Having a partner with long-term depression and anxiety

[JuneL]

Does anyone have experience with such a partner? Is it a very lonely experience? When you want to share your setbacks in life, you’re concerned that it might exacerbate her anxiety/depression; when you have disagreement or conflicts, you might not be able to talk things out because they may overreact and cause more drama.

 

Would you get into a serious relationship with or marry someone with long-term depression and anxiety?

[Gaeta]

This person would have to have a lot of self-awareness, he would need to recognize the early signs of a bout of depression, he'd need to be medicated if needed, he'd need to have a support system like a group and a family doctor, etc. If this man had it together before I entered the picture I would date him and see how I fit in all this. I know people with depression that are very strong and positive between their bouts of depression. I would not chose to be with someone that is emotionally 'weak' (for lack of better word) all year long, and cannot be a moral support to me under any circumstances. That is not the life I envision for myself and my old days.

[Gretchen12]

I thought I would, and I tried. But he shut down so that ended the dating. Never got very far. Would I do it again? Probably not, because I don't think I'd make it past dating to actually being a partner. I'd do a lot for a partner, not for a date.

[Happy Lemming]

I've been in a long term relationship with my girlfriend (6.5 years). She suffers from depression. The doctors have tried a myriad of medications, often combining two together. At one point, they took her off everything (for some reason) and things went downhill, quick. So they put her back on a different medication. Presently, her doctor wanted to try a different prescription, but the insurance company wouldn't approve it (very expensive) After filling out a bunch of paperwork, the drug company is going to donate this new drug (free of charge) for her to try. We have high hopes, cross your fingers.

 

My girlfriend tried "Group Therapy" but didn't like it and it didn't help. She likes her "one on one" counselor and that seems to help.

 

I can't say we have huge arguments, just minor skirmishes, but they are usually about small things that can be easily resolved. We don't live together, so I can't speak to any day to day arguments, that we could have if we were under the same roof 24/7.

 

As far as what exasperates her condition, lack of money, or a tough month financially will make her spiral a bit. Also, she'll be reading facebook about other family members bragging about stuff and that will cause her depression increase, as well. I told her to stay off facebook and that aspect will go away.

 

As far as my setbacks, they don't cause her to spiral. She offers good intelligent advice to me. We are able to talk things out, for the most part. Of course, I'm called "cheap" on a weekly basis, but I wear that as a "badge of honor"; it doesn't hurt my feelings.

 

In conclusion, 6.5 years is by far my longest relationship with any woman. Although the depression is constantly in the background, the medications keep it at bay. The key is finding a good doctor that is willing to try different drugs or a combination of drugs.

 

My post is my opinion, based on my experiences, your situation may differ.

 

Best of luck!!

Edited July 22, 2018 by Happy Lemming

[Els]

Just like any other illness, there's a wide range of functioning-levels for people with depression and anxiety, ranging from those who have an episode every week or so and refuse to seek help for it, to those who are managing it so well with treatment/cognitive behavioural therapy that most people don't even know they have it and even a close partner would only very rarely see a manifestation of it.

 

I have never had a partner with anxiety, but I AM the partner with anxiety; the SO still chose to marry me, apparently. But regarding your points - "when you want to share your setbacks in life, you’re concerned that it might exacerbate her anxiety/depression" has never happened for us, and "when you have disagreement or conflicts, you might not be able to talk things out because they may overreact and cause more drama" has not really happened more often for us than it has for any other couple without the illness IMO.

 

I personally think that everyone has their flaws, and a well-managed/treated mental illness is a flaw like any other. I would have no issues being in a LTR/marriage with someone with anxiety/depression, as long as they were aware of it, willing to seek treatment, and do their best to keep it from impinging on our relationship.

Edited July 22, 2018 by Elswyth

[JuneL]

Thank you for all the helpful feedback. The woman in the case I had in mind has constant emotional needs, but doesn’t seem to be able to provide moral support (though she has a kind heart). Her guy is on the snappy side, and complains about having to walk on eggshells.

[BaileyB]

Thank you for all the helpful feedback. The woman in the case I had in mind has constant emotional needs, but doesn’t seem to be able to provide moral support (though she has a kind heart). Her guy is on the snappy side, and complains about having to walk on eggshells.

 

Is that related to the depression, or is that actually her personality?

 

There are a lot of emotionally needy women (and men) out there... Is it possible that it is the dynamic of both partners, and the relationship...

[alphamale]

Would you get into a serious relationship with or marry someone with long-term depression and anxiety?

 

what do you mean by "long-term depression"? do you mean untreatable depression. do you mean situational depression or clinical depression? is the anxiety treatable with drugs and therapy? does the person want to get better?

[JuneL]

Is that related to the depression, or is that actually her personality?

 

There are a lot of emotionally needy women (and men) out there... Is it possible that it is the dynamic of both partners, and the relationship...

 

That’s a good question. The woman has been taking meds for a formally diagnosed mental condition for years. I’m honestly not sure how much of her emotional needs are due her condition vs. personality; likewise, I’m also not sure how much of her inability to provide moral support is due to her condition as opposed to her lack of ability in understanding certain things.

[darkmoon]

"walking on eggshells"

 

 

I knew somebody for whom bullying was no big deal because they were ill, but it is in fact, intolerable

 

 

if she is bullying, she is NPD, a narcissist who understandably would keep this diagnosis to herself

 

 

take it from me, sooner or later, your friend will need therapy cuz of the bullying, so he must leave now, or at least ghost a bit

Edited July 29, 2018 by darkmoon

[Lessonsinlove]

It's difficult...Very

 

You need to know how to handle it. You need to make sure they are aware they have a problem and that they seek out the help they need.

 

They will withdraw from you and make themselves distant, and you need to be ready for that and not take it personally. I found it helpful if I took charge of certain situations and made her do activities or go to places. Other times it helps to back off. It's getting the right balance.

 

Medication will help. I found it usually dulls their emotions makes them a bit more "chill" (her terminology not mine) If they come off then they will soon return to their past state of mind. I found she went from being very needy when not on medication, then when she started it felt like she was falling out of love with me. Not the case obviously but it's strange.

 

She was irritable a lot of the time, and mentally exhausted, often felt lonely despite having lots of friends. Would often lash out at me because I was the closest person to her. Because of her struggle and because her mind was so occupied by depression and thoughts, to others she would seem self absorbed or selfish, but that wasn't the case. She was good at hiding her mood because she was so used to doing it. They forget a lot because their minds are constantly racing.

 

You have to be that positive person in their world full of negative thoughts.

[preraph]

If the person is always like that, they're just an unhappy person who isn't going to change. If they have some sort of clinical depression, usually it can be improved some with meds. Anxiety can be improved with meds.

 

Being jolly around a depressed person will probably just annoy them.

[major_merrick]

As others have said, it depends greatly on the person's self-awareness.

 

My husband isn't exactly depressed, but he has things from the past that weigh on him mentally at times. There's PTSD involved too. But he is quite aware of it, and if I've forgotten that there's a time or event that will trigger him, he reminds me. The best thing for him is distraction - being busy helps him forget all about it. With our large family, his work, his community involvement, etc.. he has basically no time to sit around and brood. We still deal with the nightmares, but it is quite manageable.

 

My mother-in-law has significant depression. She has medication for another condition that has a side effect of improving her mood. For her, beyond the meds it is an issue of avoiding certain topics or situations. Like my husband, she lets us know when things are getting uncomfortable.