BF cheated early in the relationship and...

[Astromantic312]

Ok people, I’m in a bit of a jam and people close to me can’t seem to give me helpful advice other than to follow my gut. I’ll try to include as many details as possible without dragging this on for too long, here goes.

 

I broke up with my boyfriend of 10 years in December 2016. I remained single for several months. I met a great guy who I instantly fell for around July/August 2017. We officially became a couple in October and he moved into my apartment by December. For this relationship I wanted to build trust between us so we both agreed to be completely open and honest and to have access to each others social media accounts and phones. We would spend every single moment together side from work. Things seemed to be going well until we got a little drunk at a holiday party. I found text conversations he’s been having with an ex and turns out he cheated on me.

I confronted him about it and we got into a big fight. He tried saying that I wasn’t exactly faithful either because I had a few text exchanges with my ex about giving back stuff I left at his place, we never crossed that line. I forgot to mention, my boyfriend doesn’t like me going places alone. I either go with him or bring a family member along, so yeah he’s a bit paranoid despite cheating on me. So I decided to forgive him but he had one demand, that he will cut all ties with his ex if I did the same, I agreed. I am determined to work hard at this to make it work but trust is a huge issue between the two of us. He wants to always keep tabs on me and I feel like he may still be talking to his ex.

 

I told my ex about this because I felt his pain because I’ve cheated on him multiple times while we dated. I apologized to him and said that maybe it’s karma or something. I also told my ex about what had happened. He told me that things do t look good at all and that the relationship is already damaged just months into it. This struck a nerve with me for some reason so I ended the conversation and blocked my ex’s number like my boyfriend told me to.

 

My friends and family told me the same but that I should do what I feel is best for me and that no matter what I decide they will always have my back. Currently we are still having trust issues but I want to work things through. What I want to know is where did I go wrong? What were the red flags I missed? Where can I go from here?

[littleblackheart]

I don't really think it matters how long you've been together. He was unfaithful, didn"t tell you, you had to find out by yourself, he got defensive and accusatory and since then, he's being paranoid - this does not scream happy ending to me.

 

My backstory is that my exH and I also had that intense start.

 

He became quickly mentally and emotionally extremely abusive to me (no detail, but it was very, very bad). We separated after a few years with some back and forth as he'd always managed to worm his way back in (they call it hoovering, I think) and as we had 2 young kids together, I stupidly considered getting back with him through a mix of moral duty, motherly guilt and being completely gaslighted.

 

Anyway. One day he used my laptop and left it open on his fb page - maybe purposefully, I don't know. Some weird vibe pushed me to look when I shouldn't have and I discovered a trail of messages. Like your bf, he became extremely defensive, made me feel really bad for reading and said a bunch of things that made no sense.

 

I didn't ask for details, I left for good and haven't looked back since. I now know he had multiple flings at various points during our relationship though tbh, on a scale of 1 to 10 of the things he did, cheating would be a 1.

 

So to sum up, your ex is right and he would know since you cheated on him - this relationship is doomed.

 

Don't stay with a cheating partner as some form of self-imposed punishment for having cheated in the past; this is not worth it.

 

And maybe reflect a little as to why you cheated on your ex partner yourself, so you don't repeat the circle.

 

Good luck.

[BaileyB]

All I needed to read was that you moved in with this guy after dating for two months... before you really knew him. BIG mistake. But, the BIG red flag he is waving from rooftop...

 

He doesn't like you going anywhere without him - he likes to keep tabs on you.

 

I would run, not walk, away from this guy... What do we know about him - he is a cheater, he is controlling, and this may well turn into emotionally abusive behavior... NEVER let a man control you in this way! Run, don't walk.

 

I think you need new girlfriends if they are not telling you to leave this cheating and controlling man! This will not get better, only worse. This kind of behavior is unacceptable in a relationship. It is a deal breaker.

Edited July 22, 2018 by BaileyB

[ExpatInItaly]

All I needed to read was that you moved in with this guy after dating for two months... before you really knew him. BIG mistake. But, the BIG red flag he is waving from rooftop...

 

He doesn't like you going anywhere without him - he likes to keep tabs on you.

