Should I tell her now or later?

[ConflictedPerson]

Hello,

 

This thread may really belong in the 'breaking up' section but I decided because it spans across several topics in this general area (and because this forum seems to get more traffic) I'd put it here.

 

I was in a relationship with a woman (I'm a man) for about a year, after having been friends for a bit before that. Recently, she decided we should 'scale back' our relationship and go back to just being friends. The reason was, in essence, that she didn't think I was sufficiently attracted to her or 'excited' about her, particularly sexually. She basically thought I was just sleeping with her out of a sense of obligation or something. I disagreed and told her that I'm just habitually an extremely passive person, and always have been, and even in a relationship am often apprehensive about taking the initiative. We'd had this conversation before, but I guess she just didn't really believe me anymore. I'm also very stoic and reserved and tend not to show emotion outwardly as much or as intensely as most people do (nor usually does she, I'll note), which is also a source of obfuscation.

 

I basically passively assented to the break up 1) because, again, I'm very passive; I think I let her tell me what I was feeling and thinking too much on this matter because she was very convinced of her position; and 2) because it was very emotionally taxing for me, and when I'm in that kind of state I feel helpless to 'fight back', so to speak; and it was clearly stressing her out as well, and I felt guilty about that, so I just let it happen.

 

Now, in retrospect, I think I made a mistake, and additionally, a couple other things have come to light or occurred to me. First of all, I found that the anxiety medication I've been on for years commonly causes certain sexual dysfunctions, especially when taken with alcohol (and we tended to drink alcohol almost whenever we were together). Secondly, on reflection I decided I was probably watching too much porn before (over-compensating for what I perceived to be my waning libido). So I stopped doing that. And I also decided yesterday to discontinue my anxiety medication.

 

I expect someone will say "you should talk to your doctor before doing that;" my doctor generally asks me whenever I get a new prescription if I want to try going off it or reduce the dosage, so I don't think he'd strongly object to this decision. The medication is also known to cause insomnia and weight gain, both of which have afflicted me as well, so it's not just the one thing.

 

Now, after that long preamble, is my dilemma. Now that I am more confident that her objections were really misunderstandings, and this past week since we formally ended our romantic relationship has made me more certain that I want more than friendship with this woman, and have been thinking and reaming about her and agonizing over this almost constantly, should I tell her how I feel at the next opportunity? Or should I give it some time and let my feelings settle, before deciding what to do and doing it? And if so how long should I wait?

 

On the one hand, it seems logical to take this as 'taking a break', let passions cool and tension ease, and if I still feel the same way in, say, a few weeks, either tell her how I feel, or, if the situation feels right while we're hanging out as friends, make a 'move' to rekindle the romance (she's been very clear she prefers a man to 'take the initiative' in such things in general).

 

On the other hand, I worry that waiting could just give her time to 'get over' me; that perhaps I should strike while the iron is still hot, so to speak. And moreover, I worry that it'll cause me a lot of stress just thinking about this and waiting for the right time, and planning what to say and so, etc. that I'd rather just put all my cards on the table as soon as possible, and then if she's really adamant that we not be together anymore, at least I'll have closure. Of course, pressing this issue so soon might just bother her, or make her think I just can't let go and ruin the possibility of friendship with her.

 

I appreciate any advice. I feel that a lot is at stake here. I'm a very idiosyncratic and introverted person and am quite certain the probability of finding another woman as compatible with me as her who I like this much and actually reciprocates the sentiment is essentially 0.

[LifeBeginsAt40]

I think you probably have to be open to the idea that no matter what you do now she is gone from your life in a romantic sense. She has decided that she doesn't want to be with you anymore, and then you have been passive and not bothered. The time to fight and to declare your love for her was when she was in effect dumping you, not now.

 

You need to also take a look at the last sentence you have written. There are going to be other people out there who get you. You need to stop putting this woman on a pedestal - she wasn't right for you, didn't appreciate you and now you want to go whimpering back to her because you feel you're worthless and won't meet anyone ever again?

 

In terms of closure, by all means go chat to her if you think it will help, but I don't think it will change the outcome I'm afraid.

 

Sounds a bit harsh the above, but I come at this with a background of anxiety myself. I have been working hard to overcome this, and I'm not there yet, but I am doing better. I have never gone down the medications route, and I'm not here to try and make you feel bad for doing so, but the only way I feel to address anxiety long term is to confront what it is that makes you feel that way. I have been working through this with both close friends and professional help, and I am now a much better version of me. I am able to silence the inner voice of doubt, and I am stronger emotionally.

 

Good luck to you.

