Comments about other women

[SunGenie]

I'm not a jealous wife, I just want a husband who treats me with respect. Is it too much to ask a husband not to oogle other women in his wife's presence? I don't care if he stares, just don't do it intentionally in front of me to provoke jealousy.

 

 

Here are examples of what my husband says to me (after I've repeatedly asked him to keep his locker room talk to himself or his buddies).

 

 

Did ya hear that reporter who made a comment about that olympian being a "tasty piece of ass?". The reporter never said "tasty", he said "hot". Yes I read about it, don't care to discuss it, doesn't interest me.

 

 

Scantily clad woman on tv walks into a kitchen "WOW NICE APARTMENT!" (laughs). Then says "I felt uncomfortable knowing you might think I'm oogling her so I cracked a joke". My reply "Don't toot your own horn, I was more interested in the male character with his shirt off but unlike you, I keep those thoughts to myself".

 

 

Yea my buddy married this woman that the rest of our friends took turns "f**king her in the ass". We warned him not to marry her! I said "Well were you one of the gang bang?".... "Oh no, I just heard about it".

 

 

Girl jogging down the street "Honey, you better get over on the sidewalk". I told him it was not cool to address other women (especially as strangers) as Honey.

 

 

I guess he enjoys pushing my buttons. I try not to react but he thinks I'm just jealous.

 

 

I am far from jealous, I get disgusted and repulsed seeing my husband talk like a cad.

 

 

After repeated requests to stop saying crap like that in front of me, I decided everytime he can't keep his trap shut and says a rude comment about another woman, I withdraw $200 out of our joint checking account. (I have my own seperate accounts).

 

 

I have begun making comments back to him, firetruck goes by... "WOW, check out the hot firemen, big hoses, I mean the shiney nice firetruck".

 

 

Funny how he can dish it out but can't take it. Men will be men but it's such a huge turnoff to me when my own husband forgets I'm his wife and thinks I'm an old army buddy and says inappropriate remarks about women, intentionally, to make me jealous.

 

 

Being married to this man has not been easy either. He has ED so we have NO sex life. You'd think he would be more worried about me wanting other men since I'm still young and have needs.

 

 

Why do men say stupid things like this in front of their wives or girlfriends? I find it disrespectful. And it makes me look at my husband with disgust. It's damaging our marriage, which has been hard from the beginning.

[anika99]

Okay so to your first example, I'm not sure that was a sign of disrespect. If that was a current story in your local news I see no problem in your husband bringing it up for casual discussion.

 

To your second example is it possible there is some truth to what he said? Have you made this such an issue that your husband now feels stressed every time an attractive is seen by both of you?

 

Example 4 - who knows?

 

Example 5 - I agree with you. Its not appropriate for him to call strangers honey. Its not just disrespectful towards you, its also demeaning to the person he is addressing.

 

Okay so overall I think your husband does need to be more mindful of your feelings and take what you say more seriously. However since you have resorted to theft of your marital funds and acting the same as your husband you have no moral high ground here. I suggest you stop stealing money from your joint account and instead book an appointment with a marriage counselor.

[Mr. Lucky]

Being married to this man has not been easy either. He has ED so we have NO sex life. You'd think he would be more worried about me wanting other men since I'm still young and have needs.

 

In the newspaper business, this is called "burying the lead". You've put what should be the headline deep in the article.

 

It's amazing how, when the sexlife is good, many of these smaller problems melt away. You're obviously resentful as would be most people in similar circumstances. Has your H sought treatment for his ED? What conversations have you had with him about it?

 

Mr. Lucky

[BaileyB]

In the newspaper business, this is called "burying the lead". You've put what should be the headline deep in the article.

 

Absolutely agree!

 

Men make stupid comments like this all the time... For the most part, it’s like water off a ducks back. But, there is a line... and when they cross the line and show no remorse or consideration for your feelings... or when other things are not good in your relationship, it becomes harder to ignore these little comments.

[SunGenie]

The marital funds are basically all of my salary. I work full-time, my husband has his own business and works part-time. I've provided for us while he "gets his business off the ground". I don't call it stealing when it's money I have earned. He is lucky I agreed to a joint checking account as he spends $100 on a fish tank and thinks it's nothing.

 

 

In a nutshell, my husband withholds affection and intimacy from me because he has ED. He could do a million other things to try and show affection but since he can't get it up, he withholds all affection. Yet when he sees an attractive woman he makes it known to me blatantly. It hurts. I feel rejected enough going without a sexual relationship.

 

 

Yes he has tried viagra, injections - which nothing happens at all. This is why it bothers me so much when he comments about other women, makes me think he prefers the unattainable.

 

 

Thanks everyone for your responses.

Edited July 23, 2018 by SunGenie

[Mr. Lucky]

Yes he has tried viagra, injections - which nothing happens at all. This is why it bothers me so much when he comments about other women, makes me think he prefers the unattainable.

 

 

Thanks everyone for your responses.

 

 

Absent nerve damage, significant injury or paralysis, I've never heard of untreatable ED. Have you gone with him to these Dr appointments? If he's a fairly young man, something doesn't add up...

 

Mr. Lucky

[shydad]

In addition to the complexities added by ED, there appears to be a communication problem as well. If you both want the relationship to last, there needs to be better communication. Couples counseling could be extremely helpful, if you're both receptive to allowing a trained professional provide a game plan. I received services through the YWCA, and was impressed (they are also ridiculously cheap, if cost is an issue). Keep in mind that both you and your husband must both want it to work, and both be willing to accept responsibility for making changes. If either of you only blames the other and takes no responsibility, there isn't much point...

 

https://www.ywca.org/

 

I would think that if he knows what he says hurts you, he would stop. Have you been direct with him? Have you said "We need to have a talk.", and had a serious talk about this? What I've read implies hinting but not directly telling him what is bothering you, and what needs to change. Given how important this is, I would not assume he understands the problem, until you've had a serious talk.

[Whoknew30]

I personally like it when my H treats me like his friend & IMO honey, sweetheart, ext...doesn’t bother me bc men say things like that to me in a non sexual way all the time. May I ask, do you get attention from other men?

 

In personal experience,I see women that tend to get looks & attention from other men usually don’t get upset when their H looks or says something bc they’re used to it...& or women that grow up around a lot of men & themselves understand it’s just them talking.

 

It sounds like his ED has made you insecure, which is a tough spot but that may be the reason you have a more just friendship based relationship. I hope He eventually gets the fix he needs & hopefully get better for you. I think without the physical it’s understandable a marriage would have a different dynamic.

[darkmoon]

why are you with him? masochism?

[Lotsgoingon]

Seriously every one of those comments would tick me off ... and I'm a man and a man who doesn't expect a partner to shut her eyes to good-looking men.

 

There is a way to note the beauty of other women while also affirming your wife's beauty ... and this guy ain't got a clue about it.

 

In fact, I find his comments about women more obnoxious than offensive. Obnoxious because they are gratuitous and aren't even funny or witty. His comments are basically immature, high-school, brain-dead ... the thinking and reactions of someone who has nothing else going on in his life.

 

And ... then you mention ED ... as in the dude can't have sex with you ...

 

And ... you are the breadwinner and he works part-time in a business you don't sound convinced is even a serious business.

 

Relationships can survive ED and many other health conditions--if the partners treat each other really well on in multiple areas. If this guy knew how to nurture you and treat you well and respect you, you could possibly look past the ED.

 

Here's a question: Does your hubby give you long, sensual massages and tender touching--things can do even with ED?

 

Followup question: at this point, do you even want this guy to touch you sensually and sexually?

 

Seriously, he's immature, he lives off you ... he's disrespectful of you ... he's immature and obnoxious in being disrespectful to you ... he doesn't give you physical affection.

 

Why are you with this guy again? Probably because you're embarrassed about how bad he is. So you keep trying to wake yourself up from this nightmare.

 

When can you schedule a meeting with the divorce attorney?

[Overtaxed]

I personally like it when my H treats me like his friend & IMO honey, sweetheart, ext...doesn’t bother me bc men say things like that to me in a non sexual way all the time. May I ask, do you get attention from other men?

 

Yeah, in some ways, I can agree with this. He's "letting you in" like he would a close male friend, because, like it or not, that's how men often talk around other men. It may mean he views you as his "inner circle", that's often how men talk when they are around others that they trust. He should still tone it down, there's a line between "your my friend" and "I'm saying things that are going to trigger you". The easiest example of this, guys often call each other "gay" or "a fag", but, when you're with a gay man, you don't say things like this, you are sensitive to the fact that there are people who will be hurt by your comments, which your H should be, even though he wants to bring you into his "inner circle" there are things that just aren't said to women.

 

To the ED issue, something is going on here. Especially if he's tried injections?? Those don't have a "failure rate" absent major physical issues. It's like taping popsicle sticks to your penis, it's gonna make it stand up. I would dig in on this, especially if you weren't there, I've never heard of this "not working". How old is he? Any major health issues?

[Veronica73]

In personal experience,I see women that tend to get looks & attention from other men usually don’t get upset when their H looks or says something bc they’re used to it...& or women that grow up around a lot of men & themselves understand it’s just them talking.

 

Personally, I completely disagree, which may speak to different cultures to geographical areas or whatever. But when I was married, if my husband had said those things I would have felt completely disrespected. Plus I would have been “Who the eff did I marry?” I should be his queen, (and I treated him the same way). Plus I didn’t think I married a man who has nothing more interesting to say about women than what he thinks about how they look. This guy sounds like 16 year old boy trying to impress the cool guys he admires or something. Yuck. And I had no shortage of attention from men, whatsoever. But for someone I actually married, I’d expect better of him.

 

He sounds pathetic.

[FMW]

Lotsgoingon, Overtaxed and Veronica hit all the pertinent issues, in my view.

 

He's being hurtful and disrespectful to you.

[Whoknew30]

Personally, I completely disagree, which may speak to different cultures to geographical areas or whatever. But when I was married, if my husband had said those things I would have felt completely disrespected. Plus I would have been “Who the eff did I marry?” I should be his queen, (and I treated him the same way). Plus I didn’t think I married a man who has nothing more interesting to say about women than what he thinks about how they look. This guy sounds like 16 year old boy trying to impress the cool guys he admires or something. Yuck. And I had no shortage of attention from men, whatsoever. But for someone I actually married, I’d expect better of him.

 

He sounds pathetic.

 

I look At what you just said as on of the reasons men lie so much to their wives. Other people outside one’s marriage are attractive, it’s extremely ridiculous to think that any spouse is never going to think another is attractive. I would Ask “who did I marry“ of a man that had to pretend he never looked at another woman bc I’d know he’d be lying.

 

I live in America, east coast city & all my friends are happily married, attractive, successful women that this sort of thing doeant bother. Lol my friends & I are actually the one’s that point out a hot woman before our husbands! We appreciate good looking people! It’s a little funny locker room talk.

[Whoknew30]

Yeah, in some ways, I can agree with this. He's "letting you in" like he would a close male friend, because, like it or not, that's how men often talk around other men. It may mean he views you as his "inner circle", that's often how men talk when they are around others that they trust. He should still tone it down, there's a line between "your my friend" and "I'm saying things that are going to trigger you". The easiest example of this, guys often call each other "gay" or "a fag", but, when you're with a gay man, you don't say things like this, you are sensitive to the fact that there are people who will be hurt by your comments, which your H should be, even though he wants to bring you into his "inner circle" there are things that just aren't said to women.

 

To the ED issue, something is going on here. Especially if he's tried injections?? Those don't have a "failure rate" absent major physical issues. It's like taping popsicle sticks to your penis, it's gonna make it stand up. I would dig in on this, especially if you weren't there, I've never heard of this "not working". How old is he? Any major health issues?

 

You’re right! I’ve always been in the inner guy circle. I had so many males in my family & brothers then add their friends around all the tome...it’s extremely natural to me...& I agree it’s nice as a woman for men to let me “in” bc they do trust me. After all these years, I’ve learned just accept men for being men.

 

Which i think is going in here. He has ED & since they haven’t been sexually active...he’s looking at her more as just a friend than a wife. I think if they were having sex, either he wouldn’t be talking this way or it wouldn’t bother her so much.

[Veronica73]

I look At what you just said as on of the reasons men lie so much to their wives. Other people outside one’s marriage are attractive, it’s extremely ridiculous to think that any spouse is never going to think another is attractive. I would Ask “who did I marry“ of a man that had to pretend he never looked at another woman bc I’d know he’d be lying.

 

I live in America, east coast city & all my friends are happily married, attractive, successful women that this sort of thing doeant bother. Lol my friends & I are actually the one’s that point out a hot woman before our husbands! We appreciate good looking people! It’s a little funny locker room talk.

 

That’s cool. I’m glad that works out for you. It doesn’t work out for the op. She finds it disrespectful and has told her husband so, and he continues doing it. (But no, according to you she must be unattractive ) Of course married people find other people attractive. I’m of the opinion you don’t need to blurt out every stupid thing that crosses your mind. There is a reason it is called locker room talk.

[Whoknew30]

That’s cool. I’m glad that works out for you. It doesn’t work out for the op. She finds it disrespectful and has told her husband so, and he continues doing it. (But no, according to you she must be unattractive ) Of course married people find other people attractive. I’m of the opinion you don’t need to blurt out every stupid thing that crosses your mind. There is a reason it is called locker room talk.

 

Completely understandable some people cannot handle certain things said but if you read OP other post, she has struggled with insecurities since early in her marriage. I think She thought she could handle the ED but unfortunately it’s evidently an issue. She was also upset he had female friends that he never told her about...after reading, I personally Think he’s doing things to on purpose to get her goat. Which men will do when they are fed up with nagging.

 

Yes, insecurities definitely can play a role in being easily offended by what a SO says. I’ve personally seen it many times. IMO it’s just how well one knows the opposite sex. You yourself know men speak this way but you’d rather pretend they don’t bc it’s upsets you...who has the issue? The man just being himself or you that can’t handle your SO being themself? You can’t possibly think that men want to listen to all the insignificant stuff women say? But they’ll do it bc that’s who that women is & they’re not trying to change her.

 

It’s quite ironic isn’t it? Women generally (wives especially) want to be their husband’s best friends & then freak out over them treating them like one. This is why men sometimes will open to other women in emotional ways...they can’t be their full self in front of their wives/girl friends & then the woman will swear she’s been so open & can’t understand why her SO doesn’t open up to her.

[Veronica73]

Completely understandable some people cannot handle certain things said but if you read OP other post, she has struggled with insecurities since early in her marriage. I think She thought she could handle the ED but unfortunately it’s evidently an issue. She was also upset he had female friends that he never told her about...after reading, I personally Think he’s doing things to on purpose to get her goat. Which men will do when they are fed up with nagging.

 

Yes, insecurities definitely can play a role in being easily offended by what a SO says. I’ve personally seen it many times. IMO it’s just how well one knows the opposite sex. You yourself know men speak this way but you’d rather pretend they don’t bc it’s upsets you...who has the issue? The man just being himself or you that can’t handle your SO being themself? You can’t possibly think that men want to listen to all the insignificant stuff women say? But they’ll do it bc that’s who that women is & they’re not trying to change her.

 

It’s quite ironic isn’t it? Women generally (wives especially) want to be their husband’s best friends & then freak out over them treating them like one. This is why men sometimes will open to other women in emotional ways...they can’t be their full self in front of their wives/girl friends & then the woman will swear she’s been so open & can’t understand why her SO doesn’t open up to her.

 

I'm not pretending anything. You kind of are coming across like one of those people who thinks their relationship is so much better and stronger than other people's because the spouses fart and crap in front of each other. Whatever floats your boat, but personally, I like a little privacy. I never treated my husband like he was my girlfriend, and he didn't talk to me like I was a guy friend. Not all men are the same, not all women are the same, different kinds of relationships work for different people. I certainly never felt that I was more prone to cheat because I couldn't blabber on about whatever I wanted to him. And there was no way in hell he would have been okay with my talking about other men in front of him, the way the op's husband talks. I think it is about consideration and treating your partner with respect.

[FMW]

Exactly, I agree with Veronica.

 

Women know men talk trash with each other, just as we do with our girlfriends. But the majority of us don't want to be treated like "one of the guys" and hear the trash. It shows a lack of respect and acknowledgment of us as a woman - not just a buddy.

 

My xH started treating me as a "buddy" the last half of our marriage. It turned out to be his passive aggressive way of hurting me for resentments he had against me.

[Whoknew30]

I'm not pretending anything. You kind of are coming across like one of those people who thinks their relationship is so much better and stronger than other people's because the spouses fart and crap in front of each other. Whatever floats your boat, but personally, I like a little privacy. I never treated my husband like he was my girlfriend, and he didn't talk to me like I was a guy friend. Not all men are the same, not all women are the same, different kinds of relationships work for different people. I certainly never felt that I was more prone to cheat because I couldn't blabber on about whatever I wanted to him. And there was no way in hell he would have been okay with my talking about other men in front of him, the way the op's husband talks. I think it is about consideration and treating your partner with respect.

 

Perfect example how women can add more to a conversation then what is said.

 

I never once stated my realtionship is better...it’s about truly accepting one’s SO for who they are. You repeat “you & your H” but at the end of the day whatever dynamic there was, it ultimately didn’t work bc as you stated your marriage ended in divorce. Which is my point, no one is perfect & when we love someone we love their faults too, if we don’t we shouldn’t be in that marriage. These are things life experience has taught me.

 

Privacy is fine but if you can’t say in front of your SO what you do in front your gf, then what you’re saying is you’re 100% yourself in front of your friends but not your SO. I’ve been there & i personally wouldn’t want to go back to that. I like To be loved in a “no matter what way” & I like to give the same type of love. Too each is own but I’ve been on both sides of the fence of it & 100% acceptance is way better. I can now after all these years say “my husband is truly my best friend” & IMO it’s the best kind of relationship to have. I find It disrespectful to have to behave differently in front of someone I love.

 

So why some women would be pouting in a situation like this...some would laugh it off & continue to enjoy their night be. Who’s going to be having the better night?

[Whoknew30]

Exactly, I agree with Veronica.

 

Women know men talk trash with each other, just as we do with our girlfriends. But the majority of us don't want to be treated like "one of the guys" and hear the trash. It shows a lack of respect and acknowledgment of us as a woman - not just a buddy.

 

My xH started treating me as a "buddy" the last half of our marriage. It turned out to be his passive aggressive way of hurting me for resentments he had against me.

 

Your ex didn’t start treating you like one of the guys...he knew your insecurities & used them against you on purpose, which is different.

[Timshel]

Op's husband sounds disrespectful and a twit.

 

 

 

Your ex didn’t start treating you like one of the guys...he knew your insecurities & used them against you on purpose, which is different.

 

 

This is a prime example of a disrespectful twit. Hence the ex part.

 

 

Speaking for myself, people observing and beauty appreciation will never be a problem between my husband and I. If he was having fun with using intimacies against me, then we have a problem. We won't but OP does, that should be enough for her husband but it is not.

 

 

OP, your spouse should be your most trusted friend. If he is hurting you and does not care, he is not your friend and a piss poor spouse to boot.

[Veronica73]

Exactly, Timshel.

 

Privacy is fine but if you can’t say in front of your SO what you do in front your gf, then what you’re saying is you’re 100% yourself in front of your friends but not your SO.

 

This is so ridiculous. That isn't what I am saying at all. Considerate people take other people's feelings into account. Especially best friends. My ex-husband was my best friend. And he still is, even though we are no longer married. And my girl friends know me about a tenth as well as my ex-husband does. Maybe I'm exaggerating a little, but nobody knows me better than my ex.

 

I guess I'm glad I've never been in a relationship with a guy who felt like talking trashy about other women was a super important part of his personality.

[shydad]

We are able to control what we say to others. If something said is found to be hurtful to another, regardless of intention, it should not be said again. Anyone with empathy should understand this. Probably a good rule of thumb is to speak respectfully to everyone. Am I missing something?

[Lotsgoingon]

Being "yourself"--whatever that means--is overrated if your real self is a jerk.