6 year marriage ended by ex. Blocking communication

[cooldude123]

Got an email from ex asking me to submit proof of loss of insurance coverage from my employer. I wonder why this was not asked the other day? This is the first thing usually anyone from HR or other company asks to switch over insurance carrier. Anyways I am not responding. I already called the carrier and they will be mailing the document. I will in-turn mail that document out to her. I guess email response not needed.

[CantTakeMySmile]

Right no response needed.

[cooldude123]

This is ridiculous. Since I did not respond to her latest email, she was frustrated and asked me to stop being passive aggressive and judged that i may not be interested in sending the healthcare loss of coverage document and asked me to behave like mature adults keeping personal issues aside.. She also said she needs the tax filing document and she has the right to own it.

I responded first saying i was neither being angry or inconsiderate and no passive aggressive like she claims. i had already requested the document and it takes 7 to 10 business days. If she wants she can expedite it by calling the carrier. And also attached the tax filing. I said that she had never asked for the tax doc. I also said I would be dispatching her marital requests to.her home soon so her parents would receive it. Since she brought legality into question, i asked her to come through her attorney if it makes her feel comfy and stop being judgemental towards me.

She responded thanking for the doc and was expecting me to send a response to her email and being more considerate. And that she only requested the tax document because she wanted it for future purposes.

I said I was not being inconsiderate just for not able to respond to her. I dont need see a reason for us to communicate in the future ever. We should act like 'mature adults' and behave what is required for us to be like legally divorced mature adults. I assume this was the last document she wanted. If there is anything else let me know what it is. So i can send you the required right away. If not, i assume We have nothing in between us now. I wish you happiness for your future and life.

She responded saying she is not trying to invade my private space but I sound very harsh. And that We were once together and there was a pious relation we shared. At least I dont disrespect that. Anyways wished me good luck and said Take care

I responded - Nothing is harsh that i mentioned. Everything is practical and I am not disrespecting anything or anyone here. It is a hard reality that mature adults should come in terms with. Past is done. That is what life is.

 

Did i drag this too much above? Were my responses accurate?

Edited August 4, 2018 by cooldude123

[Normm]

Why are you so worried about whether you did the right thing?

 

 

Do whatever you want, she means nothing at this point.

[cooldude123]

Not that i am concerned.. but the way she is pointing out that i am aggressive and all that matters. Even if it was my friend or someone it would have bothered me to have sent such an email. Thats all .

[Normm]

Not that i am concerned.. but the way she is pointing out that i am aggressive and all that matters. Even if it was my friend or someone it would have bothered me to have sent such an email. Thats all .

 

 

If that's all that matters then why did you post this?

 

 

How do you think i should handle these breadcrumbs? And why she still wants to be in my life someway?

[cooldude123]

Coz despite all the way i am trying to block her from my life she is still trying to come back into my life one way or the other

[Beachead]

Coz despite all the way i am trying to block her from my life she is still trying to come back into my life one way or the other

 

Things should be good now. You gave her the documents she needed. There is nothing leftover to do. Just maintain NC and forget what she said. It's upsetting her that you're not crying and begging and showing weakness. Makes her feel like she doesn't mean anything to you but that's her problem. She wanted a divorce, she got it. It's done. As you mentioned, you're not obligated in anyway to keep in touch with her ever again.

 

- Beach

[cooldude123]

Thanks Beach.. i intend to keep it that way. Just after divorce,i had reminded her of car registration renewal and that she needs to transfer ownership from both our names to hers. I had even given her the power of attorney to switch the car ownership to her name. She has done neither. Now I recently received the car registration renewal notice (my car) which she is driving and claims it is hers. I promptly corrected the address and sent it back to the license beureau. Of course i do not intend to pay for the renewal. Its her duty to figure out.

I do not intend to inform her. It expires in a week and i hope she will take care of it. And also change the ownership to her name so i am releived off my responsibilities.

[Beachead]

Thanks Beach.. i intend to keep it that way. Just after divorce,i had reminded her of car registration renewal and that she needs to transfer ownership from both our names to hers. I had even given her the power of attorney to switch the car ownership to her name. She has done neither. Now I recently received the car registration renewal notice (my car) which she is driving and claims it is hers. I promptly corrected the address and sent it back to the license beureau. Of course i do not intend to pay for the renewal. Its her duty to figure out.