[grays]

I think the only reason you are thinking of waiting is because of your passive nature.

 

There's two reasons, IMO, that she might be saying that she doesn't want to be with you because you don't dig her enough. It might be that she just wants to breakup and this is her way of making you responsible for it. But I think it's more likely that she is hoping that you'll make an effort to prove that you really do dig her.

 

About six weeks ago I broke up with my boyfriend over similar stuff and he is still kinda flirting with the idea of coming back around. He may even be ramping up. There have been 3 or 4 times since the break up where he's said he "cares for me." And I know he's putting it that way because he's passive, doesn't want to put himself on the line, doesn't want to be vulnerable. But he's squirming, hoping that something will change without having to do the work to change it. A couple of days ago he finally said that he loved me and I think he must be feeling really desperate to do that. (He's said it maybe 4 or 5 times in the year we were together but every time as if it was a painful thing he couldn't get out of.)

 

And in this six weeks, I've done all I can to move on and forget about him. I am now to the point that his ILY didn't even do that much for me. I thought, do I want this guy who might, if I'm lucky, tell me grudgingly that he loves me 3 or 4 times a year? No, I want a man who makes me feel loved every day and wants to shout it from the mountain tops. I felt that way about him and I was always very open about it with him and made sure he knew. This is too little, too late.

 

Don't wait. That is only going to confirm her belief that you're not that into her.

[ConflictedPerson]

"You need to also take a look at the last sentence you have written. There are going to be other people out there who get you. You need to stop putting this woman on a pedestal - she wasn't right for you, didn't appreciate you and now you want to go whimpering back to her because you feel you're worthless and won't meet anyone ever again?"

 

I don't think I said or implied any of this.

 

It is just a fact that there are very few women I'm going to even meet (or have met) who I can relate to as well personality-wise with this woman, ad who, though this may sound arrogant, are as intelligent as her and can discuss advanced scientific concepts deeply, and who are as open-minded enough that I could be nearly as honest.

 

You may be right that her mind will have closed on the matter already; that does nothing to persuade me not to try.

 

Let me say that I categorically reject this idea that everything that happens happens for a reason, is part of some plan or destiny, and that us separating romantically must be for the best because it happened, because if it weren't for the best it wouldn't have happened. That's pure superstition. Misunderstandings happen, mistakes happen, and are sometimes fixed, conflicts arise and are resolved, people, given time, reflect on things and reach new conclusions. I don't think it's excessive to hope that she will be understanding of this.

[Lotsgoingon]

Wow, thorough and thoroughly honest and thoughtful post brother.

 

Sorry to do this, but I really do need to cover the old ground. I had libido problems on an antidepressant, told my psychiatrist at the insistence of my ex, and he found another antidepressant that didn't curtail my libido.

 

I fear you are repeating your passive, bloodless, emotion-less pattern by not working with your doc on this. You could just as easily crash on the quick withdrawal of the anti-anxiety medication. Practice being assertive by telling the doctor I want a medication that helps my anxiety but doesn't kill my sexual drive. What you've done--decided this on your own without interaction with the doctor--is exactly the distance your ex is complaining about.

 

Really, what would impress your ex more than these changes you've recently made is if you were in therapy deeply grappling with and learning how to express your feelings. I mean, it's a HUGE deal if you really like someone, and can find the energy to express that or make it clear.

 

I'm betting with the right therapist and some systematic practice, you can learn to work a lot better with your feelings and emotions. And you can learn how to reassure people when you do care but have troubling showing that. And here's the brutal truth: you really want to learn how to do this ... because pretty much expressing feelings is what all partners want. In this sense, your ex has given you a gift. She's shown you the path you must take for a better life.

 

The problem with calling your ex and telling her of your changes (and expecting that to change her mind about breaking up with you) … is that she's going to want to see clear evidence that you can express your feelings.

 

If you really want to talk now, consider the meeting as one where you are going to share some things about yourself. Don't go for "I want to get together again, now that I'm different."

 

Instead, you will need to show her in that cafe meeting that you CAN be present, CAN be present to your feelings and emotions, that you CAN notice that she looks good, that you CAN laugh and so on. You with me?

 

You will need to let yourself tear up when you explain your sadness at the breakup. Let yourself get emotional when you think of how upset you are that you don't have her in your life anymore. THAT'S what she is going to be looking for ... not a description of a series of changes that you think are going to solve the problem of distance and disconnection.

 

And if you cannot show your feelings (which might be the case) you want to at least find really good words to explain how much it hurts you and frustrates you that you couldn't make clear to her how much you like her ... how pretty you think she is ... how wonderful you think she is.