I would run, not walk, away from this guy... What do we know about him - he is a cheater, he is controlling, and this may well turn into emotionally abusive behavior... NEVER let a man control you in this way! Run, don't walk.

 

I think you need new girlfriends if they are not telling you to leave this cheating and controlling man! This will not get better, only worse. This kind of behavior is unacceptable in a relationship. It is a deal breaker.

 

Exactly this. OP, what are you doing with this guy?

 

You can't go out without him or with a family member chaperoning you. Does that sound at all normal or healthy to you?

 

And why on earth was he living with you after just a few months of dating?

 

This relationship is not good, girl. Add in the fact that he cheated, lied and tried to manipulate you - and you should have been gone a long time ago.

 

Do you really not see how lopsided and dysfunctional this all is?

[smackie9]

The red flag is that you both insist on sharing access to each other's social media and cel phones, pw's, so you can monitor each other. What does that sound like? There is no trust, just paranoia, insecurity, and control. Unhealthy, sick situation. That's why these things don't work out ....ever.

 

 

Dump this chump.

[bathtub-row]

Your first mistake was moving in with this guy so quickly into your relationship. Him telling you to cut ties with certain people in your life because of something he did is completely ridiculous. Your gut should be telling you to run.

[Astromantic312]

Let me respond to a few of the questions I got. For a while I’ve been telling people that we both really love each other and that if I put everything into making this work we can pull through. I’m starting to have my doubts.

 

As for my ex, I cheated on him 4 times through out our 10 year relationship. I met another man towards the end of the relationship and decided to break up instead of cheating again. Things didn’t last with the “other” man. After I got cheated on it opened up my eyes and realized the immense pain I put my ex through, despite me cheating on him he was never controlling, never abusive, and always refused access to my phone even after I insisted. He was ok with me having nights out with my girls friends and never blew up my phone with text messages asking where I’m at. For that I felt guilty and apologized to him. There was more drama that went on but that’s it in a nutshell.

 

But yeah, I kept at it because I feel like this man is my future. I am still with him till this day and we still live together. Things aren’t easy and trust is a huge problem. I tell people that I’ve fonalky found true happiness but honestly, it came crashing down too soon. Like I said before, I believe it’s karma doing it’s thing.

[BaileyB]

Let me respond to a few of the questions I got. For a while I’ve been telling people that we both really love each other and that if I put everything into making this work we can pull through. I’m starting to have my doubts.

 

As for my ex, I cheated on him 4 times through out our 10 year relationship. I met another man towards the end of the relationship and decided to break up instead of cheating again. Things didn’t last with the “other” man. After I got cheated on it opened up my eyes and realized the immense pain I put my ex through, despite me cheating on him he was never controlling, never abusive, and always refused access to my phone even after I insisted. He was ok with me having nights out with my girls friends and never blew up my phone with text messages asking where I’m at. For that I felt guilty and apologized to him. There was more drama that went on but that’s it in a nutshell.

 

But yeah, I kept at it because I feel like this man is my future. I am still with him till this day and we still live together. Things aren’t easy and trust is a huge problem. I tell people that I’ve fonalky found true happiness but honestly, it came crashing down too soon. Like I said before, I believe it’s karma doing it’s thing.

 

Trust is a HUGE issue in your relationship, because neither of you have been faithful to the other. You actually broke up with the man, rather than cheat on him for the FIFTH time, and then the other relationship didn't work out... So you came back. With this new tidbit of info, I would tell him to run from you, if he was posting.

 

You have spent 10 years of your life on your relationship that clearly, isn't going to work out for you. What a lot of drama, and what a waste of time and energy.

 

In terms of unhealthy relationships on this board, this ranks right up there...

[Astromantic312]

Trust is a HUGE issue in your relationship, because neither of you have been faithful to the other. You actually broke up with the man, rather than cheat on him for the FIFTH time, and then the other relationship didn't work out... So you came back. With this new tidbit of info, I would tell him to run from you, if he was posting.

 

You have spent 10 years of your life on your relationship that clearly, isn't going to work out for you. What a lot of drama, and what a waste of time and energy.

 

In terms of unhealthy relationships on this board, this ranks right up there...