I do not intend to inform her. It expires in a week and i hope she will take care of it. And also change the ownership to her name so i am releived off my responsibilities.

 

Be prepared for the worst as in her contacting you once more. If it happens don't get annoyed or mad. Don't argue. Don't converse. Don't get sucked into it. Give her whatever it is she needs, tie those loose ends up one by one until there's no legal reason for her to contact you. Just get through it.

 

The storm is passing and most of it has passed on through but for the moment, but there is a little bit left. A little bit of trailing rain. It will eventually pass.

 

- Beach

Edited August 5, 2018 by Beachead

[Marc878]

Poor muffin isn't use to rejection. That's all this is.

 

You were supposed to pine for her.

 

Have a good female friend do your phone greeting for you. That might help

[cooldude123]

Lol.. thats a good piece of advice and in fact that is wat i am trying to focus and have already started conversing many other female folks. Feels better and more confident moving away.

[MidnightBlue1980]

This is ridiculous. Since I did not respond to her latest email, she was frustrated and asked me to stop being passive aggressive and judged that i may not be interested in sending the healthcare loss of coverage document and asked me to behave like mature adults keeping personal issues aside.. She also said she needs the tax filing document and she has the right to own it.

I responded first saying i was neither being angry or inconsiderate and no passive aggressive like she claims. i had already requested the document and it takes 7 to 10 business days. If she wants she can expedite it by calling the carrier. And also attached the tax filing. I said that she had never asked for the tax doc. I also said I would be dispatching her marital requests to.her home soon so her parents would receive it. Since she brought legality into question, i asked her to come through her attorney if it makes her feel comfy and stop being judgemental towards me.

She responded thanking for the doc and was expecting me to send a response to her email and being more considerate. And that she only requested the tax document because she wanted it for future purposes.

I said I was not being inconsiderate just for not able to respond to her. I dont need see a reason for us to communicate in the future ever. We should act like 'mature adults' and behave what is required for us to be like legally divorced mature adults. I assume this was the last document she wanted. If there is anything else let me know what it is. So i can send you the required right away. If not, i assume We have nothing in between us now. I wish you happiness for your future and life.

She responded saying she is not trying to invade my private space but I sound very harsh. And that We were once together and there was a pious relation we shared. At least I dont disrespect that. Anyways wished me good luck and said Take care

I responded - Nothing is harsh that i mentioned. Everything is practical and I am not disrespecting anything or anyone here. It is a hard reality that mature adults should come in terms with. Past is done. That is what life is.

 

Did i drag this too much above? Were my responses accurate?

 

I'm a CPA. You could not send her a tax filing document. It comes from a 3rd party. It's mid year as well. She should have 2017 for 2017 taxes already and 2018 won't be available till late Jan 19. So she is reaching, just wanting to contact you.

[cooldude123]

Well no. I think she was asking for 2017 tax filing document. I sent her the same. 2018 i will file it as single.

[Normm]

It expires in a week and i hope she will take care of it. And also change the ownership to her name so i am releived off my responsibilities.

 

 

If the registration is still in your name you are responsible for any parking or expired registration tickets she gets and you may have other legal liability as well even if you've supposedly transferred ownership to her. Doesn't seem fair, but it's fact, go ahead and do a search on "I sold the car but the registration is still in my name".

[ThreeRainbows]

She wants to matter to you. Needs those ego kibbles.

 

Ignore her. No response needed.

 

 

I think she wants to assuage a guilty conscience. She feels bad about things. Wants to make it up by offering the money.

[Beachead]

@Marc878 and ThreeRainbows

 

I think you're both right.

 

She probably feels a few other things but there is definitely guilt for the way she treated him. To assuage it, she tries to engage with him but OP isn't having it. Makes her feel like she doesn't matter to him. Makes her feel like she lost control and power over him. It triggers a storm of emotions she's currently caught up in, which she wants to desperately squash which is another reason I suspect she contacts him for. To save face, she attempts to play this off in a calm demeanor but we can see it leak out in her little outbursts. That mind of hers is working overtime behind the scenes.