 

Just so you know, there are two issues here.

 

Your inability to feel things strongly ... and two, your inability to express feelings with others. You can’t get to #2 unless you first get to #1. You need to learn #1 and #2. That's why I think therapy is a good path.

[ConflictedPerson]

Thanks grays,

 

This seems possible and is what I'm hoping is the case. I'm leaning in the direction of bringing this up soon in part because waiting would be intolerable. Now I have to muster my confidence. If you don't mind me asking, what would you want to hear from your ex-boyfriend? I know everyone's different, but maybe it'll provide some inspiration.

[grays]

I want to hear, "I love you and I miss you and I want to be with you all the time." And then he needs to act like it, consistently.

[Lotsgoingon]

Dude, quit the strategizing.

 

Your strategy and goal are quite simple: own up to your issues of not expressing feelings. Tell her how much this bothers you. Tell her about the changes you've made.

 

Initiating a dialogue with her about these issues is itself a major success.

 

Just call and do it ... tell her you really need this ... I would really urge you not to beg to get back together. People hate begging.

 

Just initiate the conversation because you want to get honest and clear for you own benefit. But I'm seriously brother, you wanna impress her: get to therapy ... AND ... do some serious work in therapy ... Note: you don't want to do therapy just to impress her ... I'm simply saying she will think that is a great move for you ...

[grays]

Also, I just wanted to add that expressing your feelings and being vulnerable with her is worthwhile even if she rejects you. It will help her understand what's actually happened between you, which would be a gift from you. I have moved on from relationships where I cared about the guy and never had any idea what he was thinking or why it wasn't working and that feels awful.

 

And it's a valuable experience for you, even if you're rejected. I went through a period where I practiced being rejected and got better at it. And realizing that a rejection isn't the end of the world has made me feel much freer both to express positive feelings towards a partner and to ask for what I need from them. Also, you will know that you did what you could to be decent to her and salvage things.

[Versacehottie]

I think the only reason you are thinking of waiting is because of your passive nature.

 

There's two reasons, IMO, that she might be saying that she doesn't want to be with you because you don't dig her enough. It might be that she just wants to breakup and this is her way of making you responsible for it. But I think it's more likely that she is hoping that you'll make an effort to prove that you really do dig her.

 

About six weeks ago I broke up with my boyfriend over similar stuff and he is still kinda flirting with the idea of coming back around. He may even be ramping up. There have been 3 or 4 times since the break up where he's said he "cares for me." And I know he's putting it that way because he's passive, doesn't want to put himself on the line, doesn't want to be vulnerable. But he's squirming, hoping that something will change without having to do the work to change it. A couple of days ago he finally said that he loved me and I think he must be feeling really desperate to do that. (He's said it maybe 4 or 5 times in the year we were together but every time as if it was a painful thing he couldn't get out of.)

 

And in this six weeks, I've done all I can to move on and forget about him. I am now to the point that his ILY didn't even do that much for me. I thought, do I want this guy who might, if I'm lucky, tell me grudgingly that he loves me 3 or 4 times a year? No, I want a man who makes me feel loved every day and wants to shout it from the mountain tops. I felt that way about him and I was always very open about it with him and made sure he knew. This is too little, too late.

 

Don't wait. That is only going to confirm her belief that you're not that into her.

 

I agree with this^^^. If your gf's main complaint was that she felt like you weren't excited and longing to be with her, time is of the essence to pull a romantic movie move and lay it all on the line and go after what you want. Showing that you are willing to push your comfort zone to let her know how special she is to you, should do the trick if there is still a chance. Like one poster said you have to be open to the possibility that she is NOT into you anymore and it is too little, too late. I wouldn't let that affect HOW you express yourself though. You want to be the opposite of passive. Good luck

[LifeBeginsAt40]

"You need to also take a look at the last sentence you have written. There are going to be other people out there who get you. You need to stop putting this woman on a pedestal - she wasn't right for you, didn't appreciate you and now you want to go whimpering back to her because you feel you're worthless and won't meet anyone ever again?"

 

I don't think I said or implied any of this...

