels, but real life is a much stickier wicket.

 

As I said, I do agree that it was deceptive of him to wait on the photo until I was "hooked," but in all fairness, in one of his very first emails he said, "If you could see me with your heart, maybe you could love me." That is a dead give-away that he ain't exactly gorgeous. But to his credit, it began to bother him so much that he insisted upon "getting it over with" one day. I don't know...I kinda feel for him in his dilemma. I'd never do the same thing, because I'd rather be rejected outright than wait agonizingly for the person to find out what I looked like and then be dismissed. But, I can see how someone might be tempted to see if they could get their foot in the door before it was slammed in their face...

 

And actually, in answer to your question about him spending a lot of time on the computer and phone and not having a life, we email through the week and most of our conversations take place on the weekends. He does have a lot going on in his life right now (job change and relocation), and I understand it and don't expect to hear from him every day.

 

I dunno Mary...maybe I'll end up making a valiant effort like you did and fail miserably...I guess I'll find out if/when we meet. It sounds like you tried very hard, and that's more than most people would do. I hope I can do the same..

 

Damn, why do these things have to be so complicated?! Isn't it bad enough that he's a million miles away?!

[Dean3922]

My advice would be to test it out 2 or 3 times before you make a decision. Sometimes looks can grow on you and if you find your conversation stimulating, as the emails, then it just might work. If you can't get past his looks then just break it off with him and be gentle with his feelings.

 

It is sad when you have an emotional connection with someone but you just can't see being physical with them. If you can't stand the thought of seeing him naked or being intimate with him then it is doomed to fail.

[Mary3]

I should say first off : If you do not find him attractive when you meet him you might want to say :" You know John , you are not my type visually ... To be fair ,I am meeting you because you are a wonderful person but John in all fairness you HAD a pic of me and was attracted to something about me. Please post a pic to be fair to me and others in the future." Lets be friends ( is easier to say ) if you dont want to be honest with him.

 

( Its hard to believe but there are 1,000's of men not posting and here are the reasons :

A) They are rear end *fugly*

B) They are married

C) And shockingly many who post , are posting OLD pictures when they *had* chest hair,. head hair,. muscular chests, brown hair ( now grey )

 

I actually met someone from the internet and was * looking around for the dark haired man with no shirt on,, basking in the sun ,* but in reality the guy grey white haired was pushing late 50;s but his pic was from 1973 LOL !

 

I seriously doubt this guy put a * bad * picture and he really looks like Brad Pitt. The odds are well .....winning the lottery..?

 

SOrry to say but your therapist is * incorrect * ask her to go out with him ! But yes the good and kind prevail and wonderful things happen and you will over look it all and fall deeply madly in love with him <<-------Fairy Tale .

 

But you might meet him and overlook his fulginess but I seriously doubt it. I have met countless fuglies and tried to look beyond.... But you know you have to lay down with this man in the soft grass and kiss his face and lips ...Can you do that ?

[Houdini's Sweetie]

Wow, Mary! You're a real veteran of the internet dating world!

 

I mean, I've met some doozies in my time, but I have never met a guy who posted a photo from 1973! That's beyond deception...that's borderline insanity. What could this man have been thinking?!

 

I'm used to guys fudging about where they live (the apartment they're renting in a "building their mother owns" is actually the basement of her house) or what they do for a living (the "business they own" is really giving piano lessons part time to supplement their real job). But generally, they've been pretty honest about photos. Honestly, most of them have been pretty average and their real-life appearance is no surprise. Only once before this did I get hooked on someone who didn't have a photo, and when I did meet him, I found him completely acceptable.

 

For my part, I can't count the time men have told me that they can't believe that I look like my photo! Why in the world would I try to lie about what I look like when, inevitably, if we ever meet, they'll see the truth?

 

But lately, I've been contacted by a slew of men who have no photo on their ad, and don't send one when they respond to mine. It's rather unfair, given that men are always on about what "visual" creatures they are, and how looks are so important. But you're supposed to accept them sight unseen?