 

But, most of these emotions are self serving in nature and have nothing to do with what's best for OP. The minute she gets a hold of herself, and she will, she'll move on just as she originally wanted to.

 

- Beach

Edited August 7, 2018 by Beachead

[cooldude123]

Thanks all for your valuable feedback. I am not a psychologist, but i have seen some experts here in this forum, to guage the kind of certain disorders that many may have faced in their relationship. I have been very cautious going forward and thinking carefully in finding the right choice of my partner. I wanted to highlight some of the issues i faced with my ex in this 6 year long marraige -

 

We had our own SSM issues that i have discussed in my thread which is partly my fault too. Not everyone is perfect. Of course I do have my passive aggressive issues, silent types mistaken by my ex as silent treatment. But her reactions to my introvert behavior is usually explosive in nature. I have a bit of this being a "Too Nice Guy" or Nice Guy Syndrome and eventually realized that mistake as well.

I will list some of her characteristics and see if these ring a bell in any of your relationships and provide your points of view on what kind of a person i dealt with.

 

1) She used to verbally and emotionally abuse me until i felt very downtrodden and crying. Only then she used to console me. Initially she used to apologize but as time went by she stopped that completely.

2) Highly moody - she used to happy and moments later her mood swung to unhappiness treating me like dirt with abuse and discontent.

3) Never ever asked apology for anything wrong that she did. Expected me to apologize even for her faults / misdoings.

4) Sometimes disrespect me in public (not in front of friends) but general public by raising her voice against me.

5) Didn't socialize with me or gel with me well. Whenever i approached her intimately she allowed me to be intimate with her but never ever allowed sex. Used to give some or the other lame excuse and postpone it.

6) Hardly expressed her heart feelings. Did not allow me to express any of mine. Never once asked me how i felt when i was sad or upset. Always assumed that i was sad because of her.

7) Used her family (parents and brother) to rally against me and threaten separation every time an argument happened.

8) very discreet with money- never allowed a joint account, didnt even change her maiden last name to mine.

9) most of all, no trust in her heart for me. Mostly suspicious. She Thought i never loved her or cared for her. Even to this date she doesn't trust me for whatever reason.

10) Thought that i was gay at one point. She had lingering thoughts and had doubted me a lot quite some time until i gave an ultimatum and she finally stopped calling me that. But i am pretty sure her suspicion still holds good.

11) One day During Separation, when i apologized and validated something to her - she said she was bored of hearing same things again and again and wanted to hear something new from me!!!

12) She never posted pictures of us together on facebook or any social media. She was may be ashamed of me or something.

13) worst of all every occasion like our birthdays, valentines or marraige anniversary was mostly a disaster as she used to pick up some or the other fight / quarrel and make a miserable day out of it.

14) She said she never wanted to have a kid from a family like mine and if she ever did she would desert the kid in streets and leave me for good. This hurt me a lot. Fortunately she left me for good.

15) Hardly discussed about me with her friends. If she ever did it was generally neutral or negative.

16) One day she told me she dreamt having being loved by someone else other than me and was quite furious with me.

17) Repeated arguments of the past facts (Nonsense meaningless stuff) that she brought out regularly and was just unable to get out of that repetitive blame cycle.

18)During divorce she was so suspicious that she almost transferred $50K to some of her father account overseas thinking i would not know. I never ever questioned her on that although i knew the entire background scenes. But that is how much she trusted me! This is despite the fact that i had given her repeated assurances entire time that I would not be contesting the divorce.

Even regarding the money part that she has been offering me now Post divorce -

Mentioned her a thousand times I DO NOT WANT YOUR MONEY.

Mentioned her family many times that I DO NOT WANT HER MONEY.

I guess they are deaf or act as if they are deaf. What else Could i possibly do?

19) on a positive note she liked my company, spending time with each other, going out together, however that spark was always non existent.

 

Any viewpoints / feedback / perspectives on the above behavior is welcome!