 

You absolutely did - read back your post. Look, I'm not trying to be a jackass here as god knows how many times I have been through this situation with women, but you know what, I came out the other side, and I absolutely met someone who rocked my world again. My ex was a high level amateur athlete who earned close to £200k a year and did some running modelling on the side. We split up after 4.5 years together and I went through the same thought process - there is nobody like her, I'll never meet someone as successful, beautiful, well off etc etc as her again. I'm doomed to a life of solitude. Half a year later I am in another relationship with a woman who blows my mind in entirely different ways - she's not sporty, she earns less than me, she doesn't do modelling, yet I am totally 100% head over heels in love with her, and wouldn't swap her for my ex if you offered me all the tea in China!! You're trying to tell me there are only a few women in the world with equal intelligence to you? Even if there were, who's to say you won't fall in love with a barmaid from the local bar who earns minimum wage but who just connects with you in ways that nobody ever has. Stephen Hawkings ex wife is a teacher! Clever maybe, but scientific genius on his level!?

 

I'm not saying everything happens for a reason, or whatever superstitious stuff you want to mention, but what I am saying is that if this woman's interest level in you was high then she wouldn't have kicked you to the curb. If you feel that this woman is the only one for you, then you need to get off your ass and show her. Absolutely have hope, but you need to also accept that she may tell you where to go- at least you will know in your head then that you tried as opposed to wondering what if.

 

Take this as a lesson whatever the outcome. If there is one thing I have learned is that women don't like indecision and passiveness. Nobody ever got turned on by someone who just drifts through life going with the flow. They want a leader and someone they respect. This doesn't mean they want a muscle laden jerk from the gym who treats them like crap, but they want a partner not a child. This is the reason my ex dumped me - I like you can be quite passive, and as our relationship broke down, I became more so. She felt like I was a child not a partner and of course it was all downhill from there.

 

I would absolutely repeat the message though that you need to get this woman off a pedestal whatever the outcome. You may think she is irreplaceable, but if she knows that then you aren't attractive. Think about anything in life that you have ever lusted after - a Ferrari, a rare coin, a limited edition superman doll, I dunno, whatever. If they were all ten a penny you wouldn't want it. It's the fact they are rare that makes them desirable. Your anxiety definitely plays into this I'm sure, but see yourself as the prize, not the other way around.

 

Good luck.

[mortensorchid]

You must not close yourself off. Life can and does go on. Not just in the dating world, but in all others possible (friendship, travel, career, etc.). Are you the same person you were twenty years ago? Even five years ago? No, you aren't. You're going to change. And you can make a decision - you can sit around on your can, cry to anyone and everyone who will listen about it, plus make the excuse that you can't do something because this experience damaged you to such a point you can't do something.

 

 

I (and I'm sure everyone else on this forum) probably has a tale or two of someone who said they can't do one thing, but ends up doing another. I have been out with my fair share of guys who have said similar to what you have, and they end up with someone else (and probably marry them) barely a year later. Marriage issues aside, why do people move on? Sometimes they have no choice in the matter, sometimes something really good/bad happens to them, sometimes they were lying to the first person and they were seeing someone else and had an ulterior plan. There are a million reasons how/why.

 

And then when all of that happens, you ask yourself "Do I want to die alone?" For some people, the answer is yes. And if the answer is yes, and you truly TRULY feel that the answer is yes, then you should just resolve it and move on. But if the answer is no, then tomorrow is another day for you to move on. If not with love, something else. Because you need something else to occupy your time.

[bathtub-row]

I wouldn’t wait too long to talk to her. Having said that, what will happen if you have to get back on the medication? It’ll all start over again. I can’t say that I blame her for not wanting someone who behaves in such a vanilla, passionless manner. If that all starts again, you’ll be faced with the same thing. The next question is, why do you have so much anxiety without medication?

 

I would personally see those things - being on medication and an issue with anxiety - as red flags and probably wouldn’t date that person. It may be that the two of you are inherently incompatible.

[Gretchen12]

Tell her as soon as possible. I think the biggest problem is that you may come across as just another guy who didn't appreciate what he had until he lost it. Women have experienced this a lot: guys coming back after break up. And we're weary of it. You essentially dumped her by not giving yourself and then let her go. You go back now, it looks like you took her for granted and now you don't want to be alone. If you wait longer, it looks worse, like maybe you tried to date and failed so you came back.

There is the factor of your medication. It might play a role in how receptive she can be. But again, even without that, plenty of men go back after they realized what they've lost. I don't know if your case is really all that different.

Personally, if it's a guy I really care about, I'd take him back on a sob story. I'm soft hearted so if he says he's ill and miserable and he needs me, that'd do it. Sob story is not the same as begging. Begging doesn't work, and no sales talk.

[Echo74]

Speak to her earlier rather than later. But before you do, do you really think you can give her the affection she longs for? Some people thrive on that and not everyone is outwardly affectionate and that's okay. It wouldn't be fair to her if affection is not in you true nature. Also, be prepared just in case there's a negative reaction.