 

Yes, In my 10 year relationship we both failed each other and the guy I was seeing after that was a mistake. But, for the man I’m seeing now I’m trying so hard not to make the same mistakes. And yes, I’ve been told that I shouldn’t be the one to feel the need to put in the work when he did me wrong. I don’t know, I just wanted a clean slate, a fresh start. I admit that I’m just desperate to try to make this relationship work, I’m very conflicted.

 

I’m struggling with this everyday, flat out leave him or ride this out as long as possible in hopes that we can move past this.

Edited July 23, 2018 by Astromantic312
Typo

[DKT3]

Honestly, it sounds like you're incapable of having a healthy relationship. Couple that with the fact that you had three relationships in a 6 month period ending up with you moving in with one and believing you had a life partner after two months.

 

It appears on the surface, that you don't want to be on your own. You really need to be on your own, deal with your issues.

 

I don't condone cheating, however, I believe that YOU set the tone in your current relationship. Agreeing to have access to devices and be open, you failed by talking to your ex and withholding it. Now, with your history of cheating its unlikely you forgot to mention it, and more likely you attempted to conceal it. He found out, you didn't mention it boom his justification for cheating.

 

Sadly, you continue to display traits of a unfaithful woman, Contacting your ex, emotionally opened yourself up to him by discussing intimate details of your relationship. Jump over and read the other woman section, that is how most married women start down the path of infidelity.

 

Best bet, be on your own til you figure out why you cheated, left for a second man moved in with a third man in such a short period of time, there are some issues behind that behavior.

[ExpatInItaly]

But yeah, I kept at it because I feel like this man is my future. I am still with him till this day and we still live together. Things aren’t easy and trust is a huge problem. I tell people that I’ve fonalky found true happiness but honestly, it came crashing down too soon. Like I said before, I believe it’s karma doing it’s thing.

 

I am sure they know you're lying to yourself, OP. How is this relationship true happiness? It sounds bloody awful.

 

Don't let your pride get in the way of making healthy choices. Who cares what you told people before? Obviously, this is not what you envisioned for yourself. Do you stay because you believe you deserve this somehow, having cheated repeatedly in the past?

 

If you're looking for a steady and mature relationship, you're not going to find it with your current guy. It's already crashed and burned.

[BaileyB]

Yes, In my 10 year relationship we both failed each other and the guy I was seeing after that was a mistake. But, for the man I’m seeing now I’m trying so hard not to make the same mistakes. And yes, I’ve been told that I shouldn’t be the one to feel the need to put in the work when he did me wrong. I don’t know, I just wanted a clean slate, a fresh start. I admit that I’m just desperate to try to make this relationship work, I’m very conflicted.

 

I’m struggling with this everyday, flat out leave him or ride this out as long as possible in hopes that we can move past this.

 

If you want a fresh slate, I would suggest that you end this relationship and find someone else to date... there is too much water under this bridge to have a "fresh slate."

 

Honestly, if you are going to cheat again you might as well stay single... because, you are not a good or healthy partner if that is how you behave in relationships. Perhaps, you are meant to be single.

[Astromantic312]

I want to thank all of you for your input. It’s difficult to read and it does irk me but I feel like I need that kind of criticism. Friends and family are always on my side and they don’t give me that kind of input or voice their concerns.

 

Yes, I understand that my current relationship seemed doomed from the start but I’m willing to continue to try to make things work. Call me hard headed, stubborn, or too caught up in my pride to move on but I don’t want to let this one fail. Also I just want to clear this up, I only reached out to my ex because I left a ton of personal belongings at his apartment. Other than that I had no reason to ever contact him. I opened up to him about my situation to help explain why I was apologizing.

 

Again, I’ll keeo all of this in mind. Also, sucks for me to say this but if things between us crash and burn I’ll let everyone here know. But until then I will continue to give it my all to make this work.

[d0nnivain]

I met a great guy who I instantly fell for around July/August 2017. We officially became a couple in October and he moved into my apartment by December.

 

* * *

 

What I want to know is where did I go wrong? What were the red flags I missed? Where can I go from here?

 

The timing was the red flag you missed. You essentially moved in with a stranger. You never had enough time to develop trust. You need to date people for at least one full year before you even talk about cohabitating. You rush into things & this is what happens.

 

You also substituted passwords for concrete info about your new BF's character. Moving in 90 days after you became official -- you had no meaningful understanding about his core values.