[Ralph79]

Thanks all for your valuable feedback. I am not a psychologist, but i have seen some experts here in this forum, to guage the kind of certain disorders that many may have faced in their relationship. I have been very cautious going forward and thinking carefully in finding the right choice of my partner. I wanted to highlight some of the issues i faced with my ex in this 6 year long marraige -

 

We had our own SSM issues that i have discussed in my thread which is partly my fault too. Not everyone is perfect. Of course I do have my passive aggressive issues, silent types mistaken by my ex as silent treatment. But her reactions to my introvert behavior is usually explosive in nature. I have a bit of this being a "Too Nice Guy" or Nice Guy Syndrome and eventually realized that mistake as well.

I will list some of her characteristics and see if these ring a bell in any of your relationships and provide your points of view on what kind of a person i dealt with.

 

1) She used to verbally and emotionally abuse me until i felt very downtrodden and crying. Only then she used to console me. Initially she used to apologize but as time went by she stopped that completely.

2) Highly moody - she used to happy and moments later her mood swung to unhappiness treating me like dirt with abuse and discontent.

3) Never ever asked apology for anything wrong that she did. Expected me to apologize even for her faults / misdoings.

4) Sometimes disrespect me in public (not in front of friends) but general public by raising her voice against me.

5) Didn't socialize with me or gel with me well. Whenever i approached her intimately she allowed me to be intimate with her but never ever allowed sex. Used to give some or the other lame excuse and postpone it.

6) Hardly expressed her heart feelings. Did not allow me to express any of mine. Never once asked me how i felt when i was sad or upset. Always assumed that i was sad because of her.

7) Used her family (parents and brother) to rally against me and threaten separation every time an argument happened.

8) very discreet with money- never allowed a joint account, didnt even change her maiden last name to mine.

9) most of all, no trust in her heart for me. Mostly suspicious. She Thought i never loved her or cared for her. Even to this date she doesn't trust me for whatever reason.

10) Thought that i was gay at one point. She had lingering thoughts and had doubted me a lot quite some time until i gave an ultimatum and she finally stopped calling me that. But i am pretty sure her suspicion still holds good.

11) One day During Separation, when i apologized and validated something to her - she said she was bored of hearing same things again and again and wanted to hear something new from me!!!

12) She never posted pictures of us together on facebook or any social media. She was may be ashamed of me or something.

13) worst of all every occasion like our birthdays, valentines or marraige anniversary was mostly a disaster as she used to pick up some or the other fight / quarrel and make a miserable day out of it.

14) She said she never wanted to have a kid from a family like mine and if she ever did she would desert the kid in streets and leave me for good. This hurt me a lot. Fortunately she left me for good.

15) Hardly discussed about me with her friends. If she ever did it was generally neutral or negative.

16) One day she told me she dreamt having being loved by someone else other than me and was quite furious with me.

17) Repeated arguments of the past facts (Nonsense meaningless stuff) that she brought out regularly and was just unable to get out of that repetitive blame cycle.

18)During divorce she was so suspicious that she almost transferred $50K to some of her father account overseas thinking i would not know. I never ever questioned her on that although i knew the entire background scenes. But that is how much she trusted me! This is despite the fact that i had given her repeated assurances entire time that I would not be contesting the divorce.

Even regarding the money part that she has been offering me now Post divorce -

Mentioned her a thousand times I DO NOT WANT YOUR MONEY.

Mentioned her family many times that I DO NOT WANT HER MONEY.

I guess they are deaf or act as if they are deaf. What else Could i possibly do?

19) on a positive note she liked my company, spending time with each other, going out together, however that spark was always non existent.

 

Any viewpoints / feedback / perspectives on the above behavior is welcome!

 

She never liked my company and always had something or the other back of her mind against me. Even just before divorce she declared she had no feelings for me at all.

 

Dude,

 

You were in an emotionally abusive relationship as you have already stated. And it's hard to disassociate from that early on.

 

You were her punching bag for so long that you got used to it. You have every right to simply tell her to F off, or better yet ignore her completely .

 

I just wanted to quote you on an earlier post because at the very end of the list you tried to state a positive that probably wasn't there either. It's normal to try to find silver linings in these situations but there weren't any from what you stated.

[Marc878]

You must have been extremely codependent to take that kind of treatment.

[cooldude123]

Is it wrong to be codependent with your other half? I kinda obliged all her requests without hesitation.

