Author cooldude123 Posted February 28, 2019 Author Share Posted February 28, 2019 Hello Everybody, Been a long time and wanted to know how are things going on. Haven't visited this forum in a while as I have been fairly busy. but I thought of updating the latest happenings with my stitch. So Ex contacted me after a very long time (~1 year of separation and almost 7+ months after divorce). Woke up in the morning to see an email from her in my inbox. Says she contacted me solely as a friend, wellwisher and that she is happy and no regrets. She says she has grown up over the past year and advised me to take help from a sexual therapist to allegedly fix my impotency issues if at all it exists. And gave a list of medical terminologies and suggestions and ways to follow up with a urologist to get needed help. She also pointed out that she honestly doesnt know if it was a physical issue that restricted my sexual abilities with her or if it was just plainly because of HER. Finally says she is just looking for the good of me and my happiness. Obviously I wont be responding to such a frivolous email. But I wanted to know forum members suggestions and inputs on this. Hope to hear from you soon! Link to post Share on other sites
SevenCity Posted February 28, 2019 Share Posted February 28, 2019 You are right to ignore the email and just have her email address go to the spam folder. The email is fraught with “I’ve grown, let me help you get to where I am”. She has zero right to be doling out medical or psychological advice and again is just doing this to alieviate guilt and convince herself her decision was right. This does not come across as a true friend, nor will she ever be. Don’t fall for this thinly veiled attempt of her to “be the bigger person”. Just ignore and find a new chick. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cooldude123 Posted February 28, 2019 Author Share Posted February 28, 2019 Thanks SevenCity. Actually I am a bit confused as to why this was even sent out. I had at one time requested to come with me for sexual therapy. I had visited various sex therapists and although nothing was wrong i even took medications. I feel for a proper sexual relationship to occur the vibe and affection has to be from both sides. Both of us need to sacrifice be patient, listen to each other and address one other's concern. This email from her raises a lot of more questions than answers - clearly pointing out that this person doesn't have the patience or the moral values in case the partner falls ill. She will just leave him to die rather than working to find a solution. Link to post Share on other sites
Beachead Posted February 28, 2019 Share Posted February 28, 2019 (edited) Thanks SevenCity. Actually I am a bit confused as to why this was even sent out. I had at one time requested to come with me for sexual therapy. I had visited various sex therapists and although nothing was wrong i even took medications. I feel for a proper sexual relationship to occur the vibe and affection has to be from both sides. Both of us need to sacrifice be patient, listen to each other and address one other's concern. This email from her raises a lot of more questions than answers - clearly pointing out that this person doesn't have the patience or the moral values in case the partner falls ill. She will just leave him to die rather than working to find a solution. I'm glad to hear you're doing you're thing these days man. There's no direction or purpose in that email. It's a seed planting attempt to reel you in AKA breadcrumb. She feels unresolved over the way things ended and there is guilt over the way she may have been in the relationship. She is trying to soothe it but she needs you to do it, ergo 'friendly suggestions' hoping you'll accept the help so that she can feel better about herself. The other part to that is the separation anxiety that's generated of no longer knowing what you're up to. With that comes a loss of power. Your confusion is exactly why that email was sent out. Confusion means you ask questions that need answering which only she can answer which puts your mind right back onto her. You'll likely reach out to her. All I can say is, you two divorced and parted ways for a reason. I wouldn't respond. - Beach Edited February 28, 2019 by Beachead Link to post Share on other sites
Author cooldude123 Posted February 28, 2019 Author Share Posted February 28, 2019 Nice to hear from you Beach! Interesting viewpoints on what you mentioned.. looks like i should have straight away put this email in junk without even opening it. The only reason i had that email comms open for her was geniune divorce needs. Had communicated that clearly to her. But still she overstepped and sent me this email. Anyways will ignore. Link to post Share on other sites
Beachead Posted February 28, 2019 Share Posted February 28, 2019 @cooldude123 I remember my friend and that's perfectly fine. You had to keep the line open. Unfortunately, it's also how these exes of ours reel us back in. You're obviously free to respond but just for your well-being, I wouldn't. I have a feeling she'll exploit your kindness and suck you back in. - Beach Link to post Share on other sites
Author cooldude123 Posted March 1, 2019 Author Share Posted March 1, 2019 So unless she is very crystal clear that she wants to make it work geniunely, there is no point in me giving this any thought right? Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted March 1, 2019 Share Posted March 1, 2019 Bud she has shown you and told you who she is. At this time you are keeping yourself in this. Why? There is no reason to not block her email now. You will never move on fully by keeping this X in the mix. You are the only one that can keep yourself in this. Stop your hopium addiction 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author cooldude123 Posted March 1, 2019 Author Share Posted March 1, 2019 Ha ha.. i understand.. but sometimes its emotional thoughts that get into u.. i am going to stay away from any kind of response to her.. that is it.. Link to post Share on other sites