 

 

My suggestion, you break up with him. You spend at least one year alone, working on your values, since you were a cheater in the past & see what has to change in your life in order for you to be faithful & find a faithful partner.

 

If you are determined to try to make this work, I think you & your BF would benefit from some counseling & a few self help books about developing good moral character.

[Astromantic312]

The timing was the red flag you missed. You essentially moved in with a stranger. You never had enough time to develop trust. You need to date people for at least one full year before you even talk about cohabitating. You rush into things & this is what happens.

 

You also substituted passwords for concrete info about your new BF's character. Moving in 90 days after you became official -- you had no meaningful understanding about his core values.

 

 

My suggestion, you break up with him. You spend at least one year alone, working on your values, since you were a cheater in the past & see what has to change in your life in order for you to be faithful & find a faithful partner.

 

If you are determined to try to make this work, I think you & your BF would benefit from some counseling & a few self help books about developing good moral character.

 

 

I don’t think he would ever want to do counseling. His attitude is that we just put the past behind us and go on as normal, but it’s hard to just forget. With the restrictions I’ve agreed to it doesn’t seem right. I’ve spoken to coworkers about this and they all say the same, I rushed into this. One even saying that I so desperately tried to force my new boyfriend into the stage of the relationship I was last at with my previous long term. I understand now that you just can’t force it.

 

After thinking about all this I realized where I went wrong. For example, why should I stop talking to certain people if he’s the one who cheated? I know what I must do but I’m so scared of being alone, feeling like I put in everything I had and still failed. Give me your strength.

[ExpatInItaly]

This isn't about you being hard-headed or stubborn and forcing this relationship to work. It's about a lack of self-respect and fear of being alone. You're letting the latter override your common sense.

 

It won't work, OP. You two have already have so much toxicity that it will continue to infect your future together, especially considering your guy doesn't care enough to do anything but "put the past in the past." That never works after a relationship is so badly damaged.

 

You dove in without knowing exactly how deep the deep end was. And you don't have a healthy enough idea of true love to recognize that this ain't it.

[Astromantic312]

Thank you all for the advice, even the stuff I didn’t like to read. I know what I need to do but right now I can’t just leave him. I know it’s a bad idea but I want to give this my all.

[ExpatInItaly]

Thank you all for the advice, even the stuff I didn’t like to read. I know what I need to do but right now I can’t just leave him. I know it’s a bad idea but I want to give this my all.

 

Why not, exactly?

 

A fear of being alone? Of feeling like you failed?

[d0nnivain]

I know what I must do but I’m so scared of being alone, feeling like I put in everything I had and still failed. Give me your strength.

 

Until you become comfortable in your own skin issues like this will recur. You need better self esteem.

 

Since he won't go to counseling, you go for yourself. Make yourself stronger & more self reliant. Then you won't feel compelled to move in with somebody just to not be alone. You also won't cheat because you won't need the instant gratification & ego boost from somebody else to feel valuable.

[Astromantic312]

Why not, exactly?

 

A fear of being alone? Of feeling like you failed?

 

Both but more so the feeling of failure. Going into my current relationship I didn’t want to make the same mistakes I did in my last one so I thought that if we shared everything together we’d have complete trust and honesty. Clearly that didn’t stop him from cheating. Maybe it’s karma for me being so ****ty to my ex, who knows.

[Astromantic312]

Just want to give people an update. My boyfriend and I are workin thins out and so far it’s been great. He’s done a complete 180 and is actually putting in the effort. We just celebrated my birthday with both our families there and it was so wonderful.

 

Things seemed doomed, I know, but now our future together looks bright. I appreciate all the advice I’ve gotten, it’s something that I’ve put a lot of thought into. If things ever get bad again I’ll know what to do but right now I don’t see that ever happening again.

[ExpatInItaly]

It's easy to put in a lot of effort and do a complete 180 in the 7 days since your last update.

 

Now if he can keep that up for 7 months? Much better. Consistency is going to be key here, OP. Watch and observe. See what happens in the coming weeks and months.

 

Just don't go putting all your egg in a newly-constructed basket and assume it's going to hold up well forever and ever, when the previous baskets made by the same factory fell apart so badly.