Edited August 8, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Beachead]

Thanks all for your valuable feedback. I am not a psychologist, but i have seen some experts here in this forum, to guage the kind of certain disorders that many may have faced in their relationship. I have been very cautious going forward and thinking carefully in finding the right choice of my partner. I wanted to highlight some of the issues i faced with my ex in this 6 year long marraige -

 

<SNIP>

 

She was a real piece of work wasn't she? Sounded like the kind of crap I used to take.

 

When we don't have confidence in what we are doing or who we are, we will likely try to acquire it from others. As Marc878 put it, it makes a person co-dependant in a relationship. We become people pleasers and do for them everything they want, when they want, how they want because our desire to be loved and accepted is strong. We may also accept any kind of attention that comes our way..even if it is unhealthy and harmful attention because we don't believe we are worthy of anything better. We end up teaching people how to treat us by the way we treat ourselves. There are certain people with particular qualities who pick up on this vibe and pounce on it like a shark that detects blood in the water..it makes people who possess these qualities susceptable to abuse.

 

And that's what I gather from this list. You're very loyal and committed but likely that you have low self-esteem, low confidence, minimal self-respect or self-worth. If this is the case, then this is the reason why you endured this kind of treatment for so long. Because she was such a piece of sh*t..she took advantage of that.

 

I'm glad your open and asking questions about your situation. It means you will learn and get better.

 

- Beach

Edited August 11, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[cooldude123]

@Marc878 and ThreeRainbows

 

I think you're both right.

 

She probably feels a few other things but there is definitely guilt for the way she treated him. To assuage it, she tries to engage with him but OP isn't having it. Makes her feel like she doesn't matter to him. Makes her feel like she lost control and power over him. It triggers a storm of emotions she's currently caught up in, which she wants to desperately squash which is another reason I suspect she contacts him for. To save face, she attempts to play this off in a calm demeanor but we can see it leak out in her little outbursts. That mind of hers is working overtime behind the scenes.

 

But, most of these emotions are self serving in nature and have nothing to do with what's best for OP. The minute she gets a hold of herself, and she will, she'll move on just as she originally wanted to.

 

- Beach

 

What other reasons do u think she feels? Why would she have the guilt now since she had decided to leave me a long time ago? I am sure she would have seen this day coming in the future. I though she would be prepared to address it through some of her nonsensical thoughts. Its interesting and apoears she still has not informed our divorce to any of her friends. One of her mutual friend called and he spoke to me as if he had no idea.

[Beachead]

What other reasons do u think she feels? Why would she have the guilt now since she had decided to leave me a long time ago? I am sure she would have seen this day coming in the future. I though she would be prepared to address it through some of her nonsensical thoughts. Its interesting and apoears she still has not informed our divorce to any of her friends. One of her mutual friend called and he spoke to me as if he had no idea.

 

It's the fact that she is trying to stay in touch with you that makes me unapologetically generalize her. She spent all those years treating you like crap and now she wants to be civil and friendly? Why?

 

It's never about keeping in touch or being friends when it comes to this stuff.

 

She doesn't know what you've been up to because you haven't let her in which is honestly the best thing you could have done. So, the days have been accumulating without you and everyday you're not around, the reality of that divorce is seeping in little by little..with that reality, comes reflection of the relationship. With it, also comes the realization that she no longer has any power over you. If she treated you like crap, then it's likely she's reflecting on that as well because it's those unresolved thoughts that often make these exes want to be "civil" or "Friendly." They got things in their conscious they want to fix and they need you, in order to do it.

 

As for other reasons, I don't know exactly what they are..I just know if she's trying to stay connected to you, it's because she's thinking about everything.

 

Don't let it give you hope because it won't last. She wanted the divorce, there was a reason she wanted it, and that's what she still wants. Her trying to be friends or trying to keep in touch is just momentary weaknesses that will eventually subside. As soon as she finds a new man (Which she will), she'll treat you like you never existed. Believe that.

 

- Beach

Edited August 9, 2018 by Beachead

[Marc878]

She's like a child with a toy. She didn't want anything to do with it until it was taken away.

 

Stay dark. There is nothing there for you.