 

Great advice on what to say when/if I meet him, Mary. I think I've paved the way well for him to anticipate that he may get the "just friends" thing. Because I don't want to lose him from my life, and my offer to be friends would be genuine and heartfelt. I can't commit to anything unless, as both you and Dean say, I can find him attractive enough to be intimate with.

 

Of course, there's always the chance that he'll do what 90% of these guys do -- disappear suddenly without warning, and I'll never hear from him again. Guess then the problem is solved!

 

Love your responses, Mary -- you're funny, and on top of it. Thanks!

[Mary3]

Well I have only experienced the internet on-line dating thing for the last 2 years. I always had been in relationships prior to that ..

 

But after leaving a tumultous one I decided to work on me and why I accepted that kind of treatment ?

 

I created a binder of positive insights, poems , thoughts and this has all been a huge learning process.

 

I can look at the binder anytime I have found great articles that I find on the computer...which gives us all great access...

 

Now I know what to avoid.

 

Many women say " I dont know what I was thinking , how did I end up with an *alcoholic* again ( or fill in the blank here ) . But the real key was that the clues WERE there and we *choose* to ignore them and get involved in with a certain type of man..

 

So the difference for me is : I have this GREAT site which 1000's of ppl post and you can learn SO much when you read here.

 

I also dont rush into anything and I PAY attention to the clues of someone who is just trying to have sex ( And nothing more ) or is a potential abuser or who is emotionally unavailable.....I also do alot of reading in general..

 

Thanks to LS I have learned alot.

 

Found this site when I was in a relationship and thankfully acted *half* the fool I could have, had I NOT found this site.

 

I think its neat to date and see all the * types * and weed out the good from the bad.

 

Glad you find me funny ! I like to make people laugh .

 

There is humor to me in most things. Even things you would not imagine..

[Weird]

I mean, I even told my therapist all this and she told me that once you fall in love with a person, you see them with "the eyes of love" and what they look like won't matter any more. I'm sure that this is the way it works in fairy tales and romance novels, but real life is a much stickier wicket.

 

I think this is true to a degree. It happens in real life but it depends on how extreme the situation is. I can say that I have become attracted to girls I didnt initially find all that physically attractive simply because I got to know them better and fell for their personality.

 

As for the whole situation...I dont think you are shallow and all that. You acknowledge it bugs you to be in the situation you are and that right there shows me that you arent being shallow. Shallow would ahve been to see the guy say "ugh" and block him from contacting you and not have a 2nd thought about it.

 

He should have sent you the pic earlier on but I dont think it was bad of him to not send it right away...he wanted to show you the person he truly is inside. Now you said he mentioned he has let himself go...woud it be possible for him to bring himself back and be good enuogh physically for you meaning is he severely overweight and lacks the upkeep and could fix all that?

 

About the whole online dating sites and picture stuff...I don't see any problem with people not having a pic up and it doesnt mean they are ugly if they choose not to have a pic up. Some merely do it that way so people who see their profile will judge based on the words and not the looks which is how humans should logically be. I do agree that if people put in pics they should be a representation of how they look now and not years ago.

 

I recently slapped up a profile at a relationship site just to see and maybe find some interesting women to chat to. I have found so far is that people amaze me and are full of ****. I first sent a few messages to women with pics who were avg looking but seemed like they would be good people to chat to and gave a description of what they are looking for which matched me...no dice. I then did a search on profiles without pics just to make sure I didnt let appearance influence any interest and went based on their profile. I figured this way the women would realzie I am showing an interest on the profile not on the pic. I sent out a bunch of messages to like 7 of them one day who all stated in their profile what they were looking for and I concluded I fit their criteria. Of the 7 I got 3 replies with one of those replies being a decline as I was too young for her or maybe she was making it up...didn't really care. The other two accepted my invite to chat and one of them had no personality so I stopped talking to her. The other one I occasionally talk to and it turns out she slapped up a pic in her profile after I had sent the message and she is stunning...after I saw her pic I wasnt expecting to hear back from her but I did so that was surprising although I doubt if I were to try and persue anything romantic with her I'd get shot down since she prolly has a trillion guys messaging her now with her pic up. Anyway, of the other 4 I sent messages to, 1 didnt yet read her message and the other 3 werent interested. They made me laugh because they stated in their profile the same thing 90% of women say

 

"I am looking for a good caring honest guy who will treat me well. I am tired

of jerk guys, blah blah blah"

 

yet they apparently don't truly mean what they say because if they did there is no way they'd not at least take the effort to talk to me since my profile kicks ass. The only thing that would prevent them most likely is my pic (same as my avatar here) which they must not care for and that makes me laugh since I was messaging them blind.