Beachead Posted March 1, 2019 Share Posted March 1, 2019 (edited) So unless she is very crystal clear that she wants to make it work geniunely, there is no point in me giving this any thought right? Exactly. No point whatsoever. Key thing to focus on when you find your thoughts creeping back up like this is why the divorce happened in the first place. What were the events that led up to it, how did you feel etc. I never been married but relationships are relationships regardless of the length and so I also had relapses and weak moments as well in my post breakup grief. When they happened, I always went back to my old journals where I had written down what had led to the breakup, how i felt, how she made me feel, the disrespectful things she did etc. - Beach Edited March 1, 2019 by Beachead Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted March 1, 2019 Share Posted March 1, 2019 Sometimes exes are like festering little splinters. They're just under the skin and don't bother you unless you apply pressure (or attention) to that area. Eventually, though, those festering splinters will come out pretty easily after they've been sitting there long enough and you can just pop them out and dispose of them for good. Send her email to your junk folder (or automatically delete them.) Otherwise, next you'll start getting emails about how she wants to be friends, yada, yada, yada, and she'll draw you right back in. Be an impenetrable brick wall. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cooldude123 Posted March 1, 2019 Author Share Posted March 1, 2019 Thats what i plan to do. I have been under the weather for the past few days and csusing me health agonies. This has driven me to become a bit sensitive although i am trying to look at the positive and brighter side of things. Hope i will come out of this cloud soon snd think in proper light. Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted March 1, 2019 Share Posted March 1, 2019 I would be offended by the email She contacts you, out of the blue, to basically say she's happy without you and to give you "friendly" recommendations for fixing yourself. Seriously? If that's her attempt to reel you back in then she's really clueless and full of ego. I would take it more as her making herself feel better by being such an awesome person she offers you friendship and ways to improve yourself. Sheesh. It would only help me in feeling fortunate to be out of that relationship and to want nothing to do with her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cooldude123 Posted March 1, 2019 Author Share Posted March 1, 2019 (edited) Well she has worded it in a diplomatic way. She says she honestly doesnt know if it was an issue that she caused that resulted in my impotence or if i was the reason. From my perpective, it was both sides. She used to be moody pretty much all day. She shut me down emotionally, i lost physical attraction and we ended up as friends. She even lost trust in me and started verbal abuse calling me impotent and gay which caused more distance and issues. We both lost faith in this relationship with the result of her divorcing me in the end. I was against divorce until the last minute. Anyways i feel issue has happened over both sides. At least I know my mistakes. I had even offered her to work together to fix it based on a sex therapist advice which she clearly refused saying she has no interest in working to fix this and wants a divorce. She had put on quite a lot of weight and i offered her to go together to gym( i used to go regularly). She vehemently refused. What else was i supposed to do? The only way for her to move on is to figure out her side of mistakes and understand which may take time. I am not here to give advice to her on that. Its upto her to figure out her issues and find the prince charming she wants in her life. We had a very pious relationship. Except for the sex i did everything from my end possible single handedly to save this relationship. She simply threw it away. It always requires two sides to make it work. Edited March 1, 2019 by cooldude123 Link to post Share on other sites
Beachead Posted March 2, 2019 Share Posted March 2, 2019 @cooldude123 It's just a question of what you do want? Do you want go back to her and try again or do you want to call it an era move forward because one thing I can tell you is you two won't be friends. You have to make a decision. Wavering thoughts is of no use to you. Keep it simple - Beach Link to post Share on other sites
Author cooldude123 Posted March 2, 2019 Author Share Posted March 2, 2019 @Beach There is no indication from her end that she wants to reconcile. Unless that message comes clear from her. I wont be doing any thinking of reconciliation. Its futile its waste of time. But of she clearly says she wants to get back and start over, it will be entirely a new relationship based on trust and respect for each other. Time will tell. Link to post Share on other sites
Beachead Posted March 3, 2019 Share Posted March 3, 2019 @Beach There is no indication from her end that she wants to reconcile. Unless that message comes clear from her. I wont be doing any thinking of reconciliation. Its futile its waste of time. But of she clearly says she wants to get back and start over, it will be entirely a new relationship based on trust and respect for each other. Time will tell. Okay. So then the possibility of a second run is still somewhat there for you. What I'd focus on then is figuring out if I could ever put the past to rest if she ever openly told me she wanted to try again. Because if you can't do that, the latter is never going to work out. You're better off closing this chapter off and never looking back again. But if it's still something you may consider, then the anger, the resentment, the lack of respect, the mistrust..it all has to go and it all has to be sorted if she ever brings it up. Be 2-3 steps ahead. Be ready. - Beach Link to post Share on other sites
Author cooldude123 Posted March 4, 2019 Author Share Posted March 4, 2019 Thanks @Beach. Yes that is exactly what i am looking for. A second run is only possible with the fact that she would respect me and then i can let go off all with honest mutual communication between both of us. If she is ready to put herself to this with stopping all that borderline abuses that she did and be honest with me then yes. If not I will not be able to do this. At this time i do not see anything of that sort coming out of her. So i highly doubt this would ever happen and I will continue moving on with my life. But really appreciate your advice. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts