Recovering from the end of an affair

[MHG]

Ideally, I'd want to pursue a relationship with her, but I know that is not going to happen. And if it did, it would be full of problems, and lead to more misery. I get it.

 

Despite how it sounds, I'm actually getting better when it comes to this situation. I've been able to see things more clearly for what they are. I've been able to see how her words and actions aren't lining up. I'm actually feeling less desperation around it, simply because I know what it is, and I know what she is doing.

 

As far as the line goes, the pain of being involved with this woman is becoming greater then the pain of not being involved. I've taken stock of all the things I've lost as a result of being involved. I believe what she is telling me about how she feels, and how things are at home. I do think she is being truthful for the most part. And in telling me she is so scared of what might happen when she splits. I think that is a pretty natural and normal feeling for anyone facing a split. I also know that those feelings are things she needs to process and work through. And they have nothing to do with me, and I have zero responsibility in her dealing with her ****.

 

I mean this started as an affair, and I was able to end my existing relationship while it has been happening. The truth is, that relationship had come to a place where it could have drifted aimlessly for years, with no passion, no connection, and no sex. We were never going to live together, and I just couldn't be myself in it. While not an ideal way to end things, I was able to walk away from something because I knew for me and for her, it would be better in the long run, and that we both deserved happiness, just not with each other. My AP clearly can't do that.

 

I'm very much paying attention to her actions, more than her words. And I continue to let go, little by little, as I know this situation has to come to an end. I feel like I need to tell her to go sort out her life, and when she does, if they have split, are living separately, and she has worked on her own stuff and is available to date, then she can come and see if I'm still around. But over the 10 years that is going to take for to happen, I certainly don't have time to waste. I've actually got a life to live. I've read about affair fog, and I believe the fog is starting to lift, and I am actually seeing her more closely for who she is. Someone who is incredibly insecure, cannot make a decision for fear of upsetting anybody, and someone who is more than happy to keep stringing me along.

 

I'll get there. I'm moving in that direction, and each day I feel a little better.

[Vivir]

Hmm, let us see what we have here...

 

So she certainly did give me reason to believe that she had every intention of moving on. Until last week. That is when she took the 180, and said she needed to figure things out.

 

Since then, she went from saying that she couldn't do this anymore, to making contact, and going back to where we were not long ago. I've only seen her briefly once, but she messages me consistently. I know she wants me to keep hanging on, while she figures this out, and that could absolutely mean stringing me along.

 

My mind keeps telling me that there is no way this is going to work out. Even if she does split and divorce, there is so much work to be done, so much to go through, and a history between us that is going to make things pretty much impossible. And as mentioned, I am a thinker through and through, my heart gets in the way.

 

Thanks for the responses, I'm not sure I've hit rock bottom, and I'm hopeful I won't have to go further down, but I'm still struggling with things, and trying to make sense of her words and actions.

 

MHG, I agree with you. During the times you previously wrote about, her words and actions were matching, but she was still very much married.

 

The point here that I mean to make is that the situation changed when her husband and children came back home. She might have felt stronger and more confident until she had to face them... and deal with their reactions to the little bit of news she has shared (that is, I wholly imagine that your affair is a BIG SECRET in her household).

 

Now that the situation has changed, her actions and words are not matching and she is being wishy-washy and seems to be OK stringing you along. AND you're providing the services of an arm-chair psychologist! You're hurting, too, is she providing that service for you? Do you feel better after counseling her on the marriage she wanted to leave but is now waffling on? You are still alone when you hang up that phone. And she is not.

 

We chatted tonight, and she stated her day was not great. Got upset with the husband today. They sold a motorhome which went up for sale when they talked about the split, and now the argument is how the money will be spent. She said earlier in the week he called her a '**** housewife'. And told her since she hasn't been doing her schoolwork that he knew this would happen when she signed up for school and doesn't see the point.

 

I told her it sounds like they were both miserable. Maybe a split might be better for everyone. She said she is scared, scared he'll up and take the kids. And then she said she misses the good memories, and is hanging onto 'the past'.

 

I told her to get back into counselling, see a lawyer if she's scared he'll try and yank the kids and listen to what rights she does have, and get mediation set up to do a separation agreement. This is where her actions will truly speak.

 

She's clearly struggling. She contends she will be with me and they are working their way through the logistics of separating and getting divorced, so that can happen.

 

I know, I know. Some truth perhaps, but all of it could be fabricated. If she wanted to be over here, she would. She isn't. Kids or no kids. Actions.

 

How much are you charging in your role as arm-chair psychologist? Do you take insurance?

 

Seriously, I have been there. I really thought xMM was my friend. I listened to his many gripes and thought I was helping. It took me a very long time not to feel extreme guilt for cutting him off, for refusing to listen to those gripes, for refusing pseudo-platonic "friendship", for cutting his butt right out of my life. Sometimes (not often), I still wonder deep deep down if I did the right thing... I have an idea of where you are.

 

But you have to survive yourself, as you know and have written about already... you will need to refuse her some of these luxuries of having you in her life. You actually need to cut contact, but I understand you may not be ready for that...

 

But think about this:

 

You also won't be ready for the storm that will come your way if her husband finds out about this affair. She may throw you under the bus. He may try to ruin your life. All of a sudden, you may find that the entire affair was your fault... You need that kind of fallout like you need the plague.

 

You have to put yourself in survival mode somehow. You're working at it, but you may need more drastic measures. Lessening or cutting contact altogether will hurt like nothing else, but... there is a reason everyone keeps suggesting it.

 

Ideally, I'd want to pursue a relationship with her, but I know that is not going to happen. And if it did, it would be full of problems, and lead to more misery. I get it.

 

As far as the line goes, the pain of being involved with this woman is becoming greater then the pain of not being involved.

 

And in telling me she is so scared of what might happen when she splits. I think that is a pretty natural and normal feeling for anyone facing a split. I also know that those feelings are things she needs to process and work through. And they have nothing to do with me, and I have zero responsibility in her dealing with her ****.

 

I feel like I need to tell her to go sort out her life, and when she does, if they have split, are living separately, and she has worked on her own stuff and is available to date, then she can come and see if I'm still around.

 

I'll get there. I'm moving in that direction, and each day I feel a little better.

 

The bolded is your best course of action, for both you AND her, although it seems counter-intuitive when two people are in love... but you are also in an affair, and the dynamics are totally different, as you know...

 

If you haven't already, you can go back in this forum throughout the hundreds of pages... and find threads about how an MP left and then went back to their spouse... very few posters here have actually ended up with the MP with whom they had an affair... but that scenario of leaving and then going back home... that is easy to find throughout this forum. And these stories are devastating to the posters and heartbreaking for readers, too.

 

She should be afraid of splitting. She has to give that the most serious consideration without your input. She has been using you as an arm-chair psychologist, as a big band-aid... she is confused, but she is taking advantage of your feelings for her to rant about what's going on in her marriage like you two are best girlfriends! You counsel her, but you should NOT because if it goes wrong for her, she is highly likely to blame YOU for it all going wrong.

 

I am betting that that will hurt A LOT.

 

Keep working on it, MHG. You'll get there. You might back-slide a bit, like so many of us, but we are rooting for you to get out of this disastrous situation that is causing you untold pain.

Edited July 30, 2018 by Vivir

[BluesPower]

Let me make this simple for you... and I am not trying to be mean in any way.

 

I would tell you what I would tell every other MW, OW, or whoever.

 

In your case, if she really wanted to be with you, she would be with you. Sounds to cliché, doesn't it? Sounds simple, doesn't it? Well guess what, it really is that simple.

 

In the dark point of my life, I had many women, like you as a male, so incredibly in love with me. Just like you are with her.

 

But in many ways I was using them, and I was fine if the loved me. It made me feel good, stroked my ego, I loved the sex as they did. And I loved many of them.

 

But at that time, I was not a man to love, because I was MARRIED.

 

And, hey, it is not like I did not do nice things for them, I did. Some of them I loved, one in particular. But I was not in a position to be with them, frankly, I was in a bad place.

 

It is not a period of my life that I am proud of, and never will be.

 

This is what she is using you for. She loves that you love her, she may even love you, but she is not going to be with you. Because she is MARRIED, get it?

 

If you want to find out if she loves you enough to be with you and build a life together, then stop seeing her.

 

Let her get divorced, and be with you when you look up the divorce decree on line, and then you can see if you guys work out.

 

If you think I am just being hard on you, let's see what some of the OW on this site tell you and see if that is what they eventually found out.

[MHG]

All great points and all things I have told myself repeatedly.

 

I know what needs to be done, now I just need to do it.

 

The blatant obvious post and tough love is not taken as harsh. It's the truth. Many have tried, many have got stuck, many have hurt and failed. And everybody has their own story, yet most of them are similar. And the themes are pretty common with each.

 

Dead end street, pain, and lost time.

 

I completely understand.

[MHG]

Good Morning people....

 

Another day is upon me, and this one will no doubt bring out more circumstances surrounding my situation, more feelings, more confusion, and no doubt, more hurt. Today is also the day that I go back to therapy, and another step on trying to address my outstanding concerns.

 

Our contact continues. I've taken the words on here seriously, and I certainly have fallen into the role of pseudo-counselor with this person. Having been through a split before and understanding all the feelings that come with it, in some way I guess I thought I was helping her to understand what she was facing. Part of it was self-protective, as I wanted to let her know that along the way there would be things she would face, like the likely desire to work things out, that telling the kids would be extremely difficult, not to do so unless she was absolutely sure that they were splitting and it was over. That I knew this could, and likely would happen, and I guess, through that, I would be able to distance myself and not fall too deeply for her.

 

I've encouraged, and she has now arranged, to attend IC on her own and will go this Friday. Hopefully that will be good and she can start to work through whatever she is going to work through. But that is definitely on her, and she'll need to sort this out. I appreciate that much, and I also appreciate that I have to do the work on myself in order to get well, identify what it is about me that is okay with not only being with, but opening myself up to, someone who is unavailable. I mean when we got together, I was also involved in a relationship, although we did not live together and shared no children. I wasn't respectful in starting this A, but I certainly realized that we were not going to last as a couple, even though I could have been on cruise control for years. It was at best an 'okay' relationship, but I could not be myself, and something was just missing. Ironically, but not surprisingly, when I was going to visit my ex, the AP would get extremely jealous of me, and I would point out that she had no right to be jealous about anything, as she was at home, with her husband, who was in the same room.

 

She is definitely selfish, self-centered, and has real trouble setting boundaries. I have no doubt that she has been emotionally beaten down during this relationship, and in sharing her history prior to her husband, dated someone who stalked her, as well as a serial cheater. She has also shared her relationship with her father, and it appears that her marriage has emulated her parents, in that it is not very healthy. Her track record with men does not appear to be stellar. And she acknowledges that his insensitive comments like calling her a '**** housewife', getting angry when the laundry isn't done, taking pot shots about money as well as telling her she isn't good enough to do school, and that her day has passed, and it is really all about her kids going to school now, and she needs to stay home and just be a mom. And that he believes that she is going crazy, has bad mouth her to their friends, and told them he thinks she has lost it. That being said, she says that whenever he says something that is hurtful, she just lets it happen, retreats into herself, and doesn't say anything back. So she is 100% responsible for it happening. I pointed out that if what she is saying is true, then at the least it is ignorant and hurtful, and at the worst, it is verbally abusive.

 

While I feel for this woman, it is not my job to counsel her. It is all on her to figure out what she is going to do. She is damaged goods (and I can say this knowingly as I am as well), and the chances of her having a healthy adult relationship with anyone at this point is zero. She will need to sort out her marriage, figure out what is going to happen, and then who know. But this way, as it stands, there is 0 chance of this going anywhere positive. All that can result is more pain, more hurt, and more lost time.