 

Anyway, I find the online dating stuff to be somewhat silly because people will write all this stuff about what they want and how they have been screwed over in the past yet they go back to the simplest and most illogical form of deciding who is worthy to talk to by judging on their appearance. I just dont get it....I look at the personal sites as a way to meet people and firt talk to thema nd then see if there is anything there worth persuing but some seem to go on there just to see what the person messaging them looks like and deciding on that. How can you know what a person is like based on that and why would anyone not talk to someone simply because of their looks? Gah, I just find it all silly.

 

The best is that I am probably one of the best all around guys a woman could find and I could make any deserving woman happy but I guess because I dont look like Brad Pitt that some arent even willing to spend a few minutes to talk to me even in a friendly manner. Hilarious but their loss I guess as I am sure the people who do that will end up with guys who may look better but will treat them like crap (as their past guys have) and they'll be back to square one looking for good guys yet passing on the good guys who show interest and going with guys who may look good but have no substance and continuing the cycle of stupidity.

 

Humans are so shallow...

[Jayhawks]

On-line dating is no different that the bar scene, Weird. People say lots of things but it is still the appearance that seals the deal. Have you ever not answered a message based on her looks? It is human nature to not want to get involved unless we are attracted to them. They are not looking for friends but romantic partners. A whole different animal. Dating on-line is really more impersonal than bars because you don't see them face to face.

 

Just get used it it if you choose that media.

[Houdini's Sweetie]

Weird, I'm fascinated at the results that you gathered from your on-line experiments. Unfortunately, I don't find it all that surprising that humans tend to be more attracted to those with pleasing exteriors without bothering to find out if, personality-wise, they're leaning toward the Ted Bundy thing. (Yes, I completely believe that if Ted had been an "ugly guy" none of the ruses that he used to approach his victims would have worked -- he knew he had an ace in the hole and he played it.)

 

As it happens, I was in an 18-month relationship with a very good looking man with whom women would flirt on the street, and in my presence. Sadly, he'd been chased by women since he was 14 years old (when all this beauty of his blossomed) and he had been totally ruined by it. Outside his two 4-year marriages, our relationship was his longest.

 

Honestly? If he had been homely and had treated me with the same neglect and insensitivity, I would have left him flat in a few months. But I rationalized his ugly behavior, and gave him more credit than he was due. When your mother tells you, "Handsome is as handsome does," she ain't kidding. Using that formula, this guy was pretty damn homely.

 

Now, as to the present situation...I have to say that I'm...geez...I guess the word is happy. Haven't been that in so long, I'd almost forgotten what it feels like! This man calls me when he says he's going to call me. He asks me how I am and listens to my answer. He cares when I have a bad day. He shares his daily life with me, insofar as possible, given we're separated by such distance, and I share mine with him. I love talking with him, and when I see his number flash up on my caller ID, I'm like this: Whatever happens, I feel we've made a genuine emotional connection, which is far more than I ever shared with Mr. Got Looks.

 

And yes, Weird, in answer to your question as to whether he can improve himself. He's not severely overweight by any stretch of the imagination, and even if his present weight didn't change, it's not all that bad. He can do other things to improve his appearance, and he's motivated to do that. The best thing is that I believe he's motivated to do it for himself first -- not just to please me.

 

It would only take a little nudge at this point for me to feel like this about him, and I'm resisting that for more reasons than just appearance. He and I have both had our share of disappointment...and we both want things to be right. Keeping my fingers crossed!